The Tale of a Toy Hyena
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Blaqk Audio - Stiff Kittens
Saturday I'm ‘happily' shoveling horse poop when my hilarious neighbor Khrystal comes tooling down the alley with her latest rescue dog-a big Great Dane/black stranger mix. Now see, she puts me to shame. She has 5 dogs, 5 horses, goats, turtles and an emu-all rescues. I'm down to 2 dogs, 2 cats, 8 goldfish (RIP Spike and Mr. Benson) and a horse. Sounds much more manageable now doesn't it mom....but I digress. To fill you in on Khrys, she's hilarious! This is my neighbor most likely to be playing King of the Mountain for beer and bragging rights across the street on the neighbor's fill dirt pile. Yep. My type of neighbor-a totally cool chick.

So I ask Khrys how her menagerie is and she tells me she took her dog Becker to the Biltmore Fashion Square. The Biltmore, as it's referred to, is old school shopping and pet friendly to the socialites and soccer moms who frequent it. High end shops with lush gardenlike surroundings. A wonderful spot to window shop, day dream, hit Victoria's Secret, etc. The Biltmore is totally the place to see snotty rich broads with their carry bag dogs-AKA animessories (you know, they're animals-they're accessories).

This is not the place you bring your mutt dog that resembles the bastard offspring of a Chinese Crested naked dog and a bag of dried out winter mulch. Seriously.  While Becker is the nicest little dog you'd ever want to meet in a dark alley, he also is one of the ugliest damn dogs I've ever seen. Ever. And I once saw a dog that looked like a cross between a bat and a Brillo pad. Again, seriously.

So there sat Khrys and Becker on a grassy patch when 3 older carefully Botoxed Wisteria Lane kind of gals came up to her just fluttering over Becker.

Blonde 1:  What kind of dog is that?!

Khrys: He's a toy hyena.

Blonde 2: Really?! I've heard of those. Isn't the waiting list for one 5 years?

Khrys is acting all shades of conspiratorial now like she's telling them a major secret. She lowers her voice, leans in and whispers "Actually, I bought him on eBay and smuggled him in through Mexico." Looks all around like she's making sure no one was listening.

Blonde 3: I think that's how a gal at my club got hers! Or did she come in through Canada?

Blonde 2: What's his name?

Khrys: Sir Beckawalla Prime

Blonde 3: Oh my!

Khrys: It's his registered African name. We just call him Becker.

Blonde 1: Do Toy Hyenas bark much?

Khrys: Oh no! In fact they don't bark at all. They....yodel.

Blondes 1 & 3: Really!?

Blonde 2: I've heard that!

Khrys: Yep, really. Toy Hyenas are yodeling all over Africa as we speak. (Flings her arm out in a wide arc for drama)

Bynow, Becker realizes he's got a great thing going. All 3 of these women are making kissy sounds and petting him. He decides to further explore his relationship with Blonde 1 by wrapping his front legs around her in a dog hug.

Blonde 1: Oh look! He's hugging me!

Khrys: Oh yeah. Toy hyenas are known for hugging. Total huggers!

Blonde 2: I've heard that.

Khrys: Yep, all over Africa wild Toy Hyenas are yodeling and hugging and just happily living their furry lives roaming across the savannahs.

At that point, Khrys said she could no longer keep up the façade of the Toy Hyena and made excuses and kissy sounds and took off muttering to herself-Yeah-Toy Hyenas yodeling and hugging....

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when these gals tell others and it becomes an urban legend or worse yet, reality, ‘cuz people are really that stupid. Toy Hyenas!

 

You may be laughing now, but mark my words-they're coming!