In Search of an Assistant...or Who Let the Freaks Out
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Janis Joplin
I am interviewing for a new assistant as my last one spent most of her time trying to be Asian. Seriously. The girl has a bad case of "wanna be Asian" to the point of being pathetic. It's like why don't you do something more productive perhaps, say, your work...or chase cars like a dog-just don't waste your time obsessing over wanting to be Asian. It's not healthy. I'm serious, this chick is a total Asianophile AKA Asian "freak" or Asian "obsessed" whichever term you prefer. (And do you have any idea how hard it must be to dye your hair black, cut it in a bob, learn to speak Japanese and try to pass yourself off as Asian when you are 5' 10" and weigh 300 and serious change? Exactly!)

So after getting rid of the dysfunctional Gigan (Godzilla reference), I started an earnest search for a new assistant. Can I just tell you what a total nightmare it's been?! I can't even believe the quality, no really the complete lack of quality, of the people I have had to speak to!

Out of 35 resumes sent by agencies, I scheduled 18 interviews. Out of those, I had 5 come back for second interviews. 5 out of 35. That's like 14% of the applicants. How pathetic is that with today's job market? With those percentages, I apparently have a better chance of being attacked by a rabid Duck Billed Platypus than finding decent help!

What's even sadder? The fact that I even had to interview the majority of these freaks! OY! I had no idea the carnival was in town! How can someone come across on paper as being so amazing and then walk in the door and you think "Holy Mother of Ass! Who let that crack whore in!"? I'll tell you--lies! I am now more convinced than ever that the blatant word smithing of resumes has reached an all time low! And I should know, as I am very adept at it, but at least I really have the skill set and the presentation to pull it off.

My first interview was a very pretty 22-yr old girl. When I looked down at the binder she was carrying, she had scrawled "Rachel loves Jesus" all over it. Uh, ok. That's a new level of professionalism--or a complete lack thereof--unless her husband's name is Jesus and even then...She also was "intimidated" by strong personalities (oops--screwed with me as a boss) and was "unable to multi task". Holy cripes! What job is she going to get then? You have to multi task even when you are asking "Do you want fries with that?"

I interviewed a chick on Friday who was the equivalent of a fricking human hummingbird!!! I consider myself high energy to the point of being borderline hyperactive, maybe even annoyingly so at times. She made me seem low key to the point of being torpid! I was like no fricking way could I deal with that chick on a daily basis! That and the annoying fact that she is offended by swearing--OH SHIT!(oops!)

I also had a candidate, the apparent crack whore, who did herself no favors by jumping in on a verbal sparring match between two current staffers. These two love to good naturedly rib each other and this chick jumps in and says "Oh, you deserved that one" to one of the staffers involved. H-E-L-L-O! You are interviewing here--what are you thinking Ms. Overfamiliarity/I'm one of the gang?

Then there was the gal who apparently has read somewhere that the best way to bond with your interviewer is to constantly point out the things you supposedly (as opposed to the commonly misused and non-word `supposibly' NOTE: see an entry from early on for more detail) have in common and repeat his/her name incessantly. "Oh, I agree Megan. We have such the same work ethic Megan. I could totally see us working really well together Megan. I think you and I see things the same way Megan." Cripes! By the time she was done, I wanted to change my name to Becky!

There are more nightmare candidate interview stories I could add, but it wouldn't even make me feel better to vent anymore. Much like an enema, I am just trying to forget the whole process. And to make matters worse, I did some calculations and I figure these interviews sucked at least 2 good drinking years out of me...Oh, the joy of management-NOT!