This is the story of an ambush dookie...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Songs in the Key of X (X files compilation)
Last night, I went to the 3 Doors Down show. Not by choice mind you. I did not fork out change of any kind for these tickets. Instead, I ended up there by default as I can roll with the punches. As in, hey by the way, we just got free VIP passes & tickets to 3 Doors Down. At 8pm. As in we’re now going to 3 Doors Down…in an hour.

So I, being the uber flexible goddess that I am, adjust on the fly, change clothes, start drinking, etc.

Good show. The material from their new album is pretty tight.

Anywho, long and short of the evening: Good time. Seriously chardonnay abbreviated. Early evening. Zonk.

Cue fast forward to early this morning. I got up at 5, per usual. Let beasties out. Let beasties in. Went back to sleep. 6am, fed horse. Let beasties out. Let beasties in. Went back to sleep. 7am up. Mango Gatorade and Batman and Xiolin Showdown cartoons. 8am, back to sleep. 9am up. Let beasties out. Let beasties in. Plan 10 am run to the library and feed store. Shower.

From here, it just gets all shades of fucked up.

Combing out hair. There is a knock at my front door. Beasties go bat shit. I scream for silence and open the door to find...

My ex-neighbor Segrid. As in the neighbor I rarely spoke to who moved out 3 weeks ago without my protestations of staying in touch. (I think those are de rigor). I mean really, I never spent any time with you when you were living next door, so of course I should get your digits and we should keep in touch. Right…

So I manage to cough out a surprised hello. Rather shocked to find her on my door step, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at just after 9am. I explained that I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready to head out for the day.

She says “Oh that’s ok, I just need to use your bathroom”.

WHAT?!?! Hello! You drop in unannounced early on a Saturday and want to borrow my bathroom?

“Uh, sure” was about what I managed to utter. Totally at a loss here folks.

So she goes into the bathroom. The minutes tick by. And tick by. And tick by. Seriously. This chick has now been in my bathroom for at least 15 minutes. She finally (FINALLY!) flushes and comes out with an active tail of stench grasping at her as she walks away.

I must have been looking at her like WHAT THE HOLY FUCK? Because she says “Well, I was over at Fry’s (supermarket) and I had to go. They only had one stall open and there was a line, so I figured I would come over here and use yours. Sorry for stinking it up, your fan’s not working very well.” and walks out the front door to her car.

I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!

No, she did not just stop by with no call, no warning on a Saturday morning to fire bomb my bathroom with a massive dookie! Who the FUCK goes to someone else’s home to take a dump? It would be like snapping off a steaming crap loaf on Dick Vital’s face on national television—it’s that bad!

I always thought that if you lost control and were unable to deny yourself the ‘power dump’ while at a friends/relatives/acquaintances you A) felt some sort of guilt about it, even if it was along the lines of gleeful satisfaction and B) You tried to cover up the crime via ceiling fans, air fresheners, lighting a match, etc. It never occurred to me that you would seek out a former neighbor and pollute her home while Target and a whole bunch of other local retailers have such a plush selection of anonymous seats.

For hours after she left, a stinky miasma hung heavy over the front bathroom. It was ghost beef and I couldn’t exterminate it with matches, spray or incense.

Once again I ask you, WTF?!?! Who does this? Who ambushes you in your home to poop there thus polluting it for the total of an otherwise happily uneventful Saturday?

Who?!

So I proceed to call everyone I know with the “ambush dookie” story. Why? Because it is the classic OH MY GOD story! No one can hear it without saying OH MY GOD at least once. It’s classic freakshow.

Ah, Saturdays…