I needa... Mood: quizzical Now Playing: Front 242
So have you heard the latest? HumVee (AKA `Hummer') has come out with a new product--and no, I'm not talking about the "highly" anticipated H3, like we really needed that either--it's Hummer cologne. Yep, a cologne named after a vehicle...that also represents a slang term for oral sex and, unbeknownst to many, also is a slang term in the funeral industry for the stank of a really smelly corpse. Guys--this should be on your Christmas list...right below testicular piercing!
So you're probably wondering what it smells like--me too. Gasoline? Burning rubber? New car smell? Small dicks?
Yup. Small dicks 'cuz that's what Hummer represents to me--compensation. Yeah, you know what I mean...
I can see the marketing campaign now:
Nothing says "I have a really small dick" quite like Hummer...
Hummer: Hung like a dauchhaund.
Hummer: Can you say compensation?
When you need a hummer, wear Hummer.
Scent of a Hummer.
Why do I say this? Perhaps it's just that I am a heinous bitch who only likes the H1 series.
Perhaps it's that I think the H2 is a total cut-rate pimp mobile for poseurs. In fact, the H2 is the ultimate poseur vehicle. It has the chassis of a Chevy Tahoe and a body that looks like the original Hummer; i.e., it's a Chevy Tahoe in disguise.
Why do I think this? Perfect example:
Saturday evening, Scottsdale (Snottsdale), AZ. The scene: Devil's Martini. The player: Robert AKA "Bob"...Bob wants me to come home with him and "check out" his "Jacuzzi". RIGHT! It was like a really bad game of ping pong--he would serve the cheesy line (I'm telling you, Velveeta had nothing on this guy) and I would lob it viciously back at him. He just would not take no for an answer.
The chick posse goes to leave and Bob follows us outside. The valet brings his car around and yeah, it's an H2. Not only is it an H2, his license plate says "I Needa"...yeah. Whatever L-O-S-E-R! Although I do have to admit I was torn. Part of me thought is was amusing but the other part of me had met Bob...enough said.
Ladies, this is the kind of guy who's going to pay $40 a bottle for Hummer cologne...UGH! Please hold my hair for me while I barf...
Posted by azcoolchick0
at 5:27 PM NZD
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Updated: Friday, September 24, 2004 10:40 AM NZD