Mood:
accident proneNow Playing: Sum 41
I should have known that my weekend was going to suck ass. How so? It was the sign. Now, I am a firm believer in signs. Signs and gut instinct will never steer you wrong if you listen to them unless the sign is ‘merge left’ and then some asshole in his Porsche will wail past you and cut you off as you try to get over but I digress…. What sign you ask? A very disturbing one which should have given me a big ol’ clue—a clue that perhaps I should have spent the weekend holed up in my house playing naked PS2 and chugging frozen pink lemonade vodka drinks.
So anywho, typical Saturday—time to run the errands! First stop, Big Lots (beloved discount store) for a cheap shower curtain liner (why spend $$$ on that) amongst other random items. Big Lots is the only store other than Home Depot where I can easily drop $100 in an hour or less. You just never know what you’re going to find there—wooden BBQ skewers, an egg separator that uses a nose shaped protrusion to separate the whites (the whites drip out like nose snarg—tres amusing if only to me), Snap Its (little white exploding sperm looking things that my sister took great amusement tormenting me with when we were kids), a Raider’s tape measure and my favorite recent find last trip—Jim Benton Happy Bunny slippers (they are white rabbit slippers that say “I’m cruel but I’m cute, so I’m worth it).
Imagine how disturbed I was then happily humming over my booty (not the junk in the trunk kind) and unloading it for the cashier when quelle horreur (seriously), I look down mid unloading to find a used condom in my shopping cart. Let me repeat that-A*Used*Condom—USED!!! HELLO!?!?!? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Someone's crusty spunk wrapper was touching my deals! I came beyond close to hurling!!!! Needless to say, I had to just walk away from the bargains. Just walk away. No bargain is worth that! <shudder!>
Now that should have given me a clue that my weekend would soon be skidding furiously downhill at a rather alarming rate but no, I didn’t heed the warning now did I? Of course I didn't. That would be logical.
Seriously, screw the two Phoenix serial killers! Geraldo (the chronic over exaggerator lest we forget the opening of Capone’s vault) makes it sound as if we are all locked in our homes here, paralyzed with fear, emotionally terrorized and peering with dread out our front doors. I, myself, haven’t left the house since November 2005....as if! My weekend upset me far more than the serial killers ever could!
I get home from my too close encounter with the discarded winning piece of latex in the sperm lottery and decide it would be a good idea to fill the fish tank as it is on the back patio and is prone to evaporation issues (much like my stock of liquor when friends are over). I decide to make a phone call (or four) and the next thing I know, the 100 gallon tank is overflowing! Again, quelle horreur! It is by the grace of God (or whatever deity you choose to believe in) that my low rent Koi (overgrown goldfish) didn’t take a short ride over the rim and onto the back patio as I was yacking and completely spaced that I was refilling the tank—DOH!
Did I get that sign either—No, of course not!
So I go to Home Depot for a supply run for my numerous DIY house projects. As I am walking from the carport to the house with two ever so light bags (not the sets of faux wood blinds I purchased), when I am suddenly not walking—I am falling. TIMBER!!!!!! I am doing the Meg-O-Rama impression of a freshly felled log. I have to admit I am rather amazed at my stellar ability to unwillingly and unknowingly go from vertical to horizontal in one fell swoop. You'd think I'd be used to it after all these accident-prone years but no.
Do I drop my bags and catch myself? Of course not. I hit the ground with a resounding KABOOM!!! My first thought? Please dear Lord don’t let any of the neighbors have seen me take a header and if they did, let them stay in their house and laugh at me but do not come over to offer me help! My second thought? Please don’t let me have ripped my favorite pants….DAMN! Third thought was where my other shoe (a favorite pair) was as it was no longer on my foot. I broke it beyond repair.
It turns out I sprained my ankle, wrenched my knee and ripped it open on the gravel when I fell, tweaked my wrist and gave myself a serious deep bone bruise on my forearm. Just another day in the life of the accident prone.
I was telling my mom about my most recent ‘grace’ incident. She asked me if I was wearing “those clodhopper heels” when it happened. I, of course, said no (although I was) just to avoid the endless lecture. I know, I know, I need to grow a spine, but sometimes you just have to choose your battles and there was noooooooooooo way I was winning this one!
So here I am—once again swathed in Ace bandages. On the bright side, I almost made it a full 90 days without taking a header or otherwise accidently destroying my bod. Again, the key word here is ‘almost’….
Updated: Friday, July 28, 2006 9:42 AM NZD
