Seven Signs of ELOI
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Run DMC's Greatest Hits
Recently, it was that time of year again. Time for the Scottsdale Boys & Girls Club Uncorked & Unplugged fundraiser. A classic ‘all-you-can-graze-upon-from-local-high-brow-restaurants-and-all-the-booze-you-can-glug-down-all-night-while-listening-to-tunes-under-the-night-sky’ fundraising event. My kind of fundraiser. Basically, time for an evening filled with friends, wine, new friends, fun, food, foozeball, more new friends, beer, cigars, shots, even more new friends, Ms. Packman, and all around general debauchery…but I digress.

I once again managed to score free sponsor passes to the event. Nothing says VIP like sponsor passes. BOO YA! Last year I had 10 tickets and we went to town! Unfortunately, this year only four. (Again, I apologize to those peeps who are still bitter they didn’t get to attend this year). I gathered a minor posse and we tripped off to indulge in food, booze and eye candy. And not necessarily in that order.

So this thing’s a total fest. Sweet would be an understatement. We are wandering around getting endless refills of everything alcoholic whilst smoking Drew Estates cigars and noshing on gourmet victuals, stuffing our goodie bags full of free cigars, wine glasses, and other assorted spifs. The only thing missing from the rather Hollywood party atmosphere that abounded was some G-13...although I could be wrong.

After 3 hours of playing and playing hard, we were primed for the private VIP after hours party. We were perhaps too primed. It became rather apparent that we had hit ELOI (pronounced E-loy and no, not the odd city in Arizona before Picacho Peak) as in Excessive Levels Of Intoxication. How do you know you’ve reached ELOI?

Seven Signs of ELOI

1. SALES MANAGER
You begin pitching drinks you love to other attendees, who you have never previously met and will never see again, in front of the booth you tried it at. “Oh My God! You have to try this coffee flavored tequila! It is to DIE for!! Smell this. Doesn’t it SO smell like coffee? You’ll SO love it—trust me! Here! (shove a shot in his/her hand) Just try it!”

2. INSTABONDING
You notice other random girls standing around the perimeter of your group actually have the same plain silver toe ring on the second toe of their left foot as you all do. You gather them together and get everyone to put her left foot ‘in’ while encouraging them all to shout along with you “Wonder toe powers activate, form of a _________” (fill in the blank) while giggling hysterically. Various boy friends are forced to separate you but not before exchanging phone numbers, hugs, and taking copious cell phone photos.

3. EVERYTHING IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AMAZING
You wonder why the oh so talented Zowie Bowie and his fabulous 80s cover band haven’t made a larger splash in the music community.

4. OVERENTHUSIASTIC FAN
Speaking of the music community, you run into (literally) the Neil Diamond impersonator from Casino Arizona. You proceed to squeal “I LOVE Forever in Blue Jeans” and grab him in what could best be described as an intently loving headlock. You proceed to start swaying back and forth with him basically locked under your arm singing loudly and off key “Money talks, but it can’t sing and dance and it don’t talk. As long as I can have you here with meeeeeeeeeee, I’d much rather beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee forever in blue jeans…” To which ‘Neil’ replies “Errr, I don’t do that one.”

5. GIRLS GONE WILD
You and your friends proceed to start doing video girl style ‘ho-bucket’ pose downs against a wall to a bemused audience while instructing some random MBA student (he must have mentioned that at least 5 times “I’m getting my MBA” Nifty, just shut up and snap those pictures dude!) to take pictures.

6. UNSPORTSMAN LIKE CONDUCT
You challenge some super hot metrosexual guy to a game of Ms Pacman as he had the poor luck (or utter stupidity I’m betting on) to mutter a comment behind you (while playing a video game) that “girls suck at video games—they just don’t have the hand-eye coordination.” To which, you respond by whipping around and snarling “Come on you little bitch, I’ll wipe the floor with you.” And then proceed to, howling and slapping high fives with everyone around you just to really rub it in. After completely creaming his well dressed ass (it was Ms Pacman folks), you plant a huge wet kiss on him (gotta give him some consolation prize) and then while walking away, shout back over your shoulder “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER” at the top of your lungs!!!

7. I’M HILARIOUS
You suddenly develop a rather convincing British accent and begin speaking to everyone in it. Over utilizing “Thanks love”, “bugger”, “Bloody ‘ell”, “Is this the cue?” “Do you have a spare fag?” “This is fucking brilliant!”, etc. in every sentence you speak until a friend says “Enough. Listen missy, your work visa is expired. Get your ass back from the UK before you walk home.” And just like that, you are a US citizen once again.

Needless to say, the seven signs spelled the end of the evening for us. As we ‘walked’ out (We were hanging onto each other so much, we looked like a rugby team with a game in play as we went through the velvet ropes), we were cool enough to grab a foursome and bless them with our VIP passes for the private after hours party before piling into the town car and having Jimmy drive our drunken asses home while we sang show tunes at the top of our lungs. (Yes, we did add on extra tip monies for his happy tolerance).

We departed just in time to save the other VIPs from the trainwreck that was us I’m sure.