Mood:  silly

So I'm driving home from work today. Pretty much same shit different day-I drive too fast and listen to uber loud music in order to race home and strip off my suit..

I'm sitting at a light a few blocks from home when I notice a panel van next to me. Now mind you, usually I will not stop anywhere near a panel van, especially a white one. I have a total weirdness and phobia that armed gunmen will jump out a la Patriot Games or some other such shitty thing. I know. Completely ridiculous but nothing good ever comes from a white panel van I tell you!

I relax a bit when I realize it's a work van for Ultra Rooter Plumbing Service.

Or should I say I relaxed until I noticed the plumber was rootering his own nostrils and had managed to root in his nose up to his second knuckle.

Talk about your ‘Ultra' Rootering!!!! I think I threw up in my mouth a little....

Mood:  don't ask

It never fails that I am reminded on a regular basis just how uber creepy some people are!

I was at the supermarket just minding my own goddang bidness and grabbing some provisions when creepiness struck! Dun-Dun-Duh!!!!!!

There I was standing in front of the deli aisle. Pondering as I am prone to do when trying to choose a cheese. What can I say? I’m a whore for the curd! Me likey the cheese. A lot. A lot more than I likey most people but I digress….

The next thing I knew, this guy was standing next to me talking. Apparently to me go figure. Erm? What? I tune the Meg dial away from inner cheese dialogue and tune into the random stranger dial.

“….I just had to tell you that?”

I tune in sharply. I’m sorry what were you saying?

“I hope this doesn’t sound totally creepy, but I was standing here watching you play with your hair and it was so erotic! The way you twisted and tugged on it. I just had to tell you.”

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I was standing there pulling and twisting on my ponytail as I pondered my choices.

Rather erotically according to creepy man. Yeah. Thanks for sharing! NOT! Dude it sounds totally creepy! While you’re at it, why don’t you just tell me you’re using my face for fodder tonight in a game of Rosie Palm and her 4 sisters play canasta!?!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Run Forrest! Run!

In hindsight, I was probably too harsh on him. He’s probably a really nice guy who was just grabbing some groceries while taking a break from his regular job as a barrister finding beneficiaries for a $10 million Nigerian slush fund….

Mood:  quizzical

I always wonder why magazines don't ask more interesting things during their ‘oh so exclusive' interviews with the star du jour.

I think they should ask more of those crazy psychological predictor questions you used to get asked in job interviews. You know the ones. The completely nonsensical pop psych questions. ‘If you were part of a car which part would you be and why'. I always wanted to answer that one with ‘the back seat ‘cuz it sees all the action'. When in doubt default to Sigmund Freud but I digress....

• If you were cheese which one would you be and why?
• What kind of tree are you most like?
• If you were a Star Trek® [or Star Wars®] character, which one would it be?
• Why are manhole covers round?
• If you could trade places with any other person for a week, famous or not famous, living or dead, real or fictional, with whom would it be?
• How would you explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew?
• If aliens landed in front of you and, in exchange for anything you desire, offered you any position on their planet, what would you want?
• If you could be a superhero, what would you want your superpowers to be?
• If you were a type of food, what type of food would you be?
• If you were written about in the newspaper, on the front page, what would the headline say?
• What kind of people do you dislike?
• In a small room you have a refrigerator, if you left the door of the 'fridge open would the temp in the room fall or would the temp in the 'fridge rise? Why?

I had to throw the serious one in at the end.....so sue me!

Mood:  cheeky

....And what’s up with the Croatian mens water polo team all sporting 70s cop porn ‘staches a la Ron Jeremy?!

Mood:  on fire

I always pick out a soundtrack that I listen to over and over and over again whilst I pump out art. Typical for me. I will stick with it as long as I’m still creating and generating. If not, it’s on to something new. They tend to be compilations as I like different tempos and beats as the work progresses and I go into the ‘zone’.                      

Lately, I’ve been highly enamored of one particular song on the mix. The A Band of Bees’ song ‘A Minha Menina’. I like to dance around singing to it while I paint. I rather resemble the Rippers praying in Tank Girl with my moves but I enjoy it. Better than then Elaine on Seinfeld I say….WOOHOO!!! 

It’s one of those uber happy and upbeat little diddies that sticks in your head all day (in the good way) and makes you want to dance around in the rain wearing only Wellies, but I digress….(sorry for the visual sis). 

Anywho, can I tell you how totally, totally perturbed I was when I was watching the Olympics last night and I heard that song! I started singing along only to realize it’s an ad….for McDonalds! ACK! First they steal Devo and now this? Is nothing sacred?

It’s a rhetorical question folks please don’t email me.  

Once again in the infamous cries of Nancy Kerrigan, Whyyyyyyyyyyyy….

Mood:  energetic

And here is More Damn Happy Thoughts...

Mood:  bright

Been pounding out more artsy fartsy stuff lately.

This is tentatively called Chaos Theory just started it...

Mood:  chillin'

I totally lurve that hot little dude-child, Jonathon Horton, on the USA Men’s gymnastics team AKA the Cinderella story boys of the Olympics.

After they realized they were medaling, against all odds, he was holding a ‘gun show’ and shouting ‘That’s how the USA rocks!” to the media.

Then Joey Hagerty (yes sis, I know he's from Rio Rancho) piped in over his shoulder with “It’s how we roll man!” after their totally unexpected and totally earned bronze medal. That was some serious guts and grit I tell you but only teenagers! I swear! Hilarious that!

And I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed at Michael Phelps’ little mother pumping her fist in the air and screaming “Move it Michael! Move it!” as he’s breaking world after world record.

Well kids, that’s my report from the Olympics, now back to ‘live’ coverage of USA men’s beach volleyball….and then more gymnastics….and then bed. Hopefully.

Post Script: Why is it that it’s almost 2009 and all of the eastern Europeans are still all rocking the blue eyeshadow and spray glitter a la Nadia Comaneci? They always look like someone's 1970's low rent disco cousins….

Mood:  hug me

I mean really! Wasn't it bad enough the first time around and that was without them doing a duet?!

Exactly!!!!

Mood:  celebratory

It’s that time. Time for the Olympics! WOOHOO!!! I so totally lurve the Olympics! I have just GORGED on them for the last several days minus an hour and change or so to re-watch Hell Boy for the nine brazillianth time but I digress….

Night after night here in the ghetto, I’ve been up just staring at the set watching. It’s after 2am and there I was quaffing beer, cheering on the {insert random USA sport team here, currently USA men’s indoor volleyball).Go bitches!!!!! Go!!!!!

It was a veritable weekend-long buffet of swimming, gymnastics, volleyball, beach volleyball, bicycle road race, basketball, sculling, fencing, and on and on and on!

As many of you know, I tend to binge on Olympic coverage for 5-6 days or so….basically spending all my time glued to the host city du jour AKA Beijing and the accompanying shenanigans.

And then suddenly, much like overdosing on funnel cakes at the state fair or Turkish Delight in Narnia, I’m beyond done. I feel nauseous and I can’t even bear to look at them anymore!

I rather liken my Olympics o.d. to Brett Favre media coverage. It doesn’t matter how completely awesome you are—everyone gets sick of you during constant overexposure….erm, I mean overindulgence.

I’ll be officially ‘done’ with the Olympics by next weekend.

Until 2012 then! WOOHOO!

Mood:  a-ok

Just a few….a small few of them from the rather extensive listing....

• I hate Ikea

• I dumpster dive

• I find marbles....a lot

• I can’t drive behind a car that I can’t see through or over to what’s in front 

• I always have lip balm in my purse 

• If I play electronic Solitaire , I have to play until I win a hand 

• I pick up cool rocks I see everywhere I go 

• I tend to group things in 3’s 

• I hate when people use “u” instead of you

Mood:  celebratory

I imbibed like nobody’s business for numerous days while on vacation. So did my sister’s partner Neeqs. Well, it was her ‘yeah my security clearance finally came through’ party so totally understandable. But then again, I was quaffing down mango margaritas like water and Neeqs was slamming tequila shots. 5’4, 100lbs soaking wet, no dinner, some beer….Oh and 7 tequila shots. Yes, 7.

Needless to say someone was hurling like a Technicolor Gatling gun in the bathroom and that someone was definitely not me. Sis went in to check on her and Neeqs had her entire head in the toilet….having just roarked rather magnificently! She also had managed to change into jeans. Why you ask? Well, we weren’t really sure as usually when drunkenly sick or sickenly drunk, you want sweat pants, boxer shorts or your own nekkidness on the oh so cool tile or linoleum floor. Not so much the jeans…. not that I speak from experience or anything. But anywho, sis got her a cool wash cloth and some water.

How’re you doing?

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.” Came from the partially clad but no-longer-spewing heap on the bathroom floor. Right. So sis propped her up sideways for the duration and locked Ginger, otherwise known as Lazarus the Chihuahua who rose from the dead, in the bathroom with her. (NOTE: I just can’t do vomit: see an earlier entry). We figured that 1) Neeqs wouldn’t choke a la Morrison, Hendrix, Joplin, Bonham, et al, on her side and much, much worse of us (yes, we’re horrid easily amused people) 2) that if she did throw up, perhaps Ginger would make like a good little vacuum cleaner for the team. I know demented but what else would you expect from me and, by extension as partner in crime, my sister?

No need to get all shades of belligerent! We had the doggy gate up in the doorway and everyone checked on her on a regular basis. as it was free amusement…..erm, I mean as she was the Guest of Honor and everything.

Yeah.

Mood:  cool

So my sister's trying to quit smoking. Mind you she's been smoking since she was an embryo....or at least in the womb...okay, age 12 really, but basically for a long ass time.

In high school we used to take our family dogs for a walk after dinner which was basically a euphemism for going for a smoke. Or we'd go for a 'jog'. She'd be jogging backwards in front of me puffing away. Craaaaazie!

So anywho, last time she tried to quit, I caught her sneaking a smoke....and she had a damn patch on! She was like the Wicked Witch of the West and Pastsy from Absolutely Fabulous had melted together in a bad montage. Did I mention she becomes super snarly without nicotine?

She actually prepped for the big 'quit out' by buying 12 brazillian varieties of suckers and lollipops to take the place of the schmokes.

I ask her how it's going.

"It's been three weeks since I had a smoke! Three! Three!" she replies rather shrilly.

Um...eeek! Crabby!

Erm. So how are the lollipops working out for you?

"I'm fucking Kojack I tell you! Kojak!"

I thought you were a lesbian?!

I know I heard her teeth snapping said Blow Pop to bits.....giggle.

Mood:  silly

So my 36 year old cousin got married last year and I was honored to attend her bachelorette party.

Yes, there is honor in bachelorette parties. Hmmmm.....yeah, not really.

I can't tell you the details of the strip club or the limo or what happened later with the penis piñata, but what I can tell you about is dinner as it was rather benign especially for me. About 15 of us went to a sushi restaurant and did the table dinner dealio or, as I like to call it, the chop-chop table.

Across the room at another chop-chop table was, lo and behold, another bachelorette party only these gals were definitely early 20-somethings wearing neon bracelets, doing shots and screaming at decible levels that only cockraoches could hear whereas we were all mid 30-40-somethings drinking wine and discussing the joy of a good bowel movement. Hey now, getting old isn't for sissies.

So anywho, throughout the course of the evening we drank more, they drank more; we shouted more, they shouted more; they took 8 trillion pictures and we were blinded by their annoying flashes and then, they got up to leave.

As they were walking out giggling and strutting like low rent super models, my cousin's best friend Veronica says to them "Enjoy it while you can girls-we used to look just like you!"

They laughed, or shuddered I wasn't sure what, and off we strolled to our limo....chuckling evilly!

Nothing like being a buzz kill! Bwah, ha, ha! (evile laugh!)

Mood:  cheeky

I met this guy Saturday night from South Carolina. He told me “Girl, you are finer than hair on a bullfrog”.

Erm. What?

My first reaction was to ask him what kind of hair cuz I know I’m cuter than pubes!

Instead, I asked “Uh, is that a compliment?”

“Sure is honey.”

Hmmmmm…..yeah, I think the jury’s out on that one dude. Seriously, just can’t see that as a stellar compliment or at least not outside of the Appalachia.

Let’s try out some other hillbilly compliments:

Girl, you’re cuter than tits on a beaver!

Girl, you’re cuter than the two headed lizard grandpop had!

Girl, you smell sweeter than road kill stew!

Girl, you make me hotter than my cousin!

Yeah, not!

Guess I’d better stick with hair on a bullfrog and count myself lucky…

Mood:  cheeky

Do you ever notice how there’s always somebody in the group that can’t hear? It’s almost always me saying “Elvis in a Winnebago….what?” and someone saying slowly and loudly, as if to a short bus rider, “Spin-ach and to-ma-to”. Damn my loud rock music! Could you turn it up please?

Anywho, was at a huge party in NM this weekend. Wii. Mango margaritas. Hot tubbing. Amazing food and peeps. Pretty soon a whole gaggle of us were yacking about tattoos and comparing ink.

One gal was upset that her step daughter had gotten a tattoo. I told her it’s no big dealio—just a small black dandelion—it’s the giant ones that they pick off walls you have to worry about. The ones they regret by 26 or so and are stuck with. Like the chicks who are going to be 60 someday with ‘Warrant’ tramp stamped across their lower back or better yet, ‘Sex Kitten’. Explain that to the grandchildren!

So later in the conversation, we were talking about hookers (I know! It was hilarious crazy drunky convo) and Moira says jokingly “Oh yeah and they all came from the 'Sex Kitten' Ranch!” and I was all shades of  “The Mexican Ranch? What?”

Boom-Boom-Tish! She’ll be here allllll week folks!

Mood:  silly

 So I get a text from my buddie Josh (below)....

"Just had my registration to Match.com denied. One of the questions was 'What do you like in a woman?' Apparently 'my cock' isn't an acceptable answer."

My friends rock....

Mood:  sad

He would have been 45 this year. Noticed the past tense there eh? One of my dearest friends. Like a brother to me since I was twelve and a part of our family.

They say that time heals all wounds but I don't agree. I think that there are some things in life you go through that you get past but you never truly get over. His suicide was one of those things for me.

A piece of me died that day I found him on that mountain. It left a hole in my heart that scabbed over but will never truly heal. Seriously. How does one really ever get over something like that? Finding your best friend dead. It changes who you are and completely changes your priorities, your preconceived notions, even your own belief system. The ‘would have, should have, could have's can cripple you and did me for a time.

It's been 7 years now since that devastating day and still a piece of me aches for his loss.

You are greatly missed bro but I still see you in every rainbow....

Mood:  cheeky

So if you haven't heard, quirky rockers Devo are suing the ginormous fast food chain McDonald's over the use of the band's likeness in what is apparently a NOT so Happy Meal toy. As I am an avid Devo fan - go boys go!!!!