Rolling with the Homies
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: ABBA

The other night I was at a ‘gathering’ where I proceeded to consume 5 or so (heavy emphasis on the ‘or so’) Manhattans which totally leveled me. Reducing me to feeling like the muck left at the bottom of the plastic cup (that originally held the drink I laughingly called ‘pussy juice’ due to the maraschino cherries contained within) that at some point during the course of the overly long evening, turned into an ashtray for the drunken mongrel hordes.  

After many hours of dancing, drinking and tambourine playing (it’s my thang now) I rolled home around 2am. By 5am, I was stumbling blindly around my house in search of the Demi-God of North America AKA caffeine. I was in the office, looking rather perky if I do say so, by 7am. Looking perky, but feeling like 12 shades of total ass! If history has taught me anything, it’s that on days like this it's just better to go back to bed. Unless you have a speaking engagement at a major conference….yeah. Once again, I raise my voice in a fervent prayer of thanks to the Gods of Excedrin and Red Bull. Boo-ya!

Men - you can't live with them and if you kill them it's one more mess you gotta clean.
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Killing Joke

Why is it that whenever someone tells you “Don’t worry—I won’t be a stalker” that’s exactly what happens? Can they just disappear? No. Instead? Total freak out, meltdown, drooling like an animal, checking your blog & MySpace page daily, flinging feces at unsuspecting pedestrians…

Two Things
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: UB40
So what can I say? I am totally addicted to these damn MySpace bulletins! You know I can never be serious unless faced with a required adult serious situation. So here's another random one for you...


Two Names You Go By:
1. Nutmeg
2. Ruby

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Pasties
2. Wolverine pelt

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. A midget
2. Shadow puppets

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Collecting belly button lint
2. Playing bloody knuckles

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. A pony
2. For a totally nekkid Jensen Ackles to appear under my desk

Two pets you had/have:
1. A rock
2. Mr. Jingles the sock puppet

Two people who will fill this out:
1. Heather, because she already did
2. Deirdre because she’s funny as all get out with snarky answers

Two things you did last night:
1. Greco-Roman wrestled
2. Established an ant farm

Two People that you talk to everyday:
1. Myself
2. The other voices in my head

Two things you ate today:
1. Head cheese
2. Real menudo (is there any other kind?)

Two people you last spoke to in person
1. The tranny at the Starbucks drive through
2. My ventriloquist doll

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Camel trekking in Nepal
2. Building a suspension bridge using only Chiclets and Red Vines

Two longest car rides:
1. Any with my mother
2. Any with my mother

Two favorite Alcoholic beverages:
1. Rubbing alcohol
2. Only 2? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings for being left out, so I won’t answer this

Two favorite people right now:
1. Kim Jong Il if he were tits up
2. Mr. Goodbar

Two favorite sayings:
1. I’m all shades of________ (fill in the blank)
2. Jeezy Creezy!

Two people you want to visit:
1. The Dali Lama
2. Santa Claus

Two times you've cried recently:
1. During an international coffee commercial last night
2. When I executed a triple firkin from the top of a 6 ft ladder and so did not stick my landing

Two things you're worrying about:
1. Will the Coyote ever catch the Roadrunner
2. The rising cost of okra

Two songs you've listened to recently:
1. The Gregorian chant version of Rod Stewart’s ‘If You Think I’m Sexy”
2. Eddie Murphy 'Party All the Time'

It's a Family Reunion Thang
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: America
So a few weekends ago, I went to the Spatchmo family reunion (dad’s relatives)….in Yuma! The cousins were flying in from around the country—Hawaii, Michigan, etc. so I had to be there even though it meant cancelling pre-existing plans that I am still trying to kiss up and make better. Oy! My feet were a wreck so I headed over and got a pedicure. The minute I arrive at the hotel and see my parents, my mom looks down and says “Your toenails are sooo long!” and I say “I like them that way mom—the better to decimate termite mounds.” She sniffs and says “Must be nice to be able to afford a pedicure. I buy all my jeans at Good Will.” (NOTE: This is the woman who claimed that she and pop were “destitute” while they were in the middle of a $40,000 kitchen remodel—yeah, I wanna be that kind of destitute!) I totally lie and say “Mom, I didn’t get a pedicure, I did it myself” and she replies “Well, it does look like a monkey painted them.” OH YEAH!!! You just can’t win! 

Nutshell recap of the remainder of my weekend?

-Went to Mexico --the cousins and I bought a lot of cheap booze (or should I say bought a lot of booze cheap) Tried to barter to buy an underage cabana boy but his mother wanted far too many pesos for him

 

-Sandrailed

-Did a semi-polar bear swim by hopping into the canal in order to wash off the dirt and sand (from sandrailing) It was filty and probably contaminated by God knows what, but as buzzed as we all were, I think we were pretty impervious to disease

-Played a mean tambourine for the family sing a long (my sister & I the only ones on my dad's side of the family that don't play an actual musical instrument as apparently my air drums don't count)

-drank, drank, drank, drunk

-Went to Chretins for Mexican food (gramps dropped dead in the parking lot there after dinner one night almost 20 years ago) Watched my cousin Timmy pull a pair of chaps down from the display on the wall and proceed to do his best John Wayne impression (as Sheriff John T. Chance in Rio Bravo) Mind you, cousin Tim is a serious triathelete and owns an organic coffee company in Hawaii--says a lot about what Padron can do to you

 

-Went to Karaokes at a local bar (quelle horror)
-Sang a duet with my cousin Andy's wife, Meredith. It was 38 Special "Hold on Loosely". My cousins Tim and Zach accompanied us on their 4 ft Didgeridoos. I 'played' my trusty tambourine. Can I say the bar patrons were impressed to say the least!

-Went swimming at the hotel until 4 am playing silent Marco Polo-don’t ask it’s a Spatchmo thing involving lots of underwater flatulence and hand signals

-Got up at 6am to have coffee with my dad, realized that my hand were beyond sore and my hips were covered in bruises from my apparently far too overenthusiastic tambourine playing

-Made bananas foster crepes for 20 for breakfast

 

-Had a whip cream war with my namesake second cousin, she’s 12 and she won

-Drove home but not before getting lost in Yuma trying to find the freeway after I disregarded pop’s directions to stop in at the local Big Lots

Mind you, these are just the salient 'high' points of the trip... 

Questions Asked and Answered
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Johnny Cash

I got this bulletin from a friend of mine on MySpace--so here ya' go--enjoy! 

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship?
Anal leakage

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
This morning I had Paco, my Venezuelan house boy/butler/bodyguard, shave them and trim the hedge for me….soooo dirty

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Coming up with a viable action plan for world peace

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Fine tuning it

5. Are you good at math?
I had a 790 verbal and a 460 math score on the SATs—so needless to say—I suck at math

6. Your prom night?
Which one? They all kind of blur together into a blinding montage of tacky dresses and Mexican pimp style tuxedos

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
President McKinley and the dude who invented Post It Notes—just kidding just President McKinley

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for sex?
I haven’t had to pay for sex, but will keep that option in mind in case that situation ever rears its ugly head

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
It’s not so much a song, but a farting contest between Peter Griffin and Michael Moore

10. Last thing received in the mail?
Alas, it wasn’t porn

11. How many different beverages have you consumed today?
Coffee, water, wine, milk, vodka and Acai juice-they make a potent aphrodisiac

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
Uh yeah—otherwise they see on caller ID that I called and hung up and I become what I most loathe—a stalker!

13. First Concert?
The Cars and The Motels in 8^th grade. I was sleeping over at Nicky Castleberry’s house and we went with her skank whore groupie of an older sister. I wasn’t allowed to go and got busted by my parents resulting in being grounded for 6 weeks but I got the super cool baseball-style concert tshirt (like my parents wouldn’t have noticed that item!)

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, I much prefer to build rude sand sculptures and freak out small children and their parents

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
The unexpected free pelvis exam I received while getting a root canal 

16. What is out your back door?
My ass cheeks and a tattoo that says ‘No entry’

17. Any plans for Friday night?
I fell off of a ladder—can’t plan any worse than that

18. Do you like the ocean?
What’s not to like? It’s wet and salty....kind of like other things

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn?
It's called the gift that totally sucks ass but makes you popular with your coworkers when you share

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Gotta love those Pink Floyd laser light shows while under the influence

21. Something you are excited about?
I heard from this guy, who knows this girl, who has a cousin, whose second cousin is related to that 5th dentist I bitch about....well rumor has it, he will break down and finally recommend Trident

22. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Vodka

23. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Not for years. I still miss the Yatzee and the Sunkist fruit gels

24. Describe your keychain
A giant carabiner in case I ever need to repel to safety

25. Where do you keep your change?
On my bedroom floor, in my couch and ironically my prom dress from 1984

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
My AA group is pretty large

27. What kind of winter coat do you have?
I think the more appropriate question is what kind of winter coat don’t I own

28. What was the weather like on your graduation?
It was raining mice--seriously

Of Lippizzaners and AssCrack....Part II
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Yes

So I’m sure some of you were wondering what exactly was behind the title of ‘Of Lippizzaners and Ass Crack’….well here is the condensed version.

 

So that Sunday, I went to see the Lippizzaner stallion show. Way cool. Being a horse fanatic it makes sense that I would want to check this out. Especially seeing that I have never gone to see them perform before. Something about a bunch of studs, complete with junk, dancing and jumping around makes for good entertainment. Horses that is….

 

I go to sit down and VOILA! I see crack. Not just crack—ginormous Krakatoa crack! Who the Hell goes to a public event and wears low rider pants so that when you sit down, the unfortunate bitch behind you has to see the full moon for the 3 hours? Apparently the nasty 50-something hag sitting in front of me dressed as if she was heading to Dos Gringos at ASU for Happy Hour. As if someone could get drunk enough to mistake her for a 20-something. 40 is the new 20—not 50!

 

I just could not look away from her own personal Grand Canyon all the while fervently wishing for a giant container of spackle! I was beyond tempted to try to see if another one of my Lee Press On Toenails would fling off into the abyss that was this woman’s ass crack!

I Believe AKA Celebrity Gossip
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Elizium

I believe that George Clooney is not actively gay but is in fact a closet case and has sex with so many women in the attempt to try to convince himself otherwise. That he is so inept in bed he never sleeps with the same woman more than a few times. That he told Celine Balitran that they should "save it for marriage" and she finally got frustrated and left. That he was in love with Mark Wahlberg who didn't return his affection.

Just Who is 'But Rash'?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Hank Williams Jr

Some of you may have noticed an unexplained posting under 'Of Lippazanners & Ass Crack Part I'. Just who is this mysterious 'But Rash' and why does he want to fuck my couch? The entire comment is:

"fuck you and yur couch bitch" Puzzling to say the least!

Could it be this guy? Hmmmm....doubtful as the 'Shocker' would be rather hard to perform on a couch as most of them are orifice free unless an asshole happens to be sitting on one.

Or could it be this guy?

In which case what's with the hate Mr. Poopy? Sounds like someone needs a hug! And how can you harsh on your namesake couch little man?

MySpace Baby!
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Rise Against

I am finding that MySpace is proving even more amusing than Craig’s List. I finally broke down under duress from Deb (who else?) and created a profile on MySpace. I really have to learn how to buck peer pressure! 

So if you want to check out my profile on MySpace, look for AZ Cool Chick or go to:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseactionfiltered=user.viewprofile&friendid=7429016  

Feel free to add me as a friend although I warn you now that most of the folks listed as my friends I know in ‘real’ life. If your handle is “I Want a Real Woman” (yes, he’s on there and has emailed me) or “Pirate Booty Call” or something else of that ilk, I warn you now I may not add you unless you are hilariously funny or smokingly hot. Looks and personality can sometimes overcome uber creepiness. Sometimes. Besides, I just don’t need the potential for stalking ya’ know? 

Surgeon General's Warning: The major portion of the content on my MySpace page may not be suitable for work, blue-haired little old ladies, the rabidly politically-correct, chronic morons, the religious right, small children, small furry quadrupeds from Alpha Centauri, or your sanity. Oxygen may be required. Have the paramedics on speed dial.    

 

Just consider yourself warned 'cuz as G.I. Joe always says, "Knowing is half the battle!"

Jail Bait and Other Sorts of Sushi....
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Diamond Rio

So my college sorority pledge mom and I went out Saturday and hit RA, formerly owned by friends of mine who went into rehab and then sold the brand to Beni-Hana for quite the wad of moola, but as usual I digress.

 

Lena and I have been friends for a fuck all long time—since I was 17 and still wet between the ears amongst other places. I haven’t seen her lately, since buying casa de Megster as she is busy with her new real estate career and her own move.

 

I whined and whined (not!) until we figured out a mutually cool plan. Well almost. She said Fox Sports Grill for babes, beers and burgers. As only college football was on, I just wanted to chill patioside sucking tuna of the restaurant variety, I won-go figure. If you have ever dated me, you know how persuasive I can be.

 

So we are hanging at RA. Unfortunately, we are seated next to amateur hour—you know the kind--screaming as they do saki bombers, etc. As I am laughing and telling Lena a story I catch the glance of a little hottie at the amateur hour table. Now he’s sitting with a cute girl so I figure, it’s a party foul at the least—yellow flag penalty and all that. But it keeps happening and happening. Odd. I mention it to Lena who promptly encourages me to “hit it”. I’m all shades of HELLO, he’s like 12.…or I guess 21 as he’s doing saki bombers, but same difference to me—smells like jail bait! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Just say no! Look away from the way too young boy!

 

It’s like a multi car pileup on the expressway--I can’t look away and pretty soon I realize, neither can he. He and his little stud buds go outside for a smoke (ick!) and dudester is just STARING! Lena turns around and says “Oh my, a fan club of one”.

 

Soon after the boys came in from cancer sticking it, Lena and I make to leave. She has smalls to return to and I was, per the norm, getting up to ride first thing in the morning and it just isn’t quite the same trail riding with the bonus buzz. It loses something super cool in the translation when all I can hear is my ears whooshing and my eyes are tracking like I sucked down a pound of mushrooms all schismy and such. No thanks!

 

We get up to bail and Captain Jail Bait is making hot, fierce eye contact and I start giggling uncontrollably. Too funny mang! I feel like I am about to attend an 8^th grade dance-a-thon! Lena and I stop out front to briefly say our goodnights and Lena tried coaxing me into going over to Maestro’s for a drink…by myself…as if! Nothing says ‘lonely whore out on the prowl’ like going to an upscale bar alone after saki bombers! I don’t need or want that kind of action!

 

I notice while we are chatting, that Captain Jail Bait has come outside….again. As Lena and I part, I walk past him and he almost shouts at me “I really like your hair!” HUH!?! I whip around and give him the come hither look, drop my voice into my best Kathleen Turner impression and say “Well thanks sugar”, throw some swing into my walk and keep going. When I reach the end of the sidewalk to step onto the parking lot, I look back and he is still staring at me—looking like he is about to poop his pants (or worse). I smile and just sashay away into the night.

 

Yeah, I walk away until I run to my car to call Lena and tell her what happened! She gave me all kinds of shit for not yanking the boy out to play. “You should have at least dragged him to your car and mashed!” she cried! Oh yeah! I am going to have a make out session in my car, in the parking lot of a majorly popular mall with some 21 year old who will probably squirt in his pants and I will have to spend $100 detailing my car! NOT!!!!

 

I explained that it is impossible for her to live vicariously through my life as it is far too random and insane for a mother of 3 and she should just leave it at that….but that if the opportunity presented itself with someone who was at least 30, I would feel obligated to at least video tape it for her viewing pleasure!

 

Yet another episode in 'The Call of the Cougar!"

Answer Me This....
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Skybox (they totally rock--check them out!)

DO YOU SNORE? Relentlessly when I am drunk but still not as badly as my sister AKA the freight train

LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Depends on if you are trying to kiss me or are attempting to wrassle me over the last pickled shrimp

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR? That the 5th dentist will never ever give in and recommend Trident

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER? Hell no! I was a Lego survivor! My sister was always trying to shove them up my nose and into other orifices....

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"? That much like unicorns, it doesn't exist outside of my personal fantasies

DO YOU CHEW ON STRAWS? No, as I learned early on just how pissed some folks can get at you when they can no longer imbibe in nose candy

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? According to my older sister, no. I was hideous and she told my parents that she didn't want me and to "Take it back!"

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? I have just rejoined the ranks and it's ab fab....

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Loudly, poorly and all show tunes baby!

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? No, as I am afraid of heights as well as the effect a rubber cord might have on my cellulite

ANY SECRET TALENTS? Bwah! Ha! Ha! (evil laugh) Yes, but if I tell you, I will have to kill you although you will definitely want to date me....

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? Anywhere with a beautiful view and lots of liquor

HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI? Only the kind served in restaurants

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? Depends on whose Tootsie Pop you're licking

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? Why is there a super cool hidden Beatles 'back masking' message?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN NAKED ON AN AIRPLANE? Only in a stress dream but oddly enough, I was wearing a Jerry Garcia necktie around my head at the time

ARE SPEEDO'S HOT? Not on anyone over the age of 5....hmmmm, that sounds pretty creepy

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"? When the broad working the checkout at Trader Joe's carded me for 2 cases of wine

IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE? Hell no-Diddy capped Tupac's ass right before he popped Biggie Smalls!

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Only when there is a cash bar

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? In my ovaries....slowly dying day by day according to my mother

ARE BLONDES DUMB? No and I just don't understand why everyone picks on Golden Retrievers...

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? Every time you lose a sock, look in your closet and you will discover a new wire coat hanger. Hence socks are the larvae of wire coat hangers. I'll wait while you go check it out. Seriously.

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Rockstar, Cool Chick, Nutmeg, Red Sanchez (red, not filthy), Megs

IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? Only if the minimum wage bastard behind the counter spits in my food or if I truly think about what's in ‘special sauce'

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Depends on who's with me

IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? As real as Lindsay ‘Firecrotch' Lohan's tits

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Red Bull & vodka and meat....I mean men....no, I mean meat....

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? No. That's why God created doctors and Valium prescriptions

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Mr. Hanky Brown

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? If it was any better I'd need to hire someone to help me enjoy it!

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? In front of the tv with cold beer playing Tony Hawk Underground 2

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? Unfortunately like something that lives in the fricking woods

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Well, it is in Lemon Fresh Dash and in a young girl's heart

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A giant slab of undercooked meat....porterhouse to be exact with some gorgonzola crumbles and a very nice 2002 Rodney Strong merlot....God I feel like Al Bundy....or Henry the VIII (8th)

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? Ones that don't feature genital moisturizer products or Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia or ones that do feature Harry Mitchell for Congress--the man has the acting ability of an overchewed dog toy!

Of Lippazaners and Ass Crack....Part I
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Mashed Buddha

What can I say about my weekend?

 

I had seriously rocking tickets to the D-back game courtesy of a buddy of mine. And when I say rocking I mean ROCKING!!!! The seats were a few rows up from the field behind home base in the ‘hoi polloi’ lower echelon. Seats that came complete with our own little waiter dude. Well, Javier wasn’t exactly little and was sporting a rather scary neck tattoo and we had to share him with other game patrons in our section, but still we had a free drink bitch for 9 innings but I digress….

 

Let me start at the beginning which would be Friday night in desperate need of a pedicure before the game. I am so wearing some cute sandals and capris and must get the way narfy feet attended to ASAP! I walk in to my usual nail salon and am confronted with a vision. A total freakfest vision. As in, your basic overly shaved and plucked 6’ 5” whore makeup WHOA-Man tranny getting a French pedicure, my usual, with Kai, my usual pedicure guy. Quelle horror! A ginormously hideous tranny is getting his….errr, her, whatever, grubby size 13 toes buffed out by my Kai guy! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Seriously! It’s Frank Zappa in drag and it’s not pretty! (And no Deb, I am not referring to your 7^th grade school photo). I am now seriously re-thinking the whole manicure concept and decide to opt for Walgreen’s and Lee Press On toenails instead.

 

So fast forward to the game. Dulce and I happily meandered to our amazing seats, grasping a frozen margarita as we went. The perfect thing with the frozen margarita is that by the time it has melted enough to drink, the little margarita cabana boy comes by with the dispenser (like a soft sided kegerator) strapped on his back. Every time I saw him, my first thought was how much trouble I could have gotten into in college with a margarita factory strapped to my back and a tap in my hand. Oh the missed drunken opportunities --Sigh!

 

So anywho, there Dulce and I are. Kicking it and loving every second! The view of the field and the surrounding hotties was stellar to say the least! Eye candy abounded on and off the field! So I have my foot up in between the seats in front of me as only one of them is occupied by a grey haired pony tailed Dodgers fan. Boo old Dodgers fan guy! I was gazing at my feet and my super cool glue on pedicure when I noticed that one of my nails was missing. Oh crap! Perfect pedicure gone awry in the first inning! Apparently, that is the downside to glue on pedicures--they can pop off. I was mildly irritated until I leaned forward to catch a play and noticed that the wayward nail wasn’t running amok, it was merrily floating in pony tailed old Dodgers fan guy’s beer. Oops! Hygienically challenged party foul! I quickly pulled my feet down and tucked them under my seat for the duration of the game. I was completely freaked! What to do?! Do I warn him? (No, he’s a Dodgers fan) Do I ask for it back? (It would be sterile after the alcohol bath) Do I just say nothing and act casual? I mean it wasn’t like he wouldn’t pass it eventually. Yep! I opted for door number 3 and kept completely mum. Even with Dulce. We were already so deep into a case of shit giggles that I figured we didn’t need any more fodder before we got 86’d from the game.

 

Needless to say, the game ended up going 15 innings and we spent the last 6 of them in the bar where Dulce tried out her newly single pick up line “Hey, do you know anything about snakes?” When the guy would reply “Errr, no, why?” she would strike a body building bicep pose (mind you she’s 5’ 10” and thin) and say “ ‘Cuz I gotta figure out how to keep these pythons caged!” The reactions were hilarious to say the least!

 

I rolled home around 1:30am and rolled back out about 4:30am to go riding with the total bonus buzz.

 

4 hours later, I’m at Target. There’s an older gal in line in front of me who resembles a sweatier Jewish version of Scrappy Doo. The check out kid, Eric, is a pimply little dude who looks all of 12. This gal starts ranting on and on about how hot she is and how it feels like she’s going through menopause again but worse and how she’s never been this hot before in her life and that she can feel the sweat rolling down her thighs and into her Keds. She then proceeded to turn around and ask Eric if he can see it too. Yes she did! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I thought he was going to die! He turned this mottled shade of fuchsia and kind of made an odd strangling noise in reply. Throughout her diatribe, I kept my eyes carefully trained on my 5lb bag of dog biscuits lest I break into uncontrollable laughter and fall down howling. Scrappy Yentil took her purchases and made her way out leaving a trail of thigh sweat droplets behind her so I stepped up to Eric with my purchases. Our eyes met and I burst out laughing. He shuddered and said “I thought she’d never stop!” I promised him there would be no inappropriate sharing on my part during the course of our transaction but that he might want to call for a wet mop clean up first.

 

To be continued….

I Want To Ride My Lawnmower....
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Meat Puppets

So I was talking to my boss the other day and he was telling me that he had gotten a new lawnmower. He and his wife just bought a 2 acre property, most of which is grass, and he said "There is no way I am pushing a mower across all of that so I figured, screw it, and I bought a ride on mower!" To which I replied, "I have a ride on lawnmower too!" He asked "How many horse power is it?" and I said, smiling, "Just one" and he said "Smart ass!"

May I present my one horse power (HP) ride on lawn mower....

Watch out for the hammock big guy!!!

The Endless Fall From Grace
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Oingo Boingo

In light of the ongoing Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise sagas AKA The Endless Fall From Grace, I offer you this:

You just gotta love South Park--the animated In Living Color of our generation where everyone is fair game....

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Sheryl Crow

I believe that many people consider Drew Barrymore to be socially and emotionally retarded because she has so little concept of normal human relations. That her upbringing was so horrific that the worst parts were actually left out of her autobiography 'Little Girl Lost' (that she wrote at 14 years old) because her career would have been ruined and people would have gone to jail.

 

 

Are You Kidding Me? AKA The Most Arrogant Ugly Chick in The World!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Oak Ridge Boys

You already know my unhealthy obsession with Craigslist personals. What can I say? I am easily amused to say the least and these provide unending fodder. What I just don’t get are some of these folks who apparently live in an alternate universe or reality than I do.

There is just something unreal about a chick who goes on and on about how totally hot and amazing she is and then you check out her pics and her face looks like she got hit by a truck – or needs to get hit by a truck…or something…Seriously. This chick is overly impressed with herself and I just don’t get it. It is one thing to be confident and secure and then there is the diametric opposite of arrogant and totally misguided. I am not about the hate—but I am all about the honesty. If you are the hottest thing since roasted organic pinõn nuts, super but you’d better bring it and back your claims up. This chick is seriously delusional to say the least. Here is her encapsulated diatribe about her beyond questionable amazingness  as it was WAY too long and nauseating to post en totale: 

In short, I’m awesome. You’d love to date me, but you’d probably think I was out of your league and so you’d never come talk to me in public (it’s not all your fault). But frankly, that’s just fine, as most of you would be right.

I’m a successful, “up-and-coming” (as they say) artist. No really. The real kind. Not the café-art, slam-poetry kind. I am a gourmet cook who could make Martha Stewart weep in envy. I can build a suspension bridge across the Amazon using only discarded bubble gum and paper clips. I am so hot, I make myself moist. People call me cocky, but I consider it a good thing to be opinionated and confident.  I’m hot. No, really, I’m fucking hot. I collect those invite-to-an-open-call cards modeling agencies attack you with—for fun. But just for fun, as while I have a million dollar body, my profile and my slightly odd features would reduce me to “art house editorial with no real commercial power.” And frankly, unless I’m calling the shots, I have better things to do than be a drugged-out coat-hanger. I’m smart. I’m smarter than you. I have a graduate degree from an Ivy League school and I’m working on another. I can read a few dead languages, and a couple living ones. I’ve probably read the book you’re reading right now unless it’s trite and lame or features small words and pictures. There are few fields I have exactly no knowledge about but I could be mistaken. I can cook a 4-course meal for 10 on less than 3 hours notice. I can sing and play a variety of musical instruments. I’m not frigid, nor have “issues” regarding sex. This does not mean I do it all and then some with you and your buddies for a beer. I can shop at Bergdorf’s for a dress for the [insert event here]. I can make paper. Spin wool. I’ve been known to make jewelry and sew, on occasion. I know how to make sunscreen from popular trees.

You should be similar: smart, hot, interesting, confident, and cool. Generally awesome. I deserve someone as totally killer as I am. 

Now, scroll down for her stunning modelesque photos…not!!!! Seriously, is it just me being a heinous bitch, which is known to happen occasionally or are you wondering, much like me, what planet this chick is considered hot on? What is she the self-declared 'hot' girl on the planet Fugly AKA the chinless wonder (although the blower's cramp mouth is a postitive to some folks)? 

 You tell me! 

Random Meg-O-Rama Silliness on Friday 'Eve'
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Candela
This just cracked me up and I thought you all would appreciate it....it's from 5ives--this guy has some classic stuff!

Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events

1. How Soon is Now?/ The Smiths
2. Blasphemous Rumors / Depeche Mode
3. Uncertain Smile / The The
4. Only You Were Lonely/ The Replacements
5. The Killing Moon / Echo & the Bunnymen

I'd have to add: 

• Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
• Pictures of You - The Cure
• Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
• Galapagos - Smashing Pumpkins
• The Sun Always Shines on T.V. - Aha
• Why - Bronski Beat
• Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House
• Any of the multitude of overly long Sting ballads

to that list!

Can't you just imagine a rowdy drunken stadium full of of football goers singing along to those? NOT!

 

What would yours be?

For Love of Defamer
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Drive-By Truckers

AZCOOLCHICK: Did you read the Defamer bit on the alien Cruise cult…errr, clan?

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: Not yet, just made a comment on the blog.

 

AZCOOLCHICK: And did you see the bit on sweetcheeks Ted leaving E? http://defamer.com/hollywood/media/casablancagatewatch-casablanca-counting-the-days-until-his-contract-runs-out-192955.php Quelle Horror! Say it isn't so!!!

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: Jesus! Are Ryan's blow jobs really THAT good?

 

AZCOOLCHICK: LMFAO!!! Apparently so! Far superior to Terry Hatcher's!

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: I just can't imagine 10 months without Blind Vices! How will we survive Meg? I can't subside on Lainey's lame-o BVs!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I hear you!

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: And do you think before he goes, he'll reveal who Toothy is?

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I doubt it. I think he will keep his sweet lips shut. He does really well because he reports snarky gossip but you have to guess and he never confirms. If he started outing folks, he wouldn't be doing as well...he's snarky--not mean.

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: True! But it would be E! getting sued, not him, right? Could be fuck you assholes-see ya'!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I don’t think he would do that to Jake Gyllenhaal who, by all accounts, is a rather nice guy. Also, he is SO not into outing folks, He might be pissy with those firmly ensconced in the closet, but he thinks those who out folks and destroy careers and lives suck weasel as do most of us.

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: http://defamer.com/hollywood/top/suriwatch-vanity-fair-wins-opportunity-to-prove-existence-of-suri-cruise-193105.php

This just kills me: “the fierce bidding war with both Celebrity magazine and Sears Portrait studio”! Genius! As usual!

AZCOOLCHICK: Suri doesn't exist--they just haven't found a lifelike enough hand puppet to take out in public yet--especially since Katie hasn't finished polishing up her Alientology ventriloquism skills yet….

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: LOL!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: I think they should have used that picture from Total Recall where the dude has the growth that is a person on him and said that was the faux baby Suri....

TheMoodiestFoxy: Hilarious--but I think the one they used was just about the creepiest thing I've ever seen!

AZCOOLCHICK: It was that John Lennon/Yoko Ono pic....

 

TheMoodiestFoxy: I know! It was creepy then too!

 

AZCOOLCHICK: Stop being such a Jewish warmonger Deb! Don't you know that the naked humping of talentless Asian broads has always brought about world peace!?!

Celebrity Gossip AKA I Believe....
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Gnarls Barkley

I believe that Mel Gibson is not only anti-Semitic and a hate monger, he's also a total hypocrite!  

He has routinely fucked around all through the course of his marriage and is known to order up young Asian prostitutes on his movie sets—having them flown in from Cambodia and other exotic locals. This is the man who says his wife is going to Hell because she’s not Catholic. What's that 7th commandment again? Hmmm…..oh yeah! "Thou shalt not commit adultery."  

Recently, he attempted to hook up with a certain young starlet for some fun in the sun at his weekend retreat, but was unceremoniously turned down flat by the young lady in question, who squealed to her young friends “Ewwwwwwww! Can you imagine anything soooo gross?!”

Don't Dream It's Over....
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: ABBA

When I was a kid, everything just seemed way more intense than it does today. Ice cream was colder, thunder was louder, fireworks were more interesting, Red Hots burned hotter when you stuck them in your nose, the night sky glowed brighter, Judy Blume's crotch novels seemed smuttier, etc.  Maybe part of it was that things were different in those days. We were more carefree as kids. We hadn’t lost our innocence or ignorance to the greater dangers and shitiness of the world we live in and life in general. I didn’t worry about what eating something might do to my cholesterol….or that if I went riding for five hours I might be too sore to function the next day….or that if I climbed the Eucalyptus tree I had a chance of falling out and getting hurt.   

I was daring in those days and never worried about the ramifications of my actions. I was invincible! I was going to grow up and be a pirate in spite of my father telling me there wasn’t much job security in being a pirate nor much of a demand for one. I was apparently ahead of my time as Johnny Depp’s pulling in a pretty good living being a pirate…. So I changed my life ambitions. I was going to grow up and be a marine biologist. I researched it for hours and hours on end. I was certain that I was going to attend Scripts Institute and become Meg Cousteau, a major player in the undersea world. That probably would have been a plan if it hadn’t been for one small little problem—I’m rather intimidated by the ocean and completely freaked out by the concept of scuba diving. Give me a snorkel and let me float, or give me a one way ticket to death via a scuba tank is pretty much my motto so that was the end of that dream. Next career ambition? Rock star! Now, I consider myself a rockstar, as do others, just not in the actual vocal department. Considering that I have the vocal abilities God bestowed on a small houseplant that was a joke! When I sing, dogs in Third world countries howl for me to stop. It’s that bad! 

I never considered the dreams or ambitions that were typical to most children being so abbynormal myself. I never wanted to be a ballerina as I know my limits and coordination is the first limit I come to after lack of vocal abilities. I never wanted to be a firefighter as I just wanted to have a lifetime of drooling over them. I never wanted to be President because even at 6 years of age I knew that someday I would have far too many skeletons in my closet to run as, whether I knew it then or not, I would eventually inhale at least several times.  

Today my continued recklessness is not born of desperateness. Instead, it is a small leftover pocket from more carefree times. Times when I could, and would, amuse myself for hours with a bowl of hard candy and never worry about destroying the bonding on my front teeth from the first or second time I knocked them out. When I didn’t worry so much about hurting myself, as I bounced back rapidly from injury unlike today. It comes not from an inability to grow up but rather a lack of desire to do so.    

What can I say? To paraphrase Lewis Carroll, it's beneficial to your health to try and believe a few impossible things before breakfast. I don’t want to grow up or dream it’s over….someday I will be a walrus trainer at Seaworld or a world renowned master of ro-sham-bo (rock, paper, scissors)….if only in my own mind.