Mood:  cheeky

So Deb and I were busily whiling the day away IMing about the freakish personal ads we found on Craigslist. So completely gross and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW and yet, so fascinating! I can’t figure out if these guys just think all women are really stupid, are basically looking for a hooker that doesn’t solicit on a street corner or are just basic creepy weirdos or all of the above.

Here is a random sampling of my ‘favorite’ Craigslist personals and then thoughts on them. Some have been shortened for content, but all typos and ideas presented are those of the wierdass, demented or pathetic listee. Even I couldn't make this shit up....

looking 4 a fuck buddy female only  - 32

looking 4 a women any size color race age over 18 i dont care what u look like pusssy is pussy so lets get this going. no strings attached my place or yours.  good sex  and then u leave just suffering from s.b.u wifes away 4 a couple weeks so i need some lovin.

READ: I am an ignorant, illiterate and homophobic hillbilly who has been on Springer more than twice. You will need to douche with lye to get rid of the level of scabies I’m going to transmit to you.

MOMS TO BE READ ME  - 33
I'm looking for a pregnant woman to have some fun with... possibly more... It's been a long time fantasy of mine, but have never had the opportunity to fulfill it. I ask that you are healthy and clean.

READ: My mother bottle fed me formula until I was 11 but really didn’t love me. I am as sterile as a breast milk pump and want to pretend to be a virile stud muffin. I will beg you to call me ‘Big daddy’ while I gyrate naked and sweaty all over your swollen abdomen.

Need help with your bills??? - 37
Looking for a in shape sexy lady who want to travel and hang out. I help you with your monthly bills.

READ: I am foreign and English is my second language as evidenced by my grammar errors. I think by offering money, I will have a better chance to hook up with a call girl or other professional type as I can’t get chicks on my own.

LOOKING FOR A LTR WITH A BI-WOMAN OR BI-CURIOUS WOMAN. YOU MUST CONSIDER YOURSELF ATTRACTIVE, WELL GROOMED, DRESS NICE & HAVE A VICTORIA SECRET CATALOG & BE READY TO ORDER (ILL PAY OF COURSE WINE & DINE YOU & NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE BILL…)

READ: I want to have my cake and any other cupcakes that come my way as well as watch you lick their icing. You must think you’re hot even if others don’t. As long as you’re willing to be bi-curious, I’ll forgive your less than stellar looks. I am willing to pay for your lingerie as long as you order it from a catalog one step up from the Flirt Catalog—I’m all about class...not!

Hey ladies, I am going to go to the nude resort this weekend, either the one in phoenix or tucson. Swim and tan naked, drink some beer, do some hiking and relaxing, just as friends, or sex, either is cool.

READ: I am a horny college student who wants to check out naked chicks at a nudie resort as I can’t pick a coed up at a local bar and get her naked to save my life. I am trying to sound sophisticated by saying we can go to a nudie resort and just be pals when all I really want is to score some poon.

100% clean gentleman - looks 38 max - seeks a wise emotionally mature discreet non-professional attractive college-age girl (21 to 30) that is intellectually a step above her peers and needs a good-hearted friend. 100% respect guaranteed.

READ: I am freaking out about having one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel. I need some young, hot chicky who’s willing to be bought and can help me pretend that I’m not neck deep in a mid-life crisis. I am looking for an emotionally mature college-age girl which is about as likely as me finding the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. I try to fool myself by saying that I am looking for something more than a just barely legal age lay looking for some dude older than her dad to pay her bills.

...and I'm happy to volunteer. Daddy figure, smart, caring, playful and professional, seeks a nice woman who wants her bottom spanked.

READ: I want to spank your naked ass until it is a rosy shade of pink while pretending I am the principal and you are a naughty, naughty schoolgirl. I claim to be a smart, caring professional so that I don't sound like a total skeevy perve.

my ex cheated on me, now i want to have an affair with a married woman. please only honest women interested in this need to respond.

READ: I am a pathetic, spineless wuss who is trying to grab my balls back out of my cheating bitch of a ex’s handbag. I believe in dichotomies hence why I am looking for an honest women to cheat on her husband.

free house cleaning or handyman service for females
i will come over and clean your house for free or do other handyman jobs. all i ask is that you let me do this in the nude and for you to watch. i am available right now

READ: I am a level two Intermediate registered sex offender and I want to be naked and alone in your home with you. I will sashay around, swinging my junk, while I pretend to do things around your house and have you watch me. It turns me on and will probably only serve to gross you out. Then you will have to pay a real handyman to fix whatever I screwed up while naked.

SEEKING (WET OR DRY) NURSING RELATIONSHIP - 50
I am seeking a (wet or dry) nursing type relationship with a woman. Your age, weight, height, hair/eye color is not a factor. Just have the desire to bond together in wet (DRY) nursing.

READ: Yeah, I got nothing on this one—just too freaky for me. I am 50 and want to suck your titties is one thing. I am 50 and want to pretend I am nursing or actually nurse is just beyond freakshow. Mommy!!!!!

Looking for a dominant and bitchy woman that likes to take advantage of men financially.

READ: I am the Simon Cowl of American Idol fame on Craigslist. I like my women bitchy and dominating just like dear old mum.

Maid/Sex Partner wanted for roommate - 29
Rent is negotiable (less than $100 month) some light housekeeping duties will be expected. I am very affectionate, and mostly want a warm body to cuddle with while falling asleep/waking up. If I don't like you as a lover, I could still keep you as a maid, so long as you don't get jealous. Oh, and I'm a virgo.

READ: I think I am all that (typical Virgo) and want a maid as well as a sex partner for less than $100 a month. I am cheap and will make you wash the paper plates so that we can use them again for our next gourmet meal from Whataburger.

Attorney with foot fetish looking for a dominant, controlling, lady or ladies to serve, worship, and obey! i will be in the Chandler Fashion Mall movie theater on Wednesday from 12 noon until midnight hoping to sit beneath the feet of a naturally dominant lady. Please don't be shy and put your feet in my face and humiliate me.

READ: I am a freaky foot fetish guy who wants to be dominated and who is stalking women at local shopping malls. I want to lull you into a false sense of security by claiming to be an attorney and therefore 'respectable'. Please kick me in the face as no attorney who is actually practicing law and making a living at it, would use a lower case ‘i’ to refer to himself. It’s all about the Id…

Here are two more ‘honorable’ mentions. The listings are far too long, verbose and rather pathetic for me to even attempt to edit them for content. Look them up yourself and giggle while you read these chucklehead postings:

ATTRACTIVE, SUCCESSFUL MAN LOOKING FOR BEAUTIFUL LIFETIME COMPANION – 38

This is another one of your basic “I am a multimillionaire looking to spoil & marry a beautiful woman.” bullshit entry. Apparently looking for a really stupid and gullible woman who believes that uber rich, lonely men advertise on Craigslist for a soulmate. And I have some swampland in Wyoming I’d like to talk to you about….

Attractive, Successful, Fun, Jaded, Ruthless, Tired Amended Standards - 32

What can I say? Jaded at 32? Pathetic. What? He grew up in Hollywood and lived the Less Than Zero lifestyle? Whatever. Read his posting and congratulate yourself that you never dated this idiot. I have to admit though, it is rather amusing as long as he’s using Craigslist as a blog and not actually looking for a real relationship. He has this in his post: THE SLIDING SCALE OF STANDARD PREFERENCES AND EXCLUSIONS that goes on ad nauseam about his ‘gold’ standard (marriage material), etc. He is so the type that will end up being the creepy old guy trying to date 20 somethings by claiming to have cash and/or industry connections.

Wow! Need some amusement on a slow weeknight? Peruse the entries at Craigslist. I promise, you won’t be disappointed…in the shits and giggles that is!