A Tale From the Past...The Bitch Had it Coming
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The Specials
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...ok, not really, but ripping off part of the intro to Star Wars definitely was a better start than what I might have come up with in light of the fact that I have had 3 banana mudslides (UGH!). Nothing like wasting my time on 6% alcohol by volume...but anywho. As I said, a long, long time ago...blah., blah, blah...basically, back in college, there was a perfect surfer girl named Anne. (Yes, with an `e'--trust me, she would have reminded you).

All the guys had hard ons for this girl. And who could blame them? She was like an Ambercrombie & Fitch catalog girl before there was such a thing. She would toss her perfect windswept blond hair and flash her perfect white teeth while wearing her blue board shorts and guys would drop at her feet like grunion during a spawning run. It was nauseating and alternately fascinating, to say the least. Especially for those of us who grew up in Arizona and had always yearned for the beach.

But, as things would have it, the perfect Anne was not so perfect. She had all of the issues that all girls, even the non-perfect ones, have--especially jealousy. She particularly disliked one girl--Deb. Deb was the consummate `All American' girl. The chick you would have seen on a Breck bottle, if that tradition had carried on into the 80s. I can understand Anne's issue. If I hadn't have gotten to know Deb over several beers and numerous smokes at a tedious frat party, I would have hated her too. In fact, I did for a while, but I digress...

Anne was threatened by Deb, which it turned out, was kind of amusing to the rather shy and low-key Deb. Deb was good friends with a very hot, very rich, Ferrari-driving gay boy we'll call `Josh'. Josh adored Deb--her acumen for style, her blazing white teeth, her ability to bargain shop Gucci. The next thing we knew-BAM! Anne was all over Josh. Every time we saw Anne she would go on and on about Josh and how much he adored her and how much she adored him. Every time he came to the sorority house to visit, she would waylay him and hang all over him. Deb and I just chuckled assuming that her `gaydar' was broken or perhaps she thought she could change him...finally, she caught the drift when she tried to get naked with Josh and all he could say was "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww".

Time passed and Anne just became nastier and nastier. Apparently, she read somewhere that being head bitch is better than just being and she was a quick study. The pinnacle of her self-imposed reign came to an end one night during our sorority's end-all, be-all party that every guy on campus wanted to go to. Deb was set up on a blind date with a surfer dude Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) named Moss (a nickname I'm sure) who kept going on and on about "Righteous dude! Far out! Whoa!" while tossing back enough Yukon Jack to fuel a 100 man search party during a blizzard in Yellowstone.

Enter Anne--on the prowl and only interested in Deb's Spiccolli ding-dong TKE date. She kept openly flirting with him in front of Deb. Telling Deb over and over how hot she thought he was. Eventually, she walked up to Deb and told her "I'm going to mash with your date." To which Deb replied "Have at--he's yours" as Anne starting eagerly macking on the drunken Moss man.

Deb & I high fived as we walked back to the main party to find another Padron shot. See, we knew that Moss had just yakked up enough barbeque to clog the toilet in the men's bathroom, but hey, who are we to stand in the way of young love?

Yeah, the bitch had it coming.