Of Lippazaners and Ass Crack....Part I
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Mashed Buddha

What can I say about my weekend?

 

I had seriously rocking tickets to the D-back game courtesy of a buddy of mine. And when I say rocking I mean ROCKING!!!! The seats were a few rows up from the field behind home base in the ‘hoi polloi’ lower echelon. Seats that came complete with our own little waiter dude. Well, Javier wasn’t exactly little and was sporting a rather scary neck tattoo and we had to share him with other game patrons in our section, but still we had a free drink bitch for 9 innings but I digress….

 

Let me start at the beginning which would be Friday night in desperate need of a pedicure before the game. I am so wearing some cute sandals and capris and must get the way narfy feet attended to ASAP! I walk in to my usual nail salon and am confronted with a vision. A total freakfest vision. As in, your basic overly shaved and plucked 6’ 5” whore makeup WHOA-Man tranny getting a French pedicure, my usual, with Kai, my usual pedicure guy. Quelle horror! A ginormously hideous tranny is getting his….errr, her, whatever, grubby size 13 toes buffed out by my Kai guy! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Seriously! It’s Frank Zappa in drag and it’s not pretty! (And no Deb, I am not referring to your 7^th grade school photo). I am now seriously re-thinking the whole manicure concept and decide to opt for Walgreen’s and Lee Press On toenails instead.

 

So fast forward to the game. Dulce and I happily meandered to our amazing seats, grasping a frozen margarita as we went. The perfect thing with the frozen margarita is that by the time it has melted enough to drink, the little margarita cabana boy comes by with the dispenser (like a soft sided kegerator) strapped on his back. Every time I saw him, my first thought was how much trouble I could have gotten into in college with a margarita factory strapped to my back and a tap in my hand. Oh the missed drunken opportunities --Sigh!

 

So anywho, there Dulce and I are. Kicking it and loving every second! The view of the field and the surrounding hotties was stellar to say the least! Eye candy abounded on and off the field! So I have my foot up in between the seats in front of me as only one of them is occupied by a grey haired pony tailed Dodgers fan. Boo old Dodgers fan guy! I was gazing at my feet and my super cool glue on pedicure when I noticed that one of my nails was missing. Oh crap! Perfect pedicure gone awry in the first inning! Apparently, that is the downside to glue on pedicures--they can pop off. I was mildly irritated until I leaned forward to catch a play and noticed that the wayward nail wasn’t running amok, it was merrily floating in pony tailed old Dodgers fan guy’s beer. Oops! Hygienically challenged party foul! I quickly pulled my feet down and tucked them under my seat for the duration of the game. I was completely freaked! What to do?! Do I warn him? (No, he’s a Dodgers fan) Do I ask for it back? (It would be sterile after the alcohol bath) Do I just say nothing and act casual? I mean it wasn’t like he wouldn’t pass it eventually. Yep! I opted for door number 3 and kept completely mum. Even with Dulce. We were already so deep into a case of shit giggles that I figured we didn’t need any more fodder before we got 86’d from the game.

 

Needless to say, the game ended up going 15 innings and we spent the last 6 of them in the bar where Dulce tried out her newly single pick up line “Hey, do you know anything about snakes?” When the guy would reply “Errr, no, why?” she would strike a body building bicep pose (mind you she’s 5’ 10” and thin) and say “ ‘Cuz I gotta figure out how to keep these pythons caged!” The reactions were hilarious to say the least!

 

I rolled home around 1:30am and rolled back out about 4:30am to go riding with the total bonus buzz.

 

4 hours later, I’m at Target. There’s an older gal in line in front of me who resembles a sweatier Jewish version of Scrappy Doo. The check out kid, Eric, is a pimply little dude who looks all of 12. This gal starts ranting on and on about how hot she is and how it feels like she’s going through menopause again but worse and how she’s never been this hot before in her life and that she can feel the sweat rolling down her thighs and into her Keds. She then proceeded to turn around and ask Eric if he can see it too. Yes she did! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I thought he was going to die! He turned this mottled shade of fuchsia and kind of made an odd strangling noise in reply. Throughout her diatribe, I kept my eyes carefully trained on my 5lb bag of dog biscuits lest I break into uncontrollable laughter and fall down howling. Scrappy Yentil took her purchases and made her way out leaving a trail of thigh sweat droplets behind her so I stepped up to Eric with my purchases. Our eyes met and I burst out laughing. He shuddered and said “I thought she’d never stop!” I promised him there would be no inappropriate sharing on my part during the course of our transaction but that he might want to call for a wet mop clean up first.

 

To be continued….

I Want To Ride My Lawnmower....
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Meat Puppets

So I was talking to my boss the other day and he was telling me that he had gotten a new lawnmower. He and his wife just bought a 2 acre property, most of which is grass, and he said "There is no way I am pushing a mower across all of that so I figured, screw it, and I bought a ride on mower!" To which I replied, "I have a ride on lawnmower too!" He asked "How many horse power is it?" and I said, smiling, "Just one" and he said "Smart ass!"

May I present my one horse power (HP) ride on lawn mower....

Watch out for the hammock big guy!!!

The Endless Fall From Grace
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Oingo Boingo

In light of the ongoing Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise sagas AKA The Endless Fall From Grace, I offer you this:

You just gotta love South Park--the animated In Living Color of our generation where everyone is fair game....

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Sheryl Crow

I believe that many people consider Drew Barrymore to be socially and emotionally retarded because she has so little concept of normal human relations. That her upbringing was so horrific that the worst parts were actually left out of her autobiography 'Little Girl Lost' (that she wrote at 14 years old) because her career would have been ruined and people would have gone to jail.

 

 

Are You Kidding Me? AKA The Most Arrogant Ugly Chick in The World!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Oak Ridge Boys

You already know my unhealthy obsession with Craigslist personals. What can I say? I am easily amused to say the least and these provide unending fodder. What I just don’t get are some of these folks who apparently live in an alternate universe or reality than I do.

There is just something unreal about a chick who goes on and on about how totally hot and amazing she is and then you check out her pics and her face looks like she got hit by a truck – or needs to get hit by a truck…or something…Seriously. This chick is overly impressed with herself and I just don’t get it. It is one thing to be confident and secure and then there is the diametric opposite of arrogant and totally misguided. I am not about the hate—but I am all about the honesty. If you are the hottest thing since roasted organic pinõn nuts, super but you’d better bring it and back your claims up. This chick is seriously delusional to say the least. Here is her encapsulated diatribe about her beyond questionable amazingness  as it was WAY too long and nauseating to post en totale: 

In short, I’m awesome. You’d love to date me, but you’d probably think I was out of your league and so you’d never come talk to me in public (it’s not all your fault). But frankly, that’s just fine, as most of you would be right.

I’m a successful, “up-and-coming” (as they say) artist. No really. The real kind. Not the café-art, slam-poetry kind. I am a gourmet cook who could make Martha Stewart weep in envy. I can build a suspension bridge across the Amazon using only discarded bubble gum and paper clips. I am so hot, I make myself moist. People call me cocky, but I consider it a good thing to be opinionated and confident.  I’m hot. No, really, I’m fucking hot. I collect those invite-to-an-open-call cards modeling agencies attack you with—for fun. But just for fun, as while I have a million dollar body, my profile and my slightly odd features would reduce me to “art house editorial with no real commercial power.” And frankly, unless I’m calling the shots, I have better things to do than be a drugged-out coat-hanger. I’m smart. I’m smarter than you. I have a graduate degree from an Ivy League school and I’m working on another. I can read a few dead languages, and a couple living ones. I’ve probably read the book you’re reading right now unless it’s trite and lame or features small words and pictures. There are few fields I have exactly no knowledge about but I could be mistaken. I can cook a 4-course meal for 10 on less than 3 hours notice. I can sing and play a variety of musical instruments. I’m not frigid, nor have “issues” regarding sex. This does not mean I do it all and then some with you and your buddies for a beer. I can shop at Bergdorf’s for a dress for the [insert event here]. I can make paper. Spin wool. I’ve been known to make jewelry and sew, on occasion. I know how to make sunscreen from popular trees.

You should be similar: smart, hot, interesting, confident, and cool. Generally awesome. I deserve someone as totally killer as I am. 

Now, scroll down for her stunning modelesque photos…not!!!! Seriously, is it just me being a heinous bitch, which is known to happen occasionally or are you wondering, much like me, what planet this chick is considered hot on? What is she the self-declared 'hot' girl on the planet Fugly AKA the chinless wonder (although the blower's cramp mouth is a postitive to some folks)? 

 You tell me! 

Random Meg-O-Rama Silliness on Friday 'Eve'
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Candela
This just cracked me up and I thought you all would appreciate it....it's from 5ives--this guy has some classic stuff!

Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events

1. How Soon is Now?/ The Smiths
2. Blasphemous Rumors / Depeche Mode
3. Uncertain Smile / The The
4. Only You Were Lonely/ The Replacements
5. The Killing Moon / Echo & the Bunnymen

I'd have to add: 

• Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
• Pictures of You - The Cure
• Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
• Galapagos - Smashing Pumpkins
• The Sun Always Shines on T.V. - Aha
• Why - Bronski Beat
• Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House
• Any of the multitude of overly long Sting ballads

to that list!

Can't you just imagine a rowdy drunken stadium full of of football goers singing along to those? NOT!

 

What would yours be?

For Love of Defamer
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Drive-By Truckers

AZCOOLCHICK: Did you read the Defamer bit on the alien Cruise cult…errr, clan?

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: Not yet, just made a comment on the blog.

 

AZCOOLCHICK: And did you see the bit on sweetcheeks Ted leaving E? http://defamer.com/hollywood/media/casablancagatewatch-casablanca-counting-the-days-until-his-contract-runs-out-192955.php Quelle Horror! Say it isn't so!!!

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: Jesus! Are Ryan's blow jobs really THAT good?

 

AZCOOLCHICK: LMFAO!!! Apparently so! Far superior to Terry Hatcher's!

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: I just can't imagine 10 months without Blind Vices! How will we survive Meg? I can't subside on Lainey's lame-o BVs!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I hear you!

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: And do you think before he goes, he'll reveal who Toothy is?

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I doubt it. I think he will keep his sweet lips shut. He does really well because he reports snarky gossip but you have to guess and he never confirms. If he started outing folks, he wouldn't be doing as well...he's snarky--not mean.

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: True! But it would be E! getting sued, not him, right? Could be fuck you assholes-see ya'!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I don’t think he would do that to Jake Gyllenhaal who, by all accounts, is a rather nice guy. Also, he is SO not into outing folks, He might be pissy with those firmly ensconced in the closet, but he thinks those who out folks and destroy careers and lives suck weasel as do most of us.

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: http://defamer.com/hollywood/top/suriwatch-vanity-fair-wins-opportunity-to-prove-existence-of-suri-cruise-193105.php

This just kills me: “the fierce bidding war with both Celebrity magazine and Sears Portrait studio”! Genius! As usual!

AZCOOLCHICK: Suri doesn't exist--they just haven't found a lifelike enough hand puppet to take out in public yet--especially since Katie hasn't finished polishing up her Alientology ventriloquism skills yet….

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: LOL!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I think they should have used that picture from Total Recall where the dude has the growth that is a person on him and said that was the faux baby Suri....

TheMoodiestFoxy: Hilarious--but I think the one they used was just about the creepiest thing I've ever seen!

AZCOOLCHICK: It was that John Lennon/Yoko Ono pic....

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: I know! It was creepy then too!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: Stop being such a Jewish warmonger Deb! Don't you know that the naked humping of talentless Asian broads has always brought about world peace!?!

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe....
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Gnarls Barkley

I believe that Mel Gibson is not only anti-Semitic and a hate monger, he's also a total hypocrite!  

He has routinely fucked around all through the course of his marriage and is known to order up young Asian prostitutes on his movie sets—having them flown in from Cambodia and other exotic locals. This is the man who says his wife is going to Hell because she’s not Catholic. What's that 7th commandment again? Hmmm…..oh yeah! "Thou shalt not commit adultery."  

Recently, he attempted to hook up with a certain young starlet for some fun in the sun at his weekend retreat, but was unceremoniously turned down flat by the young lady in question, who squealed to her young friends “Ewwwwwwww! Can you imagine anything soooo gross?!”

Don't Dream It's Over....
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: ABBA

When I was a kid, everything just seemed way more intense than it does today. Ice cream was colder, thunder was louder, fireworks were more interesting, Red Hots burned hotter when you stuck them in your nose, the night sky glowed brighter, Judy Blume's crotch novels seemed smuttier, etc.  Maybe part of it was that things were different in those days. We were more carefree as kids. We hadn’t lost our innocence or ignorance to the greater dangers and shitiness of the world we live in and life in general. I didn’t worry about what eating something might do to my cholesterol….or that if I went riding for five hours I might be too sore to function the next day….or that if I climbed the Eucalyptus tree I had a chance of falling out and getting hurt.   

I was daring in those days and never worried about the ramifications of my actions. I was invincible! I was going to grow up and be a pirate in spite of my father telling me there wasn’t much job security in being a pirate nor much of a demand for one. I was apparently ahead of my time as Johnny Depp’s pulling in a pretty good living being a pirate…. So I changed my life ambitions. I was going to grow up and be a marine biologist. I researched it for hours and hours on end. I was certain that I was going to attend Scripts Institute and become Meg Cousteau, a major player in the undersea world. That probably would have been a plan if it hadn’t been for one small little problem—I’m rather intimidated by the ocean and completely freaked out by the concept of scuba diving. Give me a snorkel and let me float, or give me a one way ticket to death via a scuba tank is pretty much my motto so that was the end of that dream. Next career ambition? Rock star! Now, I consider myself a rockstar, as do others, just not in the actual vocal department. Considering that I have the vocal abilities God bestowed on a small houseplant that was a joke! When I sing, dogs in Third world countries howl for me to stop. It’s that bad! 

I never considered the dreams or ambitions that were typical to most children being so abbynormal myself. I never wanted to be a ballerina as I know my limits and coordination is the first limit I come to after lack of vocal abilities. I never wanted to be a firefighter as I just wanted to have a lifetime of drooling over them. I never wanted to be President because even at 6 years of age I knew that someday I would have far too many skeletons in my closet to run as, whether I knew it then or not, I would eventually inhale at least several times.  

Today my continued recklessness is not born of desperateness. Instead, it is a small leftover pocket from more carefree times. Times when I could, and would, amuse myself for hours with a bowl of hard candy and never worry about destroying the bonding on my front teeth from the first or second time I knocked them out. When I didn’t worry so much about hurting myself, as I bounced back rapidly from injury unlike today. It comes not from an inability to grow up but rather a lack of desire to do so.    

What can I say? To paraphrase Lewis Carroll, it's beneficial to your health to try and believe a few impossible things before breakfast. I don’t want to grow up or dream it’s over….someday I will be a walrus trainer at Seaworld or a world renowned master of ro-sham-bo (rock, paper, scissors)….if only in my own mind.

I'd Rather Be....
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: X

I’d Rather Be….

• Winning the lottery
• Riding my unicorn
• Playing bloody knuckles with denizens of Middle Earth
• Drinking upside down margaritas
• Watching Mr. Nude Olympics
• Making up lip gloss color names
• Pretending I am the Mad Hatter
• Doing the ‘running man’ and the ‘care bear’
• Having sex
• Desperately fantasizing about Christian Laboutin boots
• Running amok
• Making origami out of maxi pads
• Pouring vinegar onto Switzerland to make it less neutral
• Enjoying a rather lurid nickname
• Doing the hokey pokey with Vince Vaughn
• Making suspension bridges out of Red Vines
• Shooting flag burners
• Spanking Armenians
• Greco Roman wrestling the Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Gardening naked
• Listening to static cling
• Doing the electric slide with the midget version of the Village People
• Pretending to be a walrus trainer at Sea World
• Using a Flowbee™ to trim the cat
• Ice climbing in the freezer section of Trader Joe’s
• Singing karaoke to Vanilla Ice
• Hanging out at Lake Powell on my imaginary boat
• Road raging on Nickleback with a Tommy gun
• Dancing in the dark
• Pretending to be a blind muskrat
• Crank calling the insane asylum
• Performing in drag at Folsom Prison
• Bitch slapping a weepy and over lubricated Wilmer Valderrama
• Exploring the plethora of underage cabana boy prospects at the local methadone clinic
• In a NASA meeting just so I could break the tension by jumping up and saying “Who farted?!”
• Zapping Fred Durst repeatedly in the groin with a Taser

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Bay City Rollers

I believe that Kid Rock likes to screw Pamela Anderson doggy style almost any place in public where there's some semblance of cover, like in a box at the opera house in Europe where they made a charity appearance one time, the powder room of the crowded green room at the MTV awards a couple of years ago, or in the VIP lounge of any number of clubs.

That Pam is terminally stupid, grasping and needy but has taken the art of fellatio to new heights by having her Epiglottis removed, hence her string of celebrity sex partners.

 

And The Sign Said--Almost 90 days Without an OSHA Incident....Almost.
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Sum 41

I should have known that my weekend was going to suck ass. How so? It was the sign. Now, I am a firm believer in signs. Signs and gut instinct will never steer you wrong if you listen to them unless the sign is ‘merge left’ and then some asshole in his Porsche will wail past you and cut you off as you try to get over but I digress…. What sign you ask? A very disturbing one which should have given me a big ol’ clue—a clue that perhaps I should have spent the weekend holed up in my house playing naked PS2 and chugging frozen pink lemonade vodka drinks.

So anywho, typical Saturday—time to run the errands! First stop, Big Lots (beloved discount store) for a cheap shower curtain liner (why spend $$$ on that) amongst other random items. Big Lots is the only store other than Home Depot where I can easily drop $100 in an hour or less. You just never know what you’re going to find there—wooden BBQ skewers, an egg separator that uses a nose shaped protrusion to separate the whites (the whites drip out like nose snarg—tres amusing if only to me), Snap Its (little white exploding sperm looking things that my sister took great amusement tormenting me with when we were kids), a Raider’s tape measure and my favorite recent find last trip—Jim Benton Happy Bunny slippers (they are white rabbit slippers that say “I’m cruel but I’m cute, so I’m worth it).

Imagine how disturbed I was then happily humming over my booty (not the junk in the trunk kind) and unloading it for the cashier when quelle horreur (seriously), I look down mid unloading to find a used condom in my shopping cart. Let me repeat that-A*Used*Condom—USED!!! HELLO!?!?!? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Someone's crusty spunk wrapper was touching my deals! I came beyond close to hurling!!!! Needless to say, I had to just walk away from the bargains. Just walk away. No bargain is worth that! <shudder!>

 

Now that should have given me a clue that my weekend would soon be skidding furiously downhill at a rather alarming rate but no, I didn’t heed the warning now did I? Of course I didn't. That would be logical.

Seriously, screw the two Phoenix serial killers!  Geraldo (the chronic over exaggerator lest we forget the opening of Capone’s vault) makes it sound as if we are all locked in our homes here, paralyzed with fear, emotionally terrorized and peering with dread out our front doors. I, myself, haven’t left the house since November 2005....as if! My weekend upset me far more than the serial killers ever could!

I get home from my too close encounter with the discarded winning piece of latex in the sperm lottery and decide it would be a good idea to fill the fish tank as it is on the back patio and is prone to evaporation issues (much like my stock of liquor when friends are over). I decide to make a phone call (or four) and the next thing I know, the 100 gallon tank is overflowing! Again, quelle horreur! It is by the grace of God (or whatever deity you choose to believe in) that my low rent Koi (overgrown goldfish) didn’t take a short ride over the rim and onto the back patio as I was yacking and completely spaced that I was refilling the tank—DOH!

Did I get that sign either—No, of course not!

So I go to Home Depot for a supply run for my numerous DIY house projects. As I am walking from the carport to the house with two ever so light bags (not the sets of faux wood blinds I purchased), when I am suddenly not walking—I am falling. TIMBER!!!!!! I am doing the Meg-O-Rama impression of a freshly felled log. I have to admit I am rather amazed at my stellar ability to unwillingly and unknowingly go from vertical to horizontal in one fell swoop. You'd think I'd be used to it after all these accident-prone years but no.

 

Do I drop my bags and catch myself? Of course not. I hit the ground with a resounding KABOOM!!! My first thought? Please dear Lord don’t let any of the neighbors have seen me take a header and if they did, let them stay in their house and laugh at me but do not come over to offer me help! My second thought? Please don’t let me have ripped my favorite pants….DAMN! Third thought was where my other shoe (a favorite pair) was as it was no longer on my foot. I broke it beyond repair.

 

It turns out I sprained my ankle, wrenched my knee and ripped it open on the gravel when I fell, tweaked my wrist and gave myself a serious deep bone bruise on my forearm. Just another day in the life of the accident prone.

 

I was telling my mom about my most recent ‘grace’ incident. She asked me if I was wearing “those clodhopper heels” when it happened. I, of course, said no (although I was) just to avoid the endless lecture. I know, I know, I need to grow a spine, but sometimes you just have to choose your battles and there was noooooooooooo way I was winning this one!

 

So here I am—once again swathed in Ace bandages. On the bright side, I almost made it a full 90 days without taking a header or otherwise accidently destroying my bod. Again, the key word here is ‘almost’….

Here Are My Own Top Ten Random Things Describing Me To The Least Of My Abilities....
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Three Dog Night

10.) I play the air drums better than anyone I know and that’s not saying much.

 

9.) I make a mean piece of toast and a mimosa that can’t be beat.

 

8.) I can recite all the lines from "This is Spinal Tap."

 

7.) I like horseback riding and Tetris, but not at the same time.

 

6.) I can tell you all about the majority of Saturday and Sunday morning cartoon characters.

 

5.) I read the horoscopes daily. Mine, Sagittarius, is usually kind of boring, so I'll adopt a different sign for the day. I love my Aries days the best.

 

4.) I have no problem letting those with testicles take charge of the remote control as long as I can tolerate what’s on.

 

3.) I'm a big fan of boys' nights out—as long as they don’t involve lap dancing or the six pack shake.

 

2.) I have repeatedly promised my family and friends that I will never sing in public….again.

 

1.) I sometimes use a fake name like Ruby when ordering at Starbucks just because it makes me laugh. “Venti triple shot toffee nut frappachino with cinnamon and non-fat foam for Ruby.”

Ah, The Joys of Craigslist!!!!
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Yellow Card

So Deb and I were busily whiling the day away IMing about the freakish personal ads we found on Craigslist. So completely gross and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW and yet, so fascinating! I can’t figure out if these guys just think all women are really stupid, are basically looking for a hooker that doesn’t solicit on a street corner or are just basic creepy weirdos or all of the above.

 

Here is a random sampling of my ‘favorite’ Craigslist personals and then thoughts on them. Some have been shortened for content, but all typos and ideas presented are those of the wierdass, demented or pathetic listee. Even I couldn't make this shit up....

 

 

looking 4 a fuck buddy female only  - 32

looking 4 a women any size color race age over 18 i dont care what u look like pusssy is pussy so lets get this going. no strings attached my place or yours.  good sex  and then u leave just suffering from s.b.u wifes away 4 a couple weeks so i need some lovin.

 

READ: I am an ignorant, illiterate and homophobic hillbilly who has been on Springer more than twice. You will need to douche with lye to get rid of the level of scabies I’m going to transmit to you.

 

MOMS TO BE READ ME  - 33
I'm looking for a pregnant woman to have some fun with... possibly more... It's been a long time fantasy of mine, but have never had the opportunity to fulfill it. I ask that you are healthy and clean.

 

READ: My mother bottle fed me formula until I was 11 but really didn’t love me. I am as sterile as a breast milk pump and want to pretend to be a virile stud muffin. I will beg you to call me ‘Big daddy’ while I gyrate naked and sweaty all over your swollen abdomen.

 

Need help with your bills??? - 37
Looking for a in shape sexy lady who want to travel and hang out. I help you with your monthly bills.

 

READ: I am foreign and English is my second language as evidenced by my grammar errors. I think by offering money, I will have a better chance to hook up with a call girl or other professional type as I can’t get chicks on my own.

 

Go Ahead Make My Day – 54

LOOKING FOR A LTR WITH A BI-WOMAN OR BI-CURIOUS WOMAN. YOU MUST CONSIDER YOURSELF ATTRACTIVE, WELL GROOMED, DRESS NICE & HAVE A VICTORIA SECRET CATALOG & BE READY TO ORDER (ILL PAY OF COURSE WINE & DINE YOU & NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE BILL…)

 

READ: I want to have my cake and any other cupcakes that come my way as well as watch you lick their icing. You must think you’re hot even if others don’t. As long as you’re willing to be bi-curious, I’ll forgive your less than stellar looks. I am willing to pay for your lingerie as long as you order it from a catalog one step up from the Flirt Catalog—I’m all about class...not!

 

any women want to go to the nude resort this weekend? - 25

Hey ladies, I am going to go to the nude resort this weekend, either the one in phoenix or tucson. Swim and tan naked, drink some beer, do some hiking and relaxing, just as friends, or sex, either is cool.

 

READ: I am a horny college student who wants to check out naked chicks at a nudie resort as I can’t pick a coed up at a local bar and get her naked to save my life. I am trying to sound sophisticated by saying we can go to a nudie resort and just be pals when all I really want is to score some poon.

 

Seeking Intelligent Sugarbaby-47

100% clean gentleman - looks 38 max - seeks a wise emotionally mature discreet non-professional attractive college-age girl (21 to 30) that is intellectually a step above her peers and needs a good-hearted friend. 100% respect guaranteed.

 

READ: I am freaking out about having one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel. I need some young, hot chicky who’s willing to be bought and can help me pretend that I’m not neck deep in a mid-life crisis. I am looking for an emotionally mature college-age girl which is about as likely as me finding the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. I try to fool myself by saying that I am looking for something more than a just barely legal age lay looking for some dude older than her dad to pay her bills.

 

Some Girls Want to be Swatted - 40

...and I'm happy to volunteer. Daddy figure, smart, caring, playful and professional, seeks a nice woman who wants her bottom spanked.

 

READ: I want to spank your naked ass until it is a rosy shade of pink while pretending I am the principal and you are a naughty, naughty schoolgirl. I claim to be a smart, caring professional so that I don't sound like a total skeevy perve.

 

looking for married woman for discreet encounters - 32

my ex cheated on me, now i want to have an affair with a married woman. please only honest women interested in this need to respond.

 

READ: I am a pathetic, spineless wuss who is trying to grab my balls back out of my cheating bitch of a ex’s handbag. I believe in dichotomies hence why I am looking for an honest women to cheat on her husband.

 

free house cleaning or handyman service for females
i will come over and clean your house for free or do other handyman jobs. all i ask is that you let me do this in the nude and for you to watch. i am available right now

 

READ: I am a level two Intermediate registered sex offender and I want to be naked and alone in your home with you. I will sashay around, swinging my junk, while I pretend to do things around your house and have you watch me. It turns me on and will probably only serve to gross you out. Then you will have to pay a real handyman to fix whatever I screwed up while naked.

 

SEEKING (WET OR DRY) NURSING RELATIONSHIP - 50
I am seeking a (wet or dry) nursing type relationship with a woman. Your age, weight, height, hair/eye color is not a factor. Just have the desire to bond together in wet (DRY) nursing.

READ: Yeah, I got nothing on this one—just too freaky for me. I am 50 and want to suck your titties is one thing. I am 50 and want to pretend I am nursing or actually nurse is just beyond freakshow. Mommy!!!!!

 

Money Slave - 38

Looking for a dominant and bitchy woman that likes to take advantage of men financially.

 

READ: I am the Simon Cowl of American Idol fame on Craigslist. I like my women bitchy and dominating just like dear old mum.

 

Maid/Sex Partner wanted for roommate - 29
Rent is negotiable (less than $100 month) some light housekeeping duties will be expected. I am very affectionate, and mostly want a warm body to cuddle with while falling asleep/waking up. If I don't like you as a lover, I could still keep you as a maid, so long as you don't get jealous. Oh, and I'm a virgo.

 

READ: I think I am all that (typical Virgo) and want a maid as well as a sex partner for less than $100 a month. I am cheap and will make you wash the paper plates so that we can use them again for our next gourmet meal from Whataburger.

 

Chandler Attorney looking for something a little different – 30

Attorney with foot fetish looking for a dominant, controlling, lady or ladies to serve, worship, and obey! i will be in the Chandler Fashion Mall movie theater on Wednesday from 12 noon until midnight hoping to sit beneath the feet of a naturally dominant lady. Please don't be shy and put your feet in my face and humiliate me.

 

READ: I am a freaky foot fetish guy who wants to be dominated and who is stalking women at local shopping malls. I want to lull you into a false sense of security by claiming to be an attorney and therefore 'respectable'. Please kick me in the face as no attorney who is actually practicing law and making a living at it, would use a lower case ‘i’ to refer to himself. It’s all about the Id…

 

Here are two more ‘honorable’ mentions. The listings are far too long, verbose and rather pathetic for me to even attempt to edit them for content. Look them up yourself and giggle while you read these chucklehead postings:

 

ATTRACTIVE, SUCCESSFUL MAN LOOKING FOR BEAUTIFUL LIFETIME COMPANION – 38

This is another one of your basic “I am a multimillionaire looking to spoil & marry a beautiful woman.” bullshit entry. Apparently looking for a really stupid and gullible woman who believes that uber rich, lonely men advertise on Craigslist for a soulmate. And I have some swampland in Wyoming I’d like to talk to you about….

 

Attractive, Successful, Fun, Jaded, Ruthless, Tired Amended Standards - 32

What can I say? Jaded at 32? Pathetic. What? He grew up in Hollywood and lived the Less Than Zero lifestyle? Whatever. Read his posting and congratulate yourself that you never dated this idiot. I have to admit though, it is rather amusing as long as he’s using Craigslist as a blog and not actually looking for a real relationship. He has this in his post: THE SLIDING SCALE OF STANDARD PREFERENCES AND EXCLUSIONS that goes on ad nauseam about his ‘gold’ standard (marriage material), etc. He is so the type that will end up being the creepy old guy trying to date 20 somethings by claiming to have cash and/or industry connections.

 

Wow! Need some amusement on a slow weeknight? Peruse the entries at Craigslist. I promise, you won’t be disappointed…in the shits and giggles that is!

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe....
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Fun Boy Three

I believe that Julia Roberts was back screwing other guys on set three weeks after her marriage to Danny Moder. That he got her to marry him by playing hard to get, because no one had ever turned her down before. That she is tired of him but thinks the publicity of a divorce would be horrific for her and that she also erred in not having him sign an ironclad prenup protecting her assets. That no one in the industry who's ever worked with her really likes Julia because she is a humorless bitch who takes herself way to seriously.

 

 

Signs That I Might Possibly Be 'PMSing'
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Breaking Benjamin

 

-A particularly touching episode of ‘Charmed’ has me weeping like a little bitch

 

-I’m having never before realized cravings for creamed herring and Fresca®

 

-I am completely enraged that my emoticons aren’t adequately expressing my feelings in my emails

 

-I sit in awed fascination watching Absolute™ cubic zirconium on the Home Shopping Network for countless hours

 

-I feel a sudden sexual attraction to Carrot Top

 

Yeah. I think that pretty much caps it. I’m definitely PMSing.

The Lakehouse
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Buddy Guy
So, Linds, Janelle, Chris and I reconnoitered at my parent’s summer place AKA the lake house (and no, not the Keanu Reeves/Sandy Bullock disaster of a film). It was lovely timing as the folks were in La Jolla at a friend’s beach house so the stellar pad was ours!

Chris and I drove up early to open up the house. We unfortunately discovered the local yokels in a town en route North were having an early 4th of July ‘parade’. Now, I use the term ‘parade’ loosely as I’m not sure that it really applies to 2 bunting-covered golf carts, followed by 3 ancient broads twirling festive batons, a fat man playing a tuba, a bunch of kids walking with balloons, a clown driving a blue tractor, some kids being pulled in red wagons, a man walking a ginormous pig on a leash, someone in a hot dog outfit and some more kids riding in a rowboat on wheels towed by two really mangy looking mules really constitute a ‘parade’. Probably only on Springer or in Deliverance, but I digress…

All of these ‘parade’ entries were spaced at least 15 yards or more apart so needless to say, we were there awhile. A looooong while. Long enough to decide that it would behoove us to pull over and check out the craft/Indian fry bread stand and the corral full of bison. Chris, being from the East coast, was pretty impressed. I guess watching penned bison crapping can do that to a man or as he’s dating me, he could just be easily impressed.

An hour later, we arrived at the lake house without further freakshow delay and the rest of the gang arrived a few hours later.

We had a killer time. Lots of story telling, laughter, boozing and fishing until all hours. Just tons of fun.

As for the story telling, I think my favorite one was my sister recounting an incident from our childhood. Apparently, when I was 6 and she was 9, she had a fascination with the then Dallas Cowboy’s kicker Rafael Septian. She just thought his name was beyond cool. One day, she got mad at me and said “You’re just a Rafael Septian” to me. I ran crying to my mom sobbing that “Lindsay’s swearing at me in Spanish.” Ah, the joys of yute!

And of course we fished. My sister and I are avid fisherbitches. When we were kids, we went all the time with our dad. Probably because our dad had no idea what to do with girls other than boy things. We fished, went to Suns games, drove go-karts, fished, used power tools, raced electric cars, fished, built forts, played darts, thumb wrestled and fished some more.

So Linds is online checking the local stats on what size fish are legal to take and what size you have to throw back. While she was rattling off statistics, I asked her what kinds of fish were stocked in the lake. She proceeds to tell us “Well there’s catfish, large mouthed bass, trout, crappy, blue gill…” So I asked her “How big of a crappy can you take?” She replied dryly “It depends on what I ate that day.” Buh-dum-pah! Needless to say, we all howled and howled and howled.

‘Crappy’ became the word of the trip ‘cuz you know there’s nothing like a fish having the same name as a slang term for poo to really bring out the hilarity on a trip! (Or at least if you’re on a trip with me….)

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe....
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Norah Jones
I believe that Ray Romano is obsessed with a buxom blonde former stripper who he has ensconsed in a high-rise apartment and who he plies with clothes, jewels and other expensive gifts to win her attentions. That said former stripper entertains other guys in said apartment and privately describes Ray as "length challenged" but "girth blessed" much like a can of tuna fish. That Ray's wife, Anna Scarpulla who he has been married to since 1987 and has 4 kids with, caught wind of the dalliance and chased him around the house with a pool cue, destroying much of the place. That shortly thereafter, Ray was seen at Harry Winston making a sizable purchase for the Mrs.....and then one for the stripper.

Massive Turnoffs in a Guy
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Psychedelic Furs

I have some definite ideas on what are massive turnoffs to me in the male species. Most women would probably say drinking from the milk carton in the fridge but as I do that on a regular basis, I can’t really go the hypocrite route….

Here are some of my top turnoffs:

•Referring to any woman you have ever dated as “my bitch” or “mommy”

•Naming your junk something cute like ‘the banana slammer and the coconut boys’

•Owning more than a few porns

•Sheets that haven’t been washed since the Clinton era and have more DNA evidence than Monica’s blue dress

•Having more baggage than the airport or baggage that Jimmy Hoffa’s body could have been stuffed into

•Smelling like poo

•Enjoying 'baby mama' trauma

•Blames his behavior on having Tourette’s Syndrome when he doesn't have it

•Satin sheets of ANY kind

•Thinking ninjas are cooler than pirates

•Speaking in rhyme

•Extensive public nasal mining

•Cuticles that look as if you took a hacksaw to them

•Having a pet that consumes other animals on a regular basis

•Use of Yorkshire pudding as sex aid

•Wearing as much or more jewelry than my Great Aunt Ruth

•Feet that resemble a Yeti’s

•Being into tofu

•A fake British accent

•Fear or hatred of sock puppets

•Hair where it isn’t supposed to be

•A Jacques Cousteau fetish

I Never
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: XTC
Things I can safely say in my personal game of ‘I never’ I will never….

1.Grow a third breast
2.Kiss David Hasselhoff
3.Not hate the Dallas Cowboys
4.Be convinced that ‘Brangelina’ were “just friends” during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smithh
5.Stab someone in the eye with a blood sausage
6.Participate in a “Hot Carl”
7.Tattoo ‘I love mom’ on my forehead or anywhere else
8.Use a chainsaw, or any other sharp implement, to carve totem poles
9.Smell of elderberries
10.Smoke banana peels for profit
11.Read Playgirl for the articles
12.Stop trying to perfect my almost eerily perfect Charo impression
13.Undercook pork products thus risking Trichinosis
14.Be beaten in thumb wrestling at the bantam weight or greater level
15.Be on Americas Most Wanted although it makes great fodder for an evening of “There’s Your Girlfriend”
16.Have weird habits that most folks don’t find completely adorable like my naked Gaelic yodeling
17.Lick Dr. Phil’s ‘chrome dome’, opportunity or not
18.Become a mime (yes, I know—physical impossibility as I couldn’t shuttie the pie hole that long)
19.Yell "fire" at a 50% off shoe sale at Nordstrom’s
20.Smuggle illegal immigrants into this country –‘Coyote’ Meg just has no panache
21.Join the ham radio operator’s association
22.Eat yellow snow
23.Have sex with Paris Hilton (in the rare minority to be sure)
24.Flash my chest on the Jerry Springer Show
25.Get a subscription to ‘Cat Fancy’
26.Run with scissors ‘cuz I know I would lose an eye or otherwise maim myself
27.Take the Coke/Pepsi challenge and ‘win’ cuz’ I’m a Pepper…
28.Molest a small animal other than a marmoset….just kidding
29.Put my tongue in a light socket
30.Find a large-mouthed bass in my Cheerios

I’m sure there are many, many more random things but I had a traumatic morning so cut me some slack….