Mood:  hug me

ARGH!

It never fails! Whenever I get overly stressed (usually when I fly but recently a daily event), I tend to get sick. Makes sense as my immune system takes a header and BOOM! Down I go hard like I’ve tripped over a squirming dog or a corner of the rug which is an all too regular occurrence.

So long and short of it, I should have seen this coming but no, of course not! I am feeling like warmed over arse times three.…hundred kabillion or so. Been on the couch or in bed all day. Feeling all shades of achy and alternating between chills and sweats. Pounding headache and an overall weakness like Hillary Clinton's campaign. Good times I tell you!

So I sent out mayday and distress signals and the Civil Flu Patrol responded, swooping in with Gatorade, Naked Green Machine juice, ice cream and beer. All equally important components to my recovery.

Worst part? It just had to happen over a 3-day holiday weekend! Had to! So much for sneaking off to the lake house this weekend for some s’mores and drunken shenanigans to blow off some stress..

Sigh! On the bright side, I’ll catch up on some much needed sleep….speaking of which I’ve been sitting up typing this and am alllll shades of space monkey now. Need to be horizontal and fast….back to the bat cave!

Mood:  on fire

Time to take a stand. Enough is enough. I’ve never been a stressy person. I’ve always been don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff. Live and let live. Kum-fucking-by-ya, etc. I’m abnormally happy by nature. It’s all good. Do unto others. Golden fucking Rule. Do no harm. Blah, blah, blah.

Last fall I decided to quit smoking and make some other life changes. Work out more. Eat better. Travel more--I have a timeshare that I can use anywhere in the world and I haven’t had the time to use it in years. Spend more time with friends and family. Volunteer again. Create more art. Blog more. Lots of things.

Everything started out with a bang this year! All amazing! WOOHOO!!! Then major work stress, the unbelievable and heartbreaking betrayal by a close friend and co-worker, and then more and more and more piled on and on and on. I started not being able to sleep, getting nauseous, heart palpitations, constant migraines, sky high blood pressure, and all kinds of other fun shit.

So I’ve been fighting general anxiety disorder AKA massive stress for the last few months. I thought I was making strides forward and then BAM! Another major betrayal and heartbreak. Nothing like being kicked when you are already down. Especially when you apparently lack the coping skills to deal with it all as you have always been the happy go-lucky silly easygoing goofball.

So here I sit, wanting desperately to go buy a pack of smokes for the first time in more than 6 months and you know what? I’ve decided to take a lesson from my complete and utter freakout Friday at the local quickie mart.

I was on my way to the quickie mart for some beer (go figure) when I saw some fucktard in a Cavalier try to repeatedly run down a motorcyclist for no apparent reason. I watched him dog this guy on the BMW bike even tapping his tire at one point all while the biker tried desperately to get away in rather heavy traffic. The biker came close to wiping out and I just knew that the fucktard in the car was going to kill him if it didn’t stop.

The biker pulled into the quickie mart, so did the fucktard and me. The biker jumped off his bike and was standing there with his hands in the air when fucktard jumped out of his car with a collapsible baton. I had pulled in after them and I completely flipped out when I saw the fucktard advancing on the biker with the weapon. Who the fuck carries a collapsible baton in his car? Exactly! So I slammed my car into park and jumped out screaming “Do we have a fucking problem here?” Both guys were so startled that they turned to look at me. I started marching up, pepper spray in hand literally screaming at the top of my lungs “I have no fucking problem pepper spraying you and then running your fucking ass over so I suggest that you get your fucking ass back into your fucking car and get the fuck out of here. Now.” Both of them just stood there staring at me for a minute then fucktard apparently thought better of going up against years of my non-violent and non-aggressive tendencies and left. I asked biker guy (50 something executive looking guy) if he was okay. He said he was scared shiteless the guy was going to kill him and thanked me for what I did. I said “Be safe out there” and proceeded in to buy beer, really not giving it another thought. Don't ask me why I didn't just call 9-1-1 or why I went all shades of Dirty Harry. I really don't know.

Let’s just say everyone who heard that story, including my doctor, has stared at me in disbelief that I, Megan, actually did that. To say it’s completely out of character for me is a massive understatement. I can’t remember the last time I even raised my voice to another person. My ex-husband was a screamer and my attitude is there is no reason to raise your voice to me in order to get your point across.

So the lesson I’m taking from my extremely bizarre outburst is to just say fuck all you fucking fucks! I’m done. Enough is enough.

Hopefully this will be my last ranty bit for a while and I'll get back to the inane random silliness you all enjoy for some bizarre reason.

Mood:  cool

This needs some back story to really set the mood: My sig-o, AKA girlfriend Neeqs, has always dreamed of the golden utopia that is, to her, Canada. Socialized medicine, a government that REALLY cares, not to mention legal gay marriage.

Over the years, she has built up this idea that Canada is the perfect place to live kind of like the Land of Oz. Seriously. She has a shelf filled with books on the many and varied wonders of Canada; as well as an arm band tattoo of poorly drawn rather anemic maple leaves that kind of resemble bird tracks. I love her to death, don’t get me wrong, but somewhere one must find reality in his/her idea of utopia. I once found mine for 3 hours on a broken down San Francisco Muni train while in an underground tunnel….uh, nevermind.

So Neeqs also is a very politically correct uber liberal D. She drives a Prius, votes a straight (pun intended) gay Democratic ticket, does yoga, refuses to shop at Walmart or JC Penny and also is a vegetarian. Again, we are quite different, as I loved my Dodge half ton truck more than my sister (sorry Meg), I shop wherever paper towels are cheapest and I love meat. In spite of our differences, we have found a life together that works very well.

She had been in grad school for about a year and a half and graduation was upon us. She was getting her advanced degree in some sort of super secret digerati-hi-tech-info-security-dealybob from some university back East. Basically, she knows how to keep wireless networks secure and is a triple black belt Yoda jedi master of email and other assorted technologies. I, on the other hand, know how to lock myself out of the house and can write a fairly legible letter.

She decided to combine her trip for graduation with a trip to the Heaven on Earth that is Toronto to meet an online chat buddy. I just smiled and said, “Wow, sounds like fun! No, you go ahead; I’ll just meet you for graduation”. Mind you, said chat buddy is an aspiring female boxer, who hangs around with other boxers who are apparently big time sadomasochists and like to beat on each other both in, and out, of the ring. But, much like my sister, I digress….

So, off she heads to glorious Toronto and all goes according to her blissful master plan! There is a Starbucks close to her downtown Marriott, just off of the gay district! Everything is soooo clean and wonderful! Utopia! Yeah, right!

Neeqs' last night was spent at a house party where one of the guests decided that she wanted to be spanked. And it’s one of the boxers. Oh, and she wants to be spanked….sans pants….in mixed company READ: gay and straight girls. Having experienced the sublime and decadent offerings of San Francisco in my oh so very unholy younger years, I know that one does not usually indulge in nude spanking at a rather low key house party. In a sex club, yes. Not at a house party.

I found this out from a call….

“Hey”

“Hey, yourself. So, how’s the party going?”

“Well, Nadia is being spanked in one room while the other boxers all stand around watching and cheering. The straight and the African American gay women are all horrified and are camped out in the other room.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m hiding in the kitchen and trying not to listen. I’m tired, I don’t know how to get to my hotel and I have a 40 minute connection in O’Hare tomorrow.”

I was trying soooo hard not to laugh. Mind you, she booked her own tickets and gave herself just 40 minutes to make an international connection….at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Yeah, exactly.

I decided not to be bossy just and instead, just lovingly reminded her to get to the airport early and let them know of her connection. Not wanting to be a nagging harpy, I left out the usual airline brat voice of experience reminder to take a change of clothes, the toiletries from the hotel and something to sleep in, just in case, part. I should have been a nag.

After several more hours of the ‘spanking the boxer’ show, she finally gets back to her hotel at 3 am.

NOTE: Amazingly, after that trip, Canada is now no longer the liberal and oh so PC Disneyland of the North AKA the magic land of rainbow skies, endless happiness, rivers of chocolate, equal rights for all and flying pink ponies. Apparently, it has funny smells, the people are indifferent, it’s too humid, the winters are too cold and Toronto is just too big….” (Whew! I dodged a bullet and having to learn the words to O Canada with that one!)

And so we proceed to graduation. Cue dramatic music….

I got my morning call and other than being really tired, all was well. She’d checked in and let Air Canada know about the connection issues. They assured her that her bags would make it and she has decided that all she needs to take with her is her laptop bag and her wallet. Smart choices, eh?

Let’s just skip ahead 6 hours or so to ‘the call’.…

“My bags didn’t make it.”

“They didn’t?” (Wonder why?)

 “I ran through O’Hare and made my flight, but they couldn’t get my bags to it. They aren’t sure where they are and the next flight isn’t until late tonight. What am I going to do?”

“Where are you?”

“Driving to the school to check in and have dinner with my group. It starts at 6pm, so I have an hour to get checked in and be there. At least its not dressy dinner. And it's pouring rain. And I don’t know where I am going. “

 “Well, drive carefully and I love you…”

Now, it’s a couple of hours later… Sounds of sniffling greet me when I answer the phone. Not Good.

“Hi”

“What happened?”

“I’m on my way to Walmart to buy things that I need.”

“WALMART?! Isn’t there something else? You hate Walmart! You refuse to shop there and berate me when I go there to get paper towels.”

“It’s the only place within an hour’s drive and I have to have something to wear tomorrow.”

“So, how did it go with dinner and checking in?”

“I couldn’t check in as somebody already checked in under my name. And they gave away my dorm room, so I am in some strange dorm. And I don’t have any clothes, or a toothbrush, or anything to sleep in.”

“Wait, isn’t this whole thing about security? And they didn’t even check ID’s?” (I know, stop with the logic)

“Don’t even get me going. Shit, it’s 6:45 and Walmart closes at 7pm….I’ve got to go.”

Apparently, some nimrod decided to play a practical joke and carried it out all the way and even wore her name tag to dinner….and this at a university that does a lot of advanced security degrees for our government employees. Can you say lots of threat level red heading our way?

The Walmart trip was a success! Scratchy polyester undies, an American flag tshirt, lots of Suave products, and flip flops. All made by underpaid and oppressed Third World workers.

The only dorm room they had to put her in had no ventilation, no Internet and no a/c. Mind you, the nighttime temp was 85 with about 85% humidity. Kind of like trying to sleep in a rice maker.

Every hotel in town was booked for this graduation but fortunately, for both of us, her dripping tears worked on the staff at the Days Inn and they miraculously found her a room for the next few days.

Can I even tell you how glad I was that I opted to show up for the ceremony and skip the week before? I had insisted on a hotel from the get go, as like our mother, my idea of camping is Holiday Inn so we had reservations….for the ‘Executive Suite’ at said Days Inn…. I’m not sure where they came up with the name ‘Executive Suite’ as if anything, it was the ‘Executive Transvestite Suite' a la Eddie Izzard. Imagine a giant room leftover from the 80’s in various shades of lavender and gray with an enormous meeting table in the middle of the room….with a black hot tub right next to the meeting table. Seriously. Complete the image with a steam shower, also in the middle of the room, and various hideous Nagle pictures and you get the idea.

So let me tell you, the rest of the trip was great! No, seriously, it was!

And we may just end up buying an old farmhouse and turning it into a bed and breakfast some day. Somewhere near the University, so that we can provide emergency rooms and supplies to those graduates experiencing Canadian travel woes. Now, we just have to find somewhere to shop other than dreaded Walmart….

Mood:  surprised

Wow! Who’d have thought that a simple ranting post would garner such comments?!

I received several emails about my shitty day post. All of them regarding the part about my quasi relationship. One of which, I felt compelled to answer.

A ‘Diamond Dan’ sent me the following email:

“Did you ever think that maybe your relationships don’t work out because you’re not engaged emotionally? If you can just walk away that easily, you must be a pretty cold bitch.”

OUCH! No wait, double OUCH!

Well D.D., that’s nowhere near on point. I approach every relationship or the possibility of one like stepping off the cliff full bore. I look at it as yes, I can get hurt, but if I’m not willing to take that chance, then I won’t have something truly great. You have to give it your all to get it all. Capice? Much like poker, I am always all in. I’d rather take the gamble for the motherload than settle.

What I was trying to say and apparently failed to, was that if someone decides that he/she isn't that into you or vice versa, that you cut your losses and walk away. I can’t make you love me if you don't. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Oh shit, you know it’s bad when I start to quote cheesy Bette Midler lyrics, but you know what I mean. When is it time to walk away then? After the restraining order?

My attitude is move on! Sure, I'm hurt but I’ll get past it even if I think I'll never get over it. That’s life. I will survive, hey, hey! I mean really, what else do you do? Become a pathetic whiney stalker? Please love me? It could just be my ego or the fact that I believe I deserve more, but also I’ve been on the receiving end of that far too often and have the restraining orders against exes to prove it. What is the point? If someone doesn’t want you, he/she doesn’t want you. You can't change that so stop wasting time and energy and just move the fuck on already! Or at least save the courts some paperwork!

I would have loved to have at least remained friends with this last one as I truly thought he was amazing, but he made it very clear that he didn't want that. That I had a distorted and unreal view of him based on what he, himself, had told me. Therefore, how could we even be friends? In his own words he said that I don’t know the real him….unfortunately, there's really nowhere to go from there. I apparently was crazy about a guy who never really existed.

So D.D., no, I am not some heartless bitch riding roughshod on people’s emotions. I'm hurt but I am someone who’s been the subject of unwelcome and unwanted stalker attention from folks I’ve dated and I’ve made the decision to never act that way myself no matter what the situation. Especially as the other thing I despise as much as liars are hypocrites so I can’t be one.

Anyone else wanting to weigh in on whether I am a "pretty cold bitch" or a realist, feel free to email me at: megorama_theblog@yahoo.com as I've always been told that I'm a very warm and loving person but maybe it's just those $5 bils I hand out to everyone....

Mood:  chillin'

After the relentless drama of last week, the original thought for the weekend was a much needed low key Couch Potato Theater AKA Beers of the World Weekend. Watch a bunch of indie and foreign films and get completely tanked on random foreign beers.

All that changed after I realized this weekend was the Arizona Tattoo & Piercing Show. How could I have forgotten? I love the Expo! Count me in! The people watching is extraordinary! Every year I have met the coolest people! It’s always entertaining as you just never know who you’ll see, who you’ll meet and the art is really amazing as are the piercings! Some of the stories behind them are even better and you know how I love to yak with random strangers!

So I call Cat and, of course, she’s down for it so off we go for the two day pass to a killer show.

Day one was mostly people watching, making new friends and checking out which shops and artists were there. People tend to stop Cat a lot with comments and questions as she has an insanely cool full back branding.

Day two, I decide that some physical pain will be a good thing. Nothing like indulging in some new ink and steel to make me forget about emotional pain for a while.

Cat and I both got some new piercings. Thanks to the gang at Divinity for the new metal! I’d post a picture of mine, but a) my sister so doesn’t need to see that and b) nobody rides for free! I’ll just leave it to your imagination as that could be even better than the real deal.

They also designed the new ink for me. Got the design I’ve been mulling over for the last two years or so. It’s a Celtic design of a triskelian made of fire surrounded by a woven circle pattern. It’s pretty damn sweet! There were other components I had recently considered, but as things changed in my life, I dumped those additional design ideas. After the goo is off, I’ll post pics for you as right now the flash is arcing hard off the goop and making it look rather like a daisy chain of drunken Sea Monkeys.

Overall, a much needed relaxing weekend of people watching, meeting new peeps, pain, steel, show tunes (I sing them during tat work), ink and of course, beers of the world! You didn’t actually think I’d passed on the beers of the world portion of the weekend did you? PUHLEEZE!

The indie and foreign film fest can wait until next weekend!

Mood:  sad

Ah Wednesday! What a day! What a shitty, shitty day!

My friend called to tell me his mom died. I loved her like my own mom, perhaps more so at times. He told me that she wanted me to know how much she loved me. We both cried like babies.

Then I got the fun task of having to call my own mom to tell her the sad news. She was already crying as apparently my dad's remaining brother had a severe heart attack and was refusing treatment--mainly a rather severe bypass surgery (all eight) so wow, my night got even better!

Then to add insult to injury, I found out that the guy I was quasi-dating and rather intrigued by wasn't at all who he claimed to be. Lovely. Can I get some lube here please as I'm taking a dry one for the team?!

Someone once said that men are rather like trains. If you miss one, another one will come along soon enough and I rather believe this is true as it always happens that way for me. Otherwise known as "You're not that into me/I'm not that into you/We're not that into each other" whichever fits the situation.

My attitude no matter what the situation is and who does or doesn't give a flying fuck all is "Whatever-Next!" Or perhaps it's just that my ego is that large or well developed. I'm a total rockstar and I deserve the same. So if it's not working for whoever, oh well, who cares. Next! Seriously. Let's all move on to bigger and better things. I'm not about wasting my time or energy on dead ends nor do I do that to others.

What I do care about and despise more than anything are liars. In my mind, only children or immature people lie. It's so childish and there's nothing more insulting to me than having another adult lie to my face. Especially men who lie about themselves because otherwise they don't think I will like them as they truly are.

You know the ones--they lie about addictions of one kind or another, they lie about their past, their lie about what they want in the future, they still revel in the 'glory' days of their past (NOTE: If you work an 8 hour day at a major corporation and rent an apartment, pay bills on a regular basis, etc. you're not a rebel anymore living outside the box--get over it already! The past is done, it's all been said), they basically present a fake person because they like you and they worry you wouldn't be interested in the 'real' them. It's sad that they are so insecure that they feel the need to lie about themselves and create some false persona some twisted more flattering image of their true self.

Liars are pathetic. In fact, the definition of pathetic should be: A guy who has to lie about himself in order to get a girl to like him. Sad and pathetic.

Makes it all sooo much easier as  the guy I thought I was crazy about never existed so really, who cares?

Next!

Mood:  don't ask

So as many of you know, recently I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and came perilously close to being hospitalized due to stress and high blood pressure. Well, last weekend after several days of totally uncalled for and completely unnecessary bullshit and stress, I was hospitalized. As when I stress, I tend to get stomach cramps, nausea and other fun things like diarrhea. Or as my gran always said, ‘Don’t get your bowels in an uproar.” Oops, too late!

Nothing like waking up vomiting uncontrollably in the middle of the night. Add on top of that the chocolate Gatling gun and wow! What fun! NOT! And nothing tells you who your real friends are like when you call them at 3:30am, blow them out of bed and ask them to take you to the hospital—preferably with a bucket…or two.

I was admitted and they gave me a shot of Torpidal to try to calm me down. My BP was up to 180 over 100. A number I’ve never hit before in my life and hope to never again. To make matters worse, I couldn’t stop the vomiting. Options? Well I was ‘lucky’ enough that they had to give me a suppository for the vomiting. Wow! I am a lucky, lucky girl!

So Nurse Ratchet, who already didn’t love me as it was as I tend to deal with stress with humor, asks me if I could be knocked up.

“Yeah, I don’t see me as being the vessel for the second coming of Christ.”

Apparently that was not the answer she was looking for. “Miss, you need to be serious. Could you be pregnant?”

“Trust me lady, my unholy womb is not harboring a stealth baby.”

Again, apparently, the wrong answer.

“I just need a simple yes or no answer Miss. Or are you unsure?”

“I’m as sure that I’m not preggers as I am that you’re a humorless bitch.” Okay, I didn't really say that, I just wanted to but knew better than to throw that out there (pun intended) when it would soon be her sausage like fingers inserting my suppository.

I actually asked her if she had her whole arm in as I felt rather like Chevy Chase in Fletch and wanted to sing Moon River as she fisted me along the shades of Caligula. At that point, I was beyond misery and could have cared less. I just wanted to die. Seriously. I can handle blood, guts and other assorted things. I can’t handle vomiting. Especially vomiting until it is dry heaves and spittle. Throw me in front of a public bus…please! Add in unwanted anal from Nurse Ratchet and voila—I’m done!

I was finally released but went to my second stress test last week and failed it. BP was 146 over 90. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…I’d rather like to run away...and soon.

Mood:  incredulous

What is up with guys who seem to have to brag about their oral ‘prowess'? Don’t they have any idea how annoying it is to hear about how other chicks say they excel in the oral department? It’s rather like Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arpaio—it’s not sexy or believable when you feel you have to pat yourself on the back....repeatedly.

But it always makes me laugh especially when, and trust me it’s happened several times with different boyfriends, they go on and on about how they slept with a lesbian/bisexual/bi-curious, etc. chick and “she said I was amazing at oral.”

Yeah, babe. Keep telling yourself that. Hate to break it to you, but if I wanted to be licked by a chick, I’d be….well, I’d be my sister.

It’s no different than me saying that I dated a gay/bisexual/bi-curious guy and he told me I was amazing at oral-- just like a guy...right?

Hello! Here’s $5—buy yourself a clue!

Mood:  mischievious

The Tao of Meg-O-Rama….Hedonistic or heathenistic, you decide....

Always cut the bone out of a t-bone steak and gnaw it like a rabid MinPin

Scenic views are well, rather scenic hence the name

There are few things in life that are more beautiful than a perfectly grilled slab of meat or having a brewery in the laundry room

Throw coins into fountains as it’s cheaper than buying lottery tickets and your odds of winning are practically the same

Milk, juice, water, etc. always taste better when consumed directly from the carton in the fridge (now consider this a disclaimer)

Heaven probably smells a lot like a bookstore in the morning

Everything is better after a hot shower with a cold beer….seriously

Sublime sampled Fiddler on the Roof in their song Date Rape (Go. Listen. Now.)

Sundays are best spent naked on the couch watching cartoons and movies

The best meal in the world is freshly grilled tortillas topped with butter and hot sauce eaten while standing at the kitchen counter

Underwear should be made of chenille

The world is a far better place due to old things with V8s that go fast and I’m SO not talking Hugh Hefner

Cheese should have its own national holiday

Movies are better when things blow up….bags of flaming poo, mayonnaise factories, Lindsay Lohan’s career, etc.

The addictive magic of rotisserie chicken AKA the supermarket’s $5 destruction of the home cooked meal

Mood:  chillin'

Sometimes, life's lessons are easy like mixed sports metaphors never work or Eugene Levy is no Harold Ramis.

Speaking of Eugene Levy, American Pie was a career cursing movie. Name one actor whose career survived or thrived after that cult classic other than "And one time at band camp" Alyson whatever her name is chick on ‘How I met your mother'.

Seriously.

Shannon Elizabeth? Crash, burn from hot young it girl to hey low grade poker tourney whore.

Tara Reid? Crash, burn and how did she go from fresh faced starlet to drunken semi naked party trash so fast.

Mena Suvari? American Beauty then crash, burn and where is she now file?

Nastasha Lyons? Several good films then total crash, burn and self implosion.

Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein and that other guy....yeah, enough said....

Ok, Jennifer Coolidge survived but for what? She went from campy and kitschy to well Legally Blond....2. Enough said!

Mood:  mischievious

So Easter came and went. Forgive me, but I'm just not big on Easter. Unless you are a) of the age to get baskets of treats and hunt eggs and other treasure, or b) have smalls around of the age to get baskets of treats and hunt eggs and other assorted treasure, where is the fun? Really.

My parents called me a few days before Easter. I hadconveniently or not forgotten Easter. Seriously. I know crazy right. How does one forget Easter asks my mother. Blame it on the stress I say.

So anywho, I call mom to wish her Happy Easter and she goes on and on (READ: guilt central) about how it wasn't even like Easter with no kids hunting eggs.

What?

"Uh, Mom, we haven't hunted for eggs in years."

"I know", mourned Mom, "it's just not Easter!"

"No mom it's that we're too old to scrounge around for pop's special $5 camouflage eggs."

Yes ladies and gentlemen, my dad would let us color our brains out-as one did-with crayons and vinegar and food coloring. No fancy stickers and glitter pens and crap back then. He would then kick us out of the kitchen and close the door like some mad hermit scientist. He would then dye eggs, hand painting them all shades of camouflage to different shrubbery and hide them in the yard. If you found one of his eggs you got $5. Screw the regular ones or the candy ones! You wanted to find pop's for the cash and the bragging rights!

I remind Mom of these.

"Yeah Mom, one June evening you came in from the yard and you told Dad ‘Oh Dave, one of the baby birds died in the Pyricantha! It's awful would you get it out and dispose of it?' So sis and I follow him, morbid children I know, and he reached in and there was an awful squishing noise. Almost a splatting really. Ewwwwwwww! He pulled out his hand and in it were the wet moldering remains of a rotting Easter egg. A certain special $5 camouflage egg that apparently was decorated and hidden so well that no one found it for more than 2 months."

She doesn't remember them. ‘Well honey, sometimes memory loss is a blessing.' No doubt right?

She starts again with the hue and cry of it just wasn't Easter without kids.

"It just wasn't Easter! We didn't even have ham!"

"Why didn't you buy a ham mom?"

"Well, because it's too fattening!"

And that's my fault how? Indeed.

Mood:  silly

So it's that time of year. Those blissful and oh so few weeks we lovingly refer to as Spring in Arizona. You know, the ones that lull you into a false sense of security that maybe the summer won't be that bad. Yeah. Ahhhhhh! Lovely! High seventies/low eighties daytime, mid 60s at night. Perfect weather for being outside. Grilling, hot tubbing, yard work, napping in the hammock, chasing dogs around the yard, planting flowers, napping in the hammock, drinking beer, etc. Pretty much everything goes good with great weather and everything's better outside.

This also is the time to grill any food that can possibly be successfully grilled. Love, love to grill! Steaks, pizza, lobster, Cheerios...kidding, the Cheerios proved to be a dismal failure, but I digress.

The other night I was outside and the dogs were running around barking at all of the still unknown and as yet undetermined dangers in the yard. The weather was gorgeous-just getting cool and a slight breeze perfumed with allergen laden flowers and a plethora of grilled meat. Yummy! I threw on my lightly seasoned ribeye and Grillmegster was in the yard!

As I flipped the beef (Moooooooooooo!), I said rather loudly (go figure that) to the dogs "Yes beef...it's what's for dinner darlings" mimicking the voice of Edna, you know the tiny awful yet hilarious fashion designer in The Incredibles. (Haven't seen it darling? Well go then! Go! You must watch! I wait for you here darling!)

"Yes beef...it's what's for dinner darlings" - yes, I know a classic Meganism.

Then I heard my hot married cool neighbor Alex mockingly mimic back (again, go figure) "Really? Beef's what's for dinner darlings?"

When I finished laughing, I silenced him with a casual remark about although that was rather embarrassing, it did not quite reach the level of, say, a grown man singing ‘I ain't no Hollaback girl' at the top of his lungs with his 7 year old daughter...and knowing all the words...and odder still, the dance moves.

Hollaback girl....exactly.

Mood:  silly

02. Is it harder to reject or be rejected by someone?
Dump my ass please!

03. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Erm, the Beatles, Johnny Cash, UB40, Oak Ridge Boys, New York Dolls, well rather everything like I do now.

04. What is the best thing about your current job?
Well there is covered parking

05. Do you wish cell phone etiquette were a required class?
I think everyone needs a PhD in it!

06. What's the last thing you drank?
Still drinking. '05 J. Lohr Cab...

07. Have you been on a date in the park?
Does a quickie after feeding the ducks stale croissants count as a date then?

08. Where are you going on your next vacation?
I'm going to Dezneyland!

09. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
It was like a liquid Gatling gun...

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
A little of both...

11. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on?
Upon advice from legal counsel, I chose not to address that question on the grounds that I may incriminate myself...or how about not any time in the recent past?

12. Do you like pulp orange juice?
What's not to like? It's like drinking orange juice with a bunch of drowned ants in it. Yummy! Really.

13. Are you touchy-feely?
I can be but please know up front that it will cost you extra...

14. Did you cry at your high school graduation?
No, I was too busy trying to save the mice those fucktards threw. Seriously.

15. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?
Nature nakididity...look it up

16. What are two of your favorite places to eat?
El Conquistador and Sandy's house

17. What could you tolerate someone who snores or a sleep walker?
I'd prefer a sleep walker with OCD so that when I wake up in the morning the house is really clean. Find the hint there.

18. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
No, I'm schizophrenic and so am I! Buh-Dum-Pah! Oh yeah bitches, be here allllll week! Try the veal!

19. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
My singing voice and my ‘what are you fucking 5?' retarded sense of humor

20. What's your worst personality flaw?
The complete and utter inability sometimes to censor what comes out of my mouth

21. Have you ever gone to therapy?
Who hasn't?

22. Would you ever parachute off of a plane?
Not unless the fecking thing was going down anyway

23. Have you ever ridden an elephant?
Yes but not in the rather nasty way you're thinking about now--EWW!

24. Are you Irish in any way?
Oh my. So very many things come to mind here...erm, I have been Irish in many ways as I am...Irish that is

25. Have you ever ridden in the back of a U-Haul?
No, as I am a legal US citizen

26. Do you like to play Scrabble?
Only in my own mind

27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
I've said it once, I'll say it a million times: Nobody rides for free (nobody, nobody-refrain)

28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?
Is this bad grammar Wednesday?

29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
From Here to Eternity is a lie! Sand gets into ALL of your bits. All of your bits people. Highly over rated in the Hollywood smexy factor but I have had the shot many a time...

30. What are you saving your money up for right now?
A pony!

31. What was the last gift card you received?
Barnes & Noble

32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
I live for naked pool time. Seriously.

33. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your opinion of them?
Which person? Are we talking my dead grandmother or my gardener Paco?

34. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?
And unfortunately, I was still the idiot who jumped from the roof to the pool-HURRAN!

35. What do you do when you spot a bug in your house?
Depends. Crickets and roaches-die MoFos-DIE! My sister is apparently tripped out by spiders and freaked that I was saving all of the daddy long legs during the ‘get the shit out of the carport cuz the harpie who hasn't even moved in yet next door complained to the city' weekend (Complete with LOTS of beer, hot tubbing and the El Conquistador). ‘Are you sure it's not a brown recluse' was the cry of the clean up efforts.

Mood:  a-ok

1. Guys who refer to their girlfriends/sig o's as ‘my lady' are fucktard Neanderthals

2. I am getting old as smoking hot 20 somethings chatting me up has ceased to be at all that appealing

3. They're African Daisies not Africanized Daisies...that just applies to bees

4. Apparently almost everything on eBay is ‘RARE'

5. Flowers given for no reason whatsoever really AKA random are the best kind! (well done you!)

Mood:  silly

Well Virginia, I have good news and bad news for you. Some are real and some are simply 'Fig Newtons' of my overly fertile imagination. It's my blog and my perogative in story telling. Most of what you read is real, some is ever so slightly exaggerated and some is just down right made up hoo-ha bunk!

Which percentage is what? I have no idea--only my ghost writer knows for sure!

Here's the breakdown for those inquiring minds who wanted to know:

1. Remote control Sumo Wrestlers - REAL! You can buy them at http://www.thinkgeek.com

2. Play-Doh scented perfume - REAL! The Hasbro limited fragrance release is available online at http://www.demeterfrangrance.com

3. A Dog the Bounty Hunter Chia Pet - FAUX! Unfortunately, this item is simply a ‘Fig Newton' of my imagination. If you market it, I want royalties!

4. Another case of Pipeline Porter from Kona Brewery - REAL! This is the Kona Brewery's first new beer in 8 years! This porter has chocolate and coffee overtones and is produced using coffee from my cousin Timmy's organic coffee company. Kona's beers are distributed in Colorado , Arizona , California , Idaho , Montana , Nevada , New Mexico , Oregon , Washington and Japan . Pipeline Porter is expected to be available through February 2008 only. Stock up like I did.

5. An "I'm with the prude" t-shirt - FAUX! An idea I have kicked around for a while. I'm sure you can find anyone to create one for you online. Again, you decide to market, I want in!

6. The Best of the Muppet Show 15 DVD set - REAL! Available wherever DVDs are sold including eBay

7. The Hilary Clinton Nutcracker - REAL! Available online everywhere or at http://www.hillarynutcracker.com

8. Junior Lasik surgery kit - FAUX! Major Fig Newton of my imagination! Seriously folks this is about as good of an idea as toy heyenas!

9. The Marie Antoinette Action Figure with Ejector Head - REAL! Available online at one of my favorite online stores: http://www.mcphee.com

10. A one year subscription to the "Bacon of the Month Club" - REAL! Available at several different online vendors-surprisingly-including http://www.zingermans.com  and http://www.greatfulpalate.com

11. A bumper sticker that says "Even my retarded dog beat up your honor student" - FAUX! Much like Sangina's Mohawk, totally fake! I just feel strongly about it.....go figure.

Mood:  bright

I am not really a night person. That being said, if I'm not asleep or at least winding it down by 10pm, I start to wind up again to all shades of hyper! Not good when you already are prone to bouts of insomnia to start amping back up to full energy late at night. I've tried everything. No caffeine, no video games, no violent television (skipped the Iowa Caucus for this very reason) blah, blah, blah, et al.

It's just me. Some weeks I am up watching Shark Week on Discovery and vacuuming at 2am. It's a bummer as my best thoughts come around 10pm so again, I either act on the urge to write and then I'm up all night or I write the idea down, go to bed and then forget it later.

So New Years eve for me is a write off. Stay out partying and then risk not sleeping at all or cash it in early and be a pooper. So out I go, but when I return home I like to stay up for how ever many hours remain until sunrise watching movies.

Here are a few choice gems that have been viewed over the years for New Years day morning....

• Muppets From Space
• Dogma
• Bringing Up Baby
• Bladerunner
• Rosemary's Baby
• Raising Arizona
• Foul Play
• Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
• No Way Out
• Stripes
• Team America: World Police

One year in NM, it was the story of Ron Jeremy-narcoleptic porn star. What can I say? It was 4 am and nothing, not even Springer was on! 300 million channels and nothing to watch....go figure AKA the conspiracy of paid television services but I digress.

This year? Drum rollllllllll puhleeze! Once Upon A Time In The West. Hands down the best western EVER!!!!

Happy New Year all! Here's wishing you and yours a 2008 filled with all the good things!

Mood:  special

My Deep Dark Secret Version 2007

I don't like James Blunt.

Seriously. I HATE James Blunt! His nasal whine is like a bucket of spoons being put through an industrial wood chipper! I'd rather listen to Kathy Griffin gargle maple syrup or stab myself in the eye with a trout than listen to him!

I know everyone loves him but he reminds me of Oasis AKA another British import that everyone seemingly adored on a large scale and I detested. I refer to this kind of music as "Whiney British Lads" unless it's Beck and then I refer to it as "Whiney German Lad" music.

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest! I think that has to be the lamest deep dark secret I've ever had. I'd better swing naked from a chandelier next year....kidding.

Mood:  happy

Here I sit, smug after Christmas. Not bad. Not bad at all. I am off to scrounge in the fridge for some ham or leftover breakfast casserole or grilled lemon pepper pork or....you get my drift but I wanted to take a brief moment and share some of my favs before the New Year.

These are a few of my latest and greatest ‘Favorite Things'....

• The Daring Book for Girls by Miriam Peskowitz
• Nintendo DS Lite
• Fresh Cannabis Santal
• Philosophy Amazing Grace Emollient
• Brain Age 2
• My new 28 bottle wine fridge (thanks sis!)
• KEDJ (The Edge) Acoustic Christmas album
• Votivo Aromatic Candle No. 19A Clean Crisp White

Mood:  lyrical

Merry Christmas from ‘everyone' here at Meg-O-Rama! If you do not celebrate Christmas, then happy whatever you do celebrate! If you're an agnostic or atheist and celebrate nothing more than a mocha frappucino at Starbuck's, I think you're stupid giving up an excuse for gifties! Well that and the universe is infintely greater than any one man's beliefs so better safe than sorry in my mind.

Anywho, here's to 2008 being a stellar year for everyone and best wishes for a presidential candidate from any party who I could actually be excited about supporting because right now, it's more a choice of what is the lesser of all evils. But that's just my opinion and admittedly, I have been known to be wrong....