It Wasn't My Fault...
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Modest Mouse
I can honestly say it wasn't my fault...although, it never is. I am an instigator by nature I am told, but you know, you just can't believe everything people tell you...

But really, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't even the Tootsie Roll pop's fault. I can lay the blame squarely at the feet of the big jack off who just couldn't leave well enough alone.

SCENE: Out with a group of friends at a Mardi Gras-esque bar called Fat Tuesdays in Tempe and the frozen libations are a flowin'! As DD for the evening (designated driver as opposed to designated drunk, a role I greatly prefer), I am quaffing back massive amounts of diet Coke (This on top of a Red Bull and 2 Ripped Fuel tablets--the energy charge champion of the late night party scene).

I am yakking with everyone when I decide that I need something sweet so I grab a Tootsie Roll pop out of my purse to mack on when it happens...The new Fox reality show: When Assholes Strike.

I am just sitting there minding my own gawd damn bidness (to quote the 9-1-1 deer attack tape) when this jerk off sitting nearby with his brat pack of frat rats starts mouthing off.

Ok, the first couple of comments were amusing "Hmmmm...wish I was that sucker". Oh snaps big boy for the exhilarating sexual innuendo...perhaps after you pass English 101 you could try for the double entendre. I blandly smile and ignore him, but he has started talking and he apparently can't shut up.

The idiot comments just start flowing from him like lava from the I'm a complete nimrod volcano (it's located on the island of Molokai if you are wondering...).

At first, I keep up the Oh ha, ha, you funny, funny, little man. Then it becomes the exasperated eye roll. Then it progressed to just staring straight ahead and ignoring the juvenile cretin.

Suddenly, the situation comes to a head rather quickly.

Jack off: I bet I have something you'd rather be sucking
His friends: snigger, snigger, hee, hee (like a bunch of fricking little girls I tell you)
Me: Oh, I highly doubt that.

If it had just stayed at that point, it would have been fine. Unfortunately for Jack off he made the fatal mistake: he reached over and attempted to grab me. WRONG ANSWER DICK WEED! No one touches me without my express permission and strangers need not apply.

Rumor has it that I am a very patient person (refer to `What Idiot Let You on the Road'). My patience, however, does not extend to unwelcome physical contact from annoying, drunken, ASU shit weasels.

The play-by-play from those highly amused and soused souls in attendance is that I reacted quicker than a smoke ninja to counter his frontal attack. As he reached out to grab me (just where we will never know now),I reached up, grabbed him by the ears and performed a WWF style head slam...AKA head butt.

It was like watching the giant fall from Jack's beanstalk - all slow motion and kind of surreal. Down, down, down, he went until he hit the sticky, drink-encrusted floor with a resounding thud. Silence fell across the forest. I could hear the crickets chirping in the vacuum...well if crickets could be heard over the DJ's pounding tunes and the bar hadn't yet been closed down by the health department for a cricket infestation...

Anywho, as I looked around in the aftermath with my Tootsie Roll pop still firmly clenched in my mouth (which I figure is definitely one of the "activities not to do with a sucker" rules every adult nags you about when you are a kid--You know--don't run, don't play on the swings, don't head butt others...)I see that my friends are just rolling and laughing hysterically.

His friends' eyes were bigger than the subject of a Margaret Keane "Waif" painting and they were completely freaked out. Apparently it was an alien concept to them that a Tootsie Pop wielding Betty wouldn't meekly submit to being man handled but instead would run a great defense and drop their buddy. Eventually, they did pull themselves together long enough to pry the large jack off blob from the floor and make their way out of the bar.

In celebration, I unwrapped another Tootsie Roll pop...