Waking Up in a Land of Hurt
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Pink
In my drinking ‘career’, I have found that there is only one guaranteed way to avoid a hangover AKA the land of hurt. Don't drink. Ever. And while you'll be certain to avoid hangovers, you can also assume that you won’t be having shitloads of fun either.

I have to figure that the majority of folks who are concerned with avoiding hangovers in the first place, are probably not going to follow the not ever drinking ‘method’. I know I don't.

So here’s your next best choice: never drink enough to get totally drunk. Stop when you hit mildly abbreviated. That way, hangovers will be rare, if not nonexistent, and at least you are still socially activated.

But since almost everyone who has ever had a hangover won’t comply with not ever drinking or not drinking enough to get totally drunk, then here is what I have found to be the best preventive measure to avoid waking up dazed and confused in a land of hurt.

When your drunken ass rolls home (hopefully taken there by a designated driver), always force yourself to take 3 ibuprofen and one or two glasses of water before you allow your body to succumb to unconsciousness and drunken dreamland.

Yeah, I know, you're full of beer/super dirty martinis/Jack & Coke/Chardonney, etc. (or at least I am) and the last thing you want to do is chug down a lot of water on top of an already overfull stomach of booze. It spells frequent urination sessions for the remainder of your morning but it WILL pay off in the long run.

I’m telling you a few ibuprofen and water really does work. Mind you, it's not a failsafe cure or I would be rolling in dough for inventing a post party kit with ibuprofen, a glass and a sleep mask and marketing the Hell out of it. You'll still feel a little ragged and narfy in the a.m., perhaps as if your head is full of Brillo pads and a gerbil slept in your mouth, but it can truly save you the next day. Trust me. I know it's not easy to make yourself do this after a long night of exquisite alcohol abuse, but if you try to make it a part of your regular routine before going to bed, you'll thank yourself the next day. This can also be a tricky maneuver if you've imbibed so much that you're actually stinking falling down/stumbling/passing out-drunk. Try your hardest to make yourself do it though. (Also be SURE you know exactly what pills you're swallowing. Mistaking Dulcolax for the ibuprofen can spell serious disaster! )

If you fail to do the ibuprofen/water regime, your options become rather limited when you've just pried open your swollen eyes to find yourself collapsed, hopefully in a bed, but worst of all, awake and the morning sun is pouring into your room as you forgot to make even a half ass attempt in your drunken stupor last night to fully close the blinds. Your pickled brain reviews the events of the previous evening and hopefully manages to reconstruct some sort of memory of at least a portion of the night's activities.

You feel like ass! This is usually the time when we all start making the well-known and soon forgotten "I'll-never-drink-again" declarations. You need help and quick before you spend the rest of the day alternately puking and sleeping in misery.

You need to start with the ‘after the fact’ remedies ASAP in the hope of reclaiming your body from the grips of hangover nightmare.

Drink liquids--think copious amounts--your body is dehydrated from all of the alcohol. As your electrolytes are totally out of whack, you need a combination of liquids, sodium and sugar. I go for the cool glass of water (sans ice) with a pinch of sugar and a pinch of salt. Some folks go for Gatorade. Gatorade is just too much for my system, especially if I am feeling nauseous. Nothing says hurl-o-rama like Gatorade if I am hung over.

Vitamins-all the alcohol you chugged down last night during the fun fest that was your evening out has effectively flushed away a significant supply of your body’s vitamins and nutrients. I am a firm believer in Emer’gen-C. That stuff is champion! (And no, I am not getting a nice kick back from the company to promote them maybe I should contact them about that…). This nifty little fizzy drink is a pretty good energy booster and contains tons of vitamin C (potent antioxidant), mineral complexes, B vitamins, electrolytes, and a bunch of other stuff. Fuck all amazing I tell you! Simple too, which totally works when your brain and body are barely functioning at simian, let alone human, levels. Just pour a package into some water, grasp it firmly in both of your trembling hands and suck it gratefully down.

After my guts settle down a bit, I usually try some food. In reality, you should avoid fatty and greasy foods as they tend to wreak havoc on your already torqued digestive system. I say bullshit! Nothing seems to wipe out a hangover for me like some serious greasy protein. Bring on the dead cows! Bring on the scrambled chicken zygotes! Nothing says loving like some Los Betos or random greasy neighborhood breakfast diner. Ah, shades of college. Roll your hungover ass into a nearby greasy spoon, indulge and roll back home to bed.

Which brings us to my last ‘secret’ weapon—sleep. It’s the best restorative. Your wasted body and mind need this. It’s the finest, and final, step in your recovery from a land of hurt.

Now, I know there are some folks who swear by hair of the dog which can work for some folks as adding more alcohol to your system helps numb your throbbing head. For me, it can either do the trick or send me spiraling over the edge into the deep end of the land of hurt pool. I say, best to avoid this method 99.7% of the time unless on vacation in a tropical paradise or Minnesota.

So if you’re going to drink, remember it’s not a necessity to drink your ass into oblivion on a regular basis (unless you are in college and then I highly recommend it) but if you do, remember Helloise’s (or Megoise’s which just doesn’t have the same pizzaz) Helpful Hangover Hints and maybe you’ll avoid yourself at least a portion of a land of hurt.

You can thank me in the new year....