So I?d much rather be telling you the silly story about the 'sexual' drama of my moving day or the fact that Elvis recently hit on me (seriously), but instead you?re getting the rare Megan ?serious? moment. Rarer than a Dodo bird and really no fun whatsoever.

I had some rather fucked up beyond all belief news today. One of my dear friends from childhood?s little brother committed suicide. This is a kid I have known since he was a toddler. Our parents have been friends for more than 34 years. What a fucking hideous waste.

Deep breath. It?s been almost four years since my best friend of 20 some-odd years, who was is all ways important my big brother, committed suicide. Hearing about Davey brought John?s death back in a swift, gut-wrenching rush of loss and disbelief. I can still only ask myself "why?". Why were their souls so tortured that this was the way they chose to try to come to peace with themselves?

The theme song to the hit 70s show M*A*S*H* was entitled ?Suicide is Painless?. Now that?s a crock of shit! It?s not painless as the person takes his or her life and it sure as HELL isn?t painless to those that person leaves behind. Suicide is the ultimate form of physical and emotional abandonment. It leaves loved ones in eternal pain constantly wondering ?what if?? What if something I could/should have done would have changed his mind? Why didn?t I know he was considering taking his life? How could I have been so blind to his pain? These questions and many others have raced through my mind for years in the wake of John?s tragic death. And let me tell you, it was tragic. The world lost one of the good ones?the rare ones. A kind and loving person?a decent man.

Many times I have tried to comfort myself by saying that if John had known that I would have been the one to find his body, that he wouldn?t have done it. He would never have done that, never have put that horror on his beloved kid sis ?Mags?. But maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better when I so obviously failed to recognize the depth of his despair...when I so obviously failed him as a friend.

All I know is that it?s going on four years since his light on this earth was extinguished. My questions will always remain unanswered and not a day goes by that I don?t think of him.

Could have, would have, should have?FUCK! Nothing like hindsight to make the heart despair more?

I have learned important life lessons from this life altering trauma. One, there is NEVER a good enough reason to take your own life, no matter how dire things seem, as I have seen the devastation it wreaks on everyone left behind. Two, love (romantic and otherwise) is a short and fleeting thing. If you have it in your life, embrace it and make the most of it. Life is too short to be full of fear. If you love someone, let that person know it as often as possible. Step off that cliff and live it.

I hope that somewhere in a much better and forgiving place, John takes a break from watching over me to welcome Davey home.