A House Hunting We Will Go
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Boomtown Rats
Ah house hunting! I can’t tell you how excited I was to be looking for a new house! Was being the key part of that sentence. I must have been toking on the rock, having an alien abduction encounter or at the very least a rather torrid out of body experience to think that! NIGHTMARE!

On the bright side, my requirements are such that my options are limited. It must be a decent sized horse property in metropolitan Phoenix. That definitely narrows it down. There were lots of houses that fit the decent sized horse property available outside the city but after living in LA for four really long years and commuting an hour each way to and from work—SO not for me! That definitely meant I had to count out the houses in Lake Havasu—nothing like that 12 plus hour daily commute—NOT!!!

So the games began and here we are. I have now schlepped all over looking at overpriced crap whose MLS listing descriptions were way overblown and off base. I think that whoever compiles these things must have an MB degree--Masters in Bullshit-- and is wasting an excellent career opportunity as a political spin doctor in DC. Seriously, they are creatively enhanced beyond imagination and just lies, lies, lies (yeah!).

What do I mean? In my recent experience, if a house is described as “cozy” it means it is so fricking tiny that if two people were in the house and one was in the bathroom taking a dump, the other would be practically sitting on his or her lap and not by choice. “Charming” means better than the rest of the crack house shanty town dwellings in the neighborhood. “Quaint” is nothing more than a metaphor for freakishly strange. The list goes on and on!

Here is a brief rundown of the vile piles I saw:

House of a Thousand Sheds-This house had 20 sheds in the back yard. 20 sheds. All in various states of disrepair. I have no idea if these folks had a hydroponic pot farm or were hiding stolen goods but 20 sheds, even in good shape, is overkill. No thanks!

Knee Deep in Crap- I look out into the yard and it is covered in knee deep horse ‘apples’. Knee deep decomposing poop. I turned to my REALTOR and said “Oh no, this shit’s got to go” not even realizing I had made a funny. No thanks!

The 70’s Threw Up AKA Attack of the Turquoise Molded Shag Carpet-Everything in this house was original from the day it was built. A horrid melange of Harvest Gold, Olive Green, Burnt Orange, turquoise, etc. The counter tops were all white laminate with gold flecks. There was some random knob on the kitchen counter. I was all “Hmmmm, wonder what this is?” and turned it and it came off in my hand. Suddenly, this terrible high-pitched noise- ‘Shreeeeeeeeeeeek’- started emanating from somewhere in the kitchen—scared the holy Hell out of us as I scrambled to shove the knob back on and turn whatever it was off. We never figured out exactly what it was. No thanks!

Won’t You be my Landlord-this house had a mobile home in the back yard that was rented to some 76 year old woman. Oh sure. Just what I want, to buy a house and have some old broad living in my yard. Next thing you know I am doing maintenance on the singlewide and hoping that if she dies, her cats eat her so I don’t have to deal with it. No thanks!

Mauve Delight-Imagine mauve. Mauve as far as the eye can see. Mauve carpet, mauve tile, mauve paint, mauve bathroom fixtures. Mauve. Mauve. Everywhere Mauve. It was liking being inside someone’s mouth, sans tonsils, and not in the good way. No thanks!

This is just some of the disasters we encountered. On the flip side of the coin, we saw the Meg Hefner Playbroad mansion. 360 degree views of mountains and the city set up high on the mountain. Ginormous front patio with awesome views. Huge front room-all windows- with same amazing views. The house just had mojo! The kitchen was huge and had an awesome wraparound bar that seated 15 and flowed into an enclosed patio with views of the pool and mountain. In the backyard was a killer pool complete with the infamous rock grotto, bamboo groves and a custom built-in grill. I was already envisioning myself holding fabulous cocktail parties, telling Paco, my cabana boy, that we needed more mojitos and suntan oil…sigh! Too bad there was no room for the horse so unfortunately,I won't be wearing a velvet smoking jacket any time soon.

That was the biggest problem--finding a house that worked for me and a set up that also worked for the dogs and the horse. Some places, I was wondering if I could put Biggers in the laundry room as there was nowhere else to house him. Like Mr. Ed. Yeah. Not so much.

Then serendipitous luck! We turn down the wrong street and “Ahhhhhhhhhh” (think the Heavens opening up and Angels singing) there it was. The house. My house. Darling, darling, darling!

Long story short? (Yes, I actually can do that sometimes with extreme concentration). I am in putting in an offer tomorrow. Keep your fingers and other assorted appendages crossed for me.