Mood:  d'oh

Who thought this was a good idea?

I could have happily lived the rest of my life without ever having seen that!

Mood:  mischievious

So as you know, my sister brought Ginger the Chihuahua (AKA Lazarus) back to life. For reals. Well now my sister is claiming that she didn't give Lazarus mouth to snout but instead waved her hands over Lazarus's chest and SHAZAM! She was alive again! It's a miracle!

Now, when my sister informed me of this I just started howling! I was all shades of "Uh, well ok then Jesus Hands!" She says "Jesus Hands?" So I show her. "These are Jazz hands (I flap my hands like Just Jack 2000) and these (I gracefully wave my hands around in a kind of bastardized Catholic hand gesture) are Jesus hands."

So the big joke now is my sister's Jesus Hands.

Last week, I'm in Ross. Love, love, love that store and how can I not when it has shopping carts!?! I think EVERY store should have carts! Can you even imagine? Strolling down the aisles of Checker Auto Parts with a cart....the aisles of See's Candies....the aisles of Fascinations....but I digress. Anywho, I am meandering through the housewares when I spot it. Dun-dun-duh! Sitting on the shelf is the most insanely hilarious gift for my sister. I snatch it up riveted and yet horrified. In my hands? A pair of creepy flesh colored miniature hands are holding a snowglobe and not just any snowglobe. It's Jesus! Jesus in a snowglobe with outstretched arms apparently beseeching me to let him out of his iridescent glitter infused prison. Yes, glitter....with Jesus....in a snowglobe.

I was ALL shades of "WAHOO"-gag gift! I toss it into the basket and make my way to the checkout.

The gal is ringing me up. I'm completely space monkeying out and thinking about how Kathy D-list Griffin's voice sounds like like a Yeti being put through a wood chipper when I hear "Oh! Mira! Mira! Es Jesus Cristo!" "Oh, Dios mio!" and a whole bunch of other non- my native language murmurings.  I turn to see this whole Mexican family staring in awe at me. Hmmmm. That's odd. At me? Then the mom/grandmother/tia whatevs reaches over and pats me on the wrist while pointing to the Bubble Boy Jesus I'm buying and says "Es be-autiful."

Ok, I feel like a total jerk! Asshole extraordinaire! Here I am buying a Jesus gag gift. What kind of person am I anyway? Here I am making fun of a snowglobe that they obviously consider a religious artifact.

Wait a minute! We're talking a snowglobe here! A glittery snowglobe where Jesus apparently is being held against his will or so his blatant attempts at miming a wall seem to say. I think there's an out clause on this one. I mean really there is a line in the sand between respectful religious icons and things that cross that line over to the Buddy Jesus action figure side of the road.

I started getting a little pissy then. I mean really where does it end? I can't make fun of the Hand of Jesus Backscratcher, the Jesus Toothpickholder, the Jesus Skoal Holder or the Jesus Master Blaster squirt gun?

And where was this atrocity made? China. Only China would think a Jesus snowglobe was a good idea....

Shake, shake, shake....shake, shake, shake....shake your Jesus! Shake your Jesus!

Mood:  silly

• S'mores could be one of those ‘Nectar of the Gods' foods....but then again so could funnel cakes.

• Stereotypes oh so firmly on the shelf, I still do not get the whole Brigitte Neilson/ Flava Flav hookup. Talk about your train wreck! Makes Brittney Spears look normal!

• If my mom says "Well, we wouldn't want that would we?" I IMMEDIATELY want "that"-- no matter what "that" is.

• There is no socially redeeming value to "Who's the Boss?"

• Vin Diesel used to be so unbelievably smoking hot. ‘Used to be' being the correct verb tense there....

Mood:  silly

WannaScream: Hullo? Why you no answer? You keep me hanging onnnnnnnnnnn (singing!)

Nutmeg: Hey babe! Sorry--on the phone with my sis....

WannaScream: It's kewl-wassup?

Nutmeg: My parents are going to her pad tomorrow and she's hit ‘beyond stress" level. Kind of like Terror Alert level Orange where you are just running around like a chicken with your head cut off-as in you know you're screwed but you keep moving anyway....hope for the best-prepare for the worst and all that jazz.

WannaScream: Ooooooooohhhh a visit from the folks! Hide the sex toys the parents are coming!

Nutmeg: Nice play on words there babe....

WannaScream: I thought so, but then again sometimes I am far funnier than you seem to think I am...

Nutmeg: Bwah! Ha! Ha! Evile laugh!

WannaScream: Evile! No no no!!!!!!!!!!! Not the evile laugh! I'm in deep shit now!

Nutmeg: Chu know it mang! You dead jeffe!

WannaScream: I need to download real messenger while I'm chatting to you so I can chat with you in a regular window.

Nutmeg: You're irregular? So sad :( Quelle horror! Aye que lastima! And other assorted appropriate foreign language terms!

WannaScream: oh no no no, regular as all get out in that area, lol. A meal in, a meal out I always say

WannaScream: I know, TMI, but you brought it up

Nutmeg: Wow! Now that's wisdom! I had NO idea you were so wise! When is your help book being published?

WannaScream: ;>) You velly, velly silly there honey

Nutmeg: And could you be more specific? You seemed to stop just short of describing the active state of your colon....<shudder>

WannaScream: I don't even need that new yogurt shit they're pushin on tv!

Nutmeg: I was unaware of ‘that new yogurt shit'--have you ever thought of joining the ever expanding and oh so lucrative field of marketing cuz I am seriously sold now on ‘that new yogurt shit'!

WannaScream: Well now, I have been told at least several times that I can be a bit persuasive....

Nutmeg: Oh tell it to me Magic Man! He's the Magic Man....

Nutmeg: Sing it with me bitch!

WannaScream: He's a magic man mama....Ok just slit my throat now! Felt like I was driving a TiTi and wearing cashmere tube socks for a moment there!

Nutmeg: Ya' think?!

WannaScream: No, I don't think very often....it hurts too much and I tend to set off the smoke detectors.

WannaScream: The new beta messenger is kinda cool

Nutmeg: I just don't like that the person you are talking to can save all of the messages

WannaScream: You should always save the messages. Yahoo has always had an archive setting.

Nutmeg: Yeah. Just not big on the saving the messages. Sometimes they're funny enough but I'm always thinking blackmail as I am 12 shades of paranoid that way.

WannaScream: Blackmail me all you want - I got nothin you'd wanna take!

Nutmeg: LOL--I want yer Black Sabbath CD and the rest of your shampooooooo!

WannaScream: Well I might mourn the loss of the shampoo.....but I'll just burn a copy of the Sabbath cd before you take it so we're all good, LMFAO!

Nutmeg: Damn! I'd better be more nefarious in my choices!

Nutmeg: Ok- I'll take that bag of m & m's and your last pair of clean tubesocks!

WannaScream: Oh, well shit, I was gonna wear those socks tomorrow too! Looks like I'd better get on some laundry tonight....LOL

Nutmeg: I said give me your tube socks bitch!

WannaScream: Air Mail or Parcel Post? Cuz you're being all grabby hands and stuff so I don't want you in my pad-I don't want to have to go all shades of ‘human weapon' on your ass when you try to take my Killer Clowns From Outer Space DVD...again!

Just another day on IM....

Mood:  happy

I can't look at this picture without chuckling....but giggling fat men do that to me.

Mood:  silly

What can I say? You want me to admit I'm hooked? Fine. I am. I am a full on literary addict. Completely and utterly fanatic about reading. Might as well face it.... I'm addicted to words....(admit it--you're imagining big red lipped chicks in black swaying to the music right now....)

Does my heart trip and catch at the thought of indulging in the latest Jasper Fford ‘Thursday Next' novel? Oh yeah it does!

When I check my email and see a notice from the Phoenix Public Library that my books are in, do I get a thrill similar to that first cold beer you chug down after a long day of hot sweaty yard work? Unbelievably so!

I am a word junky and I really, really like the big words. You know the ones. Everyone has one or two that they casually drop into random conversation.

One of my favs is digerati. As in "My neighbor Dave works for Mac Business Solutions-he is such the digerati!" (digerati-computer technology expert-basically a computer geek) Wow, do I sound intelligent or what?! ‘Zactly!

So I have a coworker, AKA The Pig Whisperer (a long and hilarious tale for some other time) who is really well spoken. Seriously. He has a rapier wit and the effortless ability to drop in the big words. Hilariously enough, I always find myself having to comment on these gems to him.

So there we are in our boss's office chatting about an upcoming event.

TPW: Well the problem that I see inherent to this course of action would be the predilection of those involved to indulge in their voracious..."

I can't help it---I interrupt.

"Predilection? Nice! Love that word!"

TWP: "Isn't it though?"

"It's like plethora. Just fun to say!"

TWP: "Oh yeah-how about erudite?"

 "Love it! I totally love multi-syllabic words!"

At this point our bemused boss who has just been half listening to us and, yet, laughing at us, says "What? MultiSlavic? Many Slavs? What?"

TWP and I started cracking up!  Knowing he misheard me, I repeat "multi-syllabic."

To which he cracks up saying "I was wondering...lots of Slavic folks?"

Like I'm Dan Quayle or something. Thanks chief!

So a few more ‘big' words that I totally lurve....

Clavicle

Didactic

Cacophony

Transmogrifying

Intarsia

Viscosity

Skirmish

Formulaic

Recumbent

Abscond

Proboscis

Ordnance

Perforated

Requiem

And the nice thing? I know how to pronounce them unlike in 5^th grade when I was talking to mom and I popped out with this nugget.

"Well mom, you knew that Louis Vuitton bag that broad was hocking was totally pseudo!"

Here I am, in 5^th grade, dropping a full on high school word on my unsuspecting mom. It could have been amazing. Yep, could have been had I pronounced it anywhere near correctly.

Mom: "Puh-Suede-O? It's made out of suede?"

"No, you know mom, it's fake, imitation, counterfeit, pretend..."

Mom: "Uh honey, that would be pronounced ‘sue dough'."

What can I say? I've come a long way...

Mood:  surprised

Funnily enough, I was checking Meg-O-Rama's stats the other day and there was actually a Google search out of South Africa for "the f-spot"....

Hmmm....sure hope whoever was looking for the online photo library known as F-Spot or some women in South Africa might want to start running now....

Mood:  mischievious

We've decided to take a lesson from the Bud Light commercial and start a cussing jar--all proceeds to be used to furnish alcohol in some form or another.

So far? Not working real well. I seem to be the only person contributing. Well, me and our graphic artist who doesn't even swear but he is all about the purchase of alcohol for consumption.

The other day Anne, Joy and I were reviewing a report in Anne's office. Another coworker of ours walked by and said "Oh look, it's the Bermuda Triangle." We laughed and then as he walked by, Joy said "The f-girls you mean" to which we all started laughing.

I was all shades of worried that he would think we were laughing at him so later when I saw him walk by Anne's office, I stopped him and told him that we had laughed about calling ourselves the ‘f-girls'. He laughed and I could tell he still didn't get what we were talking about. So I explained the new anti-swearing regs and that we referred to ourselves as the ‘f-girls' because of the amount of f-bombs in our language.

He started laughing and said "Oh, I thought you meant some weird gynecological thing."

Anne and I looked at each other....huh?

He said "You know like the f-spot. I learned about the f-spot 3 years ago..."

WTF? The f-spot?

I looked at him and said "The f-spot? Do you mean a five spot? A five dollar bill?"

"No" he said, "You know....THE f-spot"

I said "I think you mean the g-spot because I'm pretty sure that the f-spot is a few inches further back and most chicks just aren't into it."

We all looked at each other and started cracking up!

Then Anne says "Why is it called the g-spot anyway?"

He replied "It was named for Doctor Gräfenberg who found it."

I said "Good thing Doctor Heimlich didn't discover it."

And he said "Yeah because then women would be losing it on the table."

"More likely on the floor....directional gravity and all that you know" I said.

Yeah, swearing is the main amendment we needed to make to the employee manual. They probably would have been better off to have added in an expert opinion from the Sexual Harassment Panda....

Mood:  incredulous

So I got this email from Deb today-

Meg,

Where the Hell have you been!?!

I thought you might find this as amusing as we did! Hard to believe my sons' school can't keep a principal for long. I think if Jesus himself applied for this position he wouldn't have adequate character for these stupid fucking parents!

Deb

Attached was the following:

TO HUALAPAI PARENTS:

Based on last week's meeting and other input, the attached list of characteristics desired for the new Hualapai Principal has been compiled.

Input from Site Council and Staff

May 9, 2007

Hualapai Principalship

Liz Montoya met with the Hualapai Site Council, staff and parents to gather input regarding the characteristics desired in a new principal. The following areas were identified:

Hualapai Principal Characteristics

• Mentor all teachers, especially new teachers
• Models different instructional styles and strategies
• Has teaching experience
• Reliable (keeps appointments)
• Punctual
• Organized
• Understands and able to utilize technology
• Facilitator
• Flexible
• Professional
• Actively participates in the classroom
• Actively participate as a member of the community
• Personable/friendly
• Open door policy
• Able to represent the school's interests and all of the school's populations
• Fearless
• Honesty
• Integrity
• Supports and respects the classified staff
• Creates an integrated staff community
• Knows all students (names, personally)
• Gathers input before making changes
• Broad thinker; visionary
• Understands the educational culture of the school
• Understands the mission of the school
• Guides the school forward in its mission
• Holds self and others accountable
• Effectively communicates with parents
• Firm but fair
• Listens to concerns
• Decisions made with focus on students' best interests
• Presence commands respect
• Willing to take a stand on behalf of the school
• Advocate and voice for the school
• Understands shared decision making
• Sense of humor
• Problem solver
• Takes action
• Understands budgets and funding
• Decisive
• Follow through
• Works with parents to implement supplemental educational programs
• Support, model and add creative input to prevention program
• Listens and supports teachers and parents with regard to student placement
• Ability to evaluate teaching talents
• Skilled at hiring teachers
• Commitment and longevity to Hualapai
• Supports different educational programs (i.e. uniforms)
• Supports special area programs
• Offers consistency

Are you kidding me? I mean, really, visionary??? How much of a visionary do you have to be to tell some first grader that it might not be in his/her best interest to eat paste!?!

Because I was bored and wishing I was at home swilling a cold beer or at the worst painting my kitchen, following is my response to Deb and my revised list of Hualapai Principalship characteristics.

Deb-

I have been AWOL in DC-I'll fill you in on the high and low lights of my trip later-but as I stole soda from the Cannon House Office Building and commandeered a bus, my work there is done!

If this makes it's way around the Internet and onto the Ellen Show I deny all culpability and whatever other lawyer jargon I don't really understand but like to throw around cause Latin's sooooo sexay!!!

Smooches-Meg

Input from Site Council and Staff

May 9, 2007

Hualapai Principalship

Liz Montoya met with the Hualapai Site Council, staff and parents to gather input regarding the characteristics desired in a new principal. Every possible area known to man and some unknown to man apparently were identified:

Hualapai Principal Characteristics

• Mentor all teachers, especially new teachers, and especially new teachers who are overly inept or needy
• Models different instructional styles and strategies as well as Spring's latest fashions from Target
• Has teaching experience in the broader sense of the term as in "has come into contact with" sort of like a politician has political experience
• Reliable (keeps appointments) as opposed to the unreliable principals we all had growing up who ditched appointments for the uber important Mickey Mantle breakfast of champions
• Punctual or at least aware that the shiny pretty strapped to his/her arm can in fact miraculously tell the time
• XRay vision or Buns of Steel
• Organized to the point of anal retentive/adult OCD and proud of it!
• Understands and able to utilize technology or has the intelligence to outsource Hualapai's needs to India like every other company in the US
• Facilitator skills similar to those of the ever so accomplished United Nations
• Flexible as a slinky or at least as flexible as Mr. Fantastic
• Professional, as opposed to amateur, which really only helps in porn and lesbianism
• Actively participates in the classroom without utilizing hand puppets
• Actively participates as a member of the community while actively utilizing hand puppets
• Personable/friendly like the average Yellow Lab but not as much as say a Golden Retriever
• Open door policy as long as everyone has their clothes on
• Able to represent the school's interests and all of the school's populations--animal, vegetable and mineral--with the greatest of ease. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's the Principalship!
• Fearless like a non-flyer on Xanax!
• Honesty because although it's the best policy, we just don't always adhere to it now do we kids?
• Integrity better than that of a Firestone Tire on an SUV going 60pmh
• Supports and respects the classified staff and is humorless and browbeats the unclassified staff
• Creates an integrated staff community-Kum-Ba-Yah you bastards!
• Knows all students (names, personally) just not in the biblical sense
• Gathers input before making changes from the idiots who put together the characteristics of Jesus, A Principalship
• Broad thinker; visionary who doesn't act until he/she gathers input from a multitude of time wasting and unproductive meetings
• Understands the educational culture of the school is similar to that of a cesspool or an early 14^th Century peat bog
• Understands the mission of the school AKA Get these kids to pass the AMES test and get the Hell out of here before puberty!
• Guides the school forward in its mission, which mission we're really not sure as our parents have come up with several. We have no clear vision statement. Perhaps we should have another round of meetings and...
• Holds self and others accountable as we hold the fast food industry accountable for making us all fat!
• Effectively communicates with parents using small words and diagrams as necessary
• Firm but fair...like most men like their blondes
• Listens to concerns or at least appears to by making the serious face
• Decisions made with focus on students' best interests because lunch is the most important meal of the day
• Presence commands respect or at least requests it
• Willing to take a stand on behalf of the school at every Suns, Diamondbacks, Coyotes, etc. games if free tickets are provided
• Advocate and voice for the school because Elvis impersonators have a commanding presense!
• Understands shared decision making READ AS: parents will be making the decisions for you figurehead person
• Sense of humor necessary to deal with parents as is the ability to competitively Rock-Paper-Scissor for dominance
• Problem solver and avid Word Jumble proponent
• Takes action-What Would Jesus Do?
• Understands budgets and funding and the fact that the school district just won't be seeing any extra money with the English Only and No Child Left Behind provisions. You and your sister will just have to share that pencil bitches!
• Decisive like the new Immigration reform bill
• Follow through especially in his/her softball pitch
• Works with parents to implement supplemental educational programs like underwater basket weaving, making real menudo, how to de-pill performance fleece and deciphering old Russian proverbs
• Support, model and add creative input to prevention program in order to prevent all preventable...ah, things
• Able to build small scale suspension bridges out of Chiclets and toothpicks...blindfolded!
• Listens and supports teachers and parents with regard to student placement during fire drills
• Ability to evaluate teaching talents and those who should move on to Deal or No Deal
• Skilled at hiring teachers for low, low wages
• Commitment and longevity to Hualapai Middle School barring fatal disease, chronic illness or being hit by a public bus
• Supports different educational programs (i.e. uniforms) such as putting the ‘tards into plastic bubble suits
• Supports special area programs around Uranus
• Offers consistency and viscosity
• The ability to turn water into wine (see above)

Maybe if they go with my list they'll manage to keep a principal longer than a year!

Mood:  a-ok

It was with a heavy heart and great sadness that I bid a fond farewell to my MySpace page-NOT! Enough was enough! What a freakshow and not in the good pin head, fat lady, dog boy, retire to Gibbstown freakshow kind of way!

At first it was all shades of fun. You know-meeting new peeps, Internet flirting with sexy men living several states away, reading blogs, changing up my page and theme song and then....eh, not so much. 

First it was the endless Internet porn/nudie chick invites. You know the ones "Hey, MySpace won't let me put up my naked pics so go to my other page at http://www.brittney69hotsex.net/ to see them." MySpace won't let you put your naked pictures up? Are you kidding me? Have you looked around chick? It's not nicknamed ‘Naked Space' for nothing! Your pictures must show you engaging in seriously nasty relations with an artificial fist wielded by a blindfolded Nixon hand puppet in order for MySpace to ban them! 

Then it was the SPAMMER freaks who ask to be added as a friend over and over and over. Their entire page was a complete advertisement for some random thing crappy thing I don't want or need-like phone cards, Abercrombie & Fitch (at least that one had hotties on it), free phone rings, etc. Between my work and personal emails, I get a mind numbing amount of SPAM email! I am SO not willingly opting in for more! 

Finally, all of the wanna be lotharios! I really believe now that everyone on MySpace is completely full of shit! It's beyond interesting when someone is trying desperately to meet you in person and yet, won't answer a single harmless question that isn't already posted on his page. Even more interesting is when they turn on the smarmy factor to try to weasel out of answering anything.

ME: So what did you do last weekend?

LOTHARIO: Quebec reminds me of you....the way the rain makes the cobblestones shiny....like your deep brown eyes....limpid pools that I could fall into....

ME: Oh, so you were in Quebec over the weekend?

LOTHARIO: Your smile....your lips....they remind me of mild salsa from El Rancho....

ME: Uh.... Does that mean you weren't in Quebec? 

In this day and age, I'm not meeting up with some random guy from the Internet without at least having a last name and Googling him. Oh come on-we ALL do it! In my ‘stalked often' experience, my first thought is if you are withholding minor basic information from me that you are, without a doubt, an axe murderer or worse....a Democrat! Kidding! Worse as in "....with fava beans and a nice chianti" worse. 

If I was trolling for a serious relationship, it would never be on MySpace! Overall, just nasty! Might as well hit the ‘Causual Encounters' area of Craigslist. (If you've never checked it out-it's beyond foul and yet, much like a car accident, you just can't tear yourself away!)  

Don't get me wrong-I did meet some super cool folks online and it was fun while it was....well, fun but I'm done.

Mood:  don't ask

As you know, my mom had a brain tumor and underwent 5 ½ hours of brain surgery—successfully. However, my sister and I were really hoping that perhaps the surgery would effect her in a long term way and maybe she might end up being not so….well, fucking mean! So much for hope!

So my sister calls me the Monday evening….

“Meg, mom’s back to same ol’, same ol’—major bitch! She TOTALLY flipped out on me today!”

“What happened?”

“Well, I called her to fill her in on my way whacked weekend.…” and then, my sister starts telling me the story….

So let’s all hold hands, whilst singing Kum-Ba-Yah, and step into the way back machine and here’s Lind’s story….

Saturday evening. Her Black Lab mix, Belle, is having serious respiratory problems. Nasal passages swollen. Dog having problems breathing, etc. I ask her “Did you give her Benadryl?” (For those of you without pets, Benadryl is the end all be all for allergies, allergic reactions, etc.) “No. I was worried that she had an obstruction and that if I gave her Benadryl and waited, it would be too late.” Understandable. They are our furry babies and such.

So Linds takes her to the emergency room—after hours $$$$ Cha-Ching! They had 3 other high priority trauma cases---an obstruction, a dog who had been hit by a car and a dog that was poisoned. Needless to say, they told Linds that they wouldn’t be able to see Belle any time soon, but that she should leave Belle with them as they would be better able to observe her. So Linds leaves at 2:30am and goes home. At 7:30 am, the vet calls to say Belle is fine. Apparently, the new aromatherapy collar Lind’s had gotten her to keep her from barking (nuisance barking like nobody’s biz) had irritated Belle’s sinuses and sent her into a massive allergic reaction.

WHEW! Ok, an emergency vet visit, but still—nothing serious---so WHEW!

Sunday evening. Linds has gone to bed. And let me tell you, the broad sleeps like a freight train and snores like one too—trust me. She suddenly wakes up to the sound of two coughs. Two odd coughs. Panicked, she sits up and looks around. She sees Janelle’s 14 yr old Chihuahua, Ginger. Before she can even move, she hears a horrible scream emanating from the dog. “Meg, it was like a thousand lobsters being thrown into boiling water”- and she does the impression- a high pitched EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So she races over and picks Ginger up. The dog proceeds to cough and then dies in her arms. “Dies Meg!!!! Her bowels and anal fluid evacuate, her bladder lets go, etc. I am standing there with this dead dog, tongue hanging out, glazed over eyes, covered in crap and urine. Janelle, who also is standing there, says ‘Linds you have to do something! You have to do something!’ So I take two fingers and start chest compressions and mouth to mouth, errr…muzzle resuscitation.”

Now imagine, Linds, with total bed head, covered in crap, urine, etc. using two fingers to do chest compressions on the dead Chihuahua and then---mouth to muzzle resuscitation!!!  Stab, stab—blow! Stab, stab—blow! Linds goes down for one more breath and Ginger suddenly coughs up a hug blob of mucus into Lind’s mouth and….comes back to life! Seriously!

Halleluiah! Can I get a witness?!

I start giving my sister shit—immediately! “Who are you? Lindsay Jesus? Did you make the sign of the Holy dog bone over her? Hey dog whisperer, etc., etc.”

So they rush Ginger to the emergency vet and when the vets ask, after saying ‘Hey you were just here last night’, Linds proceeds to explain to the vet that Ginger….died. For reals. She died in Lind’s arms. And then, much like Lazarus, she came back. The vets did tons of tests, came back and said “Ginger’s fine—we ran every test and she’s…well, alive.”

So they take Ginger home Sunday night and all is good with the world. (On a side note, I asked Linds if she was going to wash her outfit. She responded, “Sometimes, the collateral damage is such, you just have to walk away.” Sounds like me and my rabid flu experience...those sweatpants went into the garbage immediately!)

It’s now Monday. Linds calls my mom to fill her in on the unbelievable trauma from the weekend. Cuz’ that’s what you do with your mom right? Yeah no. Not so much with Den-Den. Linds finished the above traumatic and yet hilarious retelling of her weekend and Den’s response?

“Oh, once again, you get yourself into trouble and I have to step in and save you. It’s always about me rescuing you kids from the situations you find yourselves in!”

Uh. What?! Okay, freak. Whatevs!!

Here my poor sister is just trying to ‘share’ her horribly traumatic weekend with mom and instead gets the massive smack down that she was just trying to hit mom up for some chump change coin!

The lesson to remember here? If it’s not about mom--it will be! It’s alllll about the Den-Den!!!! Well, that or never count your Chihuahua until it’s dead or something like that….

Mood:  hug me

Riddle me this. When does a third date go from really cool to sucks ass? How about when you come back from dinner and the two of you decide to watch a movie at your house. After some discussion, the nod goes to Team America. You tell him “I’m going to go change into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt for the movie—I’ll be right back.”

You come back less than 5 minutes later and he’s naked on your couch. Naked. On. Your. Couch.  

W to the T to the F homeslice!?! I didn’t say I was going to go ‘get more comfortable’. There was no ‘Hey let’s get naked’ euphemism! There wasn’t even a slight hint of one!!!

I’m shocked! A rarity I know but it does occasionally happen. A thousand thoughts are running through my mind from EWWWWWWWWWW! to how much it’s going to cost me to get the couch steam cleaned and get his junk residue off of it.

So the question begs to be asked and as long as my jaw is hanging open to my knees, I go for it.

“What the FUCK!?!” Short. Concise. To the point.

His reponse? “Well, I figured if you were going to change into something more comfortable, I would too.”

Ok. Taking off your shoes is one thing. Stripping to your less than impressive birthday suit without any sort of invitation? Something completely different!

I haven't shoved a guy out of the house that fast since one evening in high school when my parents came home early from dinner.

New land speed record with this one!

Mood:  a-ok

2. A hungover broad operating on a whopping four hours of sleep can successfully install a new Energy Star rated digital thermostat.

3. Toe nail clippers work nicely when you can't find your wire strippers it just takes slightly longer....slightly.

4. Even though I have never purchased a pair of toe nail clippers, I have apparently either stolen 25 of them from random friends and family members over the years or toe nail clippers are prolific breeders.

5. When you know that the electricity is off in your house to keep you from zapping the holy crap out of yourself while installing a thermostat, you will automatically open the fridge that one time too many.

Mood:  sad

This was written by someone I used to know. Read it and see what you think….beyond the typos and misspellings.

To be…Or not to be…A GROWN UP!!!!

“You go through life seemingly being groomed to be a grown up. If you act out your told, "grow up"! If you are having too much fun acting a little unruly it's "your acting childish"! All the while you are being programmed to believe that we as a society need to act like little dilataunts just to be heard or to even be thought of as a responsible member of society. What is it that makes us grown up's? Is it a serious outlook on everything from work to play? Is it living up to our ears in debt, having a job we hate, but paying our bills on time and just kind of trudging through life? I don't know. I have always been and more than likely will always be the "guy who never grew up" in some people's eye's. A child at heart... Oh yeah and body and soul. This outlook on life has cost me money, time,  and most of all relationship's. Family and personal.  Those are the one's that hurt the most. Do I have regrets? Who doesn't? Do they get to me, hell every waking day of my life. Do I wish I could just chill out and bear down into a stable career. Hell yeah!!! I have tried a few times and even though the money was great at those time's I was F*#!&n miserable. More likely than not this what causes so much of my hurt. I wish I could change alot of the pathes I've chosen but I can't. Brutal but that's how life work's. Have I learned anything from my previous choices. Yeah some of them. some of them I am still waiting for the lesson. Overall I don't think thatit is all bad who I am and how I do thing's but there are a few of those decision's that I may  always wonder about. Im not saying that my way has always been the best way to live, but my friend's know where they stand in my life, my family know's where thet stand and hopefully anything unresolved will someday be resolved. As for me I think everbody in the world should be forced to act or look at the world through a childs eye's and heart atleast a few times a year. Maybe that passion for living might be renewed in our lives if we tried.”

Hmmmm….sounds like someone being a brat. Stomping his feet and kicking the dirt.

What seems to be lacking here is the reality and understanding of the difference between refusing or not wanting to grow up versus being responsible. HUGE difference. Welcome to the book of life!

To me, and the majority of people in the world, this is the shit you go through in your late teens and early 20s not at 31. You know when you still lived at home with the ‘rents and your job wouldn’t give you time off to go to Mexico for Spring Break so you just quit so you could do what you want to do? It was all about being pissy about having to conform –it’s sooooo unfair! How come I can’t stay the way I am and have everyone around me love me the way I am? Blaming everyone around you for not allowing you to have your cake and eat it too. That juvenile shit.

You are admitting that your actions have cost you relationships with friends and family and are causing you pain and yet still you refuse to change your behaviors. Well good! Get rid of those folks so you don’t have to change! That says that you aren’t even willing to meet anyone half way. It’s your way or the highway! Well guess what? It boils down to you get what’s coming to you—kind of like karma. The people who care about you are not trying to control you or tell you what to do. They are trying to cheer you on to find a life purpose and you’re resisting because you think they are pushing you to grow up. To me that means that somewhere within yourself you realize that at some level, you are wrong....

Apparently you still don’t know the distinction between ‘childlike’ and ‘childish’. Again, HUGE difference. No one has to grow up but they do have to become responsible. The two are not irreconcilable. I have a serious well paying job. I am responsible. I am still a total goofball--a child trapped in a big person suit.

Your job or lack of career choice does not define you and your outlook on life—you do. You are choosing not to be happy. The question is why. Are the demons from your childhood still controlling you and defining you as a person? It’s beyond just the job—it’s an unhealthy outlook on life.

So become responsible and realize that you can be successful and still view things through the eyes of a child, have passion and enjoy life. It’s your decision. If we all sat around and bitched about working for ‘the man’ we’d all be a bunch of dirty fucking hippies stinking of patchouli traveling the country in our VW bus.

Take the leader of the free world for example. George W. Bush can’t speak literately, can’t spell, has a great sense of humor, never grew up and yet has a serious, well paying job and still sees the world through the eyes of a child….a dyslexic child but still.

What it all boils down to is if nothing ever changes….nothing ever changes.

The world isn’t going to change the rotation of its axis for you babe Your life, your choice.

POST SCRIPT: And let's remember that not everyone tried to force you to grow up. Some people supported your decision to quit a good paying job and instead go back to doing what you loved. Not that it mattered....

Mood:  mischievious

When I see the searches that lead folks to my random site, there are times when I feel like they must have been greatly disappointed. Why? Because most searches pull a singlet here and there from Meg-O-Rama and match up their search even though it’s nowhere close!

All of those poor pervs out there looking for bizarre sexy stuff and getting freakishly funny humor instead. They were robbed!!!! Talk about your disillusionment with the Internet! Damn Al Gore for inventing it!!! You’re sitting there, nekkid, in your grandma’s basement hoping for a hit on a ‘tub girl’ site and instead you end up with a random chuckle about a monkey on the verge of committing murder because of an overdose of marshmallows! Talk about your let down!!!

So here are some of the random searches that led folks to Meg-O-Rama:

• Bondage vids and Mr. Hyde
• Matthew McConaughey hair restoration
• Quacker Factory
• Midgets (my favs)
• nipple clamps
• Supposibley (3 searches)—almost as many searches overall as Butterfly Mall
• Jason Clapper, my dad (huh?)
• Cum target
• Freaky Nipples (not mine)
• Strength of bear, speed of Puma, Napoleon Dynamite
• Banana scented car air freshener
• You are my sunshine
• Meandering coastline of the Americas
• Muppets muppet music
• Rosebutt picture
• Men getting French pedicure
• Tub girl
• Walk Away! Just walk away! Mad Max
• P. Diddy 

I hope that in spite of the misdirection Meg-O-Rama hopefully at least brought a smile to your lips if not the hoped for tug of the groin!

Mood:  down

So follow up on the bizarre hereditary whitish-bluish-yellowish in 2 hours I'm blind disease mom claimed….

I told pop to get a second opinion—ASAP!!! So mom went to another eye doctor who she made fun of—he was a New Yorker—wearing black silk pants, matching shirt, gold chains…basically bling abounding.

He told her he would be remiss if he didn’t look behind her eye with her vision problems. He did and it’s a tumor. The CAT scan confirmed that Den-Den has a brain tumor that is pressing on her optical nerve hence the vision issues.

She was hoping for radiation treatment—6 weeks of 5 days a week—as her 50^th high school reunion is coming up and she wants to look good. No such luck. The tumor is buried in the 3 outer layers of her brain and behind the occular cavity. She is now looking at brain surgery complete with we keep you awake to check if you know who the President is, what year it is and what the square root of 9600 is. It’s going to be quite invasive as they will not only have to shave her head, but remove one of the skull plates and dig in. We're hoping it's found to be a benign meningioma....hoping. 

She’s looking at a week in the hospital and 4-6 weeks of recovery. Wow. I will be spending quite a lot of time in the little hovel I call Tucson trying to spell pop and give him a break as well as being there for Den-Den.

I am rarely serious but I guess this is a rather unwelcome case of serious….

Mood:  incredulous

Sometimes I am beyond shocked at the crazy shit I see every day on my commute to and from work. Seriously what the Holy Fricking Hell are people thinking as they drive?!! Apparently by the number of second nuckle snot excavators that no one can see them!!

It never ceases to amaze me the traveling freak show I see every day—and when I say freakshow, not in the good way like your basic pin-head, midget, fat lady-filled carney sideshow.

Let me give you a brief overview of the insanity….

*Thursday-on my way to work, look over to see a Mexican gal with a brand new Tahoe full of children. At least 5 are under the age of 8 and one is in the front seat. None of them with seat belts or car seats. And what is ‘mom’ doing? She is curling her eyelashes as she drives…with a soup spoon!!!! Seriously! She is pushing her lashes against the spoon as she checks her efforts in the rear view mirror all the while unconcerned as she is swerving into other lanes of traffic.

*Saturday morning-on my way to Sunflower Market. I look over at an Escalade that has smoke POURING out of it a la Cheech & Chong or Spicolli’s van from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. For reals! I pull up next to it and there are two gangster looking black guys sharing a massive spleef which they proceeded to finish off and throw the roach out the window.

*Monday-on my way home from work. A gal driving an Intrepid pulls up to me at a light and I look over and she’s BREAST FEEDING!!!!! BREAST FEEDING as she drives!!! Nothing says love like having your unrestrained infant breastfeeding between you and the airbag filled steering wheel as you zip along at 45 miles per hour in rush hour traffic!!!

*Today on my way home from work I glance over and see a gal who is smoking with her right hand and with her left hand, madly texting someone on her phone. I guess she was steering with her knees or that inconvenient third arm that pops up when you’re cuddling with someone!

Am I out of line to think this is insane? With this kind of craziness what next? Leggings for men? And I’m not talking Baryshnikov!

Mood:  d'oh

So the other night my mom calls.

“Oh Meg, I have something I have to tell you (sob).”

Me, kind of stressing, “Mom, what is it?”

“Well, you can’t tell your father but…”

OK. Right there—issueville! AKA READ: “I am full of shit so don’t tell your dad.” 

“What is it mom?”

“Well, you know I went to the doctor today about the problems I’ve been having with my eyes.”

Well, no I didn’t but okay.

“Well, according to the doctor, I have a hereditary eye disease. I don’t remember what it’s called but if I see a whitish, bluish, yellowish line I will go blind if I don’t get to the doctor within 2 hours.”

WHAT?!!!!

So I say “Holy crap mom, it’s hereditary?”

Sniff, sniff, “Yes.”

“Well who else in the family has had it?”

“Well, I looked back on grandma’s genealogy chart and apparently my great, great somebody or other, I can’t remember exactly, was in a civil war battle and saw the whitish, bluish, yellowish line and was blind within 2 hours!”

Uh, huh. And pop, the trapped care taker, basically isn’t to know about our ‘I could go blind in 2 hours’ conversation? Yeah.

Welcome to my world....

Mood:  not sure

Only six of the many weirdly cool things about me. So get sniggering, folks. Gleds tagged me with this one….

1. I AM DEATHLY AFRAID OF GRASSHOPPERS. I am terrified of the little fuckers I tell you! Ever since one got tangled in my hair when I was a kid—shudder!!! Pop had to cut it out of my hair!!!! I will walk way out of the way to avoid the beady-eyed little bastards!

2. MY THUMBS ARE DOUBLE-JOINTED. Not really useful for anything and far more impressive as a party trick than stuffing my entire fist into my mouth….depending on the audience.

3. I WEEP LIKE A LITTLE BITCH WHENEVER I HEAR ‘YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE’ AND ‘PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON’. And yes, I know the one is a metaphor for drugs…. now. What can I say? I’m a softie for animals, I cry for the dragon outside of the drug context. I used to sing ‘You are my Sunshine’ with my grandfather after Alzheimers took the light of life out of his eyes.

4. I CAN’T FOLLOW SPORTS ON THE RADIO. I am a visual person. I just can’t seem to follow an active sports event on the radio. I can’t visualize the play. I absolutely love hockey, but I can’t follow it on the radio. It annoys me so I don’t like to listen to it.

5. I'M ADDICTED TO BOOKS. Seriously. I am a junkie for the written word. I can get a notice from the library that a book I want is in and I will get all shades of worked up—breathless and psyched. The anticipation before I go pick it up is almost more than I can stand. I jones for new material.

6. I AM A MASTER OF THE ART OF THE SHADOW PUPPET. I am crazy good with the shadow puppets. From the “angry ant” to the “happy bunny”, just give me a flashlight and a dark room and watch me go wild.