Crusty Scalp Costs U.K. Criminal His Freedom
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: D12
Isn't it hateful when a dry scalp condition costs you your freedom? (I know I hate when that happens) Who would have thought when DNA technology first started being used to profile suspects that someone's flaky head rubbish could be used against him in a court of law?

Recently in London a career criminal received the longest prison sentence of his lengthy illegal profession after being caught because of the dandruff he shed at the scene of an armed robbery.

Using a DNA profiling method, investigators identified Andrew Pearson as a suspect by examining 25 flakes of dandruff found in a stocking he had worn as a mask during the robbery 11 years ago.

25 flakes. Unless the dandruff flecks were cracking off his head in slabs similar to those under the earth's crust, that's not a lot of evidence. It was, however, enough for police to obtain a DNA profile and match it to a swab of his saliva.

Makes one rethink spending the $3 for a bottle of Head and Shoulders doesn't it?

'That Guy' - the Office Skeeve
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Depression Blues
Do you ever notice how everywhere you work there is always `that guy'. You know `that guy' who doesn't understand boundaries. The one guy who just takes comments one step way too far.

We all know that sexual harassment exists in the work place. The problem is that most of us are guilty of it. I know I am. In fact, I think you would be hard pressed to find an office where the majority of people working there haven't shared an off color and inappropriate email, particularly a sexual one, with a co-worker of the opposite sex. I particularly enjoyed the one about the streaking, skate-by farter, but I digress...

Anywho, the point is zero tolerance or not, inappropriate behavior occurs `cuz as we all know, shit happens. The difference in your reaction-what you will tolerate and even find heartily amusing versus what you feel is inappropriate and offensive- depends on your relationship with the person who is bandying about the innuendo.

Point in case, `that guy' is walking by the office of a female co-worker and stops quickly in the doorway. The female co-worker, who we'll call Saffron `cuz I just like that name as a pseudonym (I'm just mad about Saffron...), is sitting at her desk eating a banana when `that guy' says, "Oh, Saffron - would you mind terribly if I just stood in your doorway and watched you eat your breakfast?"

Now if Burt the office clown had said that, Saffron would have laughed and said "Sure, but it will cost you extra" as she viciously bit the end off of the banana. The problem was it wasn't Burt who said it. It was `that guy'. The grodie older guy who tells everyone how much he can't stand his wife and is only staying for his kid. The one who gives you the heebie jeebies when he looks at you and licks his lips, because you know what he's thinking about your ass and you wonder if he's utilizing that image late at night while he clenches his king size bottle of Astroglide. `That guy'.

What a total skeeve! What was she supposed to say? "Oh yeah, that'd be a thrill!"? or "Sure and remember, my next show's at 3pm." She actually was so floored that she could only stammer out "Uh, yes!"

I wish Saffron had been able to take a moment to form a better retort. Several come to my mind. "Oh yeah, I'd enjoy that about as much as a bleach enema!" or "Only if you invite your wife to watch with you!"

My favorite response however would have been for her to just pick up a pad of paper and start writing and when he asked what she was doing say, "I'm adding this to my documentation for my sexual harassment suit against you."

Maybe that would shut `that guy' up...

It all just begs the question why does there always have to be a `that guy' office skeeve?

Dirty New Crime Grips Alabama
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Santana
According the A/P Wire, a new crime has reared its stinky head in southeast Alabama: Port-A-Potty tipping. Apparently, some rat bastard has been overturning portable toilets at construction sites in the Dothan area and several building companies have complained about the `foul' crime.

The local police captain, John Givens, said that the firms were very upset about the incidents and they "wanted this shit to stop". Okay, he didn't really say that, he said they wanted "it to stop", but you have to admit, the phrasing worked.

Anyone caught vandalizing a portable toilet will be charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor. Big whoop. Personally, I think they should put the perpetrator in a portable toilet and tip it with him inside. I guarantee that the crap would stop.

A Tale From the Past...The Bitch Had it Coming
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The Specials
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...ok, not really, but ripping off part of the intro to Star Wars definitely was a better start than what I might have come up with in light of the fact that I have had 3 banana mudslides (UGH!). Nothing like wasting my time on 6% alcohol by volume...but anywho. As I said, a long, long time ago...blah., blah, blah...basically, back in college, there was a perfect surfer girl named Anne. (Yes, with an `e'--trust me, she would have reminded you).

All the guys had hard ons for this girl. And who could blame them? She was like an Ambercrombie & Fitch catalog girl before there was such a thing. She would toss her perfect windswept blond hair and flash her perfect white teeth while wearing her blue board shorts and guys would drop at her feet like grunion during a spawning run. It was nauseating and alternately fascinating, to say the least. Especially for those of us who grew up in Arizona and had always yearned for the beach.

But, as things would have it, the perfect Anne was not so perfect. She had all of the issues that all girls, even the non-perfect ones, have--especially jealousy. She particularly disliked one girl--Deb. Deb was the consummate `All American' girl. The chick you would have seen on a Breck bottle, if that tradition had carried on into the 80s. I can understand Anne's issue. If I hadn't have gotten to know Deb over several beers and numerous smokes at a tedious frat party, I would have hated her too. In fact, I did for a while, but I digress...

Anne was threatened by Deb, which it turned out, was kind of amusing to the rather shy and low-key Deb. Deb was good friends with a very hot, very rich, Ferrari-driving gay boy we'll call `Josh'. Josh adored Deb--her acumen for style, her blazing white teeth, her ability to bargain shop Gucci. The next thing we knew-BAM! Anne was all over Josh. Every time we saw Anne she would go on and on about Josh and how much he adored her and how much she adored him. Every time he came to the sorority house to visit, she would waylay him and hang all over him. Deb and I just chuckled assuming that her `gaydar' was broken or perhaps she thought she could change him...finally, she caught the drift when she tried to get naked with Josh and all he could say was "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww".

Time passed and Anne just became nastier and nastier. Apparently, she read somewhere that being head bitch is better than just being and she was a quick study. The pinnacle of her self-imposed reign came to an end one night during our sorority's end-all, be-all party that every guy on campus wanted to go to. Deb was set up on a blind date with a surfer dude Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) named Moss (a nickname I'm sure) who kept going on and on about "Righteous dude! Far out! Whoa!" while tossing back enough Yukon Jack to fuel a 100 man search party during a blizzard in Yellowstone.

Enter Anne--on the prowl and only interested in Deb's Spiccolli ding-dong TKE date. She kept openly flirting with him in front of Deb. Telling Deb over and over how hot she thought he was. Eventually, she walked up to Deb and told her "I'm going to mash with your date." To which Deb replied "Have at--he's yours" as Anne starting eagerly macking on the drunken Moss man.

Deb & I high fived as we walked back to the main party to find another Padron shot. See, we knew that Moss had just yakked up enough barbeque to clog the toilet in the men's bathroom, but hey, who are we to stand in the way of young love?

Yeah, the bitch had it coming.

Was the 'Yute' Vote Really Rocked?
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: All That Remains
This year, thousands upon thousands of hours and countless millions of dollars were spent on youth-oriented Get Out the Vote programs across America. You literally couldn't spit without hitting someone's. There was one by MTV, Declare Yourself, Just Vote, Democracy for America, One Vote and who can forget the P. Diddy Sean Puff Daddy Combs, et al, effort: Vote or Die. Interesting marketing tact that one. Is that vote or I will have you killed like I did Biggy Smalls and Tupac? But I digress...

Everyone, especially the media, kept going on and on about how the youth demographic (18-29) was going to, in the name of popular MTV outreach program, `rock the vote'.

Their efforts, that I do applaud, resulted in epic numbers of new voter sign ups and an expectation of almost 20 million youth voters going to the polls to voice their opinions with their vote. Where did their efforts get them? Nowhere. After all of the hype and expectations, youth voters accounted for 17% of the vote this year. 17%. The exact amount as in the 2000 Presidential Election. I can hear the golf snaps on this tremendous (yes, tongue in cheek) accomplishment now.

Reality check people. Kids will leave you at the alter. How many times did you commit to something in your younger years and not follow through? Exactly! No amount of free t-shirts and concerts is going to make young people feel obligated to go stand in line for hours on end just to vote. Now, if free concert tickets were involved in the process, that would definitely change things.

Let's face it. For many of these fresh new voters, a nice stash of spleef and a classic episode of Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast could make the difference in whether or not they actually leave their apartment to go vote.

Ah, the misbegotten joys of `yute'!

Hello Kitty Sucks--Oh Wait, She Can't--She Has No Mouth!
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: G Love & Special Sauce
First off, I want to say that Hello Kitty is a cat. I don't care what anyone else says, she just turned 30 years old so she is no longer a kitten she is a CAT.

How this moon-faced, mouthless white cat, evolved from a nameless feline on a cheap vinyl purse into some 50,000 different annoying products I have no idea.

Let's get real here. Hello Kitty is the Japanese equivalent of the Teletubbies or Barney--it's a character in a toddler show. How stupid would we all look if we wore Teletubbies and Barney stuff above the age of 6?

I am told that everyone loves Hello Kitty (yeah right). The question is: Does Hello Kitty love us? I mean, what's REALLY going on behind those empty, soulless eyes of hers? After all, they are just dots.

I have to admit though; Hello Kitty is one hell of a marketing machine. Everything you can imagine, and some you can't, has been cheerfully emblazoned with Hello Kitty. Shirts, phones, pencils, notepads, shoes, underwear, hair goodies, sippy cups, toilet paper...uh, what?

Yes folks, the product you've all been clamoring for: Hello Kitty toilet paper. "This item is perfect as a gift, because people who both love and hate Hello Kitty will get great use out of it!" Whew! I don't know about you, but my life is complete now...

Unfortunately, one item, the Hello Kitty 'massager', proved just a bit too popular if you know what I mean. Hello Kitty parent company Sanrio yanked the item after it was being advertised as a Hello Kitty vibrator...no-sankyu.

What I want to know is why isn't everybody up in arms that Hello Kitty is white as are all of her gaijin friends? You haven't seen the ACLU getting all bitter and filing copious amounts of lawsuits because there is no ethnic Hello Kitty like perhaps say African-American Kitty or Latina Kitty. How come Barbie has to have Black, Hispanic and handicapped friends, (and just how did Rachel end up in the wheel chair anyway? Was it really a rough sex accident?) but Hello Kitty just continues on in her perfect little white world with her perfect white boyfriend? Reverse anime discrimination I tell you!

Brazil's Got Problems
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: D12 D12's World
Brazil is in the grips of an unmitigated crisis. What you ask? As you may or may not know, Brazil is facing severe global economic and environmental pressures. Is it the International Monetary Policy and the idea of a fixed rate exchange? Burning jungles? Over crowded cities? The current measles, mumps and rubella vaccine problem?

No, apparently not. What are legislators worried about in Brazil? Well, according to the Associated Press, Brazilian legislators are proposing a law to make it illegal to give pets names that are common among people.

Now there's a good use of taxpayer cruzeiros.

It appears that the law was proposed after psychologists suggested that some children may get depressed when they learn they share their first name with someone's pet.

Bummer to be named Sparky then, eh?

One legislator was quoted as saying "Names have importance. I want to challenge people's assumptions that it's acceptable to give animals human names."

Good thing Chevy Chase doesn't live in Brazil or he would have to rename Doug, his Golden Retriever.

If the law is passed, pet stores and veterinary clinics would be required to display a sign noting the prohibition of human first names for pets.

Brazilians who break the law would be subject to fines or community service. Like they don't have enough to worry about down there without fearing that someone may find out their dog is name is named Paul...errr, I mean Paulos.

Trick or Treating in `Ancientpeopleville'
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Ministry - Every Day is Halloween (80s Flashback)
In honor of Halloween, here's a story from my childhood...

As kids, my older sister and I used to love trick or treating in Grams and Gramps' neighborhood. Nothing is sweeter when you are a kid to a) be the only trick or treaters and b) be trick or treating in `Ancientpeopleville'.

Every year, we would beg mom and dad to take us over to Grams and Gramps so they could see our costumes. This was, in actuality, a juvenile subterfuge so that we could go trick or treating there. Neighborhoods of the aged, who aren't expecting trick or treaters, are by far the best places to go to get the goods. Even as children, we recognized our ability to be junior grifters and take these folks for as much as we could.

My sister and I used to go on and on about the fantabulous hauls we pulled in over at the old folk's hood. Think about it. Since they weren't expecting anyone, they were never prepared to give you anything. You would get whatever they could quickly lay their wrinkly, liver spotted hands on and sometimes, that was beyond sweet! Some of our favorite spur-of-the-moment treats we received over the years included:

* Cash (mostly silver Kennedy half dollars)
* 5lb box of Mrs. See's candy
* Red Swingline stapler (uh...but that's my stapler... my stapler...)
* Bag of jumbo Jet Puff marshmallows
* Eight track tape of Sinatra
* Reader's Digest
* A Boston Cream pie
* Chinese finger cuffs
* Dice
* Container of toothpicks
* Russian nesting doll set
* A honeydew melon
* Duct tape

It was always a smorgasbord of strange delights that usually resulted in a plethora of full size candy bars, odd donations and cash...

How I miss `ambush' trick or treating...

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 3:57 PM NZT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, November 1, 2004 3:59 PM NZT

Botox World
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Old Crow Medicine Show
So, Sunday night I went to a charity fundraiser. A seriously high dollar fundraiser for a great cause, but one that I wouldn't have shelled out my own hard earned Kopeks to attend. But you gotta' love the spiffs associated with one's work-10 platinum tickets.

A bunch of us went with platinum passes--WAHOO! All of the award-winning cuisine, high-end booze and private after hours party with local favorite Reggae band, AzzIzz (hi Mark!), one could possibly stand.

The first comment that came to everyone's mind when entering the party (well, everyone I was there with anyaway) was "HOLY CRAP! I haven't seen this much Botox outside of Hollywierd-land of expressionless faces!" Everywhere you looked there were all of these little blond-streaked trophy wives dressed to the tens--yep, one step past the nines as in WAY over dressed. They were all clustering in groups like Mako Sharks around particularly bloody chum. It was eerie I tell you! You looked around and everywhere you could see circling wads of these over dressed and over done women.

I don't get where chicks in their mid to late forties think that `work' and Botox will make them look younger. These gals all looked like hard, over processed mid to late 40 year olds. It was creepy! One of them would tell a joke and they would all break into laughter, but nothing moved on their faces above their smiles. I could have bounced quarters off of their faces in a twisted game of speed quarters and they probably wouldn't have even noticed. Seriously. Very reminiscent of the Stepford Wives but taken to a whole new paralyzed facial muscle level...a whole new freaky echelon...

All I can say is that the Aquas song comes to mind with a variation on the words...I'm a Stepford Girl in a Botox World...

God grant me the ability to age gracefully...no injections of dead botulism neurotoxin for me!

Fear Factor Debates
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: The Used
I cannot tell you how happy I am that the Presidential debates are FINALLY over! It was like watching the same bad movie over and over and over again.

In every one of them it was all about blaming, dodging, finger pointing, back peddling, and some of what appeared to be outright lies and then afterwards, both sides claiming victory.

I don't know about you, but I think the debates should be more like reality television.

Wouldn't the debates be more fun if the candidates were required to do some stunts or physical challenges? I would think that adding an element like that would increase the viewing audience and turn these snore fests into something relatively hip and interesting.

Can't you see them strapped into safety gear and logrolling in a pool of leaches or jumping from planes into vats of goat urine or Greco-Roman wrestling Orangutans while wearing women's underwear or perhaps a hot coal walk...on their hands while singing "I'm a little tea pot" or perhaps they could just scootch across the coals on their hineys?

I don't know about you, but it would sure affect my vote. I'd definitely vote for the guy who could suck down the most pickled rat scrotum in 3 minutes.

POST SCRIPT 10/26/04
So I was watching the Dennis Miller Show last night and comedian Charlie Viracola was on (Charlie's World,etc.) discussing the Presidential election now eight days out. I was beyond suprised when he said the debates would have been better if they were "Fear Factor Debates"....hmmmmmmmm...either my readership is going places I never wanted it to and Charlie 'borrowed' the Fear Factor Debate idea or perhaps it was just a common idea among the quirky creative types...velly, velly strange I tell you...

Jesus Loves Me This I Know... Follow Up to 'Jesus Says Refinance Now'
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Glenn Miller
While writing the entry "Jesus Says Refinance Now!" from September 19th it occured to me that I am definitely going to Hell!

Why you ask?

Because as I was thinking about the song "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so..." it occurred to me that Oscar Myer ripped off that song. (Those bastards!)

Think about it...the tune is pretty much the same.

"Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so...and Oscar Myer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a."

Yup. I say it screams copyright infringement.

You know that Oscar Myer could come up with an excuse. Perhaps the tired Vanilla Ice one. You know-that he didn't sample Queen's 'Under Pressure' in his only hit song in the 80s, well ever, "Ice, Ice Baby".

I can still hear Vanilla in a tv interview saying "No, I didn't sample it. Their song goes 'dunt, dunt, dunt, dunna, dunt, dunt'. Mine goes 'dunt, dunt, dunt, dinna, dunt, dunt.' See it's totally different. Uh-yeah. Whatever lets you sleep at night one hit wonder boy.

Now we know that yet another company is probably using the religious marketing tactic, subliminally, to sell weiners of all things!

Oh the horror of it all! Where does it end? Next thing you know some outdoor gear company is going to rip off "Go Tell It On The Mountain" for their next marketing campaign to promote hiking!

What Would Jesus Do... If He Were in Debt?
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Chick Corea
So I thought that nothing would suprise me after the email from the Christian Mortgage Company (see an older entry) telling me that "Jesus loves you...refinance now!"

I was wrong.

Today I received an email from the Christian Debt Network with the subject line of "Handle Your Debt the Christian Way". Uh, what? Is there a Christian and non-Christian way to handle debt? I was apparently blissfully unaware of that.

Does that mean that they won't give you debt counseling if you are Buddist or Jewish?

I wonder how far this marketing trend is going to go? I can see the emails now:

Atheist Debt Counseling...Because There is No God to Help You With Your Debt

Muslim Debt Counseling...Let Allah Show You the Path to Financial Stability

I would add one about Kabbalah, but it has unfortunately become a pop fashion religion and apparently most of its followers are Hollywood 'glitterati' and in no need of debt counseling...

Rubber Duckie, You're the One-You Make Rance Time Such Less Fun...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Tori Amos
You, my friends and family, who this blog is for know me and love me. However, I am under attack by random forces who feel that it is ok to make seriously off base and rather vicious personal judgments of me so I feel the need to respond via this, my forum.

Apparently the First Amendment is no longer applicable when it comes to the formerly amazing blog site belonging to Rance. (If you are unaware of Rance, I don't have the inclination to inform you--it sucks now so just realize that you are missing nothing). What was once an amazingly original site has been sucked down by nauseating and sophomoric sycophants all doing the elephant walk with each other.

The site has gone to the shitter under the leadership of `Rubber Duckie' - who I always tend to think of as a man because of the apparent reference to the nickname in the trucker song "Convoy"- but who is, in fact, a self-proclaimed single mother who evidently lacks any sort of life in the real world. Rance's blog has gone from acerbic and witty commentaries on Hollywood life to a 12-step support system for wanna be writers looking for validation.

God forbid, you voice an opinion about the sorry direction the site has taken or a handful of losers will immediately make harsh and completely unfounded remarks about your character--not about your comments--about you personally. Way to go kids! It doesn't get more childish that that! Welcome back to grade school! Another black eye for the mob mentality!

There is one poster, the he/she/it "Bubba", who went off on me like I was the devil incarnate. According to this "Pat" poster (I thought it was a guy but from its posts, it appears to be female but he/she/it made references to forgiving my comments if I was "hot" so it appears that I am developing a cult lesbian following-my sister will be SO proud!), you all have to stop using the nicknames you have given me (yep, even those dating back to college) because he/she/it Bubba has decided that I made them all up. Uh, yeah. Apparently he/she/it Bubba needs company on the making up your own nicknames LOSER planet.

He/she/it Bubba also stated basically that I am not a nice person. I know--go ahead and crack up! I did when I read that. Yeah, I'm just horrid! That's why I'm known as the South Mountain Rescue Society and have placed more stray animals in homes than I can count and I have kept all of the ones (including my retarded puppy Porkchop) that I couldn't place. I have friends and family who adore me but some random stranger, who apparently has WAY too much time on its hands, has decided that I am evil based upon a comment I posted on a blog. I'm sorry, that's just scary to me that someone is so full of hate and bilious comments for a total stranger. As Aerosmith says "There's something wrong with the world today..." For cripe's sake he/she/it Bubba--GET A LIFE!!!

He/she/it Bubba also claims to have read my blog and concluded that I "hate everything". Hmmmmm...with that comment you make it obvious that you couldn't have read it. The only true `hate' entry is about Michael Moore's trip to the U of A and I just needed to vent about that one. Ok, I also hate grasshoppers and the faux word supposibly. The reason I started this blog was at the urging of friends who wanted to read my `rants' and know that I won't publish any of my 'sniglets' or 'rants' because I don't consider them serious or worth attention. The majority of them simply raise questions or point out amusing things. He/she/it Bubba apparently thinks I hate food on a stick, auto scent machines, midgets, nuns, drinking in garages, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, necrophilia, beef jerky and the Passion of the Christ, Hummer Cologne, horses (yeah right--Hey Mr. Big, you hear that out in your stall?!) etc., etc. Interesting that my friends and family (who are really the only people I ever expected to read the entries) find them hilarious and kind of a combination of Erma Bombeck and Dennis Miller (or so I am told), but he/she/it Bubba believes when I playfully rant, I am being hateful. According to he/she/it Bubba I have nothing to bitch about because I live in Phoenix and we have warm weather and it's not like I am trying to get my kids to school. (WHAT?! Put the crack pipe down--move away from the rock!) Once again...uh, yeah. Phoenix is perfect--no reason to bitch here...Where does this freak live anyway?

I gave up trying to explain on Rance's site, because much like the situation in Iraq, the many are being quelled and repressed by the few and extreme. Even the moderator, Rubber Duckie, is out of line. If you were running a site and everyone starting really being hateful and flaming one person for her respectfully worded opinion, wouldn't you step in and stop the flaming activity--which is your job as monitor? Not in RD's world. She apparently takes every comment personally and doesn't agree with Rodney King about "Can't we all just get along?" Way to be a moderator chicky! You, of all people, should not be commenting and further exacerbating the situation. Hope you don't work as a police hostage negotiator somewhere!

In closing, if you are one of the freaky mean green beans from Rance's site--go the HELL away! After the last bizarre-o comments by RD and he/she/it Bubba, I will never visit the site again. The majority of the audience has, much like Elvis, left the building and you and your cronies can sit around self-flagellating and patting each other on the back until your arms break in your low rent script writing class.

If you don't like my sites, my writing style, my comments or me--just bugger off! You weren't invited anyway. Everything is not about you--just get over it and leave me alone!

Michael Moore at the U of A--are you f@cking kidding me?!
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: The Sex Pistols
So I get an email last week from a friend of mine that the University of Arizona is going to pay Michael Moore almost $30k to speak as part of their get out the vote effort. WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me?!I immediately wrote U of A President Peter Likin an email expressing my concern--alright, my outrage at this suggestion. Following are my original email, President Linkin's response and my response. I had to vent about this.

"Dear President Likins-
I cannot begin to tell you how deeply disturbed I am that ASUA, and by extension the University of Arizona, is paying to bring Michael Moore in to speak to the students.

You have stated that Mr. Moore has been invited to participate in the ASUA's "...effort to heighten student awareness about the political process during this election year. ASUA's efforts include a massive voter registration drive, educating students about issues and candidates, and getting students to the polls on Election Day."

I fail to see where Michael Moore would have any positive contribution to this effort. How does a man who publicly derides the United States, its leadership, its legislative process and its people bring anything to your efforts? This is the man who, during an interview with the British paper The Mirror, said this about Americans: "They are possibly the dumbest people on the planet . . . in thrall to conniving, thieving smug [pieces of the human anatomy]," Moore intoned. "We Americans suffer from an enforced ignorance. We don't know about anything that's happening outside our country. Our stupidity is embarrassing."

This is the man you are encouraging to speak to our young people about the political process? A man who presents himself as a documentary filmmaker, when in fact he is nothing but a self-serving, self-promoter who is making a fortune by misleading the American public through creative editing of the facts.

I do not care what party you are affiliated with: Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Green, etc. Michael Moore has nothing to do with civic awareness, political mindedness or political education.

Michael Moore is a draw--not a valid input. If you were really going to bring someone in for this effort it would be a non-partisan speaker who would talk about the American lives that have been lost to protect our ability to vote, the fight for women's suffrage, the importance of educating yourself on the issues and the candidates as well as the significance of speaking your mind by voting. It would not be someone who has used the issues and the candidates to promote himself, line his own wallet and who is clearly not interested in presenting any unbiased information to the students of the University of Arizona.

I consider Michael Moore a traitor to our men and women in uniform who are willingly risking their lives on a daily basis to protect our continued freedom and our ability to vote. He is un-American and does not deserve to have the University of Arizona help him to advance his personal agenda.
Sincerely,
My Full Name
University of Arizona, Class of 199_"

President Likin's response dumbfounded me to say the least. Keep in mind while reading it, that this is from the President (as in highest paid staff member) of a major university...

Peter Likins wrote:
Megan ...

I see that part of the problem here is that I have never taken Michael Moore sufficiently seriously to read anything he has written, hear him speak or see his films. I have no interest in his visit to campus, but then again I ignore extreme views on all sides of these questions so I can concentrate on working with real people on real issues.

For me this flap is not about Michael Moore at all. It's about whether or not I should allow students whom I know and trust to do their best to provide the campus with a balanced set of five speakers. My decision is to support my students, even if they have made a judgement that I would have made differently. These students are feeling very badly right now, knowing that I am taking the heat for their decisions. I have told them that it's my responsibility to protect their freedom to learn from experience, and that's what I'm doing.

Cheers ...

Pete

Is this man huffing suntan lotion? "Cheers Pete"? How inappropriate a closing is that? Not only did he address me as if I were an insipid youngster, he really didn't address my concerns. Therefore, a reply/rebuttal was needed:

"Dear Mr. Linkin-
I find your response to my email disturbing to say the least. The fact that a speaker is being paid to come to the University of Arizona and you, as the President of the institution, have "no interest in his visit to campus" is, pardon my frankness, asinine.

You say that you feel your students did "their best to provide the campus with a balanced set of five speakers." Balanced? In what universe are their choices balanced? There is no balance whatsoever with the five speakers chosen. The only ones who are balanced and will present relatively un-biased information are Governor Napolitano and Representative Jim Kolbe, who when last I checked was TBD as a speaker, which means he could very well not be able to attend depending upon his commitments in Washington. That leaves you with one relatively non-partisan speaker, Governor Napolitano, and three speakers who are all self-motivated by their own personal agendas and stand to gain or profit by some means through this appearance.

A Karen Filippelli answered an email for you with some nonsense about different "belief systems" justifying Moore's appearance. Different "belief systems"? That's rich! How about a complete lack thereof other than the almighty dollar on Moore's part? He is nothing but a self-aggrandizing opportunist.

Please know that I don't dislike Moore because of his political views. I dislike him because he presents a skewed point of view, manipulates it with editing to produce his own distinct opinion and then represents it as the truth. His films are less about truth than they are about the truth AS MOORE SEES IT. This makes them propaganda tools, essentially, and Moore himself has said he advocates using his film in an effort to defeat Bush. He is using his movie as a political tool. He has no objectivity and it is obvious that he is as self-serving as any of the media giants...the only thing he's promoting is himself and his anti-Bush rhetoric. This is one of your `balanced speakers'?

You say that you are giving your students the freedom to make these choices. I am a staunch believer in freedom. I am a firm supporter of the First Amendment. America is all about freedom of speech, but along with freedom of speech comes the responsibility to speak responsibly which I think we all know, Moore will not do at this, or any other, speaking engagement.

Mr. Moore has had every opportunity to speak his mind and anyone who wants to, is able to purchase his works and listen to his opinions. However, when a public institution spends almost $30,000 (regardless of the source of the funding) to help him further his personal agenda in the name of getting out the vote efforts, those of us who pay taxes and tuition fees to support that institution become unwilling advocates of that opinion and have the right to object and you, as well as the members of the ASUA, rightly deserve to take the heat for these decisions and any ramifications that may result from them especially the fact that the University's alumnus funding is going to take a major hit from this decision. While you were "ignoring the extreme views on all sides of these questions" so you could "concentrate on working with real people on real issues", I am surprised that you really haven't given this "real issue" brought to your attention by "real people" much consideration but then again, in your own words, you haven't been paying attention you've been "ignoring" it.

Never in my time attending the University of Arizona, was I subjected to any public figure or professor who flat out gave his opinions without ever having to produce any facts to back them up. Apparently things have changed on campus and I, for one, think it is detrimental to the future of the institution.

Sincerely-
My Full Name
Class of 199_

PS-On a completely different note, I find it disconcerting that for some reason you felt it was appropriate to address me with undo familiarity as if I were an acquaintance. Is this because I am only 36 years old? I find it highly doubtful that you would have responded to members of the class of 1957 with "Cheers Pete". "

All I want for Christmas is the NHL!!!
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Henry Fiat's Open Sore
I don't know about you, but I am SO sad about the NHL lockout! The one thing I was looking forward to this fall, other than relief from the 100 billion degree temperatures here in Phoenix, was hockey season.

While I understand that at the national level hockey lacks the financial draw of some of the other professional sports, as it is mostly popular in the Midwest and places that actually have a season known as winter and experience ice, it is one of the few sports left where the majority of players actually play for the love of the game and not so much for the enormous paycheck (or maybe I just like to imagine it that way in my universe).

It also remains one of the few sports where you can tune in and watch at least three fist fights and hopefully a massive brawl within 60 minutes. How can any other sport (other than boxing or cage fighting) compare to that? Especially when there is actually a strategic game going on all the while...

If the lock out extends the entire season I will be extremely frustrated and looking for another sport setting that will allow me to snarf peanuts in the shell...

In Search of an Assistant...or Who Let the Freaks Out
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Janis Joplin
I am interviewing for a new assistant as my last one spent most of her time trying to be Asian. Seriously. The girl has a bad case of "wanna be Asian" to the point of being pathetic. It's like why don't you do something more productive perhaps, say, your work...or chase cars like a dog-just don't waste your time obsessing over wanting to be Asian. It's not healthy. I'm serious, this chick is a total Asianophile AKA Asian "freak" or Asian "obsessed" whichever term you prefer. (And do you have any idea how hard it must be to dye your hair black, cut it in a bob, learn to speak Japanese and try to pass yourself off as Asian when you are 5' 10" and weigh 300 and serious change? Exactly!)

So after getting rid of the dysfunctional Gigan (Godzilla reference), I started an earnest search for a new assistant. Can I just tell you what a total nightmare it's been?! I can't even believe the quality, no really the complete lack of quality, of the people I have had to speak to!

Out of 35 resumes sent by agencies, I scheduled 18 interviews. Out of those, I had 5 come back for second interviews. 5 out of 35. That's like 14% of the applicants. How pathetic is that with today's job market? With those percentages, I apparently have a better chance of being attacked by a rabid Duck Billed Platypus than finding decent help!

What's even sadder? The fact that I even had to interview the majority of these freaks! OY! I had no idea the carnival was in town! How can someone come across on paper as being so amazing and then walk in the door and you think "Holy Mother of Ass! Who let that crack whore in!"? I'll tell you--lies! I am now more convinced than ever that the blatant word smithing of resumes has reached an all time low! And I should know, as I am very adept at it, but at least I really have the skill set and the presentation to pull it off.

My first interview was a very pretty 22-yr old girl. When I looked down at the binder she was carrying, she had scrawled "Rachel loves Jesus" all over it. Uh, ok. That's a new level of professionalism--or a complete lack thereof--unless her husband's name is Jesus and even then...She also was "intimidated" by strong personalities (oops--screwed with me as a boss) and was "unable to multi task". Holy cripes! What job is she going to get then? You have to multi task even when you are asking "Do you want fries with that?"

I interviewed a chick on Friday who was the equivalent of a fricking human hummingbird!!! I consider myself high energy to the point of being borderline hyperactive, maybe even annoyingly so at times. She made me seem low key to the point of being torpid! I was like no fricking way could I deal with that chick on a daily basis! That and the annoying fact that she is offended by swearing--OH SHIT!(oops!)

I also had a candidate, the apparent crack whore, who did herself no favors by jumping in on a verbal sparring match between two current staffers. These two love to good naturedly rib each other and this chick jumps in and says "Oh, you deserved that one" to one of the staffers involved. H-E-L-L-O! You are interviewing here--what are you thinking Ms. Overfamiliarity/I'm one of the gang?

Then there was the gal who apparently has read somewhere that the best way to bond with your interviewer is to constantly point out the things you supposedly (as opposed to the commonly misused and non-word `supposibly' NOTE: see an entry from early on for more detail) have in common and repeat his/her name incessantly. "Oh, I agree Megan. We have such the same work ethic Megan. I could totally see us working really well together Megan. I think you and I see things the same way Megan." Cripes! By the time she was done, I wanted to change my name to Becky!

There are more nightmare candidate interview stories I could add, but it wouldn't even make me feel better to vent anymore. Much like an enema, I am just trying to forget the whole process. And to make matters worse, I did some calculations and I figure these interviews sucked at least 2 good drinking years out of me...Oh, the joy of management-NOT!

Ah, Grasshopper...
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Stiff Little Fingers
You guys know me. You know that I am not a high maintenance, girly-girl kind of chick. I am a pump my own gas kind of broad.

This does not mean that I do not A) absolutely LOVE sky high CFM shoes and have a collection that would make Imelda Marcos weep like a little bitch and B) sometimes have instances where I am just a normal fricking girl.

I have no fear of most things that flip girls out. Many a time I have extracted a mouse (alive, dead or somewhere in between) from the mouth of the mighty hunter, the tigerish beast that is Ottmar my Abyssinian cat. This, without fear of the Hanta Virus. Lizards? Love them! When we emptied the pool at my old house, my ex-husband used to call me the lizard wrangler because I was down in the empty pool daily rescuing lizards so they wouldn't fry in the sun. Snakes? Bring `em on! Scorpions? No problem!

So what takes me to the edge of hysteria and brutally shoves me over? Grasshoppers. Logical...probably not, but it doesn't change the fact that the mere sight of a grasshopper is enough to make me detour 100 yards or more out of my way in order to avoid one. I know it sounds insane but grasshoppers suck. They are dumb and jump at you instead of away from you. They can get tangled in your hair. Especially, when you have long hair. Enough said.

So the other night, I climb into the shower to rinse off the day. I am merrily sudsing and singing along (poorly and off key as usual) to 70's music when I get the eerie feeling that someone is watching me. I stop and look around--only to come eye to eye (so to speak) with a massive grasshopper. A grasshopper. In the shower. With me. With a very naked me.

The grasshopper launches itself at me. Psychotic behavior, on my part, ensues. The dogs go crazy as I begin shrieking and flailing and decide it is great fun to accompany me by howling along in harmony. I blindly grab the shower curtain to yank it back and get the hell out of this soggy nightmare when I slip, ripping the shower curtain off the bar in the process. I go down like a prize fighter to the floor, shower curtain haphazardly tangled around me and the shower blazing away and drenching the walls, the floor, the area rug--pretty much everything in sight is getting soaked. The dogs are merrily dancing around trying to lick me while I attempt Lamaze breathing (tough when you have never had kids) to regain my composure.

That is when the situation goes from nightmare to sheer Hell. I realize that the grasshopper is somewhere in the shower curtain...with me.

I don't think a gator trying to take down and drown prey could have spun faster than I did. I was like a human log roll on speed. I was up and out of that shower curtain in a shot. So fast in fact, that I failed to notice my proximity to the bathroom counter and proceeded to come up hard, headfirst into the marble counter and WHAM! I knock myself out.

I was having this great dream...a single Howie Long and I were having an insane mash session...when I come to, only to open my eyes and find 3 dogs worriedly licking my face. The bathroom is flooded. I am stark naked and have a splitting headache. And there, not a foot away, is the grasshopper staring at me with his evil beady little eyes.

That was it! No bastard insect is braining me and running up my water bill! I had to pull my balls out of my purse (or wherever the hell I keep them) and take action! Enough was enough!

There are now 101 uses for a handheld vacuum attachment (let's skip discussing some of the others) - insect removal. I hope Skippy enjoyed his wild ride to the collection bag...

Snooze!!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Ottmar Liebert
I don't know about you, but I am getting SO bored with the war in Iraq. Can't we start a new war someplace more interesting?

How about Japan? They have happy ending massage parlors, mountains of sushi, and giant monsters.

Now that's a country worth invading!

The Midwest's Unholy Triad
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Social Distortion
Middle America. Sometimes it amazes the hell outta' you. I went to a store in Minnesota called Mill's Fleet Farm. I was unfamiliar with Mill's Fleet Farm as apparently, it's a Minnesota/Wisconsin/North Dakota-Mid West kind of thing. I had no idea what to expect particularly after being told "You'll love it--it's got everything". Hmmm...everything. That can be interpreted a lot of ways--especially in the Midwest.

I walk through the front doors and a massive display immediately catches my attention. And when I say massive--I mean literally covering the entire front of the store.

Why did it catch my eye you ask? Well, I guess it would have to be the sheer absurdity of it...if not the sheer ludicrousness of it. It was comprised, in total, of three items. What three items you ask?

1. Beef jerky
2. The Passion of the Christ on DVD and VHS
3. Camouflage hunting gear

I kid you not...I almost wet my pants.

Someone please explain to me how dried meat, Jesus and hunting gear go together...or on second thought, please don't.

I needa...
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Front 242
So have you heard the latest? HumVee (AKA `Hummer') has come out with a new product--and no, I'm not talking about the "highly" anticipated H3, like we really needed that either--it's Hummer cologne. Yep, a cologne named after a vehicle...that also represents a slang term for oral sex and, unbeknownst to many, also is a slang term in the funeral industry for the stank of a really smelly corpse. Guys--this should be on your Christmas list...right below testicular piercing!

So you're probably wondering what it smells like--me too. Gasoline? Burning rubber? New car smell? Small dicks?

Yup. Small dicks 'cuz that's what Hummer represents to me--compensation. Yeah, you know what I mean...

I can see the marketing campaign now:

Nothing says "I have a really small dick" quite like Hummer...

Hummer: Hung like a dauchhaund.

Hummer: Can you say compensation?

When you need a hummer, wear Hummer.

Scent of a Hummer.

Why do I say this? Perhaps it's just that I am a heinous bitch who only likes the H1 series.

Perhaps it's that I think the H2 is a total cut-rate pimp mobile for poseurs. In fact, the H2 is the ultimate poseur vehicle. It has the chassis of a Chevy Tahoe and a body that looks like the original Hummer; i.e., it's a Chevy Tahoe in disguise.

Why do I think this? Perfect example:

Saturday evening, Scottsdale (Snottsdale), AZ. The scene: Devil's Martini. The player: Robert AKA "Bob"...Bob wants me to come home with him and "check out" his "Jacuzzi". RIGHT! It was like a really bad game of ping pong--he would serve the cheesy line (I'm telling you, Velveeta had nothing on this guy) and I would lob it viciously back at him. He just would not take no for an answer.

The chick posse goes to leave and Bob follows us outside. The valet brings his car around and yeah, it's an H2. Not only is it an H2, his license plate says "I Needa"...yeah. Whatever L-O-S-E-R! Although I do have to admit I was torn. Part of me thought is was amusing but the other part of me had met Bob...enough said.

Ladies, this is the kind of guy who's going to pay $40 a bottle for Hummer cologne...UGH! Please hold my hair for me while I barf...