I Never
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: XTC
Things I can safely say in my personal game of ‘I never’ I will never….

1.Grow a third breast
2.Kiss David Hasselhoff
3.Not hate the Dallas Cowboys
4.Be convinced that ‘Brangelina’ were “just friends” during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smithh
5.Stab someone in the eye with a blood sausage
6.Participate in a “Hot Carl”
7.Tattoo ‘I love mom’ on my forehead or anywhere else
8.Use a chainsaw, or any other sharp implement, to carve totem poles
9.Smell of elderberries
10.Smoke banana peels for profit
11.Read Playgirl for the articles
12.Stop trying to perfect my almost eerily perfect Charo impression
13.Undercook pork products thus risking Trichinosis
14.Be beaten in thumb wrestling at the bantam weight or greater level
15.Be on Americas Most Wanted although it makes great fodder for an evening of “There’s Your Girlfriend”
16.Have weird habits that most folks don’t find completely adorable like my naked Gaelic yodeling
17.Lick Dr. Phil’s ‘chrome dome’, opportunity or not
18.Become a mime (yes, I know—physical impossibility as I couldn’t shuttie the pie hole that long)
19.Yell "fire" at a 50% off shoe sale at Nordstrom’s
20.Smuggle illegal immigrants into this country –‘Coyote’ Meg just has no panache
21.Join the ham radio operator’s association
22.Eat yellow snow
23.Have sex with Paris Hilton (in the rare minority to be sure)
24.Flash my chest on the Jerry Springer Show
25.Get a subscription to ‘Cat Fancy’
26.Run with scissors ‘cuz I know I would lose an eye or otherwise maim myself
27.Take the Coke/Pepsi challenge and ‘win’ cuz’ I’m a Pepper…
28.Molest a small animal other than a marmoset….just kidding
29.Put my tongue in a light socket
30.Find a large-mouthed bass in my Cheerios

I’m sure there are many, many more random things but I had a traumatic morning so cut me some slack….