Mood:  cool

So my sister's trying to quit smoking. Mind you she's been smoking since she was an embryo....or at least in the womb...okay, age 12 really, but basically for a long ass time.

In high school we used to take our family dogs for a walk after dinner which was basically a euphemism for going for a smoke. Or we'd go for a 'jog'. She'd be jogging backwards in front of me puffing away. Craaaaazie!

So anywho, last time she tried to quit, I caught her sneaking a smoke....and she had a damn patch on! She was like the Wicked Witch of the West and Pastsy from Absolutely Fabulous had melted together in a bad montage. Did I mention she becomes super snarly without nicotine?

She actually prepped for the big 'quit out' by buying 12 brazillian varieties of suckers and lollipops to take the place of the schmokes.

I ask her how it's going.

"It's been three weeks since I had a smoke! Three! Three!" she replies rather shrilly.

Um...eeek! Crabby!

Erm. So how are the lollipops working out for you?

"I'm fucking Kojack I tell you! Kojak!"

I thought you were a lesbian?!

I know I heard her teeth snapping said Blow Pop to bits.....giggle.

Mood:  silly

So my 36 year old cousin got married last year and I was honored to attend her bachelorette party.

Yes, there is honor in bachelorette parties. Hmmmm.....yeah, not really.

I can't tell you the details of the strip club or the limo or what happened later with the penis piñata, but what I can tell you about is dinner as it was rather benign especially for me. About 15 of us went to a sushi restaurant and did the table dinner dealio or, as I like to call it, the chop-chop table.

Across the room at another chop-chop table was, lo and behold, another bachelorette party only these gals were definitely early 20-somethings wearing neon bracelets, doing shots and screaming at decible levels that only cockraoches could hear whereas we were all mid 30-40-somethings drinking wine and discussing the joy of a good bowel movement. Hey now, getting old isn't for sissies.

So anywho, throughout the course of the evening we drank more, they drank more; we shouted more, they shouted more; they took 8 trillion pictures and we were blinded by their annoying flashes and then, they got up to leave.

As they were walking out giggling and strutting like low rent super models, my cousin's best friend Veronica says to them "Enjoy it while you can girls-we used to look just like you!"

They laughed, or shuddered I wasn't sure what, and off we strolled to our limo....chuckling evilly!

Nothing like being a buzz kill! Bwah, ha, ha! (evile laugh!)

Mood:  cheeky

I met this guy Saturday night from South Carolina. He told me “Girl, you are finer than hair on a bullfrog”.

Erm. What?

My first reaction was to ask him what kind of hair cuz I know I’m cuter than pubes!

Instead, I asked “Uh, is that a compliment?”

“Sure is honey.”

Hmmmmm…..yeah, I think the jury’s out on that one dude. Seriously, just can’t see that as a stellar compliment or at least not outside of the Appalachia.

Let’s try out some other hillbilly compliments:

Girl, you’re cuter than tits on a beaver!

Girl, you’re cuter than the two headed lizard grandpop had!

Girl, you smell sweeter than road kill stew!

Girl, you make me hotter than my cousin!

Yeah, not!

Guess I’d better stick with hair on a bullfrog and count myself lucky…

Mood:  cheeky

Do you ever notice how there’s always somebody in the group that can’t hear? It’s almost always me saying “Elvis in a Winnebago….what?” and someone saying slowly and loudly, as if to a short bus rider, “Spin-ach and to-ma-to”. Damn my loud rock music! Could you turn it up please?

Anywho, was at a huge party in NM this weekend. Wii. Mango margaritas. Hot tubbing. Amazing food and peeps. Pretty soon a whole gaggle of us were yacking about tattoos and comparing ink.

One gal was upset that her step daughter had gotten a tattoo. I told her it’s no big dealio—just a small black dandelion—it’s the giant ones that they pick off walls you have to worry about. The ones they regret by 26 or so and are stuck with. Like the chicks who are going to be 60 someday with ‘Warrant’ tramp stamped across their lower back or better yet, ‘Sex Kitten’. Explain that to the grandchildren!

So later in the conversation, we were talking about hookers (I know! It was hilarious crazy drunky convo) and Moira says jokingly “Oh yeah and they all came from the 'Sex Kitten' Ranch!” and I was all shades of  “The Mexican Ranch? What?”

Boom-Boom-Tish! She’ll be here allllll week folks!

Mood:  silly

 So I get a text from my buddie Josh (below)....

"Just had my registration to Match.com denied. One of the questions was 'What do you like in a woman?' Apparently 'my cock' isn't an acceptable answer."

My friends rock....

Mood:  sad

He would have been 45 this year. Noticed the past tense there eh? One of my dearest friends. Like a brother to me since I was twelve and a part of our family.

They say that time heals all wounds but I don't agree. I think that there are some things in life you go through that you get past but you never truly get over. His suicide was one of those things for me.

A piece of me died that day I found him on that mountain. It left a hole in my heart that scabbed over but will never truly heal. Seriously. How does one really ever get over something like that? Finding your best friend dead. It changes who you are and completely changes your priorities, your preconceived notions, even your own belief system. The ‘would have, should have, could have's can cripple you and did me for a time.

It's been 7 years now since that devastating day and still a piece of me aches for his loss.

You are greatly missed bro but I still see you in every rainbow....

Mood:  cheeky

So if you haven't heard, quirky rockers Devo are suing the ginormous fast food chain McDonald's over the use of the band's likeness in what is apparently a NOT so Happy Meal toy. As I am an avid Devo fan - go boys go!!!!

Mood:  quizzical

Why is it that everyone sees Jesus or the Virgin Mary in everything? Why doesn't anyone ever list an Elvis potato chip on eBay? Or a Marilyn Monroe bagel? Or the pita toast that looks like George Clooney? I'd pay to see the image of Scooby Doo in lime Jello...

Mood:  d'oh

When you are flipping channels and come across the trainwreck that is Dog the Bounty Hunter on Family Feud it’s bad enough. Then add in that he says next “….and this is my 9th daughter who just turned 21”, it’s really hard not to throw up in your mouth a little! Completely gack I tell you!

Dog and his icky classless family? Once again, certain people should never, never be allowed to breed. Let’s go with this rule of thumb: If you would be more interesting as a Chia pet, you should never breed!

The man has taken the once revered mullet to a place, a level really, that it wasn’t designed to withstand. I mean seriously. How does it hold? At what velocity would it finally sway? Bend? How fast would it burn do you think? The man needs to be labeled a fire hazard with all those petrochemicals holding up his wind resistant coif.

And to boot? The ‘Serious in the front’ portion is a joke on that man! It looks like he’s sporting that old mangy 300 brazillion year old orangutan from Smoky and the Bandit on his cranium! 

I would like to put forth legislation that requires everyone who is ever on a reality show be condemned together to a technology-free tropical island for the rest of the lives.

Who am I kidding? I’d watch it! What a trainwreck!

Mood:  mischievious

So speaking of irreverent art? This is my current fav....

I mean really, how can you not love Charlie the Tuna?  Seriously. Talking tuna. Every man's worst nightmare.... *giggle*

Mood:  silly

So the other evening I am curled up in bed with a really good book. All bedded down for the evening. Lights out. Doors locked. Fur de-collared. Just me and my book and my bedside lamp. Sigh. Lovely.

And then Kato starts up with his ‘strange dangerous noise’ look. You know the one. The one the dogs are supposed to be giving me. Yeah, that one. I go to terror level yellow and hazard a look around to identify the source of his sudden concern. Nothing.

I go back to reading and again he goes on alert as do I. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Is it something outside? I can’t quite figure it as I hear nothing. Silence.

I slowly go back to reading when suddenly, something whizzes by between my face and the book. Something winged by in that 6” gap fast enough to elude a cat and to send me into histrionics! I jumped out of that bed faster than Amy Wine-o onto some heroin biscuits. Ran all through the house screaming. Not at all sure why. Just freaked the fecking fuck out of me for some random reason!

I sneak cautiously back to my room to see.

HOLY MOTHER OF ASS! It’s like the biggest fecking cockroach I’ve ever seen! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nasty! I take out spiders and praying mantis and a whole passle of other bugs. Cockroaches are not on the ‘Megs as Benevolent Benefactor’ list. They are on the ‘Die Dirty Bitch Die!’ list. And it’s on the wall above my bed! I’m going to have to smack it hard enough to stun it or it’ll drop and get under the bed!

I jump on my bed, grabbing my book to smack the snarg out of it when I realize I am about to use a loaned library book! Quelle horror! Nooooooo! Especially as I’m still reading it and there could be collateral damage in the form of bug guts and crusty stuff.

Hmmmmmm….think. What book to sacrifice as I’ll never read it again…..Ah! Dean Koontz! One read and I’m done. Plot is too specific not to remember so they’re solo reads--nothing I ever invest in. I run back to grab one.

I jump back up on the bed, draw back hard like I’m bowling for Wii (fractured my thumb last time), and was suddenly flying backwards off the bed in a less than graceful triple firkin. Completely overshot the landing and ended up head first in my dresser. Only to be further humiliated as the rest of the stuff on the dresser including bronze candleholders fell onto my head. Apparently in my zeal for a high hard backhand slash, I caught my hand and the sacrificial book in the steadily zipping ceiling fan blades, went off balance and was flung off the bed. Well done me!

I look up to see the roach laughing at me on the wall. Bastard.

I jump back onto the bed. Yes, I turned off the ceiling fan first. I’m not a total idiot. Shut up sis.

I smack it hard and it drops. I am on it! Crushing it with the book. The nasty thing wouldn’t die! I kept trying to crush it without carpet squishidge but it just kept laughing at me! Finally took a huge ball of tp and picked him up and flushed. I swear the cheeky bastard flipped me off as he circled away out of sight.

Needless to say, I was amped beyond amped and couldn’t go to sleep…shudder! Still gives me the big ole heebies just in the retelling! Shudder!

Mood:  on fire

So as I've said recently, back into fine form and raring! WAHOO! Feeling normal again or as normal as I ever do! Blood pressure is down, not perfect but stable. I'm sleeping without pills. All tests are coming back cool and I'm feeling like Megalicious again! Back to being all shades of creative and happy instead of stressy and crazy in the bad way.

I've started painting on canvas lately. Totally new concept for me so some rock, some suck and some are simply listed as collateral damage. I seem to be on a religious icon jag lately. Not suprising as I find religious imagery interesting. That's the best thing about Catholicism in my mind--milagros and gold frames. Otherwise it's just a valid clinical research study on the stupidity of organized religion....but I digress.

Anywho, below is the latest. It's a play on words from the old Judy Blume book "Are you there God, it's me Margaret" ....

Mood:  happy

So here's some more pictures....

Here is close up detail of Church of the Rant. Some of you have asked if it's a religious piece. No, it's not. I would say rather it's more irreverent as it's made up of random bits of detritus AKA recycled culture like beer caps, bullet casings and a Crown Royal cap.

Here is 'Me, Myself & I' hanging on the wall at Casa de Megster...

And here is the new piece 'Words' I started on last night....

And closer up detail....

Mood:  cheeky

Several of you have asked for the latest Google searches that brought the unwashed mass of disappointed bastards to Meg-O-Rama so as not to find what they were sooooo hoping they would. My only comment? Not nearly as freaky as usual. In fact, I'm rather disappointed at the banality. Boo that! Step it up! Make me proud! Bring on your freak! *giggle*

So here are the latest....

Tattoo of Chester cheetah (Why?)
Dunk tank strip cold wet nipple (Can you win a goldfish after?)
George Padron excavating Yuma (that man makes a fine tequila!)
Megs big titti from Family Guy (demented)
Small dick (typical)
Movie quotes Brad frothy beverage (Brad?)
Pictures of midget penises (brought to you by...Meg-O-Rama)
Steering with her knees/breast (talented)
Tetanus shot pain story (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt)
Paltrow Great Expectations panty (Old lady knickers? EWWWWW!)
Penises (Nice!)
What is a Triskelian (a tattoo on my backside...somewhere)
Keanu message La Jolla (WTF?)

Notice lots of penis searches. Again, in light of that, I think my decision not to shake hands....for the best.

Mood:  chillin'

I was totally jamming on a new piece the other night when my neighbor knocked on the door. My hot neighbor. My hot cool neighbor. My hot cool….very married neighbor. It’s not quite as good as if Harry Dean Morgan moved in now that he’s single, but hey, my neighbor’s a super cool guy.

So I swung open to greet.

“Hey neighbor wazzup?”

And he said hey and then it all went down hill from there. He won’t meet my eyes. And when he managed to, he’d just stare at me like I was speaking monkeynese or something. Rather like when I observe Maury and realize that I still can’t speak trailer park in spite of repeated low brow watchings…

Then I realized it’s not that he won’t meet my eyes, it’s that he’s apparently having a hard time looking up from the girls. Yup. He’s just staring at the ta-tas. Come in Tokyo!

“Soooo….wassup”

He can barely drag his eyes up to mine. I raise a brow….just one. You know the look.

He starts stammering.

“Meg, I’m really sorry but I just can’t look away! It’s soooo distracting!”

Erm….what?!

He just stared pointedly at my chest.

Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot! So I looked down only to realize that I had apparently leaned in just that bit too close to the current piece I’m working on and I had turquoise nipples. Nice iridescent turquoise nipples. Yeah. I was in an ancient white AC/DC wife beater and sporting wet paint splotted boobage. Nice.

Casa de Megster….Making the ghetto more colourful since 2006

Mood:  energetic

I'm sooooo jamming though art!!! LOVING IT!!! Doing a collection called 'Meg-O-Rama' (go figure right?!). The first piece is the one in the previous entry called 'Church of the Rant' now this one 'Me, Myself & I) and I started a 3rd canvas last night called "Part of the Solution or Part of the Problem'. WAHOO!!! WAHOO!!! Creative juices are pumping!!!!God I hope they don't stain the carpet....*giggle*

Mood:  surprised

Why is it that some folks always seem to think everything is about them? They can know me and read something contained herein and assume it's about them even though it's not. The names are changed for many reasons many of which are from a long time ago and I no longer remember exactly but I digres....

So just in case you think something is about you a la Carly Simon, here's your disclaimer:

Content on Meg-O-Rama....the blog, contains truth, fact, fiction and out and out lies. Depictions of public figures are for satirical and humor value only and are not intended to slander or insult. The aim is to amuse and poke fun, not publish libel. All other figures, unless specifically noted as real, are fictional characters or composites of several people or fictional composites of several people. Any likeness or similarity that they may have to persons living or dead is just simply a hinky coincidence. Really.

Additionally, some things are massaged and manipulated like a container of Silly Putty and are used for satirical effect. Any similarity of fictional quotations to actual statements is accidental and coincidental but does the job.

We now return to our regular programming...

Mood:  cheeky

These are the things that are currently making my heart go *giggity, giggity*....

Crush: Hell Boy
Read: A Star Called Henry
Concert Experience: Death Cab For Cutie
Awesome Old Movie Re-Watch: Tank Girl
New Art: Church of the Rant (below)

Mood:  happy

One of the things I rather enjoy about Casa de Megster is the seasonal urban wildlife.

I love seeing what comes through town on winter and summer migrations. The Great Horned Owls arrive in the fall and depart in late March. The Starlings take over the Mulberry tree from January to late June. Rainy season brings boatloads of geckos. And every Spring, 'Bumble' arrives.

Yes, as in a bee.

He's huge and cool looking but runs into things. It's kind of like watching a blimp flown by drunken midgets. All over the place!

So I nicknamed him 'Bumble' very original, I know. But it turns out 'Bumble' is not a Bumble bee. He's a Carpenter bee.

I now call him 'Jaysus'....

Mood:  mischievious

So mom tracks me down at work. Whenever she calls the office, it’s just never good. I know it’s going to be 12 shades of drama….at least! And have I mentioned how much I despise drama? Exactly. I am not down with the drama! Especially right now….just say noooooooooooo!

“Hi sweetie. I won’t keep you long because I know how busy you are so I promise I’ll just keep you a minute. I just wanted to let you know that I’m out of the hospital and I’m okay.”

Wait. What?

“Mom, I didn’t know you were in the hospital.”

“Well, I didn’t want to worry you dear.”

Hmmmmm….sure you didn’t that’s why you’re calling me now.

I know I sound horrid, but you have no idea! Even Peter never cried wolf this often! Rule of thumb? All stories will be greatly embellished, not based on fact or outright and rather outlandish lies. It makes for better drama don’t you know. You always have to take it worth a grain of salt, do a couple of ‘poor babies’, cluck and sympathize….all while trying not to chuckle. Humor is the only way to deal as I refuse to be dragged into drama whether real or fig newton….

So long dramatic story short? She’s anemic so Pops got her some iron chew toys and apparently, all is well. Hurrah!