I gave you my all
And just when I thought I was fine
You let me down...again

And here I rest
Staring right back you
Through this hole you left in my heart.

I gave it my all
But you destroyed it...again

You let me think that what we had was real

But it was all smoke and mirrors

 

All I ever wanted
Was for you to love me the way I love you

Honestly, I’ll be okay
I fucking loved you more than anyone

Ever
But you played me for a fool...twice

If you only knew
How it felt
I was numb
I was raw

I was wounded

I’ll count to three
And pick up every
Piece of my shattered hope
Breathe in my misfortune
And then exhale

I should have seen it from the start
But I think I figured it out
I think I can finally see
You can laugh now
The joke's on you.

 

I should have listened to you

You were right

All along you said

I deserved better.

 

I miss you
so much.

It's been 3 years

and still

the pain

it guts me

rips out

my soul

and

stomps

on my heart.

Sometimes,

it is simply

more

than I can bear.

It's even greater

today

than yesterday

and will be even

worse

tomorrow.

Overwhelmingly,

devastatingly,

unreal.

3 years

and still

you're gone.

Just a shadow

left here

of you.

A reminder of what used to be.

A shadow

of my life.

How can it be

that I can't move on...

I seem to walk

in endless

circles

always coming back

to the shadow

of you.

A reminder

of what used

to be.

A shadow

of my life.

 

Ursa Major

the greater bear.

Mercurial

quicksilver

are you.

Your laughter

rumbles

like

large,

unorderly,

bubbles

of air

up to the surface.

Your eyes

at times

like a primordial forest

with

chunks of copper ore

scattered

about

or warm,

deep,

green pools

of tranquility...

One heart

soars

unfettered

as another

plummets

like a stone

thrown

to the bottom

of any empty well

landing

with a resounding

"THUNK"

somewhere

near the bottom

of the stomach...

===============================

 

Another night

sleep will not come

to me

so I watched

'Sharks'

on Discovery Channel

and ate

cold, mashed potatoes.

With my

imagination running

on full

I doubt I needed

more fodder

for thought...

 

Again

it's night

and I cannot

shut off

my mind.

Thoughts dash

back-n-forth

crazily

playing

synaptic tag

or perhaps

cranial red rover.

I try

to sleep

mentally blocking out

the cacophany

within my head.

Only it never lasts.

Moments later

a party

is going on

in my skull
and I wasn't even

invited...

 

My eyes

hurt

red-rimmed
and tired

yet

sleep

evades me.

The slumber

I yearn for

dances merrily

out of reach.

The dream seeds

ripe

in my subconscience

must wait

for another

time

to bloom.

 

Brokenhearted

I lay

curled before you

My soul is torn

shredded

too easily

like tissue paper

A howling wind

tears through

the darkness

that is now

inside me

Despair has taken hold

of my heart

clenched tight in its fist

Crushing my will to live

Alone I stand

on trembling legs

facing a harsh reality

I have never known

The rain stings my face

leaving tracks there

like my tears

My throat burns

tight with pain

Never before

have I felt so cold

and so alone...

I feel I'm going to

drown

in my tears

========================

as I reach for you

only to find air

But my mind plays tricks on me

for it still sees the shape

of your body

lying next to mine

In the early hours

of dawn

with my dream eye

unfocused

I can feel you

there

If only it was true

================================================

I think of you

Where we have been

and where we might go

The future spreads

out before us

vast and unknowing

like leaves in the wind

our lives tumble

together or apart

only destiny knows...

==================================

and

remembered scents

are a poor substitute

for you

====================================

 

A mutual risk

in a shared glance

Two hearts

holding hands

at times

boldly

yet...

timid

Like the first steps

an infant takes

and with

the same

caution

Love

as fragile

as an eggshell

and as easy

to crush

============================

 

My tousled boy

with your

carefree smile

So quick

to laugh

carelessly

recklessly

tossing stones

from the shore

One, two, three

times

they skip

the ripples

form

far reaching

patterns

Changing

the calm surface

of my life

=====================

 

 

On my sheets

your scent lingers

a pleasant reminder

of the heat

of our passion

All consuming

desire

Divided

we arch

and meet

as one

The act

of joining

our essences

together

I remember

our hearts beating

kindred

Fused together

in a silent dance

of the soul...

=======================

I trace

the outline

of your face

so perfect

so beautiful

as dear

and as familiar

to me now

as my own

Sometimes I am stunned

by what I feel

when I look at you

[heady, breathless, shocked]

=======================

from beyond

I think

are you

with no earthly ties

passion unbridled

The face of an angel

with a tortured soul

==========================

Looking up

I see you

in the night sky

The brightest light

tearing through

the velvet of midnight

Your many expressions

constantly change

the pattern of your face

Your warm

white glow

comforts me

As you and I gaze

into each other's faces

I stop and wonder why

no matter how much I beseech you

beg your opinion

you never answer me

For although
I see your mouth

you cannot speak

-=======================================

 

The waves roll in

from the endless horison

they come

Our toes leave their marks

in the sand (as we walk)

An imprint

of their thoughts

Their time is short

a reprieve

from the nimble, searching

fingers of the surf

They are not long of this earth

As we are also

The sand

immeasurable

each grain

another day

another life

gone

with the ebb

of the tide

of life

==========================

 

Banging heads on the linoleum floor

When I'm done you'll only ask for more

They try to shove their ways

down your throat

hoping you'll accept it

before you choke

When Heaven's on fire

and Hell's reaching up for more

Fighting, you'll end up on the floor

Submission's not the way

Throw their crumpled morals

in the trash

where they belong

With their misguided judgement

it won't be long

until that mind of yours

they try to flay

Me, me

Shoot up

Fuck you

My mind's my own

I'll do as I please

Preach to someone else

Who cares?

I've had enough

I'm done

 

(Yeah, I know it sucked and still does. I think we sang it to the tune from Cheech and Chong's performance in Up in Smoke--Dunna-nuh, dunna-nuh-nuh-nuh...

Hey man, Dave's not here...)

============================================================

From The Gate (to You)

 

Walking

from the gate

to you

Familiar

and yet

so new

Stepping

into

a rediscovered

world

from the past

Nerves

jumpy

Heart

pounding

Emotions

all a kilter

Pulse

pounding

in my ears

Soul

skittish

Wondering

just what

I will find

as I

walk

from the gate

and

back

to you

 

To The Gate

As I walk

away

from you

from what

might have

been

to the gate-

the gate that

leads me

back

to my life

and

away

from you

Images of you

echo

in my mind

but the distance

between us

is already apparent

Although you

have left

I am still

here

Feeling

like I have lost

something…

something important

as I travel

to the gate…

 

Sometimes, it is an event. It is as if you awake from a deep sleep. You feel neither refreshed nor rested. You gasp for breath as if you narrowly escaped drowning and in fact, you have. Instead your heart is pounding and you’re anxious. Anxious to get started and make a change. A true change. The life-altering one.

 

That’s how she felt that morning in DC. It was time for a change. There was so much more out there to experience. Who had coined the phrase that life was a bounty? Well, she awoke that morning having tasted but a small bit of the cornucopia and had decided then that what she really wanted was a larger bite. How long had she been simply nibbling at the edges of life? A dry and brittle existence was all she could remember. It was enough. Correction, it had been enough, but no more. Amazing, she thought, how one incident could change everything. A brief glimpse into another existence. Another possibility. Was that really all it had taken to crystallize the growing feelings of dissatisfaction that had been building steadily within her? A single moment in time that changes your life?

 

She had had a moment like that months before. A galvanizing moment that should have defined a new existence for her, but she had lost the power of that instant. She had not acted upon it and the opportunity had faded from her like so many others had before in her life. She was determined that this would not be another lost episode of opportunity. She tried to pin down what part of it had moved her to action? Nothing really stood out. It was the overall event and the warm feelings in the anticlimactic hours afterward. For her, the sun had finally broken free of the clouds. Never one to dwell on the whys (which had always been part of her problem), she decided to move forward on the feelings.

 

First, she had to go home and face the situation there. There would be no meeting of minds, no happy reconciliation. She realized with a start, that she had known this from the beginning. She had hoped, but somewhere in the inner recesses of her heart, she knew it was never meant to be. Whoever said that you couldn’t go home was right. There was no going back, it was too far gone. The more she thought about it, the more she knew that it had been gone for a long time. It hadn’t been a slow, dissolving of the feelings and ties that bound them. It had been a swift and brutal death. When she had found out the truths and half-truths, it had killed all she knew or thought she had known. And she had stayed. Stayed when she should have moved on. Nothing had gotten better. The corpse that was their relationship had simply decayed and festered. They merely existed together not happy, not sad. Somewhere in the middle then. At moments, good times outweighing the bad and vice versa. An uneasy contentedness. God, what had she been thinking? It was delusional at best and masochistic at worst.

 

How much energy and vitality had it sucked out of her? The marrow of her very existence seemed depleted. How many years wasted that she would never get back? It seemed only yesterday and yet, it seemed an eternity.