29 Nov, 10 > 5 Dec, 10
22 Nov, 10 > 28 Nov, 10
22 Mar, 10 > 28 Mar, 10
7 Sep, 09 > 13 Sep, 09
11 May, 09 > 17 May, 09
4 May, 09 > 10 May, 09
13 Apr, 09 > 19 Apr, 09
16 Mar, 09 > 22 Mar, 09
9 Mar, 09 > 15 Mar, 09
2 Mar, 09 > 8 Mar, 09
26 Jan, 09 > 1 Feb, 09
19 Jan, 09 > 25 Jan, 09
22 Sep, 08 > 28 Sep, 08
15 Sep, 08 > 21 Sep, 08
1 Sep, 08 > 7 Sep, 08
25 Aug, 08 > 31 Aug, 08
18 Aug, 08 > 24 Aug, 08
11 Aug, 08 > 17 Aug, 08
4 Aug, 08 > 10 Aug, 08
28 Jul, 08 > 3 Aug, 08
21 Jul, 08 > 27 Jul, 08
14 Jul, 08 > 20 Jul, 08
7 Jul, 08 > 13 Jul, 08
30 Jun, 08 > 6 Jul, 08
23 Jun, 08 > 29 Jun, 08
2 Jun, 08 > 8 Jun, 08
26 May, 08 > 1 Jun, 08
19 May, 08 > 25 May, 08
12 May, 08 > 18 May, 08
28 Apr, 08 > 4 May, 08
21 Apr, 08 > 27 Apr, 08
14 Apr, 08 > 20 Apr, 08
3 Mar, 08 > 9 Mar, 08
31 Dec, 07 > 6 Jan, 08
24 Dec, 07 > 30 Dec, 07
17 Dec, 07 > 23 Dec, 07
10 Dec, 07 > 16 Dec, 07
26 Nov, 07 > 2 Dec, 07
19 Nov, 07 > 25 Nov, 07
12 Nov, 07 > 18 Nov, 07
5 Nov, 07 > 11 Nov, 07
8 Oct, 07 > 14 Oct, 07
1 Oct, 07 > 7 Oct, 07
3 Sep, 07 > 9 Sep, 07
6 Aug, 07 > 12 Aug, 07
23 Jul, 07 > 29 Jul, 07
9 Jul, 07 > 15 Jul, 07
2 Jul, 07 > 8 Jul, 07
25 Jun, 07 > 1 Jul, 07
30 Apr, 07 > 6 May, 07
26 Mar, 07 > 1 Apr, 07
19 Mar, 07 > 25 Mar, 07
5 Mar, 07 > 11 Mar, 07
26 Feb, 07 > 4 Mar, 07
5 Feb, 07 > 11 Feb, 07
29 Jan, 07 > 4 Feb, 07
22 Jan, 07 > 28 Jan, 07
15 Jan, 07 > 21 Jan, 07
27 Nov, 06 > 3 Dec, 06
30 Oct, 06 > 5 Nov, 06
23 Oct, 06 > 29 Oct, 06
16 Oct, 06 > 22 Oct, 06
9 Oct, 06 > 15 Oct, 06
2 Oct, 06 > 8 Oct, 06
25 Sep, 06 > 1 Oct, 06
11 Sep, 06 > 17 Sep, 06
28 Aug, 06 > 3 Sep, 06
21 Aug, 06 > 27 Aug, 06
14 Aug, 06 > 20 Aug, 06
7 Aug, 06 > 13 Aug, 06
31 Jul, 06 > 6 Aug, 06
24 Jul, 06 > 30 Jul, 06
17 Jul, 06 > 23 Jul, 06
3 Jul, 06 > 9 Jul, 06
26 Jun, 06 > 2 Jul, 06
19 Jun, 06 > 25 Jun, 06
12 Jun, 06 > 18 Jun, 06
5 Jun, 06 > 11 Jun, 06
29 May, 06 > 4 Jun, 06
22 May, 06 > 28 May, 06
17 Apr, 06 > 23 Apr, 06
10 Apr, 06 > 16 Apr, 06
27 Mar, 06 > 2 Apr, 06
13 Mar, 06 > 19 Mar, 06
27 Feb, 06 > 5 Mar, 06
20 Feb, 06 > 26 Feb, 06
13 Feb, 06 > 19 Feb, 06
6 Feb, 06 > 12 Feb, 06
30 Jan, 06 > 5 Feb, 06
23 Jan, 06 > 29 Jan, 06
16 Jan, 06 > 22 Jan, 06
9 Jan, 06 > 15 Jan, 06
2 Jan, 06 > 8 Jan, 06
26 Dec, 05 > 1 Jan, 06
19 Dec, 05 > 25 Dec, 05
12 Dec, 05 > 18 Dec, 05
5 Dec, 05 > 11 Dec, 05
28 Nov, 05 > 4 Dec, 05
21 Nov, 05 > 27 Nov, 05
24 Oct, 05 > 30 Oct, 05
17 Oct, 05 > 23 Oct, 05
26 Sep, 05 > 2 Oct, 05
5 Sep, 05 > 11 Sep, 05
22 Aug, 05 > 28 Aug, 05
15 Aug, 05 > 21 Aug, 05
1 Aug, 05 > 7 Aug, 05
18 Jul, 05 > 24 Jul, 05
11 Jul, 05 > 17 Jul, 05
4 Jul, 05 > 10 Jul, 05
27 Jun, 05 > 3 Jul, 05
20 Jun, 05 > 26 Jun, 05
13 Jun, 05 > 19 Jun, 05
6 Jun, 05 > 12 Jun, 05
30 May, 05 > 5 Jun, 05
16 May, 05 > 22 May, 05
2 May, 05 > 8 May, 05
25 Apr, 05 > 1 May, 05
11 Apr, 05 > 17 Apr, 05
4 Apr, 05 > 10 Apr, 05
28 Mar, 05 > 3 Apr, 05
21 Mar, 05 > 27 Mar, 05
14 Mar, 05 > 20 Mar, 05
7 Mar, 05 > 13 Mar, 05
28 Feb, 05 > 6 Mar, 05
14 Feb, 05 > 20 Feb, 05
31 Jan, 05 > 6 Feb, 05
24 Jan, 05 > 30 Jan, 05
17 Jan, 05 > 23 Jan, 05
10 Jan, 05 > 16 Jan, 05
20 Dec, 04 > 26 Dec, 04
13 Dec, 04 > 19 Dec, 04
6 Dec, 04 > 12 Dec, 04
22 Nov, 04 > 28 Nov, 04
15 Nov, 04 > 21 Nov, 04
1 Nov, 04 > 7 Nov, 04
25 Oct, 04 > 31 Oct, 04
11 Oct, 04 > 17 Oct, 04
4 Oct, 04 > 10 Oct, 04
27 Sep, 04 > 3 Oct, 04
20 Sep, 04 > 26 Sep, 04
13 Sep, 04 > 19 Sep, 04
6 Sep, 04 > 12 Sep, 04
30 Aug, 04 > 5 Sep, 04
16 Aug, 04 > 22 Aug, 04
9 Aug, 04 > 15 Aug, 04
2 Aug, 04 > 8 Aug, 04
26 Jul, 04 > 1 Aug, 04
12 Jul, 04 > 18 Jul, 04
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Meg-O-Rama...The Blog
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Friday, December 3, 2010
20 things you never knew about Adam Richman AKA An Ode to Man vs. Food...
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Muse - Undisclosed Desires


One of my favorite shows is Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. Who would have ever thought that I would be thoroughly entertained by random food challenges? But what’s there not to love about host Adam Richman? Seriously, the man is hilarious! Not only is he funny, he’s a freak when it comes to tolerating the pain, burn, sheer volume, etc. of whatever challenge he’s facing. So good!

So here, a la Chuck Norris, are 20 things you never knew about Adam Richman, food challenge stud:

1. There is nothing that Adam Richman can't eat, only things he doesn't like.

2. Adam Richman once finished five 12-pound meals in just half an hour. He spent the first 28 minutes making out with the waitress.

3. Adam Richman counted to infinity - thrice. He was counting the number of hot dogs, pies and hamburgers he has consumed at different eating contests.

4. In fine print, on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all of the eating-related records are held by Adam Richman, and those listed in the book are the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

5. Starbucks drinks come in five sizes: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti and Adam Richman.

6. Adam Richman once challenged Galactus to a eating contest. The loser had to wear a silly-looking hat for the rest of their life.

7. Thor was not tricked by the giants into drinking the sea; rather, he was trying to duplicate one of Adam Richman's feats. He ultimately failed, but nevertheless, Richman commended the Norse god on his "perseverance."

8. Adam Richman's digestion system does not convert food to fat, but to antimatter. Scientists speculate that future interstellar spacecraft will be powered by Adam Richman's stomach.

9. Adam Richman once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

10. Adam Richman coined the phrase "I could eat a horse" after eating every last unicorn in existence.

11. Adam Richman uses pure capsaicin as eye drops.

12. When Adam Richman apologized for eating "half of Alaska's wildlife," he was not exaggerating, but downplaying, his feat.

13. When Adam Richman eats too much, he doesn't throw up, he throws down!

14. Adam Richman can have his cake AND eat it too.

15. The term "bottomless pit" was coined by a doctor who once looked at Adam Richman's esophagus during an annual exam.

16. He can have a snack while watching the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.

17. Adam Richman can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

18. They say tough men eat nails for breakfast. Adam Richman does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

19. Adam Richman once ordered a Big Texan meal at Humpy's Great Alaskan Alehouse, and got one.

20. Adam Richman will never get a heart attack. His heart isn't stupid enough to attack him.

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 8:34 AM NZT | Post Comment | Permalink
Saturday, November 27, 2010
A Tale From Thanksgiving...
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Kenny Chesney - Somewhere with You

Thanksgiving is always a joint birthday/thanksgiving affair in our family. My sister and I were both born the Friday after Thanksgiving, 3 days apart, 3 years apart, so we’ve always had joint birthdays. Yes, we're ‘anniversary babies’. Um, ewww.


So anyway, the Spatchmo clan is together in New Mexico for Thanksgiving. Sis and I are opening birthday gifts when I see my sister open a gift from our mother. All I can tell is that it’s one of those corked ceramic saving jar things. You know the ones that have sayings like ‘Swear Jar’, ‘Shoe Fund’, etc.?


Her face just falls and I quickly ask her to show it to me. She turns it and I read ‘Face Lift Fund’. Wow. Mind you my sister looks great and she’s only 46. She in no way, shape or form needs a facelift. Beyond that, it’s just freaking mean. Your mother?! With mothers like that, who needs enemas or however that goes.


I am all over mom in a heartbeat.


“I cannot believe you gave that to her! That is just mean!” Even pop jumps in on it about how it really wasn’t nice.


She gets all shades of pissy and starts defending herself. “It was just a joke. It was supposed to be funny!”


So sis replies “Well if it was meant to be a joke mom, why didn’t you give it to Meg then?”


Mom’s response?


“Well because she doesn’t need one.”



Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Friday, December 3, 2010 8:28 AM NZT
Friday, March 26, 2010
May Your Colon Be Filled With Concrete
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Muse

So one morning at work I experienced a complete and utter catastrophic  failure and the full on melt down of my lower intestinal tract and perhaps a fair portion of my upper as well.

First, I had rumblings. Disturbing rumblings. Ominous rumblings.  Cue scary music. It sounded like a pachinko machine in my pants and not in the good way. Some shivers, a little chill and then I heard the dreaded gut gurgle. You know the one that sounds like a cement truck dumping a huge load of cement down a sewer pipe? Load after load after…well you get the picture. So after about a zillion trips zipping to the bathroom, I take my spasming lower gastrointestinal tract home so I can spare myself and my innocent coworkers.

I’m cruising home making excellent time, as rampant diarrhea is quite the motivator, when it’s time to cue the scary music again. Oh crap! Emergency crap! Now? But I’m almost home! OH! OH! NOW!

When in 5 alarm exploding ass emergency mode, beggars can’t be choosers.  My victim? McDonald’s. Closest fast food restaurant available AKA the quasi anonymous bathroom.

I came to a sliding stop in the first available parking space. Frantically, I tried to wrestle open the bottle of Big Lots brand Imodium and chewed some down in a last ditch attempt to stop the impending disaster. No such luck. As I tried to hurriedly exit the not quite capped bottle fell forward in my purse and pills spilled all over the seat. Fuck it kid, I thought, shoving the bottle down or you’ll have far bigger problems. With that, I frantically raced into Mickey Ds.

I performed a half ass check of the stalls as I flew in. NO ONE! Hurrah! I slammed into a stall, ripped off my pants and fell onto the toilet, barely making it. I strained for all I was worth with my foot planted under the other stall like a Republican Congressional member in airport men’s room. Think gawd awful straining, groaning, muscle contracting, grunting horrificness of horrificness and you have it.

At some point I hit OMFGKM stage AKA OMFG…Kill Me! That is where the puckered starfish can take no more and you feel like you’ve passed a small steer complete with horns and cloven hooves. Where you’re Lamaze breathing and gently dabbing around the burning ring of fire.

That’s when it happened. The worst thing happened. The worst thing ever. As in movie script hideously, unbelievably awful. That’s when I heard an old quavering voice ask “Dearie, are you okay?” as I watched little support hose encrusted legs hit the ground in the handicapped stall next to me. I started to laugh or cry or some bizzaro in between combination of the two. This was just the icing I needed to cap off this little cupcake of a day. I had just subjected someone’s poor innocent little Nana to my vicious colon blow.

Feeling 12 shades of wretched and now embarrassed, I thanked her for her concern and assured her that contrary to what she had unfortunately just witnessed, all of my internal organs were indeed still inside me.  After she made her better late than never escape, I surreptitiously made mine or as stealthily and ninja-like as I could  barely able to walk without wincing.

I got to my car and realized that in my intestine-fueled hysteria, I'd left the windows down. My alarm hadn’t gone off but I still checked and all appeared golden upon a quick perusal. Assorted contents and change in love box and armrest. Check. Red aluminum water bottle. Check. Wildlife Rehab badge. Check. Pumping Kidney Stones on a Saturday Night mix cd. Check. Assorted grot. Check. Big Lots brand Immodium. Hmmmm. No check. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Are you freaking kidding me? Seriously? Seriously. I literally blow in and out of Mc Dump-and-Run in less than 10 minutes and someone reached in and snaked the spilled pills off my seat!

I sat there for a second wondering what in the jiggy fug all the world was coming to before I wearily started Hi-Ho and sped home to my own comfortingly familiar porcelain and the eventual suppression of my gastrointestinal uprising.

It wasn’t until the next morning as I dragged my wrung out self to the office that it hit me. Those fucktards stole the freaking knock off Imodiums because they thought they were something else! I know, slow on the uptake.  I grabbed a pill and sure enough, the knock off stuff had just an identification stamp not a name. At first glance it looked rather like Valium. A whole bunch of lovely free Valium apparently.

Somehow I doubt my ghetto pill thief checked the Physician’s Desktop Reference before he took some. In fact, I hope he took quite a few. I can’t tell you how much I relish that thought! I hope you didn’t poop for weeks you rotten little thieving bastard!

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Friday, March 26, 2010 4:40 PM NZD
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Things I learned while perusing/cruising/self-amusing recently on Craigslist
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Paramour

·         I’m old. Otherwise, I would understand a smattering of the acronyms used in the ever comical personal ads. I have no idea what ‘DHM bff WSP looking for same’ means and nor will I ever be horribly motivated to really inform myself. Besides, there are just no acronyms for some of the truly icky weirdness out there. <Shudder> A reminder that sometimes Purell is a very good thing.


·         There is no such thing as, and I quote, “rustic contemporary” style.  A laser cut grizzly made out of stainless steel? No. An iron chaise lounge painted with a howling coyote? No. A rustic split log headboard with mirrors and brushed nickel hardware? Seriously? No. there is nothing.


·         Every late-early 60s for days item you are trying to hock cannot be described or explained away as “Eames era-vintage”. Sometimes an ugly brass wall hanging is just an ugly brass wall hanging.


·         Apparently some guy is selling a pair of iron candle holders with “Foe Petina.” I kid you not. Sounds like a Latin skin fungus or perhaps a rookie NFL player.

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Friday, March 26, 2010 4:39 PM NZD
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The Art of Silence
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Rise Against

How not to sneak into bed after saying "I'll be there in a second" and then staying up way too late watching countless hours of forensic tv:

Turn off lights, run knee into table, swear loudly something that sounds kind of like "Motherofassfeckingdamnitalltohellinahandbasketmo-mo-sucotash!", trip over a dog, let loose a huge fart and then get a bad case of hysterical shit giggles.

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 2:05 PM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Curry Done Me In
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Hawthorne Heights

Ah, some would say there’s nothing like a good curry. Ok, yes, there are things that are better than a good curry but we’re not addressing those items right now.



Curry’s yummy. So is sausage. So is chili con carne. So are a whole host of other foods that will come back to haunt me after consumption. What can I say? Sometimes you just want what you want and are willing to deal with the space shuttle sized ‘after burn’ effects.



When I was younger, I had far more gut tolerance AKA the cast iron stomach. I would eat tacos from the street vendors in Mexico and buy gyros from the dude on the corner in London and pappas from the little old ladies in the street in Spain. Back then, I suffered nary an ill effect other than a little after burpidge. Sad to say, those days are long gone. I now stock antacids or I’m a sad little camper. Done in by Colonel Mustard with the curry in the drawing room and all that.


Thing is though I despise the chalky texture and taste. It’s like trying to gag down a dry wall wafer at communion in Hell.



I was wandering around Walgreens when I spotted a new antacid, Xcid, from the makers of Xicam. Trustworthy brand. Hey, it’s orange creamcicle flavored and it’s a gel! WOOHOO! I grabbed it and decided to give it a try.



Fast forward a few nights to the curry ‘incident’ as it shall henceforth now be known. Mmmmmm. Curry. I was craving it and I indulged.



Fast forward again a few hours to say, 2am. I woke in a panic. Liquid fire was barreling like a freight train up my throat. Uh-oh.



I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Time to try the new stuff! I grabbed it out the medicine chest and squirted a dose into my mouth.



Hmmmm. Odd. It didn’t taste like creamcicle, orange or otherwise. In fact, my mouth started to go numb and my tongue felt oily and weird. What the? I flipped on the lights and looked at the tube I held.



Was it orange creamcicle Xcid by the makers of Xicam? That would be a big ol’ negatory. What I held in my hand was, in fact, the similarly sized tube of Miracle Heel Repair Cream.


Yeah. Can I just tell you how fast I spit that out? Didn’t work on my heartburn but boy was my tongue moisturized, conditioned and protected.





Posted by azcoolchick0 at 6:04 PM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, May 8, 2009
For Love of the Swine Flu
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Blackbeards Ghost

Have we had enough mass hysteria yet? Is there really a need for the daily front page body count at this point?


I'll tell you what, if I hear any more freaking people freaking out over the 'swine flu', they won't have to worry about dying from it because I will kill them first! Seriously. I have a handbag and I know how to use it!


Come on people! There's a chick at my office who is an all too willing harbinger of doom. If a tragedy or the possibility of one is happening anywhere, she is running around going office to office with the news like some overraught jewish grandmother in the burg. "I got the chills when I heard I tell you." Really? Puh-leeze!


While I agree that it's good to be prepared and have the ability to be pro-active versus reactive, this is insane. The World Health Organization has declared threat level violet purple phase 5: return to the ship or some such thing based on research. What research you ask? Well, research from Merke. You know, the international developer, manufacturer and distributor of pharmaceuticals. No conflict of interest there. Methinks they are crying swine!


And where has all the hysteria gotten us? Apparently smack dab in the middle of some pulp fiction sci fi pandemic flick. Do you have a compromised immune system? Then stop worrying. It's just flu. Wash your hands like the public service announcements say and step away from the tv folks!


Don't make me put on my bacon suit!

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:17 PM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, May 9, 2009 11:38 AM NZD
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Favorite Random Things of the Moment
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Muse

These are the things that are currently making my heart go *giggity, giggity*....not too hard to do with a dodgy ticker.  

  • Crush: Sully my cat
  • Read: The Poison of Kaan: The Hollow Bettle
  • Concert Experience: G Love & Special Sauce
  • Awesome Old Movie Re-watch: Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  • Listen: The new Nine Inch Nails
  • Buy: Cool Dragonfly brand t-shirts $4 each
  • Smell: Febreeze Morocco
  • Product: Beyond Basics Ginger conditioner
  • Beer: Mamba (South Africa)

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 2:55 PM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, April 15, 2009 3:11 PM NZD
When is a Douche Bag a Twat AKA More Tales From the Road
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Avenged Sevenfold

I was running late to work the other day so I was hauling along in the suicide lane when....

Complete stop just a few blocks from work. A complete stop and I can see nothing. 15 minutes later, I still see nothing. Not only do I not see anything up ahead, I have not moved more than a few feet forward.


I turned into the local hood for Mr. Toad's wild ride through the ghetto with 12 gazillian other fellow commuters when some jackass in a pickup pulling a dog grooming trailer (complete with said company's name and phone number) comes tearing up the street on my right side as if to cut into the line ahead of the rest of us. Me thinkest not.

He put on his left turn blinker and cuts in front of me. I honk at him. Just a brief tap. I wasn't really all that irritated as I was yakking on the phone and what's one more car in line right? Turns out, he didn't cut in front of me. He actually pulled all the way through to the left into the 1950's style motel apartments and parked.

I was still on the phone when I heard "Fuck you!"

I looked over and realized it was Mr. Pet Groomer standing outside his apartment and it was directed at me!

So hoping to disarm him or at least lull him into a false sense of security, I gave him a big ol' cheesy smile and the Fonz thumb 'cuz it's all good people. It seemed that Mr. Pet Groomer took umbrage with Henry Winkler characters as he was not amused. Go figure.

 "Fuck you Bitch!" 


Wow! Now that was completely unnecessary but now you know of course I can't let it go. ‘Whatever....twat!' I replied giggling.

His jaw dropped like an anvil. "You're a fucking bitch!"

Hey now, that's a good one! ‘Original....twat!' I replied laughing.

He was completely livid by then and screamed "You're a fucking cunt!" and walked back into his apartment, slamming the door.

I shout after him ‘Nice craphole apartment....twat!' and cracked up!

So I moved on down the road still laughing and hooting. It was almost my time to turn when I saw him in my side mirror, smoking a cigarette and gesticulating wildly, pointing my way.

I can't resist. I leaned out the window and yelled back ‘TWAT!'

Oh to be a fly on the wall!

He's just lucky he didn't get a call asking for a quote to groom 2 dirty dogs....TWAT!

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, April 15, 2009 3:06 PM NZD
Monday, March 16, 2009
Tis the Season for Babies!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: MGMT - Kids

It's that time again. spring nesting season and the time when we start getting tons of orphan babies at the rehab center.

We received a baby hummingbird yesterday who fell out of his nest. Unfortunately, the nest was too high up to put the baby bird back in (which is what you should ALWAYS do when you find one).

Here he is taking sugar water from a syringe.






















Abba and Titus, two of our Barn Owl permanent residents and foster parents, have hatched out several babies. The picture's not too good as she was hissing like crazy and ready to protect her nest.





























Hogan, another permanent resident foster parent, is a Great Horned Owl. She has her first orphan baby of the season and couldn't be happier although she still went for my face when I brought the mice chunks to her! Her baby has the same attitude, which is good. We try really hard to raise vicious and crabapple babies so they will survive in the wild when we release them later.



























He looks like a Furby with constipation.


This means my free time will be seriously impeded soon as I volunteer to feed orphan baby songbirds (like the hummingbird) which means every 15-30 minutes in 4-hour shifts!

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 5:07 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, May 9, 2009 11:41 AM NZD
Monday, March 9, 2009
I Did It All For The Bacon
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Katy Perry ? Hot n Cold

So when I came home the other night, there was an ‘oops sorry we missed you' notice on my door.


WOOHOO! It's the Bacon of the Month club! Best Christmas present I ever got outside of my wine fridge. Does my sister rock or what?!


I eagerly call them up to reschedule delivery and they tell me my new month of bacon will arrive at Noon!


After another five episodes of Peabody & Sherman, the doorbell rings.


WOOHOO! The meat candy has arrived!


Dogs a-barking, I fling open the door and there is random delivery guy with the box. The magic box covered in cartoon pigs and stamped all over with ‘Bacon of the Month Club'.


I eagerly reach out to grab it.


"I need to see your ID please."




"I need to see your ID please."




"I have to verify you're over 21."


But why?


"The confirmation receipt requires the signee to be over 21"


Come on! Even on a fabulous day I really don't see myself failing to appear to be over 21.


 "The confirmation receipt requires the signee to be over 21"


Wow. I had no idea there was an age of consent for bacon.


Today I was carded....for bacon.


Welcome to my world.

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 4:08 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Bunny and a Chain Saw?.Two Bits!
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: NIN The Slip

So when we feed the owls, we have to hack up dead things. Pinkies (you don’t even want to know), mice, rats, really big rats, chicks, chickens, elk, quail, and on and on.

I bring in my own pinking shears as thanks to my sister, I can actually cut my fingers off with them now.

I get there and Jane asks if I can help prep some eagle food. Apparently the gal who hacks up the bunnies didn’t show and they wondered if I could step in.

Yeah, they don’t know me. Anyone who does know me knows that sharp things AKA knives, band saws, darts, toe nail clippers, fish hooks, toothpicks, and on and on pretty much hurt me if they are in the general vicinity. What can I say? I maim easily.

So needless to say the idea of me, a band saw and a bunch of dead bunnies? Not happening! I don’t ever want to be that example of shop safety failure!

My first thought though? Not my safety.

“Wow. Isn’t that really messy?”

Dead silence.

‘Uh Meg, they’re frozen.”

Oh. Duh.

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 1:59 PM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Sunday, March 8, 2009 2:11 PM NZD
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Of Lotto Drawings and Pepper Spray
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Rise Against - Audience of One

So a few weeks ago, I was on my way home after feeding the owls when I remembered I needed to buy a Powerball ticket. Something that I do whenever it reaches a 3 digit jackpot…live a little, spend a buck.


I pulled into a Quickie Mart with a good lottery ‘vibe’ to it. I know, I’m a fucking hippie but whatever.


I realized - no cash! ARGH! And they don’t take cards of any kind for tickets—can’t be encouraging gambling outside of the numerous Indian casinos, but I digress.


I scrambled for change. Bottom of the purse? Check! Floor of car? Check! Console? Check! I rounded up a whole bunch of change out of the console. Brushed the fuzzies and snarg off of it.


I dashed into the store with a fistful of change. Me, the oh so dreaded unrolled coin customer. I apologized right off to the clerk because I am well aware that I am ‘that person’.


“I am so sorry about the change! Please don’t hate me!”


Clerk: “Too late, I already do.”


Erm. Wow. Feel the simmering USPS style rage hiding under jackass man.


He counted all 100 brazillian or so of dirty crusty coins and then grimaced and handed me my ticket. I bailed, oh so eager to make my escape.


Then Karma or just a rather unfortunate series of events unfolded.


I got in the car and started her up.


What is that hissing noise? Oh hey now! What is that smell?


OH NO GODAMMIT IT’S NOT! It’s the mother fucking air conditioner! Freon is leaking out! Oh figures! The fucking thing just went out of warranty! Of course! Mother fucking fucking car! Just a total crazy cat lady f-bomb ranty!


Sputtering, I flipped the air off, put all the windows down and headed for home seriously pissed off! I cannot believe this shit!


I tore down the road with clouds of fumes pouring out the windows.  I was seriously tearing up and coughing and that’s while hanging my head out the window like a dazed and slobbering Golden Retriever.


Oh no! I will not be poisoned by Freon!


I pulled into a parking lot, turned off the car and jumped out.


Hack. Cough. Wheeze. Gag. Cry. Repeat numerous times. My eyes were like fountains. OH MY GOD! I was in misery!


Then why was I still hear hissing? Where was it coming from? I ventured closer back towards the car. Wait a minute or un minuten biten if you’re German. The hissing seemed to be coming from the console.


I opened it and BAM! I realized the hissing noise was not my now out of warranty air conditioner leaking Freon. Oh no, it had to be pepper spray. Yes, pepper spray. You know, the pepper spray that’s been in the console for 3 long years awaiting my eventual carjacker who’ll I’ll later i.d. on an edition of Cops.


Well, on the bright side if I had used it on carjackers instead of myself, it actually would have worked. Would have.


But, I didn’t.


After turning my non-Freon leaking functioning air conditioner on to blow out the interior, I made my blurry and coughing way home. Where I immediately washed my face and then Googled ‘Pepper Spray” to see if I needed to go to the hospital as I was seriously wheezing, gagging and half blinded at that point.


According to what I believe I read on Google, if I was having ‘labored’ breathing then yes, I should go to the hospital and be treated with Oxygen. Hmmmm. Saturday night. Emergency room. $150 Co-pay. Endless wait. Screaming children. And what exactly is the definition of ‘labored’ anyway? Would taking really big breaths and holding them count as oxygen treatment? I thought so.


I decided that I was okay enough. A cold beer and a hot bath are pretty much always the miracle cure for me so I went with it.


14 hours later I felt almost normal. No burning eyes and just a little hard cough left.


And guess what? Guess how much I won on that lottery ticket that started it all?


You know it!


Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada.



Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Sunday, March 8, 2009 2:14 PM NZD
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Tisket A Tasket Pop Finally Blows a Gasket
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Rise Against ? An Audience of One

So it happened. Finally. Pop blew a gasket. You know what I mean. Completely lost his monkey and snapped! Twaaaaaaaang! And not at me—go figure!


It happened over the extended Hell that was Thanksgiving this year.


I think we all snapped. I know I did. I actually refused to spend the week before Thanksgiving on vacation cleaning my house to a point where mom would then approve of the cleanliness level.


I finally realized that I could have a finely trained drill team of international Housekeepers of the Year Award recipients (oh think of the uniforms they’d have!) scour the house for weeks and she would still find a dog hair…or twelve.


To use one of the most overused phrases of 2008 and to pretty much paraphrase last year, it is what it is. I cleaned as much as I wanted to and then said screw it. And I did. Instead of cleansing like a crazed Guatemalan (I was going to say anally cleansed or cleansed anally but really neither phrasing works for me in the least) I drank beer, read books and generally chillaxed instead.


So mom, take that! Ha! Oh and I have been….taking that that is! I hear about it EVERY time we speak. EVERY time. Seriously. My dusty house not only caused mom’s ongoing sinus/upper respiratory/allergen-driven/creeping crud but now also has given her Type II Diabetes! I’ve even made my sister sick as apparently the dust from my house blew to another state and infected her as well! And to think I waste this natural dust ‘talent’. I could take over any of the Third World D-list countries in say…40 years or so at this rate!


Anywho, pop had the seriously unmitigated gall to pour himself a glass of wine at 3pm. Personally I was rather proud of him for the ‘in your face’ drink. Shocked, but proud, the old guy had put it out there. Brave man. Oh who’s kidding—stupid man. Den gets crazed when anyone has a drink. A drink. Of Any kind,


And much like Alcohol Beverage Control and an underage purchaser--Denny struck!


On and on and on. It was a mélange of high pitched shrieks including “David” “Alcohol” “3pm” and other words gobble, gobble, gobble…


As I’m sitting with her on the couch, I try to divert her back to me.




On and on and on. It was a mélange of high pitched shrieks including “David” “Alcohol” “3pm” and you get it…


I finally divert her attention off of pop and his purloined 4oz tumbler of premium box wine and back to me when…..


Cue dramatic music.


As mom turned back to me, I saw pop scowl and flip her off. Yes. You heard me. Flipped her off. Behind her back. And not really with a fully extended finger. More of a knuckle jab just in case he had to come up with a viable excuse but still. My 71 year old pop was surreptitiously flipping mom the bird. Classic on soooo many levels! 


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh I so couldn’t wait to tell my sister!


OMG! Pop fully flipped Den off! Well, not fully. I repeat the story and do the scowly face and the soft knuckle bird impression.


General hilarity ensued, as it’s bound to do, and it was the underground saying of Thanksgiving AKA ‘Cocknuckle’ AKA the barely there bird.


COCKNUCKLE!!!!!!! (Scream it like you would ‘Sparta!’ if you were one-- it’s kind of fun…)

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 8:06 PM NZT | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, January 23, 2009
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Paramore - Decode

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine the other day about New Year’s resolutions. She, like many peeps, is pledging to lose weight this year.


She said “Know how I knew I needed to lose weight? ‘Cuz nothing says ‘fat girl’ like scratching your belly and finding…cookie dough."


Um. Yeah. I got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.



Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZT | Post Comment | Permalink
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
When I Find Myself in Times of Trouble
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: New Dez Mix so ROCKS

I tend to go underground when I’m stressing or under duress. My friends get this. If I want to talk to you, I answer your call. But try texting first and by all means don’t drop by unexpectedly unless you are simply dropping provisions off door or curbside. Just need to be alone right now. I know all shades of Garbo but what can I say? I vant to be alone!  

So how am I spending my numbed out ‘can’t handle anything else right now’ time? Watching movies. Lots and lots of movies. 

  • Monty Python & The Holy Grail
  • Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
  • Better Off Dead
  • Young Frankenstein
  • The Incredibles
  • Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
  • Trading Spaces
  • The Little Mermaid
  • Mrs. Doubtfire
  • Foul Play
  • 1941
  • Mars Attacks 
  • Alice in Wonderland

Notice a pattern? Yeah…

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, September 24, 2008 3:21 PM NZD
Friday, September 19, 2008
Trying to Catch a Deluge in a Paper Cup
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: the sound of my own laboured breathing

The old adage or appropriate truism, call it what you will, is that when it rains, it pours. Yes it does rather and crap comes in 3s. My week has been a 3-pack of shit. I am really hoping the 3rd shoe has dropped as I'm at the end of my capacity to deal right about now. Seriously done.  


One. Looking at all shades of cardio tests next week-

Two. Had to put my cat, Kato, to sleep Wednesday-

Three. Had to put my horse, Big, down this afternoon- 


I'm off to a scalding hot bath and a long cry for me Argentina. I'd really lurve to get tanked but the BP meds apparently don't hold hands and sing Kum-Ba-Yah well with booze. It's been a horrible week and I'd really hate to end up stew with the dogs having to eat me to stay alive and such.

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, September 20, 2008 2:06 PM NZD
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Beware the Agapanthus
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Gomez

So I’ve been having some rather scary unexplained health dealios lately. Chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, pins and needles, sweaty as a two bit whore, word retrieval issues, out of breath, dizzy and a whole host of other fun stuff! Started a few weeks ago, and my Spatchmo man gene required that I ignore it and tough it out as I had a major event coming.


Major event comes and I am a puddle of icy sweat, can’t catch my breath and my hands and feet are asleep. Whoops. Apparently, I have let this go too far. Rubbing some dirt in it isn’t going to cut it this time for recovery purposes.


Off to the doc I head. I won’t go in to all the details of the ride thus far but there have been some humorous bits in amongst the drama and trauma.


My cardio doctor thinks I’m insane. I’m used to dealing with my regular doc who doesn’t flinch when I say things like “sweaty as a whore”. He just deletes the entry in his notes and laughs and laughs and laughs. After 9 years together, he gets me. I like that.


So anywho I’m telling the cardio doctor about how totally bloated I’ve been and that I had horrible fluid build up in my legs and feet – edema. They looked like bed ridden granny feet. Either that or a side of boiled pork hocks. Blech! He examines them and says “There’s very little build up here.” And I tell him that’s because I got it to go down. He asks how. I say “I just got on my back and put my legs above my head.”


His lazy eye focused sharply in on me with that statement.


‘Oh I only wish I did it that way!’ I snort


The eye stares.


Erm. I mean I uh. Shite. I uh massaged them to get the blood flow going and figured gravity would help the effort? Timidly smiles.


Now my doc would have been crying with laughter, shaking his head and thoroughly enjoying himself. I am his favorite patient. He wishes he ran into me outside the office “like in the vegetable aisle at the market”.


I’ll be sure to tell him about it next time. He’ll still laugh until he cries.


Off to bed and lipid tests tomorrow. Wish I didn’t almost keel over every 3 steps. Shites getting old apparently much like I am.


Remember kids—getting old is not for sissies!

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 6:44 PM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Monday, September 15, 2008
Favorite Tunes Du Jour
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Dur

Here are a few of the tunes du jour AKA tunes I play over and over until I hate them and find new ones....

Audioslave - I am the Highway

Pearls that swim the rift of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow I feel
For anything I feel yea

I am not your rolling wheels
I am a highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars
Don’t wait for me
Cause I’ll get on
All by myself
Put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the sky here
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
The night

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet rag
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn
I am the night

Shinedown - Second Chance 


My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out Today

I just saw Hayley's Comet she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the Moon disappears
somewhere in the Stratosphere"

[ Chorus ]
Tell my mother,
tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry,
I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye
is a second chance

Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today

I just saw Hayley's Comet she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the Moon disappears
somewhere in the Stratosphere"

[ Chorus ]
Tell my mother,
tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry,
I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye
is a second chance

Here is my chance
This is my chance

[ Chorus ]
Tell my mother,
tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry,
I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye
is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Tuesday, September 16, 2008 6:45 PM NZD
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Ecce potestas casei
Now Playing: AC/DC

What is up with all of the drug ads on tv lately? It's like every other annoying ad is for some random ailment or another. We the great medicated of America. Rather like the old pharmacist shtick that racist fucktard Kramer guy from Seinfeld used to do on the old comedy show ‘Fridays' back in the 80s (ABC's attempt at a Saturday Night Live esque variety show). Yes, I know he has a real name but we all know him as Kramer so why bother really?


‘Feeling poorly? Don't suffer! Take a pill! Life getting you down? Can't handle it? Take a pill! Dog run away? Neighbor's kid too ugly? Take a pill!!'


Classic that but I digress.


I'm all for home doctoring and I am rather a hypochondriac by nature, but come on folks! The ads are so vague!


‘Do you sometimes suffer from feelings of sadness, anger, jocularity, hunger, melancholy, remorse, stupidity, fear, loathing, insomnia, frequent urination, or sudden urges for cheese?'


Erm, doesn't everyone at some point or another? Especially cheese! They don't say 'behold the power of cheese' without good reason!


'Then Baboron sulfer fulmide ES can help!'


What I find quite scary are the possible ‘mild' side affects. Side affects that include lovely things like hemorrhaging, seizures, blindness, weeping lesions, and excess hair growth on your palms. Wait, that's caused by something else....nevermind.


Anywho I would have to have something really fecking debilitating in order to go with any of those side affects! Seriously! I would have to have chronic inflamatory albino leprosy or some such dramatic multisyllabic illness thingy.


I mean I might put up with the possibility of a headache, dry mouth, sleepiness, sleeplessness, etc. but crazy serious stuff? Never! I wouldn't even try those creepy fat free potato chips made with OlestraTM as they could apparently cause you anal leakage.


Yeah. No thanks. Not even a consideration. Save me from anal leakage!


And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.....

Posted by azcoolchick0 at 12:01 AM NZD | Post Comment | Permalink

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