Boots!
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Nelly Furtado - Powerless
The other night I'm watching Survivorman and he's stranded in Costa Rica (tough life) when he starts in about the importance of shaking out your boots to make sure no scorpions or other biting crawly things have slithered in overnight.

 

Makes sense to me. We have scorpions out here, it would be logical to shake out my muck boots each morning and make sure nothing nested in them prior to inserting my foot. Yep. Makes sense but will I ever remember to do it? Probably not.

 

So the next morning, I proved myself all too right. Do I remember to shake out my boots? Nope. I blindly stuffed my foot in and started to step down when I suddenly realized that my foot was not alone in my boot as something slithered across my foot!

 

Oh mang! I forgot to shake out my boots and now something's in my fucking boot!!!! It's a scorpion! I know it! I start screaming! "Oh no! No! No! No! No! No mutherfuckingscorpian!!!! NO!NO!NO!" then "Ohshitablackwidow! A brown recluse!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''or something similarly worded as I don't have total recall of the traumatic event at this point.

 

I started hopping around wildly on one leg while trying to rescue my foot by pulling off the infested boot. It was a rather alarmingly realistic impression of a guineapig in a blender when I fell backwards onto the lawn. The boot came free! Hallelujah!!!!!

 

I flung the bug ridden boot over my head away from me and out flew the dreaded insect! I jumped up to get away and of course to see what I narrowly escaped death from, when I saw it! It was the dreaded and ever so deadly ‘do not eat' desiccant silica package that came in the boots when I bought them!!!!

Yeah.

 

On the bright side, no one else saw and I didn't get hurt.

It's All About the Jury Duty....
Mood:  incredulous

"Daddy's a litigator. That's the scariest type of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 to argue with people. But he argues with me for free because I'm his daughter."

- Cher, Clueless (1995)

 

Jury duty! Joy! I hate jury duty! It leaves me feeling totally conflicted! Part of me is SO not wanting to be there! What happens if I get on some horrific endless travesty/O.J.-esque trial of the Century?! The other part of me, junior couch detective/forensics whore, sooooo wants to be picked for some insanely intense case! Yup. Wants to.

 

So anywho, the call of the overcrowded justice system came and I answered.

 

It changed me forever. Seriously. As I looked around the room at the motley assortment of people who had apparently been shaken out of the local trailer park just hours before, all I could think was this was SO not a jury of my peers! All of them mindlessly engaged in the ever thrilling 15 minute DVD presentation of "How Our Judicial System Works" all nodding along and sometimes looking surprised as the content spun out. My peers? I think not! One girl was taking notes during the ‘3 branches of government' portion of the presentation. Hello! You might as well watch the opening to Law & Order! That broad was SO not my peer! Thank God I wasn't actually on trial! I probably would have tried to commit suicide with an Oreo Cakester!

 

My favorite potential jurist of the day was the freak who has set up a fortress on one of the tables in the jury waiting room. There she sat in her Halloween sweatshirt (mind you it was 90 billion degrees here) as we're having a minor heat wave) and her 8 trillion rubber bracelets for a rainbow of causes. I couldn't distinguish them after Breast Cancer (pink), Livestrong (yellow) and Be Green (green, go figure). I had no idea what the other ones were for. There were like 7 of them so perhaps they were the 7 Deadly Sins bracelets-tres popular outside of the Kabbalah movement! She had carefully set up wall of about 15 Sudoku books and a row of carefully lined up pens. Her age was indiscriminate but she had the face of a pissed off platypus--you know, kind of sour and all over the place. Combine it all with her big "BOO!" earrings and her shaved dog's ass hairdo and voila! 5 shades of crazy!

 

We had to fill out our juror forms and this cute little 20-something yute with a faux-hawk didn't bring a writing instrument. He leans over to ask Cause de Jour if he can borrow one of her dozen or so carefully lined up implements. He asked at least 3 times and she ignored him each and every time. He finally leaned over to pick one up and she reared back, all shades of furious, and smacked the crap out of his hand! He fell back apologizing and she went back to her puzzle. He looked over at me and I smiled and said "If you grab one and run, I'll totally block her." To which he cracked up. I gave him my pen and hung with him chatting for the next 3 hours until we were released.

 

I saved faux hawk from the crazy broad so as the video said, Jury Duty in Arizona-Make a Difference! Oh yeah I did!

Current Burning Crushes
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Cream - Badge
  These are a few of my current favorite things...

• The books of S.M. Stirling & Rick Riordan
• Creamland Green Chili Dip
• Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner
• Zents Ore bath salts
• Saulo from Brazil (burning man crush on him)
• Young's Luxury Double Chocolate Stout
• Essey Mademoiselle nail polish
• Lifehouse - Everything

Once Again, Who Are the Freakies in Your Neighborhood?.
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: K T Tunstal
Soooo, recently I had a leetle shin ding at Casa de Megster. Not truly a house warming more like a late open house you know. My peeps came in from all over to attend. Total awesomeness!

 

One of my best friends from college (A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...) flew in from Dallas to attend. I grabbed her at Sky Harbor after arrival and we headed out for some bevs and noshes.

 

Long story short, we hit Rock Bottom Brewery for bar food, hand crafted beers, sports on t.v. and of course, the male of the species. For a chain restaurant, I totally lurve the place! Especially the outdoor patio and the hottie brewmasters but I digress.

 

So we were happily yacking, noshing and quaffing when I totally smack the guy behind me during my rather enthusiastic re-telling of the Edward Black divorce saga.

 

"Dude, seriously! His friends told him she was cheating on him and he didn't believe them! So his best friend had a serious come to Jesus talk with him and convinced him to get a PI. PI catches her and the cabana boy-has ‘em on video mind you-playing Mr. Muggles rides to tuna town. Does everyone have a porn out now? I mean seriously...the Long Island Lolita and her rather skanky and narfy husband and now this?"

 

It was during this rather passionate retelling that I cuffed poor Louis up side the head. In fact, I rather startled the whole table of guys in from Brazil and Argentina for a major corporate conference. So ‘perturbed' were they that they insisted on us joining them and proceeded to buy the beer. So of course, I liked them. Free beer=Good. Very Homeresque I know but oddly enough true!

 

Had a wonderful time talking world views, politics and the Paris Hilton sex tape (see, another one!). Besides my cousin is half Portuguese and worked in Sao Paulo for years and one of the guys, the yummy one Saulo, was from Sao Paulo too. So we have a blast and decide we need to bail home prior to the ‘you're stupid if you drive' level. Well it turned out in the exchange of goodbyes (we did business cards earlier) that poor, sweet smoking hot Saulo will be all alone as the rest of the guys are heading home Friday and he is here through Sunday so I invite him to my fiesta. It's just not American to leave handsome foreigners from acceptable countries to rot away in their hotel rooms when they can come be charming and hot at my house. I am trying to be a social ambassador for America. I have converted thousands....or at least hundreds of America haters. Hey, we're not all that bad. We're cool. You like us. We rock in small liquor fueled groups.

 

My sister completely freaked out when I told her this. She was all shades of "What if he kills us?" I look at her and I'm all shades of  ‘Wiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. babe'? He's a sexy professional in for a conference not an ax murderer. What? He's going to kill everyone at the party? How? Spike the lemonade a la Jim Jones? So just don't drink the punch!

 

So it's the fiesta and I walked out front and saw Saulo pull up. Yep. Still lickably darling and carrying liquor-liked him even more! I went to greet him and he was acting kind of odd.

 

He proceeded to tell me that he got lost and went to the wrong house. He knocked on the door and "A man dressed like the Village People answered."

 

The Village People? Which one?

 

He replied "The cop"

 

Hmmmm...

 

"But you know ahhhh....without the pants." And does the hand gesture for no pants.

 

EEEK! Again, Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?! No, I don't know "without the pants"!!!

 

Funnier yet, Saulo actually asked the partially nekkid faux peace officer if I was around (nice!) The guy said no and told Saulo I was in the same house one street over.

 

I puzzle it over and realize it must be drop dead gorgeous neighbor guy. Seriously. Really scrumptious. We don't speak really as he thinks he's too sexy for his shirt and he's just not that hot but anywho, he's my neighbor. Apparently one who enjoys impersonating a partially clothed member of a 1970s concept disco group at home.

 

Gotta rethink this whole thing now...luscious neighbor guy answering door ½ nekkid bespeaks of something I really don't want to hear about ya' know?

 

I think after the ‘experience', Saulo was a little nervous at my pad prolly wondering if it was the Den of Iniquity (not recently babe) but quickly realized the drinks were cold, the food and folks rocked. He had a blast and fit in fine with the gang and rolled back to Brazil with grand stories of Meg, casa de Megster and my neighbor on 68^th Street with the interesting proclivities....

 

Now I'm wondering what the Hell else the other neighbors are doing behind closed doors? Starting to doubt it's all gardening and ESPN now!

PS-I said young man, you need to put on your pants!

Thought Du Jour
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Waylon Jennings

Have you ever looked back on someone you once dated and thought ‘Thank God the only thing I caught from him was Athlete’s Foot?’

The Tale of a Toy Hyena
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Blaqk Audio - Stiff Kittens
Saturday I'm ‘happily' shoveling horse poop when my hilarious neighbor Khrystal comes tooling down the alley with her latest rescue dog-a big Great Dane/black stranger mix. Now see, she puts me to shame. She has 5 dogs, 5 horses, goats, turtles and an emu-all rescues. I'm down to 2 dogs, 2 cats, 8 goldfish (RIP Spike and Mr. Benson) and a horse. Sounds much more manageable now doesn't it mom....but I digress. To fill you in on Khrys, she's hilarious! This is my neighbor most likely to be playing King of the Mountain for beer and bragging rights across the street on the neighbor's fill dirt pile. Yep. My type of neighbor-a totally cool chick.

So I ask Khrys how her menagerie is and she tells me she took her dog Becker to the Biltmore Fashion Square. The Biltmore, as it's referred to, is old school shopping and pet friendly to the socialites and soccer moms who frequent it. High end shops with lush gardenlike surroundings. A wonderful spot to window shop, day dream, hit Victoria's Secret, etc. The Biltmore is totally the place to see snotty rich broads with their carry bag dogs-AKA animessories (you know, they're animals-they're accessories).

This is not the place you bring your mutt dog that resembles the bastard offspring of a Chinese Crested naked dog and a bag of dried out winter mulch. Seriously.  While Becker is the nicest little dog you'd ever want to meet in a dark alley, he also is one of the ugliest damn dogs I've ever seen. Ever. And I once saw a dog that looked like a cross between a bat and a Brillo pad. Again, seriously.

So there sat Khrys and Becker on a grassy patch when 3 older carefully Botoxed Wisteria Lane kind of gals came up to her just fluttering over Becker.

Blonde 1:  What kind of dog is that?!

Khrys: He's a toy hyena.

Blonde 2: Really?! I've heard of those. Isn't the waiting list for one 5 years?

Khrys is acting all shades of conspiratorial now like she's telling them a major secret. She lowers her voice, leans in and whispers "Actually, I bought him on eBay and smuggled him in through Mexico." Looks all around like she's making sure no one was listening.

Blonde 3: I think that's how a gal at my club got hers! Or did she come in through Canada?

Blonde 2: What's his name?

Khrys: Sir Beckawalla Prime

Blonde 3: Oh my!

Khrys: It's his registered African name. We just call him Becker.

Blonde 1: Do Toy Hyenas bark much?

Khrys: Oh no! In fact they don't bark at all. They....yodel.

Blondes 1 & 3: Really!?

Blonde 2: I've heard that!

Khrys: Yep, really. Toy Hyenas are yodeling all over Africa as we speak. (Flings her arm out in a wide arc for drama)

Bynow, Becker realizes he's got a great thing going. All 3 of these women are making kissy sounds and petting him. He decides to further explore his relationship with Blonde 1 by wrapping his front legs around her in a dog hug.

Blonde 1: Oh look! He's hugging me!

Khrys: Oh yeah. Toy hyenas are known for hugging. Total huggers!

Blonde 2: I've heard that.

Khrys: Yep, all over Africa wild Toy Hyenas are yodeling and hugging and just happily living their furry lives roaming across the savannahs.

At that point, Khrys said she could no longer keep up the façade of the Toy Hyena and made excuses and kissy sounds and took off muttering to herself-Yeah-Toy Hyenas yodeling and hugging....

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when these gals tell others and it becomes an urban legend or worse yet, reality, ‘cuz people are really that stupid. Toy Hyenas!

 

You may be laughing now, but mark my words-they're coming!

Current Crushes
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Paramour - Misery Business
 Here's what I'm totally in lurve with....for now.

• Reaper
• The Spiderwick Chronicles
• Sage Derby cheese
• Booth's Walnut Skin Conditioner
• Incubus Oil & Water
• Calvin Klein Euphoria
• Root Ginger Patchouli candles
• Odwalla carrot juice
• Fall evenings
• Last One Standing

Dream Lurver AKA Ode to Mike Rowe
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Fat Boy Slim
Ever since college, the epitome of my perfect dream man has been Howie Long. Some would say my standards must be low but he's smart, funny, charming, classy, a great dad, a great husband, big, and seriously easy on the eyes. Those are just the salient high points. Howie has been the standard by which the mortal man is measured. No wonder I'm single....right?

So anywho, lately I've been rethinking the perfect man for me and it's changed. It's changed to Mike Rowe. Who would have thunk it? Seriously. I find myself getting sucked in to every episode of ‘Dirty Jobs' that I come across just to watch him in action. He's like an improved 21^st Century Howie Long with a snarky edge that is soooooo uber sexy. What can I say? I am a lexophile. I love words and reading. So a man with a firm grasp on an exceptional vocabulary and hilarious to boot is beyond yummy.

My top ten reasons why Mike Rowe is a golden god.

1. He uses the word ‘acumen' with well, acumen
2. He can find the humor in any situation which comes in handy whilst firmly grasping an artificial horse vagina
3. He is never at a loss for words or if he is, he sure can pull it off
4. Killer blue eyes that water easily when confronted with pig slop
5. The ability to make a fart joke with his arm in a cow's ass
6. He makes road kill sexy
7. That smile
8. Intelligent, yet dirty
9. Oh the places he puts his hands
10. Pigs

Move on over Howie, there's a new sheriff in town!

POST SCRIPT: Deb hates this pic. I like this pic. He looks like someone just snapped his naked ass with a twisted towel. I like that look.

How's this Deb? Better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dirty and STILL  hot!

Randomness
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Psychedelic Furs

I believe there is an art and a science to pancakes and that I have mastered neither.

 

Riddle me this: Why is the NFL Super Bowl championship win referred to as ‘World Championship’? Huh?! Everywhere else in the world football is soccer.

 

Why on earth are berets coming back into style?! What spastic hillbilly decided that those hideous woolen head doilies should be exhumed?! Didn’t we have enough exposure to berets with Monica (slurp, slurp-great cigar) Lewinsky? Let’s just leave the lame beret wearing to the French as it should be in the natural order of things.

 

 

If you haven’t seen it, rent Hot Fuzz. If you liked Shaun of the Dead (and really, who didn’t?!) you’ll dig it. Very clever....in an in your face subtle way.

 

My perfect man: Aidan Shaw

For Love of a Care Bear
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: XTC
So my cousin's having her annual Halloween party at the renovated rectory she and her husband lovingly restored. Super cool pad to say the least. All the original stained glass windows and doors, hand carved newel posts, painted wainscoting, and a bar in the front vestibule. Ok, so they added that little golden feature recently....

Anywho, I'm totally down for the party and making plans to attend when I figured I'd check in with my friend Josh and see if he wanted to meet me there as IN to OH is but a hop, skip and a jump. We're yakking away and I start to invite him when....

Me: Soooo, I got the invite to my cousin's Halloween party in OH.

Josh: Reals? So are you asking me to go or what?

Me: I don't know. How do you look in a Care Bear outfit?

Josh: What the f*ck? A Care Bear? Seriously?

Me: Yup-A Care Bear. Can you pull it off or should I be busily looking elsewhere for my arm candy?

Josh: Well, what are you going as?

Me: Skeletor.

Josh: Are you shitting me?

Me: Totally but wouldn't you laugh your ass off if you were at a Halloween party and you saw a couple with the dude dressed as a Care Bear and the chick as Skeletor?!

Josh: Chick, you are crazy!

Hmmmmm. So I'm guessing that I should probably return the Grumpy Care Bear outfit then....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grumpy Care Bear and Skeletor sitting in a tree....K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First came love....hey now, they're both consenting blue adult creatures.

My Eyes! My Eyes! It Burns! It Burns!
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: All American Rejects

Who thought this was a good idea?

I could have happily lived the rest of my life without ever having seen that!

Jesus Hands
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Finger 11

So as you know, my sister brought Ginger the Chihuahua (AKA Lazarus) back to life. For reals. Well now my sister is claiming that she didn't give Lazarus mouth to snout but instead waved her hands over Lazarus's chest and SHAZAM! She was alive again! It's a miracle!

Now, when my sister informed me of this I just started howling! I was all shades of "Uh, well ok then Jesus Hands!" She says "Jesus Hands?" So I show her. "These are Jazz hands (I flap my hands like Just Jack 2000) and these (I gracefully wave my hands around in a kind of bastardized Catholic hand gesture) are Jesus hands."

So the big joke now is my sister's Jesus Hands.

Last week, I'm in Ross. Love, love, love that store and how can I not when it has shopping carts!?! I think EVERY store should have carts! Can you even imagine? Strolling down the aisles of Checker Auto Parts with a cart....the aisles of See's Candies....the aisles of Fascinations....but I digress. Anywho, I am meandering through the housewares when I spot it. Dun-dun-duh! Sitting on the shelf is the most insanely hilarious gift for my sister. I snatch it up riveted and yet horrified. In my hands? A pair of creepy flesh colored miniature hands are holding a snowglobe and not just any snowglobe. It's Jesus! Jesus in a snowglobe with outstretched arms apparently beseeching me to let him out of his iridescent glitter infused prison. Yes, glitter....with Jesus....in a snowglobe.

I was ALL shades of "WAHOO"-gag gift! I toss it into the basket and make my way to the checkout.

The gal is ringing me up. I'm completely space monkeying out and thinking about how Kathy D-list Griffin's voice sounds like like a Yeti being put through a wood chipper when I hear "Oh! Mira! Mira! Es Jesus Cristo!" "Oh, Dios mio!" and a whole bunch of other non- my native language murmurings.  I turn to see this whole Mexican family staring in awe at me. Hmmmm. That's odd. At me? Then the mom/grandmother/tia whatevs reaches over and pats me on the wrist while pointing to the Bubble Boy Jesus I'm buying and says "Es be-autiful."

Ok, I feel like a total jerk! Asshole extraordinaire! Here I am buying a Jesus gag gift. What kind of person am I anyway? Here I am making fun of a snowglobe that they obviously consider a religious artifact.

Wait a minute! We're talking a snowglobe here! A glittery snowglobe where Jesus apparently is being held against his will or so his blatant attempts at miming a wall seem to say. I think there's an out clause on this one. I mean really there is a line in the sand between respectful religious icons and things that cross that line over to the Buddy Jesus action figure side of the road.

I started getting a little pissy then. I mean really where does it end? I can't make fun of the Hand of Jesus Backscratcher, the Jesus Toothpickholder, the Jesus Skoal Holder or the Jesus Master Blaster squirt gun?

And where was this atrocity made? China. Only China would think a Jesus snowglobe was a good idea....

Shake, shake, shake....shake, shake, shake....shake your Jesus! Shake your Jesus!

Things I realized over the weekend....
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Fall Out Boy

• S'mores could be one of those ‘Nectar of the Gods' foods....but then again so could funnel cakes.

• Stereotypes oh so firmly on the shelf, I still do not get the whole Brigitte Neilson/ Flava Flav hookup. Talk about your train wreck! Makes Brittney Spears look normal!

• If my mom says "Well, we wouldn't want that would we?" I IMMEDIATELY want "that"-- no matter what "that" is.

• There is no socially redeeming value to "Who's the Boss?"

• Vin Diesel used to be so unbelievably smoking hot. ‘Used to be' being the correct verb tense there....

WannaScream is in the House?.Although Not On Your Approved Buddy List
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: John Mayer
WannaScream: There you are! I miss you hotstuff!

WannaScream: Hullo? Why you no answer? You keep me hanging onnnnnnnnnnn (singing!)

Nutmeg: Hey babe! Sorry--on the phone with my sis....

WannaScream: It's kewl-wassup?

Nutmeg: My parents are going to her pad tomorrow and she's hit ‘beyond stress" level. Kind of like Terror Alert level Orange where you are just running around like a chicken with your head cut off-as in you know you're screwed but you keep moving anyway....hope for the best-prepare for the worst and all that jazz.

WannaScream: Ooooooooohhhh a visit from the folks! Hide the sex toys the parents are coming!

Nutmeg: Nice play on words there babe....

WannaScream: I thought so, but then again sometimes I am far funnier than you seem to think I am...

Nutmeg: Bwah! Ha! Ha! Evile laugh!

WannaScream: Evile! No no no!!!!!!!!!!! Not the evile laugh! I'm in deep shit now!

Nutmeg: Chu know it mang! You dead jeffe!

WannaScream: I need to download real messenger while I'm chatting to you so I can chat with you in a regular window.

Nutmeg: You're irregular? So sad :( Quelle horror! Aye que lastima! And other assorted appropriate foreign language terms!

WannaScream: oh no no no, regular as all get out in that area, lol. A meal in, a meal out I always say

WannaScream: I know, TMI, but you brought it up

Nutmeg: Wow! Now that's wisdom! I had NO idea you were so wise! When is your help book being published?

WannaScream: ;>) You velly, velly silly there honey

Nutmeg: And could you be more specific? You seemed to stop just short of describing the active state of your colon....<shudder>

WannaScream: I don't even need that new yogurt shit they're pushin on tv!

Nutmeg: I was unaware of ‘that new yogurt shit'--have you ever thought of joining the ever expanding and oh so lucrative field of marketing cuz I am seriously sold now on ‘that new yogurt shit'!

WannaScream: Well now, I have been told at least several times that I can be a bit persuasive....

Nutmeg: Oh tell it to me Magic Man! He's the Magic Man....

Nutmeg: Sing it with me bitch!

WannaScream: He's a magic man mama....Ok just slit my throat now! Felt like I was driving a TiTi and wearing cashmere tube socks for a moment there!

Nutmeg: Ya' think?!

WannaScream: No, I don't think very often....it hurts too much and I tend to set off the smoke detectors.

WannaScream: The new beta messenger is kinda cool

Nutmeg: I just don't like that the person you are talking to can save all of the messages

WannaScream: You should always save the messages. Yahoo has always had an archive setting.

Nutmeg: Yeah. Just not big on the saving the messages. Sometimes they're funny enough but I'm always thinking blackmail as I am 12 shades of paranoid that way.

WannaScream: Blackmail me all you want - I got nothin you'd wanna take!

Nutmeg: LOL--I want yer Black Sabbath CD and the rest of your shampooooooo!

WannaScream: Well I might mourn the loss of the shampoo.....but I'll just burn a copy of the Sabbath cd before you take it so we're all good, LMFAO!

Nutmeg: Damn! I'd better be more nefarious in my choices!

Nutmeg: Ok- I'll take that bag of m & m's and your last pair of clean tubesocks!

WannaScream: Oh, well shit, I was gonna wear those socks tomorrow too! Looks like I'd better get on some laundry tonight....LOL

Nutmeg: I said give me your tube socks bitch!

WannaScream: Air Mail or Parcel Post? Cuz you're being all grabby hands and stuff so I don't want you in my pad-I don't want to have to go all shades of ‘human weapon' on your ass when you try to take my Killer Clowns From Outer Space DVD...again!

Just another day on IM....

Randomness on a Friday
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Portishead

I can't look at this picture without chuckling....but giggling fat men do that to me.

Big Words
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Soul Coughing

 

What can I say? You want me to admit I'm hooked? Fine. I am. I am a full on literary addict. Completely and utterly fanatic about reading. Might as well face it.... I'm addicted to words....(admit it--you're imagining big red lipped chicks in black swaying to the music right now....)

Does my heart trip and catch at the thought of indulging in the latest Jasper Fford ‘Thursday Next' novel? Oh yeah it does!

When I check my email and see a notice from the Phoenix Public Library that my books are in, do I get a thrill similar to that first cold beer you chug down after a long day of hot sweaty yard work? Unbelievably so!

I am a word junky and I really, really like the big words. You know the ones. Everyone has one or two that they casually drop into random conversation.

One of my favs is digerati. As in "My neighbor Dave works for Mac Business Solutions-he is such the digerati!" (digerati-computer technology expert-basically a computer geek) Wow, do I sound intelligent or what?! ‘Zactly!

So I have a coworker, AKA The Pig Whisperer (a long and hilarious tale for some other time) who is really well spoken. Seriously. He has a rapier wit and the effortless ability to drop in the big words. Hilariously enough, I always find myself having to comment on these gems to him.

So there we are in our boss's office chatting about an upcoming event.

TPW: Well the problem that I see inherent to this course of action would be the predilection of those involved to indulge in their voracious..."

I can't help it---I interrupt.

"Predilection? Nice! Love that word!"

TWP: "Isn't it though?"

"It's like plethora. Just fun to say!"

TWP: "Oh yeah-how about erudite?"

 "Love it! I totally love multi-syllabic words!"

At this point our bemused boss who has just been half listening to us and, yet, laughing at us, says "What? MultiSlavic? Many Slavs? What?"

TWP and I started cracking up!  Knowing he misheard me, I repeat "multi-syllabic."

To which he cracks up saying "I was wondering...lots of Slavic folks?"

Like I'm Dan Quayle or something. Thanks chief!

So a few more ‘big' words that I totally lurve....

Clavicle

Didactic

Cacophony

Transmogrifying

Intarsia

Viscosity

Skirmish

Formulaic

Recumbent

Abscond

Proboscis

Ordnance

Perforated

Requiem

And the nice thing? I know how to pronounce them unlike in 5^th grade when I was talking to mom and I popped out with this nugget.

"Well mom, you knew that Louis Vuitton bag that broad was hocking was totally pseudo!"

Here I am, in 5^th grade, dropping a full on high school word on my unsuspecting mom. It could have been amazing. Yep, could have been had I pronounced it anywhere near correctly.

Mom: "Puh-Suede-O? It's made out of suede?"

"No, you know mom, it's fake, imitation, counterfeit, pretend..."

Mom: "Uh honey, that would be pronounced ‘sue dough'."

 

What can I say? I've come a long way...

Post Script (P.S.)
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: The Best of Duran Duran

Funnily enough, I was checking Meg-O-Rama's stats the other day and there was actually a Google search out of South Africa for "the f-spot"....

Hmmm....sure hope whoever was looking for the online photo library known as F-Spot or some women in South Africa might want to start running now....

It's a Beautiful Day in the F'ing Neighborhood
Mood:  mischievious
So apparently the powers that be are adding some lovely new addendums to our employee manual. The first of which is "no foul language" WTF?! Are you kidding me? I am soooooooooooooo screwed! Actually my assistant Anne, our controller Joy and another employee--all broads from New York--are more screwed as they are the queens of the f-bombers!

We've decided to take a lesson from the Bud Light commercial and start a cussing jar--all proceeds to be used to furnish alcohol in some form or another.

So far? Not working real well. I seem to be the only person contributing. Well, me and our graphic artist who doesn't even swear but he is all about the purchase of alcohol for consumption.

The other day Anne, Joy and I were reviewing a report in Anne's office. Another coworker of ours walked by and said "Oh look, it's the Bermuda Triangle." We laughed and then as he walked by, Joy said "The f-girls you mean" to which we all started laughing.

I was all shades of worried that he would think we were laughing at him so later when I saw him walk by Anne's office, I stopped him and told him that we had laughed about calling ourselves the ‘f-girls'. He laughed and I could tell he still didn't get what we were talking about. So I explained the new anti-swearing regs and that we referred to ourselves as the ‘f-girls' because of the amount of f-bombs in our language.

He started laughing and said "Oh, I thought you meant some weird gynecological thing."

Anne and I looked at each other....huh?

He said "You know like the f-spot. I learned about the f-spot 3 years ago..."

WTF? The f-spot?

I looked at him and said "The f-spot? Do you mean a five spot? A five dollar bill?"

"No" he said, "You know....THE f-spot"

I said "I think you mean the g-spot because I'm pretty sure that the f-spot is a few inches further back and most chicks just aren't into it."

We all looked at each other and started cracking up!

Then Anne says "Why is it called the g-spot anyway?"

He replied "It was named for Doctor Gräfenberg who found it."

I said "Good thing Doctor Heimlich didn't discover it."

And he said "Yeah because then women would be losing it on the table."

"More likely on the floor....directional gravity and all that you know" I said.

 

Yeah, swearing is the main amendment we needed to make to the employee manual. They probably would have been better off to have added in an expert opinion from the Sexual Harassment Panda....

In Search of the Hualapai Principalship
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Silversun Pickups

So I got this email from Deb today-

Meg,

Where the Hell have you been!?!

I thought you might find this as amusing as we did! Hard to believe my sons' school can't keep a principal for long. I think if Jesus himself applied for this position he wouldn't have adequate character for these stupid fucking parents!

Deb

Attached was the following:

TO HUALAPAI PARENTS:

Based on last week's meeting and other input, the attached list of characteristics desired for the new Hualapai Principal has been compiled.

Input from Site Council and Staff

May 9, 2007

Hualapai Principalship

Liz Montoya met with the Hualapai Site Council, staff and parents to gather input regarding the characteristics desired in a new principal. The following areas were identified:

Hualapai Principal Characteristics

• Mentor all teachers, especially new teachers
• Models different instructional styles and strategies
• Has teaching experience
• Reliable (keeps appointments)
• Punctual
• Organized
• Understands and able to utilize technology
• Facilitator
• Flexible
• Professional
• Actively participates in the classroom
• Actively participate as a member of the community
• Personable/friendly
• Open door policy
• Able to represent the school's interests and all of the school's populations
• Fearless
• Honesty
• Integrity
• Supports and respects the classified staff
• Creates an integrated staff community
• Knows all students (names, personally)
• Gathers input before making changes
• Broad thinker; visionary
• Understands the educational culture of the school
• Understands the mission of the school
• Guides the school forward in its mission
• Holds self and others accountable
• Effectively communicates with parents
• Firm but fair
• Listens to concerns
• Decisions made with focus on students' best interests
• Presence commands respect
• Willing to take a stand on behalf of the school
• Advocate and voice for the school
• Understands shared decision making
• Sense of humor
• Problem solver
• Takes action
• Understands budgets and funding
• Decisive
• Follow through
• Works with parents to implement supplemental educational programs
• Support, model and add creative input to prevention program
• Listens and supports teachers and parents with regard to student placement
• Ability to evaluate teaching talents
• Skilled at hiring teachers
• Commitment and longevity to Hualapai
• Supports different educational programs (i.e. uniforms)
• Supports special area programs
• Offers consistency

Are you kidding me? I mean, really, visionary??? How much of a visionary do you have to be to tell some first grader that it might not be in his/her best interest to eat paste!?!

Because I was bored and wishing I was at home swilling a cold beer or at the worst painting my kitchen, following is my response to Deb and my revised list of Hualapai Principalship characteristics.

Deb-

I have been AWOL in DC-I'll fill you in on the high and low lights of my trip later-but as I stole soda from the Cannon House Office Building and commandeered a bus, my work there is done!

If this makes it's way around the Internet and onto the Ellen Show I deny all culpability and whatever other lawyer jargon I don't really understand but like to throw around cause Latin's sooooo sexay!!!

Smooches-Meg

Input from Site Council and Staff

May 9, 2007

Hualapai Principalship

Liz Montoya met with the Hualapai Site Council, staff and parents to gather input regarding the characteristics desired in a new principal. Every possible area known to man and some unknown to man apparently were identified:

Hualapai Principal Characteristics

• Mentor all teachers, especially new teachers, and especially new teachers who are overly inept or needy
• Models different instructional styles and strategies as well as Spring's latest fashions from Target
• Has teaching experience in the broader sense of the term as in "has come into contact with" sort of like a politician has political experience
• Reliable (keeps appointments) as opposed to the unreliable principals we all had growing up who ditched appointments for the uber important Mickey Mantle breakfast of champions
• Punctual or at least aware that the shiny pretty strapped to his/her arm can in fact miraculously tell the time
• XRay vision or Buns of Steel
• Organized to the point of anal retentive/adult OCD and proud of it!
• Understands and able to utilize technology or has the intelligence to outsource Hualapai's needs to India like every other company in the US
• Facilitator skills similar to those of the ever so accomplished United Nations
• Flexible as a slinky or at least as flexible as Mr. Fantastic
• Professional, as opposed to amateur, which really only helps in porn and lesbianism
• Actively participates in the classroom without utilizing hand puppets
• Actively participates as a member of the community while actively utilizing hand puppets
• Personable/friendly like the average Yellow Lab but not as much as say a Golden Retriever
• Open door policy as long as everyone has their clothes on
• Able to represent the school's interests and all of the school's populations--animal, vegetable and mineral--with the greatest of ease. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's the Principalship!
• Fearless like a non-flyer on Xanax!
• Honesty because although it's the best policy, we just don't always adhere to it now do we kids?
• Integrity better than that of a Firestone Tire on an SUV going 60pmh
• Supports and respects the classified staff and is humorless and browbeats the unclassified staff
• Creates an integrated staff community-Kum-Ba-Yah you bastards!
• Knows all students (names, personally) just not in the biblical sense
• Gathers input before making changes from the idiots who put together the characteristics of Jesus, A Principalship
• Broad thinker; visionary who doesn't act until he/she gathers input from a multitude of time wasting and unproductive meetings
• Understands the educational culture of the school is similar to that of a cesspool or an early 14^th Century peat bog
• Understands the mission of the school AKA Get these kids to pass the AMES test and get the Hell out of here before puberty!
• Guides the school forward in its mission, which mission we're really not sure as our parents have come up with several. We have no clear vision statement. Perhaps we should have another round of meetings and...
• Holds self and others accountable as we hold the fast food industry accountable for making us all fat!
• Effectively communicates with parents using small words and diagrams as necessary
• Firm but fair...like most men like their blondes
• Listens to concerns or at least appears to by making the serious face
• Decisions made with focus on students' best interests because lunch is the most important meal of the day
• Presence commands respect or at least requests it
• Willing to take a stand on behalf of the school at every Suns, Diamondbacks, Coyotes, etc. games if free tickets are provided
• Advocate and voice for the school because Elvis impersonators have a commanding presense!
• Understands shared decision making READ AS: parents will be making the decisions for you figurehead person
• Sense of humor necessary to deal with parents as is the ability to competitively Rock-Paper-Scissor for dominance
• Problem solver and avid Word Jumble proponent
• Takes action-What Would Jesus Do?
• Understands budgets and funding and the fact that the school district just won't be seeing any extra money with the English Only and No Child Left Behind provisions. You and your sister will just have to share that pencil bitches!
• Decisive like the new Immigration reform bill
• Follow through especially in his/her softball pitch
• Works with parents to implement supplemental educational programs like underwater basket weaving, making real menudo, how to de-pill performance fleece and deciphering old Russian proverbs
• Support, model and add creative input to prevention program in order to prevent all preventable...ah, things
• Able to build small scale suspension bridges out of Chiclets and toothpicks...blindfolded!
• Listens and supports teachers and parents with regard to student placement during fire drills
• Ability to evaluate teaching talents and those who should move on to Deal or No Deal
• Skilled at hiring teachers for low, low wages
• Commitment and longevity to Hualapai Middle School barring fatal disease, chronic illness or being hit by a public bus
• Supports different educational programs (i.e. uniforms) such as putting the ‘tards into plastic bubble suits
• Supports special area programs around Uranus
• Offers consistency and viscosity
• The ability to turn water into wine (see above)

Maybe if they go with my list they'll manage to keep a principal longer than a year!

Adieu MySpace!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Amy Winehouse

It was with a heavy heart and great sadness that I bid a fond farewell to my MySpace page-NOT! Enough was enough! What a freakshow and not in the good pin head, fat lady, dog boy, retire to Gibbstown freakshow kind of way!

At first it was all shades of fun. You know-meeting new peeps, Internet flirting with sexy men living several states away, reading blogs, changing up my page and theme song and then....eh, not so much. 

First it was the endless Internet porn/nudie chick invites. You know the ones "Hey, MySpace won't let me put up my naked pics so go to my other page at http://www.brittney69hotsex.net/ to see them." MySpace won't let you put your naked pictures up? Are you kidding me? Have you looked around chick? It's not nicknamed ‘Naked Space' for nothing! Your pictures must show you engaging in seriously nasty relations with an artificial fist wielded by a blindfolded Nixon hand puppet in order for MySpace to ban them! 

Then it was the SPAMMER freaks who ask to be added as a friend over and over and over. Their entire page was a complete advertisement for some random thing crappy thing I don't want or need-like phone cards, Abercrombie & Fitch (at least that one had hotties on it), free phone rings, etc. Between my work and personal emails, I get a mind numbing amount of SPAM email! I am SO not willingly opting in for more! 

Finally, all of the wanna be lotharios! I really believe now that everyone on MySpace is completely full of shit! It's beyond interesting when someone is trying desperately to meet you in person and yet, won't answer a single harmless question that isn't already posted on his page. Even more interesting is when they turn on the smarmy factor to try to weasel out of answering anything.

ME: So what did you do last weekend?

LOTHARIO: Quebec reminds me of you....the way the rain makes the cobblestones shiny....like your deep brown eyes....limpid pools that I could fall into....

ME: Oh, so you were in Quebec over the weekend?

LOTHARIO: Your smile....your lips....they remind me of mild salsa from El Rancho....

ME: Uh.... Does that mean you weren't in Quebec? 

In this day and age, I'm not meeting up with some random guy from the Internet without at least having a last name and Googling him. Oh come on-we ALL do it! In my ‘stalked often' experience, my first thought is if you are withholding minor basic information from me that you are, without a doubt, an axe murderer or worse....a Democrat! Kidding! Worse as in "....with fava beans and a nice chianti" worse. 

If I was trolling for a serious relationship, it would never be on MySpace! Overall, just nasty! Might as well hit the ‘Causual Encounters' area of Craigslist. (If you've never checked it out-it's beyond foul and yet, much like a car accident, you just can't tear yourself away!)  

Don't get me wrong-I did meet some super cool folks online and it was fun while it was....well, fun but I'm done.