The Lakehouse
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Buddy Guy
So, Linds, Janelle, Chris and I reconnoitered at my parent’s summer place AKA the lake house (and no, not the Keanu Reeves/Sandy Bullock disaster of a film). It was lovely timing as the folks were in La Jolla at a friend’s beach house so the stellar pad was ours!

Chris and I drove up early to open up the house. We unfortunately discovered the local yokels in a town en route North were having an early 4th of July ‘parade’. Now, I use the term ‘parade’ loosely as I’m not sure that it really applies to 2 bunting-covered golf carts, followed by 3 ancient broads twirling festive batons, a fat man playing a tuba, a bunch of kids walking with balloons, a clown driving a blue tractor, some kids being pulled in red wagons, a man walking a ginormous pig on a leash, someone in a hot dog outfit and some more kids riding in a rowboat on wheels towed by two really mangy looking mules really constitute a ‘parade’. Probably only on Springer or in Deliverance, but I digress…

All of these ‘parade’ entries were spaced at least 15 yards or more apart so needless to say, we were there awhile. A looooong while. Long enough to decide that it would behoove us to pull over and check out the craft/Indian fry bread stand and the corral full of bison. Chris, being from the East coast, was pretty impressed. I guess watching penned bison crapping can do that to a man or as he’s dating me, he could just be easily impressed.

An hour later, we arrived at the lake house without further freakshow delay and the rest of the gang arrived a few hours later.

We had a killer time. Lots of story telling, laughter, boozing and fishing until all hours. Just tons of fun.

As for the story telling, I think my favorite one was my sister recounting an incident from our childhood. Apparently, when I was 6 and she was 9, she had a fascination with the then Dallas Cowboy’s kicker Rafael Septian. She just thought his name was beyond cool. One day, she got mad at me and said “You’re just a Rafael Septian” to me. I ran crying to my mom sobbing that “Lindsay’s swearing at me in Spanish.” Ah, the joys of yute!

And of course we fished. My sister and I are avid fisherbitches. When we were kids, we went all the time with our dad. Probably because our dad had no idea what to do with girls other than boy things. We fished, went to Suns games, drove go-karts, fished, used power tools, raced electric cars, fished, built forts, played darts, thumb wrestled and fished some more.

So Linds is online checking the local stats on what size fish are legal to take and what size you have to throw back. While she was rattling off statistics, I asked her what kinds of fish were stocked in the lake. She proceeds to tell us “Well there’s catfish, large mouthed bass, trout, crappy, blue gill…” So I asked her “How big of a crappy can you take?” She replied dryly “It depends on what I ate that day.” Buh-dum-pah! Needless to say, we all howled and howled and howled.

‘Crappy’ became the word of the trip ‘cuz you know there’s nothing like a fish having the same name as a slang term for poo to really bring out the hilarity on a trip! (Or at least if you’re on a trip with me….)

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe....
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Norah Jones
I believe that Ray Romano is obsessed with a buxom blonde former stripper who he has ensconsed in a high-rise apartment and who he plies with clothes, jewels and other expensive gifts to win her attentions. That said former stripper entertains other guys in said apartment and privately describes Ray as "length challenged" but "girth blessed" much like a can of tuna fish. That Ray's wife, Anna Scarpulla who he has been married to since 1987 and has 4 kids with, caught wind of the dalliance and chased him around the house with a pool cue, destroying much of the place. That shortly thereafter, Ray was seen at Harry Winston making a sizable purchase for the Mrs.....and then one for the stripper.

Massive Turnoffs in a Guy
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Psychedelic Furs

I have some definite ideas on what are massive turnoffs to me in the male species. Most women would probably say drinking from the milk carton in the fridge but as I do that on a regular basis, I can’t really go the hypocrite route….

Here are some of my top turnoffs:

•Referring to any woman you have ever dated as “my bitch” or “mommy”

•Naming your junk something cute like ‘the banana slammer and the coconut boys’

•Owning more than a few porns

•Sheets that haven’t been washed since the Clinton era and have more DNA evidence than Monica’s blue dress

•Having more baggage than the airport or baggage that Jimmy Hoffa’s body could have been stuffed into

•Smelling like poo

•Enjoying 'baby mama' trauma

•Blames his behavior on having Tourette’s Syndrome when he doesn't have it

•Satin sheets of ANY kind

•Thinking ninjas are cooler than pirates

•Speaking in rhyme

•Extensive public nasal mining

•Cuticles that look as if you took a hacksaw to them

•Having a pet that consumes other animals on a regular basis

•Use of Yorkshire pudding as sex aid

•Wearing as much or more jewelry than my Great Aunt Ruth

•Feet that resemble a Yeti’s

•Being into tofu

•A fake British accent

•Fear or hatred of sock puppets

•Hair where it isn’t supposed to be

•A Jacques Cousteau fetish

I Never
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: XTC
Things I can safely say in my personal game of ‘I never’ I will never….

1.Grow a third breast
2.Kiss David Hasselhoff
3.Not hate the Dallas Cowboys
4.Be convinced that ‘Brangelina’ were “just friends” during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smithh
5.Stab someone in the eye with a blood sausage
6.Participate in a “Hot Carl”
7.Tattoo ‘I love mom’ on my forehead or anywhere else
8.Use a chainsaw, or any other sharp implement, to carve totem poles
9.Smell of elderberries
10.Smoke banana peels for profit
11.Read Playgirl for the articles
12.Stop trying to perfect my almost eerily perfect Charo impression
13.Undercook pork products thus risking Trichinosis
14.Be beaten in thumb wrestling at the bantam weight or greater level
15.Be on Americas Most Wanted although it makes great fodder for an evening of “There’s Your Girlfriend”
16.Have weird habits that most folks don’t find completely adorable like my naked Gaelic yodeling
17.Lick Dr. Phil’s ‘chrome dome’, opportunity or not
18.Become a mime (yes, I know—physical impossibility as I couldn’t shuttie the pie hole that long)
19.Yell "fire" at a 50% off shoe sale at Nordstrom’s
20.Smuggle illegal immigrants into this country –‘Coyote’ Meg just has no panache
21.Join the ham radio operator’s association
22.Eat yellow snow
23.Have sex with Paris Hilton (in the rare minority to be sure)
24.Flash my chest on the Jerry Springer Show
25.Get a subscription to ‘Cat Fancy’
26.Run with scissors ‘cuz I know I would lose an eye or otherwise maim myself
27.Take the Coke/Pepsi challenge and ‘win’ cuz’ I’m a Pepper…
28.Molest a small animal other than a marmoset….just kidding
29.Put my tongue in a light socket
30.Find a large-mouthed bass in my Cheerios

I’m sure there are many, many more random things but I had a traumatic morning so cut me some slack….

Ixnay On the Ottenray
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Joe Jackson
I know you will find this hard to believe (NOT!) but I suffer from a severe disorder....self-censorship or my complete lack of it.

I have always had problems with bowderlization AKA self editing. As in, I have no idea how to do that. Basically, stuff comes out of my mouth faster than my brain can process it and by the time I think “OH SHIT!”, it’s out there and I can’t take it back.

It’s always been this way. In college, me, Susabella, Deb and Susabella’s part-Asian-but didn't-really-look-it roommate went to Momma’s for dinner and I started going on and on about Asian Architects! I actually stopped in mid-sentence and did an about face, trying desperately to save the situation, going on and on about how the Asian architects did the best remodel on my folk’s home that, according to Deb, I only needed a nudge instead of a full on under the table kick. Susabella, predictabley made one of her trademark "Oh my God I can't believe you just said that!" roll the eyes looks. The part-Asian-but didn't-really-look-it roommate caught it but was tres amused (snaps to her for knowing I was just blathering and meant no harm)! I was mortified afterwards!

I just have never grown out of either. I was talking to our controller and I said"Oh my God! You'll never guess what I saw yesterday! You know that homeless gal, who looks like you would if you were a homeless crackhead? Well, she was sifting through the ashtray for cigarette butts! Can you believe that?!" Suddenly, I realized what I had said and was like "Oh shit--I really have a way with words don't I?!" and she replied "The scarier thing is I know exactly who you're talking about."

Deb knows that I have this issue AKA complete lack of control with mouth suppression and yet, still loves me. Surprising, lest we forget that I punched out Deb’s step father at her wedding...He did deserve it though (even Deb will back that up!)!

So in this vein, one never knows, including me, what might pop out of my mouth at any given time. The not so new guy completely rolls with it and it’s one of the things I adore about him.

Perfect example? The other day, I blurted out that if I had a secret Nijna power, I would want it to be flaming bags of poo. He didn’t even flinch. He just laughed. I asked him what his secret Ninja power would be and he replied “A sword of some kind…” I asked “The skin sword?” and he replied “Naw, the skin sword is just too unreliable....unless you're fighting naked cheerleaders....

Now that’s what I’m talking about—roll with the punches!

What's the Big Fricking Deal Anyway?
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Ottmar Leibert
So here it is for your viewing pleasure....the highly anticipated by those who have no lives picture made mention of around the world. Jeezy creezy! Who cares?! You'd think it was the second coming of Christ or something! It's not baby Jesus Shiloh for cripe's sake folks! Get over it already! Brangelina's bastard lust child is soooo 3 months ago AKA late-early for days much like kitten heels.

Yeah, it's cool that they donated the $4 million in proceeds to charity, but they are reaping ever greater rewards in press coverage. Trust me. It's not all about being do-gooders, there is definitely self-promotion going on.

And who the Hell keeps a $17,000 jewel-encrusted pacifer (AKA binky) as a baby gift anyway? Auction that sucker off on eBay for another chunk of change and adopt a kid or twelve from one of those "-istan" countries of the former USSR....

POST NOTE:
While 'Brangelina' have already given money to the African community which hosted them, including $300,000 dollars to two state hospital maternity wards, according to CARE, a leading humanitarian organization, here is how much this binky would provide to an African community if its monetary worth were donated.

The $17,000 would pay for:

-283 girls to go to school for one year

-708 school kits - with pen, pencil, slate, pencil sharpener, erasers, notebooks and transportation of the supplies to remote areas.

-61,000 people to eat for a day or feed 400 families for a month.

-77 families to start small poultry businesses. Each family would get 25 chickens, a hen house, feed, and vaccinations for the chickens.

-1,000 families to receive a fishing kit (two packs of twine, one pack of hooks) so they can fish to feed themselves.

-10,000 safe delivery kits to help women give birth in communities or in emergencies where there is no hospital or clinic. The kits contain soap, razor blades, plastic sheeting, string and instructions to help facilitate a clean, safe delivery.

I still vote for adopting 12 "istan" country children!

Things I've Learned Recently.....
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: K.T. Tunstall
1. Rick Springfield is still pretty hot for a has been from the 'Where Are They Now' file.

2. The scary born again religious right preachers on the Trinity Broadcast Network are starting to dress less like preachers and more like Vegas pimps (Yes, Dr. Jesse Duplantis, I'm talking about you).

3. When a tacky chick with badly highlighted hair (think racing stripes on a badger) compliments you on your haircolor, resist the urge to immediately run out and buy some Clairol Nice & Easy in Dark Brown.

4. It frightens me that I understand the words coming out of Jackie Chan's mouth better than I understand what passes as the English language from Chris Rock.

5. If you think that the CEO of your company just called you "Rosebutt" in light of your freshly redinized coif, be sure to verify prior to reacting with "Rosebutt? Are you suggesting this looks like a baboon's ass?" as you irritatedly point to your head.(He coughed and said "Uh, rosebud....with a 'd'".)

The Fish That Fought Over Food AKA Sharing My Ass!
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Jewel - Pieces of You
So I got this email from my girlfriend Deb yesterday….

“I had a very amusing day today. For an assignment in Jack's first grade class, all the kids had to write and illustrate an original book and then read it to the class and their families.

Well, all the other children had these sweet, moralistic, happy-ending type stories that involved their family, friends, adorable furry forest creatures, or Harry Potter. Jack's story? Yeah, not so much. I've attached it for you so you can read it! And, as you read this, picture Jack reading it with such drama, humor and enthusiasm, it would put Robin Williams to shame (especially since all the other kids read their stories in a lifeless monotone!) He was so over the top when he read it—I tell ya’, the guy’s a little drama queen! Think shades of Will & Grace a la ‘Just Jack 2006’ complete with jazz hands! Every other parent in there was totally bent over, rolling with laughing by the end of it. Oddly enough (not), his story was extremely popular with the Dads!”

My first thought, after recovering from overwhelming laughter, was "A grenade? What exactly is going on over at that house anyway?" I guess they're watching too much of the Military Channel or something!

On the bright side, at least he didn't draw the untimely demise of Nemo as a bunch of chum bitlets. The little fish laying there with two Xs for eyes is graphic enough!

I think Jack's little brother, AKA Nemo, had better watch his back!

Celebrity Gossip AKA I believe.....
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Raconteurs
That Sean "Puff Daddy" "P. Diddy" Combs was directly involved in some seriously nasty goings on (think Tupac and Biggie), and if some of his hoity-toity friends ever found out about it, they would hide their heads in shame at ever being in the same restroom stall doing blow with him.

What the!
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: The All-American Rejects
Ok, so I was suckered into watching the American Idol finale. I know, for shame.

Now, I can see why the producers zoom in on celebrities in the crowd shots to show the Hollywood hoi palloi who show up to attend the finale. So I understand why they zoomed in on David Hasselhoff. What I don't understand is why when they zoomed to him to get a reaction shot, he was crying like a little bitch when they announced Taylor Hicks as the winner. What the?!

Perhaps they were tears of jealousy as Taylor can look forward to having a music career and fan following outside of Germany unlike David Hasselhoff.

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Flyleaf
For those of you who used to visit the home page (don't bother to go check it as it's now defunct), I used to put in a bit of celebrity gossip each week. As many of you know, I was in the entertainment industry for a while and have several friends who are still involved in it who pass on inside dirt.

Several 'regulars' have emailed me and asked me to bring it back. So starting this week, each week there will be an "I Believe" celebrity gossip/insider bit for your consumption and comments.

Enjoy!

I believe that stars sometimes "go into rehab for an addiction to prescription painkillers" right after they've had cosmetic surgery so that no one thinks it's unusual for them to be out of the public eye for a certain length of time as they recover. That it is a sad testament to the Hollywood mentality that they would rather be thought of as a drug addict than to be known for not being naturally dewy and youthful looking. That for guys, it's usually all about hair transplants like Nic Cage who has spent well over $1 million battling hair loss and still hasn't gotten it right.





That Matthew McConaughey was one of the few who didn't claim to go into rehab, instead he took a "spiritual sojourn" to Africa or wherever and it just happened to coincide with the time he needed for his new hair plugs to grow in.

(Notice the glazed eyes on Stoner McBongo in this 1999 mugshot from his arrest for naked bongo playing while uberly baked--couldn't very well claim rehab now could he?)

Now check him out in his new movie "Failure to Launch" and the guy is literally sporting a massive hair helmet!

Casa De Meg O Rama
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Sugarcult
Apparently, I am grossing you all out with my midget porn and narfy toenail pictures so here are some that won't offend you although they may bore you to tears.

I finally took some pics of the new pad albeit crappy ones with my cell phone. I have yet to find the box and/or boxes that my digital camera and 35MM are packed in but this gives you an idea about my random decorating at least.

This family room shot looks freakish because my walls are painted USPS 'return receipt requested' green AKA pale mint hideous! I didn't have time to paint before I moved in so I have added it to my ever legthening list of "Shit To Do Around The House Before I Die And/Or Run Out of Money". It clashes nicely with my metal, wood and earthtones don't ya' think?!

Here is a shot of the corner of my back porch complete with new 100 gallon fish tank AKA horse trough that came with the house purchase for my low rent Koi AKA ginormous oversized Comet goldfish. Please note the middle window that is covered with a box top--that is the one I put my hand through on day 4. Nicely done on my white trash repair!

A quick shot of a small sampling of the weird ass shit in my master bathroom. Think Hindu run amok while holding hands with modern art.




And then here is one of the side of the kitchen--the place where all the magic happens...ok, only once but every room in a new house needs to be blessed at least once.

Enough already? Ready to tear your hair out? Just wait--there's more...

In Desperate Need of a Pedicure
Mood:  don't ask
With all of the moving, unpacking, decorating and business trips I have had no time to post, let alone take care of personal hygiene. Get your minds out of the gutters folks! I have not joined the ranks of the great unwashed like Brad Pitt has. I'm talking about the much needed pedicure I need to get scheduled lickity split.

My feet are starting to resemble those of a lesser relative of Big Foot. As in kind of sketchy borderline narfy. I was feeling pretty bad about it until I came across this picture. I've got NOTHING on these!

Speaking of Google Searches
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Fun Boy Three
I have an answer for one of you who came to Meg-O-Rama looking for the answer to "how small are midgets penises".

Given that they have small feet, small hands and pretty much small everything, one would figure...small.

Well, here's your answer...



Don't say I never gave you any free porn!

Who Are the Freakies in Your Neighborhood
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Tool
Well, I’m not in moving Hell anymore…more like moving Purgatory. I have a decent chunk done, but not enough. And can I just tell you that I almost crapped when I realized how much crap I have? Seriously! Jeesh! I have to admit that my sister was right—I seriously need to do a major purge and garage sale accompanied by a call to the Good Will for a massive ol’ pickup. Seriously! How much random shit does any one broad need? I tell you…

So, on the cool side, several neighbors have stopped by to introduce themselves. It’s also kinda spooky AKA Who Are the Freakies in Your Neighborhood.

My doorbell rings and after realizing it was not my cell phone ringing (I am beyond not used to a digital doorbell) I open the door to find some old broad with scary psycho killer eyes on my porch. You know those stone cold pale-colored eyes that feel like winter? I call them psycho killer eyes. Anywho, she proceeds to say “Hi, my name’s Jackie—welcome to the neighborhood…we’re putting our house on the market and moving to Arkansas.” I just stood there for a minute blinking and then I replied “Have I annoyed you that much already?” To which she started laughing and that was my first meeting of a neighbor albeit a temporary one.

It went down hill at a rather rapid pace from there. Weirdest one so far was the broad from down the street that I am pretty sure rides the short bus AKA window licker. She just was not right in the head folks! The dogs are madly barking and running around as I answer the door and this weird looking blond gal is standing there and says “You need to check your dogs.” Huh? I look down at the dogs and look back up and she says “Your dogs are out.” What? I say “Uh, they’re both right here.” To which she responds “Do you have kids?” and I say “Er, no.” and she replies “It’s ok if it’s just you.” What?! Now I am starting to freak. She starts telling me some long ass weird story about her horse and I can feel myself totally zoning out on her to ‘la-la-la I’m not listening’ land. All I can do at this point is start trying to steer the conversation to a rapid and unspectacular end and not soon enough.

I have had more random, previously unknown, drop in visitors in the last 2 weeks than I have had in the last year and none of the bastards brought liquor. It’s getting beyond annoying having arbitrary folks ringing my door bell on a regular basis. Can’t they see that I am naked, swilling beer, watching Springer and unpacking as it were? Jeesh! Inconsiderate swine! Who do they think they are anyway? My neighbors or something?!

Don't Hate Me Cuz I Am Still Unpacking
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Panic at the Disco
So I am still here in moving Hell. According to my mover, I have enough stuff to fill a 4,000 sq ft house which is apparent by the amount of crap that is currently being stored in my carport. Have I mentioned that we’re expecting rain tomorrow? Joy! Not!

Anywho, even scarier, is that I still have tons of stuff at the old pad. So much so, that I’m having my movers come back on Tuesday to schlep the remainder of it! After one load on my own, I was done.

Have I mentioned lately that I am in Hell?

As I have done nothing ‘fun’ lately, other than unpacking, the only interesting story I could tell you would be that my evil dogs were barking and savaging through the fence at the neighbor’s dogs. I, being a moron, banged on the window to get their attention and put my fist right through it. Yup. Not even in the house four days and I am having to call a repair man. Well, then again, if it can cut me or burn me it will.

In the meantime, here are more uber freaky Google searches that led folks to my blog. Call me crazy but these just amuse and frighten me to no end…


"Skating with Stars" wrestler

man is attacked by chimps

friday night titillation

zowie bowie arizona pictures

I won’t be giving you my heart this year…

"bobby crosby" girlfriend

NUN PHOBIA

AskNow and Steve Feder

inga sweater

score magazine dec 05

warrior tattoo

Valerie napsack

hummer cologne smells like

instabond adhesive spray made by

stool seats at zoomanity

butterflymall fraud (severaln searches on this)

Hottie in the rear

jenna blog cute manager safeway

why do swingers lean on the wall

"happy ending" massage Wisconsin

Supposibly

jan 06 tupac alive

Teen Asian Big Boobs In Sexy Lingerie

"nick swardson" ninja

peter likins

midgets nuns (weird foreign google search)

redbrick pizza

lower back tattoo cum target

stuffed stay-puff marshmallow collector dolls

American nude cowboy

"William Blake" "fear of nuns"

I will try to be back soon with some more inane stories--as soon as I have a life again....

A Snowboarding Story
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: UB40
So here I am—still in moving Hell. It hasn’t rained in like 142,000 days in Phoenix and I pick the one day to move that it fricking rains and rains and rains. Good news? My mover cancelled until Tuesday which gives me more time to pack so that those poor bastards can schlep my crap instead of me. (This is my 5th move in 4 years—the movers are taking everything I can shove in a box and tape shut).

Usually when the forecasters say we have a 10% chance or greater of rain it means absolutely dick. It never happens. They may as well say that Phoenix has a 30% chance of snow because it’s got the same probability—none. That is until this weekend. Not only is it raining like no one’s business this weekend, all weekend thanks very little, it’s actually snowing in Scottsdale. It’s such a ginormous deal that it’s actually made national television. I know there is something rather freaky about seeing snow piled up on cactus but please. Apparently, a slow news weekend.

I’d love to drag out the snowboard and go hit the Scottsdale 'slopes' and cause some damage…to myself…but I need to keep at it.

But speaking of snowboarding, here is a Meg snowboarding story.

A few years ago, I was visiting family in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. My sister-in-law and I decided to hit the slopes one day. We ended up going over to Truckee, Idaho, in order to hang more with locals and not so much with the Hollywood/hoi polloi crowd who are more concerned with what they are wearing, how they are looking and who is looking at them then in just hitting the slopes for some fun.

So there we are swooshing away. Me on my board and Darci on her skis just having a good ol’ time. Then Darci goes over a mogul and disappears from view. Before I can react AKA stop my silly ass, I am flying over a mogul that has about a 4-ft drop on the other side. Now I love to board but I’m not all that good as I have the sense of balance God gave dry wall plaster. Combine that with an unexpected obstacle and you know what happened. I went down like a sack of fricking potatoes. Kablam!

The next thing I know, I open my eyes and there’s Jesus, looking pretty scraggy, gazing down at me. I ask “Am I dead?” and Jesus says “No, you’re fine.” And I reply “Are you sure?” and Jesus responds, laughing, “Yes, I’m sure.” So I say “Well, if I’m not dead, how come I see a dirty Jesus?”

All of a sudden, I hear lots of people laughing. I look around and I realize that it’s not Jesus, it’s some long haired, bearded dude from the ski patrol who came to help me after I clubbed myself into unconsciousness—no small feat considering I was wearing a helmet.

So I ended up with a slight concussion, which didn’t stop me from drinking the minute we hit the lodge, and an enemy for life. Apparently the other snow patrol dudes thought “Dirty Jesus” was so funny, it became the guy’s new nickname. Sorry dude. I call ‘em like I see ‘em, head trauma or not....

Deb's Choice Bits
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Yellowcard
I am quickly checking in from Hell AKA the process of buying a house and the subsequent packing, moving and unpacking.

I have been remiss about posting because I have no fricking time to! My world is currently a revolving world of working my ass off at work to come home and work my ass off. Good times I tell you! NOT!!!!

So anywho, I asked Deb to send me a list of her personal favorite Meg-O-Rama entries and the reasons why. This is what she sent:

Tuesday, 10 August 2004
RIP Dearest Sandals
Because it's SO you, and I love any post about shoes

Wednesday, 22 September 2004
I needa...
Because Hummers have been in vogue way too long, and like the Ugg boot, they must be destroyed! And I shudder to think there are men out there who'd think that is cool.

Sunday, 31 October 2004
Trick or Treating in `Ancientpeopleville'
I mean, giving trick or treaters a stapler? Priceless? And to quote Homer Simpson, "It's funny cause it's true!"

Monday, 14 February 2005
Happy VD!
Because it is just so right on!

Saturday, 19 March 2005
Celebrity Funeral
Really hilariously random celebrities, and it is also an homage to your good buddy Jason!

Thursday, 5 May 2005
Call of the Cougar
You needn't ask why!

Monday, 13 June 2005
Yo' Mama!
Because I personally have been at places where you have used these, and the world should know you are not making these up!

Friday, 1 July 2005
Hollywood 'Hit' List
Everyone should have one!

Thursday, 12 January 2006
Fear O Flying
Again, this one hits home, and truly explains fear of flying to the non chicken-shit!

Sunday, 1 January 2006
My Dating Rules for the New Year
Stick to 'em darlin'!

If you haven’t read everything on the site already, check out Deb’s Choice Bits. She’s biased of course but maybe they will keep you amused while I finish my move…or while I step in front of a public bus which would be far less painful.

The Top 100 Reasons Terrorists Hate Us
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The Clash
For some reason, this just totally amuses me (beyond easy to do) and I keep thinking of more. It is now up to the Top 100 Reasons Terrorists Hate Us although I?m sure there are many, many more?.

1. Wal-Mart’s everyday low prices
2. Oprah
3. Seasoned curly fries
4. Shrek I & II
5. Big Lots stores
6. Happy hour
7. Triumph the Insult Dog
8. No foam decaf soy lattes
9. Performance fleece
10. M&Ms
11. Poetry slams
12. Budweiser, the King of Beers, Budbowl
13. Porch swings
14. Calvin & Hobbs
15. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade
16. Drive through liquor stores
17. The Vermont Teddy Bear Company
18. Paris Hilton
19. Hostess Twinkies
20. Pay-per-view porn
21. Chuck Norris
22. Mild salsa from La Victoria
23. Spongebob Squarepants
24. The Ice Capades
25. Celebrity Fit Club
26. CROCs
27. The homo-fabulous actress-groping Isaac Mizrahi
28. Grocery store 'club' cards
29. Emoticons
30. Trophy wives/soccer moms
31. Justin Timberlake screensavers
32. Brazilian waxes
33. The Prius
34. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
35. In-N-Out Burger
36. Free ringtones
37. Halo 2
38. Viagra
39. The fact that it took two years to get the final 10 episodes of The Sopranos
40. Boneless riblets
41. David Hasselhoff
42. ‘Girls Gone Wild’
43. Star Trek conventions
44. Fusion yoga
45. Charles Shaw $2 merlot (AKA Two Buck Chuck at Trader Joe’s)
46. Tevo
47. Match.com
48. Home equity lines of credit
49. French pedicures
50. Boogie boards
51. 1-800-Pet-Meds
52. Bling, bling
53. Strobe lights
54. College Basketball
55. Racial profiling
56. Breast implants
57. Glade Plug Ins
58. Mountain Dew Code Red
59. 1969 Camaro Z-28
60. Hermit crab races
61. I can't Believe it's Not Butter
62. Croched toliet paper covers
63. Midget tossing
64. Ring Pops
65. The George Foreman Grill
66. Deep fried Snickers bars
67. Velour track suits
68. The Blue Man Group
69. Jiffy Lube
70. Frisbees
71. Dear Abby
72. Crab cakes
73. Sunless tanner
74. Kegerators
75. Tom and Katie’s bastard, and most likely turkey baster, child
76. Livestong bracelets
77. Mary Lou Retton
78. The International House of Pancakes
79. Thighmaster
80. Some call it football, we call it soccer
81. Mr. Potatohead
82. P-51 Mustang
83. Silly Putty
84. I dream of Jeannie
85. Oral hygiene
86. The Village People
87. Sleestacks
88. Vanilla Ice
89. Lee Press on Nails
90. Trailer parks
91. Cabbage Patch Dolls
92. Howard Stern
93. Chicken fried steak
94. Las Vegas
95. What you talkin bout Willis?!
96. Mr. Clean
97. Slurpees
98. My Space
99. Appletinis
100. Indian casinos

Olympic Overkill
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: New York Dolls
I have now reached my Olympics saturation level. As In, I’m done.

See, the Olympics are like homemade fudge. You greedily gobble down the first offerings and you just want more! It is unbelievably good. But soon enough, you are sick of it. It finally gets to the point where the mere thought of more makes you positively queasy. Yup. The Olympics are like fudge. It’ my analogy and I’m sticking to it.

Just how many preliminary speed skating runs and trials can I possibly be expected to endlessly watch anyway? Don’t get me wrong, it’s interesting and all, but after watching a seemingly gazillion qualifying runs, I am pretty much at the point where I don’t give a crap who medals—not even if it’s Apolo and that’s saying something!

Show us the “thrill of victory and the agony of defeat” just keep to short clips and highlights to keep our limited attention riveted. Cut the televised program down to the Opening Ceremony, athlete personal interest stories, medal runs and medal presentation. Televise it over a 3-day weekend and be done with it.

The Olympics lack a larger audience because they drag it out and even when you really enjoy them, like fudge, you can have too much.

I’m thinking Olympic Idol…