Megan Looks Just Like...
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Glen Miller
When I was a ‘small’ (the term I use when I refer to all kids under 6 yrs of age), not only did I not speak intelligible English, I apparently closely resembled a Benedictine monk sans the burlap robe, rope belt, and Barney Rubble feet. I had a halo of golden brown hair around my head like a monk’s fringe and no eyebrows to speak of. Just ginormous brown eyes perched above rosy cheeks. No wonder I am such a whack job after that childhood…but I digress.

We lived in a cul de sac in our neighborhood in No Cal. The only other kids around that were near in age to me (3) and my older sister, Lindsay, (6) (of f-bomber fame) were the Jaworski kids across the street. Their parents were doctors and Chrissy Jaworski was one of those ‘odd’ children. Here was this beautiful, blonde, fairytale princess child who, at 6, was uber serious and could discuss probably most anything on par mentally with at least a tenth grader, if not a drunken frat boy.

So one day, while my mom’s parents, Grams and Gramps Keyes, were in town when Lindsay and Chrissy came tumbling into our house after some hardcore playing outside. I was just minding my own Goddamn business, as 3-year olds are wont to do, hanging out in my playpen when Chrissy commented to no one in general “Megan looks just like a little man.” WTF?! (This is my adult self being enraged over this insult to my mute monk of a 3-year old self)

My grandparents were sitting nearby reading in front of the fire (Oh so Norman Rockwell). My Gramps, upon hearing Chrissy’s comment on my apparent manly yet monkish good looks, says “Well, how do you know she’s not a little man Chrissy?” And Chrissy looks puzzled and replies “Because she’s a little girl Mr. Keyes.” To which Gramps responds “But how do you know she’s a little girl Chrissy?” And Chrissy, again, looks perplexed and replies back “Because I just know she’s a girl Mr. Keyes.” (Ever the respectful kid wasn’t she?). Gramps, being Gramps, just can’t let it go so he says again “But how do you know she’s not a little man Chrissy?” to which Chrissy responded “Because she doesn’t have a penis Mr. Keyes.”

I believe apoplectic is the only way to describe Gramp’s reaction.

He started stuttering and stammering and completely freaking out. Understandable, as I’m sure that was the very last response he ever expected his teasing to elicit from Chrissy, the little blonde angel.

The classic end to this story? As Gramps was completely losing his mind, Grams apparently never looked up from the book she was reading. All she said, never even batting an eye, was “Well, you asked for it Jim.”

Classic.