Art of the Dump
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Every once in a while, if we are lucky, each of us experiences a perfect dump. While it's rare, it's a thing of beauty if it occurs. You sit down and what you get is a smooth sliding, masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic diver. It makes you feel that not only is all right with the world, you are in perfect harmony with it.

Then there are the less than lovely or perfect dumps. These are the ones most of live with on a regular basis.

The Beer -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on your tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, but it doesn't fricking matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom or a satellite airport for days...AKA For God's Sake, Light a Match.

The Chili or Hot Wings -- Dead Parrot Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. This dump stays with you all day making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of Coaxial cable, it loops lazily around the bowl. You wonder admiringly, ''WOW! DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom rather pleased with yourself in a sick if not amusing way.

The Splash-Back -- It drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold water that splashes back, washing your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock.

The Independence Day -- A rare variation of the Splash-Back. This is where the column of water from the splash back actually smacks right into your puckered starfish (AKA the leather Cheerio) and back up the poop chute. The chances of this happening are about a gazillion-to-one, much like those of Randy Quaid's drunken crop duster character flying a fighter jet into an alien spacecraft and dropping a nuclear warhead thus saving the world in the movie Independence Day, hence the name...

The Childbirth -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. It hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Local resident dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize that you'll have to resolve the crisis and basically there are only three things you can do: scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell that your nutpick is going to reach.

The Tijuana -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your bacteria tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, let the fun begin! For the next 72 hours you will spend most of the time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position on the cool bathroom floor as you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace, minding your own business and perusing the latest edition of Razor when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy staccato gas bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor grasping his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about "damn Nips."

The Sound Effect - Your gut is rumbling and you feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends, work mates or small animals are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of the national anthem or your favorite show tune (I suggest anything from Annie Get Your Gun) , or drop a handful of change on the floor (or a bagful of quarters).

The Houdini -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in much like Mr. Hankie.

The Whole Roll -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. You wonder if you hit a deer...The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Encore Dump -- Ahhhh, you're done, so you pull yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores-one more than a Styxx concert.

The Born Again -- This is a dump that's going so badly, you start making deals with God to get you through it. You say things like "Oh Lord, if I live through this, I'll do anything." You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.