Mood:  sad

Ah Wednesday! What a day! What a shitty, shitty day!

My friend called to tell me his mom died. I loved her like my own mom, perhaps more so at times. He told me that she wanted me to know how much she loved me. We both cried like babies.

Then I got the fun task of having to call my own mom to tell her the sad news. She was already crying as apparently my dad's remaining brother had a severe heart attack and was refusing treatment--mainly a rather severe bypass surgery (all eight) so wow, my night got even better!

Then to add insult to injury, I found out that the guy I was quasi-dating and rather intrigued by wasn't at all who he claimed to be. Lovely. Can I get some lube here please as I'm taking a dry one for the team?!

Someone once said that men are rather like trains. If you miss one, another one will come along soon enough and I rather believe this is true as it always happens that way for me. Otherwise known as "You're not that into me/I'm not that into you/We're not that into each other" whichever fits the situation.

My attitude no matter what the situation is and who does or doesn't give a flying fuck all is "Whatever-Next!" Or perhaps it's just that my ego is that large or well developed. I'm a total rockstar and I deserve the same. So if it's not working for whoever, oh well, who cares. Next! Seriously. Let's all move on to bigger and better things. I'm not about wasting my time or energy on dead ends nor do I do that to others.

What I do care about and despise more than anything are liars. In my mind, only children or immature people lie. It's so childish and there's nothing more insulting to me than having another adult lie to my face. Especially men who lie about themselves because otherwise they don't think I will like them as they truly are.

You know the ones--they lie about addictions of one kind or another, they lie about their past, their lie about what they want in the future, they still revel in the 'glory' days of their past (NOTE: If you work an 8 hour day at a major corporation and rent an apartment, pay bills on a regular basis, etc. you're not a rebel anymore living outside the box--get over it already! The past is done, it's all been said), they basically present a fake person because they like you and they worry you wouldn't be interested in the 'real' them. It's sad that they are so insecure that they feel the need to lie about themselves and create some false persona some twisted more flattering image of their true self.

Liars are pathetic. In fact, the definition of pathetic should be: A guy who has to lie about himself in order to get a girl to like him. Sad and pathetic.

Makes it all sooo much easier as  the guy I thought I was crazy about never existed so really, who cares?

Next!

Mood:  don't ask

So as many of you know, recently I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and came perilously close to being hospitalized due to stress and high blood pressure. Well, last weekend after several days of totally uncalled for and completely unnecessary bullshit and stress, I was hospitalized. As when I stress, I tend to get stomach cramps, nausea and other fun things like diarrhea. Or as my gran always said, ‘Don’t get your bowels in an uproar.” Oops, too late!

Nothing like waking up vomiting uncontrollably in the middle of the night. Add on top of that the chocolate Gatling gun and wow! What fun! NOT! And nothing tells you who your real friends are like when you call them at 3:30am, blow them out of bed and ask them to take you to the hospital—preferably with a bucket…or two.

I was admitted and they gave me a shot of Torpidal to try to calm me down. My BP was up to 180 over 100. A number I’ve never hit before in my life and hope to never again. To make matters worse, I couldn’t stop the vomiting. Options? Well I was ‘lucky’ enough that they had to give me a suppository for the vomiting. Wow! I am a lucky, lucky girl!

So Nurse Ratchet, who already didn’t love me as it was as I tend to deal with stress with humor, asks me if I could be knocked up.

“Yeah, I don’t see me as being the vessel for the second coming of Christ.”

Apparently that was not the answer she was looking for. “Miss, you need to be serious. Could you be pregnant?”

“Trust me lady, my unholy womb is not harboring a stealth baby.”

Again, apparently, the wrong answer.

“I just need a simple yes or no answer Miss. Or are you unsure?”

“I’m as sure that I’m not preggers as I am that you’re a humorless bitch.” Okay, I didn't really say that, I just wanted to but knew better than to throw that out there (pun intended) when it would soon be her sausage like fingers inserting my suppository.

I actually asked her if she had her whole arm in as I felt rather like Chevy Chase in Fletch and wanted to sing Moon River as she fisted me along the shades of Caligula. At that point, I was beyond misery and could have cared less. I just wanted to die. Seriously. I can handle blood, guts and other assorted things. I can’t handle vomiting. Especially vomiting until it is dry heaves and spittle. Throw me in front of a public bus…please! Add in unwanted anal from Nurse Ratchet and voila—I’m done!

I was finally released but went to my second stress test last week and failed it. BP was 146 over 90. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…I’d rather like to run away...and soon.

Mood:  incredulous

What is up with guys who seem to have to brag about their oral ‘prowess'? Don’t they have any idea how annoying it is to hear about how other chicks say they excel in the oral department? It’s rather like Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arpaio—it’s not sexy or believable when you feel you have to pat yourself on the back....repeatedly.

But it always makes me laugh especially when, and trust me it’s happened several times with different boyfriends, they go on and on about how they slept with a lesbian/bisexual/bi-curious, etc. chick and “she said I was amazing at oral.”

Yeah, babe. Keep telling yourself that. Hate to break it to you, but if I wanted to be licked by a chick, I’d be….well, I’d be my sister.

It’s no different than me saying that I dated a gay/bisexual/bi-curious guy and he told me I was amazing at oral-- just like a guy...right?

Hello! Here’s $5—buy yourself a clue!

Mood:  mischievious

The Tao of Meg-O-Rama….Hedonistic or heathenistic, you decide....

Always cut the bone out of a t-bone steak and gnaw it like a rabid MinPin

Scenic views are well, rather scenic hence the name

There are few things in life that are more beautiful than a perfectly grilled slab of meat or having a brewery in the laundry room

Throw coins into fountains as it’s cheaper than buying lottery tickets and your odds of winning are practically the same

Milk, juice, water, etc. always taste better when consumed directly from the carton in the fridge (now consider this a disclaimer)

Heaven probably smells a lot like a bookstore in the morning

Everything is better after a hot shower with a cold beer….seriously

Sublime sampled Fiddler on the Roof in their song Date Rape (Go. Listen. Now.)

Sundays are best spent naked on the couch watching cartoons and movies

The best meal in the world is freshly grilled tortillas topped with butter and hot sauce eaten while standing at the kitchen counter

Underwear should be made of chenille

The world is a far better place due to old things with V8s that go fast and I’m SO not talking Hugh Hefner

Cheese should have its own national holiday

Movies are better when things blow up….bags of flaming poo, mayonnaise factories, Lindsay Lohan’s career, etc.

The addictive magic of rotisserie chicken AKA the supermarket’s $5 destruction of the home cooked meal

Mood:  chillin'

Sometimes, life's lessons are easy like mixed sports metaphors never work or Eugene Levy is no Harold Ramis.

Speaking of Eugene Levy, American Pie was a career cursing movie. Name one actor whose career survived or thrived after that cult classic other than "And one time at band camp" Alyson whatever her name is chick on ‘How I met your mother'.

Seriously.

Shannon Elizabeth? Crash, burn from hot young it girl to hey low grade poker tourney whore.

Tara Reid? Crash, burn and how did she go from fresh faced starlet to drunken semi naked party trash so fast.

Mena Suvari? American Beauty then crash, burn and where is she now file?

Nastasha Lyons? Several good films then total crash, burn and self implosion.

Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein and that other guy....yeah, enough said....

Ok, Jennifer Coolidge survived but for what? She went from campy and kitschy to well Legally Blond....2. Enough said!

Mood:  mischievious

So Easter came and went. Forgive me, but I'm just not big on Easter. Unless you are a) of the age to get baskets of treats and hunt eggs and other treasure, or b) have smalls around of the age to get baskets of treats and hunt eggs and other assorted treasure, where is the fun? Really.

My parents called me a few days before Easter. I hadconveniently or not forgotten Easter. Seriously. I know crazy right. How does one forget Easter asks my mother. Blame it on the stress I say.

So anywho, I call mom to wish her Happy Easter and she goes on and on (READ: guilt central) about how it wasn't even like Easter with no kids hunting eggs.

What?

"Uh, Mom, we haven't hunted for eggs in years."

"I know", mourned Mom, "it's just not Easter!"

"No mom it's that we're too old to scrounge around for pop's special $5 camouflage eggs."

Yes ladies and gentlemen, my dad would let us color our brains out-as one did-with crayons and vinegar and food coloring. No fancy stickers and glitter pens and crap back then. He would then kick us out of the kitchen and close the door like some mad hermit scientist. He would then dye eggs, hand painting them all shades of camouflage to different shrubbery and hide them in the yard. If you found one of his eggs you got $5. Screw the regular ones or the candy ones! You wanted to find pop's for the cash and the bragging rights!

I remind Mom of these.

"Yeah Mom, one June evening you came in from the yard and you told Dad ‘Oh Dave, one of the baby birds died in the Pyricantha! It's awful would you get it out and dispose of it?' So sis and I follow him, morbid children I know, and he reached in and there was an awful squishing noise. Almost a splatting really. Ewwwwwwww! He pulled out his hand and in it were the wet moldering remains of a rotting Easter egg. A certain special $5 camouflage egg that apparently was decorated and hidden so well that no one found it for more than 2 months."

She doesn't remember them. ‘Well honey, sometimes memory loss is a blessing.' No doubt right?

She starts again with the hue and cry of it just wasn't Easter without kids.

"It just wasn't Easter! We didn't even have ham!"

"Why didn't you buy a ham mom?"

"Well, because it's too fattening!"

And that's my fault how? Indeed.

Mood:  silly

So it's that time of year. Those blissful and oh so few weeks we lovingly refer to as Spring in Arizona. You know, the ones that lull you into a false sense of security that maybe the summer won't be that bad. Yeah. Ahhhhhh! Lovely! High seventies/low eighties daytime, mid 60s at night. Perfect weather for being outside. Grilling, hot tubbing, yard work, napping in the hammock, chasing dogs around the yard, planting flowers, napping in the hammock, drinking beer, etc. Pretty much everything goes good with great weather and everything's better outside.

This also is the time to grill any food that can possibly be successfully grilled. Love, love to grill! Steaks, pizza, lobster, Cheerios...kidding, the Cheerios proved to be a dismal failure, but I digress.

The other night I was outside and the dogs were running around barking at all of the still unknown and as yet undetermined dangers in the yard. The weather was gorgeous-just getting cool and a slight breeze perfumed with allergen laden flowers and a plethora of grilled meat. Yummy! I threw on my lightly seasoned ribeye and Grillmegster was in the yard!

As I flipped the beef (Moooooooooooo!), I said rather loudly (go figure that) to the dogs "Yes beef...it's what's for dinner darlings" mimicking the voice of Edna, you know the tiny awful yet hilarious fashion designer in The Incredibles. (Haven't seen it darling? Well go then! Go! You must watch! I wait for you here darling!)

"Yes beef...it's what's for dinner darlings" - yes, I know a classic Meganism.

Then I heard my hot married cool neighbor Alex mockingly mimic back (again, go figure) "Really? Beef's what's for dinner darlings?"

When I finished laughing, I silenced him with a casual remark about although that was rather embarrassing, it did not quite reach the level of, say, a grown man singing ‘I ain't no Hollaback girl' at the top of his lungs with his 7 year old daughter...and knowing all the words...and odder still, the dance moves.

Hollaback girl....exactly.

Mood:  silly

02. Is it harder to reject or be rejected by someone?
Dump my ass please!

03. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Erm, the Beatles, Johnny Cash, UB40, Oak Ridge Boys, New York Dolls, well rather everything like I do now.

04. What is the best thing about your current job?
Well there is covered parking

05. Do you wish cell phone etiquette were a required class?
I think everyone needs a PhD in it!

06. What's the last thing you drank?
Still drinking. '05 J. Lohr Cab...

07. Have you been on a date in the park?
Does a quickie after feeding the ducks stale croissants count as a date then?

08. Where are you going on your next vacation?
I'm going to Dezneyland!

09. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
It was like a liquid Gatling gun...

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
A little of both...

11. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on?
Upon advice from legal counsel, I chose not to address that question on the grounds that I may incriminate myself...or how about not any time in the recent past?

12. Do you like pulp orange juice?
What's not to like? It's like drinking orange juice with a bunch of drowned ants in it. Yummy! Really.

13. Are you touchy-feely?
I can be but please know up front that it will cost you extra...

14. Did you cry at your high school graduation?
No, I was too busy trying to save the mice those fucktards threw. Seriously.

15. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?
Nature nakididity...look it up

16. What are two of your favorite places to eat?
El Conquistador and Sandy's house

17. What could you tolerate someone who snores or a sleep walker?
I'd prefer a sleep walker with OCD so that when I wake up in the morning the house is really clean. Find the hint there.

18. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
No, I'm schizophrenic and so am I! Buh-Dum-Pah! Oh yeah bitches, be here allllll week! Try the veal!

19. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
My singing voice and my ‘what are you fucking 5?' retarded sense of humor

20. What's your worst personality flaw?
The complete and utter inability sometimes to censor what comes out of my mouth

21. Have you ever gone to therapy?
Who hasn't?

22. Would you ever parachute off of a plane?
Not unless the fecking thing was going down anyway

23. Have you ever ridden an elephant?
Yes but not in the rather nasty way you're thinking about now--EWW!

24. Are you Irish in any way?
Oh my. So very many things come to mind here...erm, I have been Irish in many ways as I am...Irish that is

25. Have you ever ridden in the back of a U-Haul?
No, as I am a legal US citizen

26. Do you like to play Scrabble?
Only in my own mind

27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
I've said it once, I'll say it a million times: Nobody rides for free (nobody, nobody-refrain)

28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?
Is this bad grammar Wednesday?

29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
From Here to Eternity is a lie! Sand gets into ALL of your bits. All of your bits people. Highly over rated in the Hollywood smexy factor but I have had the shot many a time...

30. What are you saving your money up for right now?
A pony!

31. What was the last gift card you received?
Barnes & Noble

32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
I live for naked pool time. Seriously.

33. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your opinion of them?
Which person? Are we talking my dead grandmother or my gardener Paco?

34. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?
And unfortunately, I was still the idiot who jumped from the roof to the pool-HURRAN!

35. What do you do when you spot a bug in your house?
Depends. Crickets and roaches-die MoFos-DIE! My sister is apparently tripped out by spiders and freaked that I was saving all of the daddy long legs during the ‘get the shit out of the carport cuz the harpie who hasn't even moved in yet next door complained to the city' weekend (Complete with LOTS of beer, hot tubbing and the El Conquistador). ‘Are you sure it's not a brown recluse' was the cry of the clean up efforts.

Mood:  a-ok

1. Guys who refer to their girlfriends/sig o's as ‘my lady' are fucktard Neanderthals

2. I am getting old as smoking hot 20 somethings chatting me up has ceased to be at all that appealing

3. They're African Daisies not Africanized Daisies...that just applies to bees

4. Apparently almost everything on eBay is ‘RARE'

5. Flowers given for no reason whatsoever really AKA random are the best kind! (well done you!)

Mood:  silly

Well Virginia, I have good news and bad news for you. Some are real and some are simply 'Fig Newtons' of my overly fertile imagination. It's my blog and my perogative in story telling. Most of what you read is real, some is ever so slightly exaggerated and some is just down right made up hoo-ha bunk!

Which percentage is what? I have no idea--only my ghost writer knows for sure!

Here's the breakdown for those inquiring minds who wanted to know:

1. Remote control Sumo Wrestlers - REAL! You can buy them at http://www.thinkgeek.com

2. Play-Doh scented perfume - REAL! The Hasbro limited fragrance release is available online at http://www.demeterfrangrance.com

3. A Dog the Bounty Hunter Chia Pet - FAUX! Unfortunately, this item is simply a ‘Fig Newton' of my imagination. If you market it, I want royalties!

4. Another case of Pipeline Porter from Kona Brewery - REAL! This is the Kona Brewery's first new beer in 8 years! This porter has chocolate and coffee overtones and is produced using coffee from my cousin Timmy's organic coffee company. Kona's beers are distributed in Colorado , Arizona , California , Idaho , Montana , Nevada , New Mexico , Oregon , Washington and Japan . Pipeline Porter is expected to be available through February 2008 only. Stock up like I did.

5. An "I'm with the prude" t-shirt - FAUX! An idea I have kicked around for a while. I'm sure you can find anyone to create one for you online. Again, you decide to market, I want in!

6. The Best of the Muppet Show 15 DVD set - REAL! Available wherever DVDs are sold including eBay

7. The Hilary Clinton Nutcracker - REAL! Available online everywhere or at http://www.hillarynutcracker.com

8. Junior Lasik surgery kit - FAUX! Major Fig Newton of my imagination! Seriously folks this is about as good of an idea as toy heyenas!

9. The Marie Antoinette Action Figure with Ejector Head - REAL! Available online at one of my favorite online stores: http://www.mcphee.com

10. A one year subscription to the "Bacon of the Month Club" - REAL! Available at several different online vendors-surprisingly-including http://www.zingermans.com  and http://www.greatfulpalate.com

11. A bumper sticker that says "Even my retarded dog beat up your honor student" - FAUX! Much like Sangina's Mohawk, totally fake! I just feel strongly about it.....go figure.

Mood:  bright

I am not really a night person. That being said, if I'm not asleep or at least winding it down by 10pm, I start to wind up again to all shades of hyper! Not good when you already are prone to bouts of insomnia to start amping back up to full energy late at night. I've tried everything. No caffeine, no video games, no violent television (skipped the Iowa Caucus for this very reason) blah, blah, blah, et al.

It's just me. Some weeks I am up watching Shark Week on Discovery and vacuuming at 2am. It's a bummer as my best thoughts come around 10pm so again, I either act on the urge to write and then I'm up all night or I write the idea down, go to bed and then forget it later.

So New Years eve for me is a write off. Stay out partying and then risk not sleeping at all or cash it in early and be a pooper. So out I go, but when I return home I like to stay up for how ever many hours remain until sunrise watching movies.

Here are a few choice gems that have been viewed over the years for New Years day morning....

• Muppets From Space
• Dogma
• Bringing Up Baby
• Bladerunner
• Rosemary's Baby
• Raising Arizona
• Foul Play
• Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
• No Way Out
• Stripes
• Team America: World Police

One year in NM, it was the story of Ron Jeremy-narcoleptic porn star. What can I say? It was 4 am and nothing, not even Springer was on! 300 million channels and nothing to watch....go figure AKA the conspiracy of paid television services but I digress.

This year? Drum rollllllllll puhleeze! Once Upon A Time In The West. Hands down the best western EVER!!!!

Happy New Year all! Here's wishing you and yours a 2008 filled with all the good things!

Mood:  special

My Deep Dark Secret Version 2007

I don't like James Blunt.

Seriously. I HATE James Blunt! His nasal whine is like a bucket of spoons being put through an industrial wood chipper! I'd rather listen to Kathy Griffin gargle maple syrup or stab myself in the eye with a trout than listen to him!

I know everyone loves him but he reminds me of Oasis AKA another British import that everyone seemingly adored on a large scale and I detested. I refer to this kind of music as "Whiney British Lads" unless it's Beck and then I refer to it as "Whiney German Lad" music.

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest! I think that has to be the lamest deep dark secret I've ever had. I'd better swing naked from a chandelier next year....kidding.

Mood:  happy

Here I sit, smug after Christmas. Not bad. Not bad at all. I am off to scrounge in the fridge for some ham or leftover breakfast casserole or grilled lemon pepper pork or....you get my drift but I wanted to take a brief moment and share some of my favs before the New Year.

These are a few of my latest and greatest ‘Favorite Things'....

• The Daring Book for Girls by Miriam Peskowitz
• Nintendo DS Lite
• Fresh Cannabis Santal
• Philosophy Amazing Grace Emollient
• Brain Age 2
• My new 28 bottle wine fridge (thanks sis!)
• KEDJ (The Edge) Acoustic Christmas album
• Votivo Aromatic Candle No. 19A Clean Crisp White

Mood:  lyrical

Merry Christmas from ‘everyone' here at Meg-O-Rama! If you do not celebrate Christmas, then happy whatever you do celebrate! If you're an agnostic or atheist and celebrate nothing more than a mocha frappucino at Starbuck's, I think you're stupid giving up an excuse for gifties! Well that and the universe is infintely greater than any one man's beliefs so better safe than sorry in my mind.

Anywho, here's to 2008 being a stellar year for everyone and best wishes for a presidential candidate from any party who I could actually be excited about supporting because right now, it's more a choice of what is the lesser of all evils. But that's just my opinion and admittedly, I have been known to be wrong....

Mood:  celebratory

Dear Santa,

I have been ‘good' this year. I know that being labeled ‘good' is not an objective process but I do feel that my behavior for 2007 definitely falls well within what would be considered ‘good', if not downright swell, by most of the general populace. That being said, here's my hit list for next week. Jot down some notes please will ya'?

Please bring me:

1. Remote control Sumo Wrestlers

2. Play-Doh scented perfume

3. A Dog the Bounty Hunter Chia pet

4. Another case of Pipeline Porter from Kona Brewery

5. An "I'm with the prude" t-shirt

6. The Best of the Muppet Show 15 DVD set

7. The Hilary Clinton nutcracker

8. Junior Lasik surgery kit

9. The Marie Antoinette Action Figure with Ejector Head

10. A one year subscription to the "Bacon of the Month Club"

11. A bumper sticker that says "Even my retarded dog beat up your honor student"

Mood:  d'oh

One time, I decided I was going to order a magazine from Publisher’s Clearing House. Don’t ask. I respond to all of their sweepstakes and for some reason, I was overwhelmed with guilt that I never bought anything from them.

Well, the purchase choices are rather limited unless you are a 67 yr old mid western house wife. I don’t need a battery operated ice scraper. I don’t want The Bible on 10 cds. I already have the fingertip personal massager. I decided that I’d order a magazine. You can always use another magazine! It’s bathroom fodder if nothing else or you do as I do and take a few months with you on business trips and read them on the plane.

So all I was all shades of excited to see my first edition of Marie Claire! The day came and in my mailbox was the highly anticipated issue! I whipped it out and opened it up and realized it wasn’t Marie Claire it was a copy of Maxim! What the…..?!

Long and short of it, apparently I marked the wrong box on the order form. Oops! Crap! Like I really wanted a subscription to Maxim! The articles aren’t nearly as good as those in Razor or Playboy and I don’t want subscriptions to those either! I just have no desire to try to cherry pick articles to read from out of where they have been shoehorned in between pics of naked chicks for the next 12 months! That’s why I totally LURVE Details as it has all the super cool articles, hip new artists, music, fashion, social issues, etc. and no nudie pics but I digress….

So the question begged to be asked—what would be the worst magazine subscriptions to get that you never really signed up for? What magazine would you never want to receive for 12 months?

Here’s my list thus far…..

• Physics Today
• Golf Digest
• People…en Español
• Bassmasters
• COSMOGirl
• Soap Opera Digest
• Just Cross Stitch
• Ranger Rick/Highlights
• PC World
• Gifted Child Today
• Cat Fancy
• The Economist
• Christian Retailing

Mood:  on fire

Not sure what made the last post go all shades of verklempt on me, but Lycos is working on it.

Thanks for the emails about the issue with only being able to post one comment. Never really thought about anyone other than friends and family wanting to post so by al means, have at after they fix the solo post dealio.

Mood:  silly

You really can find almost anything on eBay from plastic crab claw harmonicas to underage Pilipino houseboys. Does it get any better than this? Only at Home Depot but I digress....

So I'm trolling eBay other night finishing scads of last minute Christmas shopping when I came across the following which I submit for your bemused perusal:

"Lucky Slice of SMILING BREAD rare WON'T MOLD"

WHAT?!?!

My first thought was that I had stumbled across one of those fun poorly translated listings from China complete with lead based paint like:

"Most Honorable Father of Ancestor boy Real Russian you buy!" Or some other poorly worded random item....

But nooooo, it is exactly what it is. A piece of toast.

Hmmmmmm....why this surprises me, I don't know as you can find Jesus on a Poptart, Ghandi on a dartboard and a ham hock shaped like Marlon Brando's clavicle on eBay. I checked out some other weird foody listings like the pork rind shaped like an ‘S' (bidding is up to $6 on that one!) but none of them held my attention like the Lucky Slice of SMILING BREAD! Check it mang! Check it! I mean Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Mang! Only in America!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=260193075748&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fsearch%2Fsearch.dll%3Ffrom%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dm37%26satitle%3D260193075748%26category0%3D%26fvi%3D1

If I was bursting, it wouldn't be with excitement.... per se.

Mood:  special

Marie Osmond may be a little bit country and her brother may be a little bit rock and roll, but I am definitely a little bit hypochondriac.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not an ongoing crisis deal that effects how I live. I don't think I have the Bubonic Plague on a regular basis.....more like an every few years basis. Just every now and then I become convinced that I may have some dread disease.

Perhaps it's because as a little child, my sister told me that gypsies left me in the trash and mom and pop were just fattening me up to eat me. Convenient if I could blame my ‘condition' on her, but most likely it's not due to the trauma she inflicted on me on an ongoing basis during our younger years lest we forget the story of Rafael Septian but I digress.

The first time I remember thinking I had a reason to contact the Centers for Disease Control was in 4th grade. My best friend, Kristen, invited me to go to Key Biscayne, FL, with her parents for vacation. We played on the beach and ran around from morning to night. It was a blast!

One morning, while brushing my teeth, I was horrified to notice that my skin looked kind of weird all shades of bubbly and grey. OH MY GOD!!!! I reached up with a shaking hand and touched a patch on my arm. I was beyond horrified to see it start to pull away!!!! I then pulled at it some more and the entire section came off in my hand!!!! I ran out of the bathroom crying!

I wouldn't calm down but then again, I wouldn't tell Kristen's parents what was wrong. I just kept crying and rocking like an unhappy autistic. Disturbed, they had me call my parents.

The phone call went a little like this:

Pop: Hello?

Me: Pop, it's me.

Pop: What's the matter?

Me: I have Leprosy!!!

Pop: What?!

Me: My skin's coming off! I'm worried my nose will fall into my Cheerios!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Pop: What?! Let me talk to Dr. Munsell! (Kristen's dad)

Dr. Munsell got on the phone and laughed as he told pop that no, I didn't have Leprosy, I had gotten a bad sunburn the first day there and I was now peeling.

Oops! Sunburn and subsequent peeling. Check! On the bright side, at least my nose never fell into my Cheerios and I was never sent away to an island to go live with the other slowly disintegrating lepers.

It didn't really happen again until college. One morning, after yet another wild night of partying, I woke up around 7am and wandered out to the kitchen. As I was standing at the sink getting a glass of water I looked out the window to the backyard and the entire yard was a blur of white! OH MY GOD! I was blind!!! I had alcohol poisoned myself into blindness! How on earth would I ever buy clothes and dress myself again!?! Would I have to get a handler much like Stevie Wonder? Hopefully one with better fashion sense....

I rubbed my eyes and tried to look again. I realized that I could see shapes but no colors! WAHOO!!! I wasn't blind! But I had apparently partied myself into color blindness! As I stood there overwhelmed by the sheer well overwhelmingness of the situation, I saw a sparrow hopping around the yard. Huh? If I was colorblind, how did I see that?

Upon closer inspection, I realized that I was not blind, colorblind or really anything other than just screamingly hungover and incredibly stupid. It had apparently snowed overnight in Tucson and, desert rat that I am, I hadn't recognized the snow for what it was.

Oops! Snow and a hangover. Check! Again, on the bright side, I can still watch Desperate Housewives and my sister will never dress me like Brittney Spears for her own amusement.

I have to say though I am getting better. Example? Just last week when I was sick, I had a temp of 102-103 and my neck hurt soooo fricking bad! As I lay on the couch suffering, I only briefly considered a diagnosis of meningitis. Briefly but not seriously. I mean, I didn't even Google it for more information....

Baby steps people! Baby steps!