My Dating Rules for the New Year
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Tori Amos
1. I am going to stop looking for Mr. Right and spend more time enjoying Mr. Right Now more fully. Besides, if you look at the odds, I have a far better chance of finding multiple Mr. Right Nows than I do of finding one Mr. Right.

2. If I am bored and hungry, I will go out on a date. The best outcome is that I will kill two birds with one stone. The worst case scenario is that I still won’t need to figure out how my new hi-tech microwave works.

3. I am going to kiss everyone (this is not exactly a new rule)…except stalkers as this just further encourages them or narcissistic guys as they tend not to notice you are even kissing them or stinky guys unless it is the post manly workout sweaty stink which is acceptable or total toads as ugly cannot be overcome with copious amounts of liquor no matter what anyone claims or losers as again there is just not enough liquor to overcome the big “L” or self-aggrandizing guys which really requires no explanation.

4. I will improve the quality of the quantity of guys I date as I seem to be wasting a lot of perfectly good lip gloss.

5. I will strive to date guys who share the same first name as this just cuts down on identity confusion when dating multiple guys. Failing this, I plan on referring to them all by the endearing term ‘sugar britches’ to garner the same result….

6. I will no longer date guys who have been married more than twice because you have to know buddy, after the third divorce, it's you!

7. I pledge to do my very best not to re-date any of my ex boyfriends a fourth time no matter how much they beg and plead.

8. I will loosen my standards for my ideal guy which, according to my friends, are too strenuous. I therefore will now just require that he be relatively hair free, funny, cute to me, employed and have decently maintained feet. Did I say funny?

9. I will enjoy every date to its fullest, unless the guy’s a creep, in which case I reserve the right to plan a red herring emergency cell call to end the date early. “My neighbor’s iguana was just hit by a car—she needs moral support—gotta’ go.”

10. I will not date men who have pet names for their willies. Any man who refers to his maleness as the Super Sonic Master Blaster, Mr. Lovejoy’s Pleasure Stick, Ace, Mr. Bo & the Jangles, etc. is out. In the infamous words of a member of O.J.’s defense team, if the junk has a name, I don’t play the game (it was something like that).