Mood:  don't ask

Ah, some would say there’s nothing like a good curry. Ok, yes, there are things that are better than a good curry but we’re not addressing those items right now.

Curry’s yummy. So is sausage. So is chili con carne. So are a whole host of other foods that will come back to haunt me after consumption. What can I say? Sometimes you just want what you want and are willing to deal with the space shuttle sized ‘after burn’ effects.

When I was younger, I had far more gut tolerance AKA the cast iron stomach. I would eat tacos from the street vendors in Mexico and buy gyros from the dude on the corner in London and pappas from the little old ladies in the street in Spain. Back then, I suffered nary an ill effect other than a little after burpidge. Sad to say, those days are long gone. I now stock antacids or I’m a sad little camper. Done in by Colonel Mustard with the curry in the drawing room and all that.

Thing is though I despise the chalky texture and taste. It’s like trying to gag down a dry wall wafer at communion in Hell.

I was wandering around Walgreens when I spotted a new antacid, Xcid, from the makers of Xicam. Trustworthy brand. Hey, it’s orange creamcicle flavored and it’s a gel! WOOHOO! I grabbed it and decided to give it a try.

Fast forward a few nights to the curry ‘incident’ as it shall henceforth now be known. Mmmmmm. Curry. I was craving it and I indulged.

Fast forward again a few hours to say, 2am. I woke in a panic. Liquid fire was barreling like a freight train up my throat. Uh-oh.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Time to try the new stuff! I grabbed it out the medicine chest and squirted a dose into my mouth.

Hmmmm. Odd. It didn’t taste like creamcicle, orange or otherwise. In fact, my mouth started to go numb and my tongue felt oily and weird. What the? I flipped on the lights and looked at the tube I held.

Was it orange creamcicle Xcid by the makers of Xicam? That would be a big ol’ negatory. What I held in my hand was, in fact, the similarly sized tube of Miracle Heel Repair Cream.

Yeah. Can I just tell you how fast I spit that out? Didn’t work on my heartburn but boy was my tongue moisturized, conditioned and protected.

Not.