What He Said - What He Meant
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Gypsy Kings
Out of curiosity, a girlfriend of mine, who we'll call Nancy (cuz' if I used her real name in this, she'd take a contract out on me), placed an Internet singles ad. After reading the quality, or complete lack there of, of the majority of the responses she has received I think the old song fits "My momma told me, you'd better shop around."

What I have figured out from reading Nancy's wanna' be Romeo's responses is how to read between the lines.

Based on some of her replies, here is my translation of What He Said - What He Meant:

RESPONSE: "I am in good shape and have practiced meditation as well as Tantric exercises for many years, so I have excellent control over my body."

TRANSLATION: I take forever to climax during sex and when I am ignoring you I will claim I am meditating.

RESPONSE: "My female and gay friends all describe me as Chandler on Friends."

TRANSLATION: I am letting you know that I am totally comfortable around gay men. In fact, I used to be one.

RESPONSE: "I speak and spell good."

TRANSLATION: I am making a feeble attempt to be humorous by pretending to be self-deprecating. (Ask former VP Dan Quayle what this means since he interchanges it with self-defecating)

RESPONSE: "I am 5'11", and always look people in the eye. I have a very dominating aura."

TRANSLATION: By mentioning my aura I mean to imply that I am a new-agey type of guy but I am actually a total weenie who will annoy you to no end.

RESPONSE: "I am extremely intelligent, which is probably one of my downsides. I try to turn my brain off when around most people, I am sure that you have to do the same thing."

TRANSLATION: Oh Shit! I must have forgotten to turn my brain back on.

RESPONSE: "My wit is extremely dry, with a little happy sarcasm thrown in. Think the end of Monty Python's Life of Brian, where they are being crucified and singing "Always look on the bright side of life"."

TRANSLATION: I mentioned Monty Python so you will think I am culturally affluent. In reality, I can't stand Monty Python and don't know how to watch a show unless it has a laugh track to clue me in.

RESPONSE:"I am not opinionated. I am just smart."

TRANSLATION: I think I am WAY smarter than anyone else who knows me does

RESPONSE: "I am a 5'11", brown haired, blue eyed man who can converse intelligently on just about any topic that you are interested in. Who is confident with himself and does what he wants to do."

TRANSLATION: I will bore you to death and then attempt to have sex with you while you are asleep.

These are just some of the truly `classic' (loose interpretation) responses she has received to her questions. I told Nancy that she needs to change the description of what kind of man she is looking for to: Someone who knows who he is, could care less what others think, and is willing to make a total ass out of himself from time to time. I think she'd get MUCH better responses.