Mood:  chillin'

I totally lurve that hot little dude-child, Jonathon Horton, on the USA Men’s gymnastics team AKA the Cinderella story boys of the Olympics.

After they realized they were medaling, against all odds, he was holding a ‘gun show’ and shouting ‘That’s how the USA rocks!” to the media.

Then Joey Hagerty (yes sis, I know he's from Rio Rancho) piped in over his shoulder with “It’s how we roll man!” after their totally unexpected and totally earned bronze medal. That was some serious guts and grit I tell you but only teenagers! I swear! Hilarious that!

And I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed at Michael Phelps’ little mother pumping her fist in the air and screaming “Move it Michael! Move it!” as he’s breaking world after world record.

Well kids, that’s my report from the Olympics, now back to ‘live’ coverage of USA men’s beach volleyball….and then more gymnastics….and then bed. Hopefully.

Post Script: Why is it that it’s almost 2009 and all of the eastern Europeans are still all rocking the blue eyeshadow and spray glitter a la Nadia Comaneci? They always look like someone's 1970's low rent disco cousins….

Mood:  hug me

I mean really! Wasn't it bad enough the first time around and that was without them doing a duet?!

Exactly!!!!

Mood:  celebratory

It’s that time. Time for the Olympics! WOOHOO!!! I so totally lurve the Olympics! I have just GORGED on them for the last several days minus an hour and change or so to re-watch Hell Boy for the nine brazillianth time but I digress….

Night after night here in the ghetto, I’ve been up just staring at the set watching. It’s after 2am and there I was quaffing beer, cheering on the {insert random USA sport team here, currently USA men’s indoor volleyball).Go bitches!!!!! Go!!!!!

It was a veritable weekend-long buffet of swimming, gymnastics, volleyball, beach volleyball, bicycle road race, basketball, sculling, fencing, and on and on and on!

As many of you know, I tend to binge on Olympic coverage for 5-6 days or so….basically spending all my time glued to the host city du jour AKA Beijing and the accompanying shenanigans.

And then suddenly, much like overdosing on funnel cakes at the state fair or Turkish Delight in Narnia, I’m beyond done. I feel nauseous and I can’t even bear to look at them anymore!

I rather liken my Olympics o.d. to Brett Favre media coverage. It doesn’t matter how completely awesome you are—everyone gets sick of you during constant overexposure….erm, I mean overindulgence.

I’ll be officially ‘done’ with the Olympics by next weekend.

Until 2012 then! WOOHOO!

Mood:  a-ok

Just a few….a small few of them from the rather extensive listing....

• I hate Ikea

• I dumpster dive

• I find marbles....a lot

• I can’t drive behind a car that I can’t see through or over to what’s in front 

• I always have lip balm in my purse 

• If I play electronic Solitaire , I have to play until I win a hand 

• I pick up cool rocks I see everywhere I go 

• I tend to group things in 3’s 

• I hate when people use “u” instead of you

Mood:  celebratory

I imbibed like nobody’s business for numerous days while on vacation. So did my sister’s partner Neeqs. Well, it was her ‘yeah my security clearance finally came through’ party so totally understandable. But then again, I was quaffing down mango margaritas like water and Neeqs was slamming tequila shots. 5’4, 100lbs soaking wet, no dinner, some beer….Oh and 7 tequila shots. Yes, 7.

Needless to say someone was hurling like a Technicolor Gatling gun in the bathroom and that someone was definitely not me. Sis went in to check on her and Neeqs had her entire head in the toilet….having just roarked rather magnificently! She also had managed to change into jeans. Why you ask? Well, we weren’t really sure as usually when drunkenly sick or sickenly drunk, you want sweat pants, boxer shorts or your own nekkidness on the oh so cool tile or linoleum floor. Not so much the jeans…. not that I speak from experience or anything. But anywho, sis got her a cool wash cloth and some water.

How’re you doing?

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.” Came from the partially clad but no-longer-spewing heap on the bathroom floor. Right. So sis propped her up sideways for the duration and locked Ginger, otherwise known as Lazarus the Chihuahua who rose from the dead, in the bathroom with her. (NOTE: I just can’t do vomit: see an earlier entry). We figured that 1) Neeqs wouldn’t choke a la Morrison, Hendrix, Joplin, Bonham, et al, on her side and much, much worse of us (yes, we’re horrid easily amused people) 2) that if she did throw up, perhaps Ginger would make like a good little vacuum cleaner for the team. I know demented but what else would you expect from me and, by extension as partner in crime, my sister?

No need to get all shades of belligerent! We had the doggy gate up in the doorway and everyone checked on her on a regular basis. as it was free amusement…..erm, I mean as she was the Guest of Honor and everything.

Yeah.

Mood:  cool

So my sister's trying to quit smoking. Mind you she's been smoking since she was an embryo....or at least in the womb...okay, age 12 really, but basically for a long ass time.

In high school we used to take our family dogs for a walk after dinner which was basically a euphemism for going for a smoke. Or we'd go for a 'jog'. She'd be jogging backwards in front of me puffing away. Craaaaazie!

So anywho, last time she tried to quit, I caught her sneaking a smoke....and she had a damn patch on! She was like the Wicked Witch of the West and Pastsy from Absolutely Fabulous had melted together in a bad montage. Did I mention she becomes super snarly without nicotine?

She actually prepped for the big 'quit out' by buying 12 brazillian varieties of suckers and lollipops to take the place of the schmokes.

I ask her how it's going.

"It's been three weeks since I had a smoke! Three! Three!" she replies rather shrilly.

Um...eeek! Crabby!

Erm. So how are the lollipops working out for you?

"I'm fucking Kojack I tell you! Kojak!"

I thought you were a lesbian?!

I know I heard her teeth snapping said Blow Pop to bits.....giggle.

Mood:  silly

So my 36 year old cousin got married last year and I was honored to attend her bachelorette party.

Yes, there is honor in bachelorette parties. Hmmmm.....yeah, not really.

I can't tell you the details of the strip club or the limo or what happened later with the penis piñata, but what I can tell you about is dinner as it was rather benign especially for me. About 15 of us went to a sushi restaurant and did the table dinner dealio or, as I like to call it, the chop-chop table.

Across the room at another chop-chop table was, lo and behold, another bachelorette party only these gals were definitely early 20-somethings wearing neon bracelets, doing shots and screaming at decible levels that only cockraoches could hear whereas we were all mid 30-40-somethings drinking wine and discussing the joy of a good bowel movement. Hey now, getting old isn't for sissies.

So anywho, throughout the course of the evening we drank more, they drank more; we shouted more, they shouted more; they took 8 trillion pictures and we were blinded by their annoying flashes and then, they got up to leave.

As they were walking out giggling and strutting like low rent super models, my cousin's best friend Veronica says to them "Enjoy it while you can girls-we used to look just like you!"

They laughed, or shuddered I wasn't sure what, and off we strolled to our limo....chuckling evilly!

Nothing like being a buzz kill! Bwah, ha, ha! (evile laugh!)

Mood:  cheeky

I met this guy Saturday night from South Carolina. He told me “Girl, you are finer than hair on a bullfrog”.

Erm. What?

My first reaction was to ask him what kind of hair cuz I know I’m cuter than pubes!

Instead, I asked “Uh, is that a compliment?”

“Sure is honey.”

Hmmmmm…..yeah, I think the jury’s out on that one dude. Seriously, just can’t see that as a stellar compliment or at least not outside of the Appalachia.

Let’s try out some other hillbilly compliments:

Girl, you’re cuter than tits on a beaver!

Girl, you’re cuter than the two headed lizard grandpop had!

Girl, you smell sweeter than road kill stew!

Girl, you make me hotter than my cousin!

Yeah, not!

Guess I’d better stick with hair on a bullfrog and count myself lucky…

Mood:  cheeky

Do you ever notice how there’s always somebody in the group that can’t hear? It’s almost always me saying “Elvis in a Winnebago….what?” and someone saying slowly and loudly, as if to a short bus rider, “Spin-ach and to-ma-to”. Damn my loud rock music! Could you turn it up please?

Anywho, was at a huge party in NM this weekend. Wii. Mango margaritas. Hot tubbing. Amazing food and peeps. Pretty soon a whole gaggle of us were yacking about tattoos and comparing ink.

One gal was upset that her step daughter had gotten a tattoo. I told her it’s no big dealio—just a small black dandelion—it’s the giant ones that they pick off walls you have to worry about. The ones they regret by 26 or so and are stuck with. Like the chicks who are going to be 60 someday with ‘Warrant’ tramp stamped across their lower back or better yet, ‘Sex Kitten’. Explain that to the grandchildren!

So later in the conversation, we were talking about hookers (I know! It was hilarious crazy drunky convo) and Moira says jokingly “Oh yeah and they all came from the 'Sex Kitten' Ranch!” and I was all shades of  “The Mexican Ranch? What?”

Boom-Boom-Tish! She’ll be here allllll week folks!

Mood:  silly

 So I get a text from my buddie Josh (below)....

"Just had my registration to Match.com denied. One of the questions was 'What do you like in a woman?' Apparently 'my cock' isn't an acceptable answer."

My friends rock....

Mood:  sad

He would have been 45 this year. Noticed the past tense there eh? One of my dearest friends. Like a brother to me since I was twelve and a part of our family.

They say that time heals all wounds but I don't agree. I think that there are some things in life you go through that you get past but you never truly get over. His suicide was one of those things for me.

A piece of me died that day I found him on that mountain. It left a hole in my heart that scabbed over but will never truly heal. Seriously. How does one really ever get over something like that? Finding your best friend dead. It changes who you are and completely changes your priorities, your preconceived notions, even your own belief system. The ‘would have, should have, could have's can cripple you and did me for a time.

It's been 7 years now since that devastating day and still a piece of me aches for his loss.

You are greatly missed bro but I still see you in every rainbow....

Mood:  cheeky

So if you haven't heard, quirky rockers Devo are suing the ginormous fast food chain McDonald's over the use of the band's likeness in what is apparently a NOT so Happy Meal toy. As I am an avid Devo fan - go boys go!!!!

Mood:  quizzical

Why is it that everyone sees Jesus or the Virgin Mary in everything? Why doesn't anyone ever list an Elvis potato chip on eBay? Or a Marilyn Monroe bagel? Or the pita toast that looks like George Clooney? I'd pay to see the image of Scooby Doo in lime Jello...

Mood:  d'oh

When you are flipping channels and come across the trainwreck that is Dog the Bounty Hunter on Family Feud it’s bad enough. Then add in that he says next “….and this is my 9th daughter who just turned 21”, it’s really hard not to throw up in your mouth a little! Completely gack I tell you!

Dog and his icky classless family? Once again, certain people should never, never be allowed to breed. Let’s go with this rule of thumb: If you would be more interesting as a Chia pet, you should never breed!

The man has taken the once revered mullet to a place, a level really, that it wasn’t designed to withstand. I mean seriously. How does it hold? At what velocity would it finally sway? Bend? How fast would it burn do you think? The man needs to be labeled a fire hazard with all those petrochemicals holding up his wind resistant coif.

And to boot? The ‘Serious in the front’ portion is a joke on that man! It looks like he’s sporting that old mangy 300 brazillion year old orangutan from Smoky and the Bandit on his cranium! 

I would like to put forth legislation that requires everyone who is ever on a reality show be condemned together to a technology-free tropical island for the rest of the lives.

Who am I kidding? I’d watch it! What a trainwreck!

Mood:  mischievious

So speaking of irreverent art? This is my current fav....

I mean really, how can you not love Charlie the Tuna?  Seriously. Talking tuna. Every man's worst nightmare.... *giggle*

Mood:  silly

So the other evening I am curled up in bed with a really good book. All bedded down for the evening. Lights out. Doors locked. Fur de-collared. Just me and my book and my bedside lamp. Sigh. Lovely.

And then Kato starts up with his ‘strange dangerous noise’ look. You know the one. The one the dogs are supposed to be giving me. Yeah, that one. I go to terror level yellow and hazard a look around to identify the source of his sudden concern. Nothing.

I go back to reading and again he goes on alert as do I. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Is it something outside? I can’t quite figure it as I hear nothing. Silence.

I slowly go back to reading when suddenly, something whizzes by between my face and the book. Something winged by in that 6” gap fast enough to elude a cat and to send me into histrionics! I jumped out of that bed faster than Amy Wine-o onto some heroin biscuits. Ran all through the house screaming. Not at all sure why. Just freaked the fecking fuck out of me for some random reason!

I sneak cautiously back to my room to see.

HOLY MOTHER OF ASS! It’s like the biggest fecking cockroach I’ve ever seen! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nasty! I take out spiders and praying mantis and a whole passle of other bugs. Cockroaches are not on the ‘Megs as Benevolent Benefactor’ list. They are on the ‘Die Dirty Bitch Die!’ list. And it’s on the wall above my bed! I’m going to have to smack it hard enough to stun it or it’ll drop and get under the bed!

I jump on my bed, grabbing my book to smack the snarg out of it when I realize I am about to use a loaned library book! Quelle horror! Nooooooo! Especially as I’m still reading it and there could be collateral damage in the form of bug guts and crusty stuff.

Hmmmmmm….think. What book to sacrifice as I’ll never read it again…..Ah! Dean Koontz! One read and I’m done. Plot is too specific not to remember so they’re solo reads--nothing I ever invest in. I run back to grab one.

I jump back up on the bed, draw back hard like I’m bowling for Wii (fractured my thumb last time), and was suddenly flying backwards off the bed in a less than graceful triple firkin. Completely overshot the landing and ended up head first in my dresser. Only to be further humiliated as the rest of the stuff on the dresser including bronze candleholders fell onto my head. Apparently in my zeal for a high hard backhand slash, I caught my hand and the sacrificial book in the steadily zipping ceiling fan blades, went off balance and was flung off the bed. Well done me!

I look up to see the roach laughing at me on the wall. Bastard.

I jump back onto the bed. Yes, I turned off the ceiling fan first. I’m not a total idiot. Shut up sis.

I smack it hard and it drops. I am on it! Crushing it with the book. The nasty thing wouldn’t die! I kept trying to crush it without carpet squishidge but it just kept laughing at me! Finally took a huge ball of tp and picked him up and flushed. I swear the cheeky bastard flipped me off as he circled away out of sight.

Needless to say, I was amped beyond amped and couldn’t go to sleep…shudder! Still gives me the big ole heebies just in the retelling! Shudder!

Mood:  on fire

So as I've said recently, back into fine form and raring! WAHOO! Feeling normal again or as normal as I ever do! Blood pressure is down, not perfect but stable. I'm sleeping without pills. All tests are coming back cool and I'm feeling like Megalicious again! Back to being all shades of creative and happy instead of stressy and crazy in the bad way.

I've started painting on canvas lately. Totally new concept for me so some rock, some suck and some are simply listed as collateral damage. I seem to be on a religious icon jag lately. Not suprising as I find religious imagery interesting. That's the best thing about Catholicism in my mind--milagros and gold frames. Otherwise it's just a valid clinical research study on the stupidity of organized religion....but I digress.

Anywho, below is the latest. It's a play on words from the old Judy Blume book "Are you there God, it's me Margaret" ....

Mood:  happy

So here's some more pictures....

Here is close up detail of Church of the Rant. Some of you have asked if it's a religious piece. No, it's not. I would say rather it's more irreverent as it's made up of random bits of detritus AKA recycled culture like beer caps, bullet casings and a Crown Royal cap.

Here is 'Me, Myself & I' hanging on the wall at Casa de Megster...

And here is the new piece 'Words' I started on last night....

And closer up detail....

Mood:  cheeky

Several of you have asked for the latest Google searches that brought the unwashed mass of disappointed bastards to Meg-O-Rama so as not to find what they were sooooo hoping they would. My only comment? Not nearly as freaky as usual. In fact, I'm rather disappointed at the banality. Boo that! Step it up! Make me proud! Bring on your freak! *giggle*

So here are the latest....

Tattoo of Chester cheetah (Why?)
Dunk tank strip cold wet nipple (Can you win a goldfish after?)
George Padron excavating Yuma (that man makes a fine tequila!)
Megs big titti from Family Guy (demented)
Small dick (typical)
Movie quotes Brad frothy beverage (Brad?)
Pictures of midget penises (brought to you by...Meg-O-Rama)
Steering with her knees/breast (talented)
Tetanus shot pain story (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt)
Paltrow Great Expectations panty (Old lady knickers? EWWWWW!)
Penises (Nice!)
What is a Triskelian (a tattoo on my backside...somewhere)
Keanu message La Jolla (WTF?)

Notice lots of penis searches. Again, in light of that, I think my decision not to shake hands....for the best.