The Purity Test
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Fun Boy Three
The other night I was online and noticed that my friend Deb was on IM. The next thing you know we’re gabbing up a storm in cyber space. Being possessed of rather off the wall senses of humor, we start discussing the weirdest stuff we have seen on the Internet. She tells me to Google ‘tub girl’ and won’t give me a hint as to what I’ll find. What I found nearly made me hurl. Mind you, I have a cast iron stomach-I eat the tacos from the street vendors in odd Mexican border towns. So I counter with clown porn-not as graphic, but still odd. Pretty soon we are comparing notes on all kinds of freaky shit we have found on the Internet. She answers with ‘lemon city’ and I parry with orbital sex. Things start getting out of hand. I start telling her about all the freakshow stuff my friend Dale told me about. Dale is a former U.S. Marshall and has been in law enforcement for more years than I’ve been alive. He also has a PhD in psychology and runs a company called Forensitec which involves the field of psycholinguistics and other hi-tech stuff. Basically, he can read writing samples from people and determine if there is deception involved among other things. Way cool, but I digress.

After a couple of beverages, Dale and I got into a discussion one night about aberrant behavior and fetishes (which I refer to as Feti) as he researched them for a thesis or so he says. He filled me in on the ‘joys’ of ‘plushies’ (people who have sex with stuffed animals or while dressed in mascot uniforms), blow up doll porn (self explanatory), those who enjoy the ‘hot lunch’ (having someone drop a steaming dookie in your mouth), etc. Basically, he filled me in on all kinds of shit I had no idea existed and basically ruined my trust in human nature. I now subject my dates to WAY closer scrutiny although the freaks keep slipping through my radar.

So Deb and I are bandying about all this stuff, alternately laughing and shuddering. The result was that I wondered if I was too uptight or just naive. I know Deb’s pretty straight laced (sorry babe, I love you but it’s the truth) but what about me? I always thought I was a pretty open-minded chick. I have my own feti and proclivities, tame as they may be, so who am I to give the smack down on others’ just because I find them completely unappealing or downright repulsive.

I came across a ‘purity’ test during these IMs and Deb & I decided to take it while we were online. It is comprised of 1,000 questions. I know that seems like a lot, but you can pretty much whip through as you just check the boxes of the ones you answer yes to. There were whole sections I skipped and sections where I was glad they had an explanation of what they were asking as I was clueless.

My results? I answered ‘yes’ to 461 out of the 1,000 questions. This made me 53.9% sexually pure and 46.1% sexually corrupt. I was pretty excited about my results until Deb announced that she had scored 73% in purity, being only 27% corrupt. Oh shit! Was I on a one way out of control freight train to Hell?! Turns out she was just higher than the average. The average purity result for this test out of the 62,460 folks who took it was 72.2%. Somehow I think people were lying on their answers.

So the next day at work, I encourage some co-workers to take it, hoping to feel better. Saffron scored a 76%--EEEEK! However, Sasha, scored 50% pure which didn’t make me feel much better as she is an active bi-sexual. I think my score plummeted in the categories of “Have you ever had someone suck your toes” and “Have you ever mashed with more than one person in an evening” and “Have you done multiple body shots off of hot college boys”. I still can’t figure out where I went ‘wrong’ on it. I admit, I like insane ‘circus sex’ as my ex-would call it, sans the midgets, but in the confines of a monogamous relationship and really not all that freaky. I swear.

I know you’re wondering now what your freakshow errr, I mean purity factor is. Take the test. Let me know what your score is…but only if it’s lower than mine. I don’t need a complex!

http://www.armory.com/tests/sex1000.html