Stress Dream
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Jason Moss
Stress Dream

So they accepted my offer on the house and I am all shades of freaked out! For reals! I spent all weekend on an emotional rollercoaster which ran the gambit from exhilarating high to Holy crap what the fuck have I done?! Seriously! I had no idea buying a house would be this stressy or complicated.

Everyone needs documentation. Paperwork is flying back and forth with the sellers--counter offers, the SPDS form, etc. The mortgage company pretty much wants a DNA profile, my first born child and a full body cavity exam sans latex gloves and lube or so it seems. The title company, much like my credit card company, just wants my money. I really didn’t know it would be this hairy.

See, I am a virgin.

Ok, stop laughing and/or choking and listen! I truly am. I am a first time homebuyer and now I am starting to wonder if having the ability to naked Jacuzzi in my own backyard really is worth all the hassle.

I barely slept all weekend. I pretty much kept myself liquored up to the gills so that I wouldn’t dwell on it a great deal (I really hate to waste perfectly good Xanax on non-flying freakouts although they are rare). Sunday evening, in spite of my boozy football and beer filled day (I so lurve those kinds of days), I didn’t fall asleep until 4am. As in 2 ? hours before I had to get up for work. Those 2 ? hours were total trauma too! I ended up having the stress dream of life!

Now, I have had major stress dreams before. Frued dude would probably have a field day with the random whacky shit that goes on in my head sometimes and this one was majorly freaky!

So in this dream, I go to pick up my cat, Madness. She just turned 16 and is getting to be kind of a grumpy little bitch. As I pick her up, her front left leg falls off. Yep. Falls off! As in just drops off her body and falls to my bedroom floor. Not like in the blood spurting “’Tis only a flesh wound” kind of way though. This was more in the cutting a raw chicken leg in half kind of way. Just an ugly, gooey red hole. It was fricking bizarre! She just kind of looked down at her leg and back up at me and says “Meow?” like ‘what the fuck just happened here?”

I panic. I have to call the vet and of course, it’s after hours. My vet doesn’t have emergency hours so I have to find one in the yellow pages. Good times!

Then, I pick up the house phone and it’s dead.

I run out to the kitchen to get my cell phone and a friend of mine has it in pieces on the counter (he likes to fiddle with electronics). “What are you doing?!” and he tells me that he is making the phone into a combination Blackberry/Walkie Talkie for me. Huh? Exactly!

So I finally get a phone and call a vet. The vet answers and I describe her injuries and the vet tells me that they don’t want to deal with it and to call someone else.

The next vet has some total moron answering the phone and she can’t tell me where they are located. No major cross streets, nothing.

All the while, I keep checking Madness’ leg to see if it’s still warm enough to reattach.

Yeah…..

I hear it only gets more stressful from here on out with a house purchase. I am so not looking forward to the naked, chainsaw-wielding clown dreams…