Getting to Know You...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Used
You know those annoying emails you get from some seriously misguided but well meaning friends or family members entitled ?How Well Do You Know Your Friends? with like 3 million lame ass questions that the person wants everyone to copy, answer and send back or you will break the chain and have bad luck, scabies and ?taint? breath for the rest of your natural born life?

I am beyond fricking sick of answering mundane shit like my favorite drink, what color my toenails are painted, my favorite sexual position, etc. I want people to answer trivial out-there questions that provoke serious or sarcastic answers. So here?s the list of my top 25. Feel free to pass it on!

1.Girls: Which Sweathog would you most want to sleep with, excluding Vinnie Barbarino/John Travolta? ("UGH-None" is not an acceptable answer)
Guys: Which girl from the Facts of Life would you most want to sleep with excluding Blair/Lisa Welchel? (Again, "UGH-None" is not an acceptable answer)

2.What movie(s) are you completely embarrassed to admit that you love?

3.Do you pick your toenail clippings up or leave them for the dog to eat?

4.As an adolescent, who was the first celebrity image that you had plastered all over your bedroom walls?

5.If it were acceptable as an adult, which celebrity image would you now have plastered all over your bedroom ceiling?

6.If you had to, would you rather lick someone's eyeball or have someone lick yours?

7.Naked XBox or naked twister?

8.What?s worse: bad breath or bad gas?

9.Do rug burns count as body art?

10.For $1 million dollars would you name your first born child Bongwalla?

11.So be honest, in most conversations are you really even listening to the other person, or just waiting to talk?

12.How did your first childhood pet die? Was it your fault?

13.Ever farted during oral? (?qweefs? don?t count)

14.True or false?normality is both worthless and unachievable.

15.What?s more annoying: A stupid person or a know-it-all?

16.When you get asked out or ask someone on a date, do you immediately Google that person for more information on him/her?

17.What song makes you cry (and don?t say the one the ice cream man?s van plays)

18.What is the best super power to have?

19.If you were an STD, which one would you be?

20.If you had to be gang-banged in prison, would you choose:
For Guys: The surviving members of Frankie Goes to Hollywood or the male members of River Dance?
For Girls: The 1985 pledge class of Chi Omega at the U of A or the female former cast members of SNL?

21.What sounds worse: the new Mariah Carey album or a cat heaving up a hairball?

22.What?s worse: gum caught in your pubic hair or your pubic hair caught in your zipper?

23.Is cyberstalking a crime if you really love the person?

24.What is the stupidest professional sport other than NASCAR?

25.If your significant other asked you to pop a back zit for him/her, would you?

Now hurry, hurry, hurry and copy this sucker and put in your own answers. Then send it to everyone on your email list (so they can waste precious time at the office that could be better spent surfing the net for porn) or you will develop a rather nasty case of foot fungus and your hair will migrate down your back until it resembles a dead wolverine pelt?

**************************************************
POST SCRIPT
**************************************************
So after much badgering and nagging from friends and family, here are my answers. Feel free to post yours...

1.Girls: Which Sweathog would you most want to sleep with, excluding Vinnie Barbarino/John Travolta? ("UGH-None" is not an acceptable answer)

It would have to be Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein. What gal could resist a Puerto-Rican Jew who lapsed into impersonations of the Marx Brothers on occasion and brought forged absentee notes from his mother like the classic "Roses are red, violets are blue, I've been home two days with the Asian flu". Even without the mention of the Spanish word for ?eggs? in his name, I?m moist just remembering?

2.What movie(s) are you completely embarrassed to admit that you love?

Aw shit, where to start? Let?s just say that my movie collection is full of them: Dark Crystal; Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back; Time Bandits; Legend; Spaceballs and any cheesy kung fu movie. My movie collection comes close to rivaling my collection of one hit wonder albums from the 80s?

3.Do you pick your toenail clippings up or leave them for the dog to eat?

Are you kidding me? There is no leaving them for the dogs. The three of them are flying around the room like the fricking Karamazov brothers snatching the clippings from the air like edible Frisbees.

4.As an adolescent, who was the first celebrity image that you had plastered all over your bedroom walls?

Adam Ant?and you just shut your mouth. He was hot then?he was.

5.If it were acceptable as an adult, which celebrity image would you now have plastered all over your bedroom ceiling?

Kelly Slater, Pro Surfer. That man is my adult version of a Tasty Cake. Can you say YUM!?!

6.If you had to, would you rather lick someone's eyeball or have someone lick yours?

I would need to be the licker?it?s an orbital jelly control issue with me...

7.Naked XBox or naked twister?

Naked Xbox. It?s no different than the countless hours I already spend playing naked PS2?besides naked twister is only fun with copious amounts of warm oil. Kind of like an x-rated Slip-n-Slide...

8.What?s worse: bad breath or bad gas?

They are both equally narfy, but I guess the tie would be broken by harkening back to an old boyfriend who, no matter what he ate, could clear a room faster with just one flatulent outburst than someone in the U.S. Capitol mail room screaming ?Anthrax?.

9.Do rug burns count as body art?

Only if they truly resemble something. I have been told that the one on the side of my left knee resembles Jesus? clavicle. I wonder if I could cut it off and sell it to the Golden Palace on eBay?

10.For $1 million dollars would you name your first born child Bongwalla?

For $1 million dollars, I would name my first born child ?Bong Water?.

11.So be honest, in most conversations are you really even listening to the other person, or just waiting to talk?

Huh? Were you saying something?

12.How did your first childhood pet die? Was it your fault?

Whitney Sue died in her sleep, releasing her bowls on my mother?s white living room carpet. Yes, the white carpet in the white living room that kids and dogs were never allowed to enter. I guess if you are never allowed into a room, it?s a good place to leave your last mark--literally. Whitney gave mom the dew claw something fierce on her way out?

13.Ever farted during oral? (?qweefs? don?t count)

Not for lack of trying?have I mentioned that I am evil?

14.True or false?normality is both worthless and unachievable.

Normality is highly overrated?much like Necrophilia.

15.What?s more annoying: A stupid person or a know-it-all?

Those who think they know-it-all annoy those of us who do?enough said.

16.When you get asked out or ask someone on a date, do you immediately Google that person for more information on him/her?

You know it! Then I check civil and criminal court records (knowing that he is an axe murderer or has 10 illegitimate children is half the battle). Then it?s off to play in the county assessor?s site to find where he lives, etc. Whoops, giving away trade secrets and starting to sound creepy?

17.What song(s) makes you cry (and don?t say the one the ice cream man?s van plays)

Puff the Magic Dragon, You Are My Sunshine and Wildfire (the one about the girl?s horse who gets out in a terrible storm and dies??She ran calling ?Wildfire?)?shit. Must stop now before I start weeping like a little bitch?sobbing worse than I do after tuning into the last 2 minutes of a Saint Jude cancer commercial.

18.What is the best super power to have?

Buns of Steel...no seriously, I?d want to be invisible. The possibilities are endless with that one.

19.If you were an STD, which one would you be?

I?d be the Clap. I?m not sure what the Clap is, but whenever grandma saw me holding hands with a boy, she told me if I wasn?t careful, I?d get the Clap. I always thought it referred to rhythmic hand music?

20.If you had to be gang-banged in prison, would you choose:
For Girls: The 1985 pledge class of Chi Omega at the U of A or the female former cast members of SNL?

Christ?I?d have Laraine Newman riding me like a stallion shouting ?What?s my name bitch? before I ever let a Chi Omega touch me.

21.What sounds worse: the new Mariah Carey album or a cat heaving up a hairball?

I think me experiencing a Brazilian wax without benefit of painkillers, questioning the legitimacy of the aesthetician?s birth, while dropping colorful f-bombers that could be heard in Madagascar still sounds better than Diva Carey?

22.What?s worse: gum caught in your pubic hair or your pubic hair caught in your zipper?

Well, you know my answer?what hair? I?m I?ll about the ?netherscaping?. (AKA see #21)

23.Is cyber stalking a crime if you really love the person?

Not when you don?t get caught?or convicted.

24.What is the stupidest professional sport other than NASCAR?

Professional lumberjack competitions. They make women?s field hockey seem interesting.

25.If your significant other asked you to pop a back zit for him/her, would you?

Absolutely. I was also born with the Simian gene (probably why Mr. Jinx wanted to bond with me). There are few things I enjoy as much as a good grooming session?just call me the amateur dermatologist.